🕑 Added 2022-02-21 14:13:30 +0000 UTC
**💟 [Life update aka long-ish text] 💟**
TLDR: Thank you for being patient with me, I already feel better! I really needed these few days of rest, long talks with my family, friends, and my support system. I learned a lot about myself in the last week and I got new perspectives on my life and how I want to live it in the best way you can imagine. I needed this for sure. Thank you so much for being with me for this crazy ride called life ❤️
So, the long story. As I mentioned this important person from my past showed up on the 8th of February after 8 years of radio silence. They came to me to say sorry for things they did to me in the past, expecting me to be angry with them. I wasn't, we talked, and the chat we had made me realize something I already knew but forcefully avoided for years. I still carry so much trauma from my past and these things molded me in a way I'm not comfortable with. I fear so many things I don't want to fear. My reactions in certain situations are completely driven by these old "programs" and while those saved me back then and let me function as a human, they are completely useless and very destroying now. The meeting with this person from my past basically showed me how much I stayed the way I was 8 years ago in many aspects tied with my traumas. And it was really hard to watch myself from that point of view. I had to fight my demons in a really short time and I had to complete the circle I was unable to complete for a long time. I made myself suffer too much for others without ever asking them and let them hurt me because I was afraid I’ll be too hard to handle, too difficult, too much. I won’t and can’t do this anymore. I have to set boundaries in my life and adhere to them even if they make some people slightly uncomfortable around me. I can't fit my life to others anymore in everything.
I know this revelation of mine is maybe not a big deal to you, maybe it was always clear to you. Trust me, it was clear to me too, but understanding and doing are two very different things. In a way, I believed for so long I have to be, behave and live in a certain way to be loved. I have to be easy to handle, small and weak, put myself last in line, be perfect, never cry because it’s “manipulative”, never be sad because it’s “not fun”, never be angry and argue for myself because it’s “irritating and makes everything hard”. I was never able to put down these ideas about myself and they made me miserable. I just wanna live my life the way I want to, without all the pushing expectations, and from now I'll work on this. I know it won't be easy at all and I know haters will hate. But at least whey will hate me for something I want to do and not for something I hate too.
All my problems didn’t magically disappear of course. I still have many ongoing issues in my life but I have more trust in myself after I was able to go through this scary emotional tunnel and came out on the other side victoriously. I feel so much power in myself. I want to help my loved ones, I want to create, I want to make my dreams come true, I want to be myself, so I will. Hold my beer.
