PART THREE
This pattern continued over the next few weeks w..
🕑 Added 2021-11-25 03:06:56 +0000 UTC
PART THREE
This pattern continued over the next few weeks where I would smoke a cigarette and film it while telling my experience. My husband was turned on, my followers asked for more, and I became increasingly eager to plan out new outfits to wear each day. There were a few days when I was staying with my family and also some when the weather was stormy and I was unable to go outside to film anything. Afterwards, when I started having more opportunities to make videos I would try to shoot several in a day, especially since the nauseous feeling I once got wasn't as bad, if I just had one and waited a few hours until I had another I wasn't bothered at all. The sensations the smoking was giving me was becoming something I also looked forward to. With a clear schedule and great weather I continued filming 2-4 videos a day just so I would be sure to have something to post every day in case of bad weather. By this point, I had gone through a few packs and I started to realize that wanting to film videos was actually me wanting cigarettes. I had to question myself as to whether or not these were cravings. I explained it to my husband for his opinion, but it just seemed to seduce him into a trance. He was immediately aroused by my cravings developing, which at that point I knew he had a smoking fetish. He told me to tell him when I craved it as it would turn him on. We talked deeply about what it was that he found so appealing about the cravings and he explained how it was fascinating to see something bad corrupting me with pleasure. It was a form of dominance I was giving in or submitting to. This thought stuck with me as something I did sense a lot. It was as if I was letting something bad come into my body and slowly become a part of me, transforming who I am. Maybe this is the feeling of change that I was looking for. I was always good and I knew this experiment was to try something bad for once, and the physical sensations from the smoking helped me confirm that change. It was like adding yin to yang and I found it beautiful in my own way.
After thinking so introspectively about smoking, I became less guarded about the negative connotations surrounding my experiences and began accepting them as part of my journey. I continued to smoke about 3-5 cigarettes a day regularly and my cravings grew stronger. It became a cycle of rewarding my cravings, and my cravings rewarding me in return. This may sound weird for some people to hear but I really liked that idea. Through regular practice and watching smoking videos, I know how to inhale properly and experience all of the sensations of the nicotine and smoke. It is both relaxing and also exhilarating. It makes me feel happy and washes my anxiety away, making me feel much more confident, and in many ways sexy too. After a few times when I was not able to smoke in the last month I really noticed how much my body needs the nicotine now and how important it is to smoke when I get my cravings. I have come to terms now that I am reliant on smoking and have become addicted to it. I smoke around 10 a day now and not just for videos, I just smoke whenever I have a craving. Some might laugh, but I feel a lot more like an adult now and becoming a smoker has helped me feel mature. I understand the dangers of smoking, however I feel this is the change I needed to make and I am very happy with it.
Thank you for taking the time to read through all of this, I am sorry it was so long.
