mystical_mckay
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I had a bit of a rough/emotional/enlightening/EVENTFUL morni..
🕑 Added 2021-03-16 22:49:44 +0000 UTC I had a bit of a rough/emotional/enlightening/EVENTFUL morning 🤣👏🏼 (Swipe for yoga routine)I’m gonna share a bit of my personal journey with my anxiety to give some background info before I mention what happened this morning 😆
Since before I can even remember, I have been DEATHLY afraid/ phobic of anything involving throwing up. It would send me into a trembling uncontrollable panic attack.
Not just myself getting sick, even tho that’s the big one for me of course hahaha, but also seeing someone else get sick, or even just people fucking talking about it or if they said they didn’t feel good my brain would just like self destruct 🤣😩
Some of my most vivid memories in my childhood were those moments when I convinced myself I was going to be ill, usually in the middle of the night, violently shaking praying to the God I didn’t even believe in to just kill me right then and there cuz I would rather die than endure the sensations I couldn’t escape from. On top of all the times my siblings/ parents got sick. 🤡 not fun times.
This phobia effected every single choice I made in my life, what I ate, where I went and with whom, i had to be homeschooled cuz I would just have endless anxiety in the nurses office, I would cry hysterically if I ever had to take antibiotics, I would skip meals or eat as less as possible in case I got sick, least amount to be inside of me, I would cancel plans cuz I’d convince myself 10 minutes before the function that I caught a stomach bug 🙄 washing my hands til they were dry as fuck only to never even eat WITH my hands EVER cuz that just felt like the BIGGEST RISK 💀😩
AND ITS ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS I FELL IN LOVE WITH VEGANISM.
It fucking ruined so many things that were supposed to be fun for me too.
ANWAY I started going to therapy for that crap at the age of 9, and even tho I still have this phobia, it most certainly does NOT have the control over me that it did when I was a kid AT ALL.
I may have one episode a week these days compared to the ones I used to get DAILY.
I don’t try to restrict food or cancel plans or wash my hands violently, But I still will cry if I have to take antibiotics 🤣
This morning I had one of them episodes!😁
I think I drank too much lemonade or something before bed, too much acidity in my Tum 😩
I just woke up feeling really really just bleh in my whole body and a little nauseous.
My mind instantly started racing and by the time I got out of bed I was already slightly trembling.
A part of me KNEW I was okay. So I just went outside and told myself
“Alright, this is the perfect opportunity for you to just simply OBSERVE, don’t resist, just observe your anxiety.” I sat down on my couch and began doing my morning SADHANA. Telling myself often that how I feel is how I feel right here and now, I can’t escape this moment, I just make the best of if.
I felt like a complete different person after just doing 15 minutes of really deep focused breath work.
I tried observing my anxiety, pulling it out of me to look at it which I had already done a bit before and it looked the same but more violent, spikey black and white pins and needle looking things, then putting it back in, to turn it to love.🌈
Once I got my mind to calm down my body did too, and I felt like McKay again.
I decided to do the meditation of Transforming into Love,
I started to cry when my teacher read this to me.
“ Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy.
O, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life.”
I got so peaceful that all the sudden a ton of lyrics just started pouring out of me with so much EASE, literally I wrote an entire song in 10 minutes.
And it’s about exactly what I had just done. Taking the pain, the dis ease, the anxiety, anger, jealousy, everything that is inside of me that I would normally resist and push away, and this time really taking it in, owning it as a part of myself.
I don’t know where these words came from but this is my favorite thing I’ve ever written before.
After that eventful experience I got my yoga mat out and did some bizarre stretching which is what you see in the slides 🤣👏🏼 I just did what felt good in the moment.
The last 2 pictures are some information about the meditation I did if you want to try it for yourself 💖
I have no one else to thank but my personal life long relationship with anxiety for who I am today.
Through the suffering I have learned more than happiness ever could.
It makes us crave relief. enough of it forces us to make a change to how we’ve been coping/suppressing/avoiding the giant elephant in the room.
Trauma, pain, suffering doesn’t go away unless you do the work.
This is my work.
And I’m so grateful that I get to share it with you. 💖
Now I gotta go find some chords to this song 🥰
Love
Mckay 🦋
