katarinaishii
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Thanks for all the support; I appreciate all of you as subsc..
🕑 Added 2022-04-04 19:32:09 +0000 UTC Thanks for all the support; I appreciate all of you as subscribers. So it’s time for me to keep up my deal if the bargain. Lately a few subscribers have had personal experiences with suicide; I do as well and know very well how alienating it feels to lose someone close to suicide. There’s a taboo against talking about it which I think is a big problem; these are the type of things we should be talking about; talking about it can be a matter of life and death. As people may know, my ex committed suicide at age 22 (he should be turning 29 this upcoming June). It’s sometimes hard to believe he’s really gone; I feel sometimes guilty for having aged this far. Anyways, if you need someone to talk to about your difficulties with depression, suicidal thoughts and what not, I experience some of those things to a tremendous degree and can offer an empathetic ear. Here’s what I wrote about him: I was chatting with some friends over the weekend about how I didn’t cry, I was just not an emotional person, circumstances that brought most to tears would make me remain stoic. I finished a book on suicide earlier this week too and didn’t think about it in a detailed way. Then I went back to this subreddit and all the similar emotions and feelings rushed back to me after my ex killed himself (at 22 but she should be 28). The grief I feel is heavy and I honestly feel insulted when people try to say they know how I feel, especially if their grief is from an old great parent who is at the age where death is expected. My ex called me before he did this, I broke up with him and I always saw suicide threats as manipulation tactics, but when it isn’t, you’re left feeling like a terrible person who literally could have stopped someone from committing suicide. He never even expressed suicidal thoughts. It makes me sad how many kind things he said about me to other people. Funny story: He’s from Chicago so he was a huge Cubs fan, the underdogs. We always joked about them never winning the World Series or the last time being when the Ottoman Empire existed. The year he dies is the year the Cubs won the World Series. I hope he saw that. I dream about him from time to time where I wake up in tears. It’s one of those typical “I’m not really dead” dreams. I don’t know where those thoughts come from, I suppose some u n c o n s c i o u s hope that it’s not true, it’s all a joke that has been played on us for years and he will come back at 28 years old and say “surprise”. I saw his ashes, somehow that further cements him being forever gone more than burial — the fact his body was burned truly means there’s no hope to see him alive. It’s been since 2016 since this happened. I didn’t cry initially, I laughed — I don’t know why, maybe I didn’t know how to respond to the news. Now it’s the only thing that can make me cry or feel anything — having someone close feels alienating, it’s different than other deaths. It has been labeled sinful or shameful in various cultures for centuries, it makes sense that there are still general uneasiness with the topic.
