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i am leaving the place i have lived for the past seven years..
🕑 Added 2022-08-02 00:27:47 +0000 UTC i am leaving the place i have lived for the past seven years—my chosen hometown, the place i decided to grow up, where i have been loved and cocooned better than i ever was in adolescence—and i must be in serious denial. i keep trying to force myself to admit that i am leaving in a mere month and a half. everything inside of me feels unable to acknowledge it. i am home, i am home, of course i am at home, and where else could home be? my friends and family are surprised that i am leaving. i don’t really understand it, myself. i will be alone where i am going, i don’t know anyone. i’ll have two pets and a jumble of plans, a couple of hobbies that might enable me to make friends. i’m really scared. i have arranged everything so that i might enter fully onto an unknown stage with nil players. when i was nineteen i moved to canada from my little nordic country; i was on my own, in the sense that i had no familial supervision, but i did have friends. now i have friends, but i am leaving them all behind. as i prepare to leave, i can’t help but notice the irony: i finally have a full-fledged life. a rich and varied circle of friends. an orderly home. a life-path. shouldn’t i stay? of course i shouldn’t. the sublime horrors of a new world await. anyway, i have been taking myself on walks along my campus in preparation for leaving. i haven’t spent significant time here since the advent of quarantine etc., but it is the space in the city—maybe the world—where i feel the most at home, cradled, and protected. it is the only place where i have felt i might be honest and myself. the academy is like a mother to me. i will cry when i leave her.
