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The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon (Chapter 3)
🕑 Added 2022-01-17 16:41:33 +0000 UTCIn his previous life, Theo used to think that money was the solution to any problem. Technically, he was right—the things that he was attempting to do were utterly impossible if he didn’t have gold to spare. However, in this world, money wasn’t a single issue he had to face. The spirit guide had taught him how to create a magic spindle—one that he was able to use freely without relying on Cmyk. However, the spirit guide hadn’t provided the main ingredient necessary for gold creation—hay. It had then been necessary to get the extremely lazy minion to go about town in searching for a few fistfuls of hay in order to buy more.
As a dungeon, and master of the minion, it was supposed to have been easy for Theo to order the skeleton around. Unfortunately, it turned out that the minion’s laziness trumped its loyalty or even fear. A long haggling match took place at the end of which Cmyk was to receive his very own comfortable bed in exchange for doing a few tasks.
Theo was big enough to give assurances that he would not go back on his promise, so he used his ability to create a special room on the top floor with a single deluxe king-sized bed inside. Content with the trade, Cmyk spent the next few hours roaming the city looking for cleanish hay he could use. Finding hay turned out to be more difficult than one would expect. The streets were exceedingly clean, and all the stables were too much hassle to bother with; Somehow, despite Cmyk’s disguise of flesh, animals continued to sense his real nature and acted aggressively whenever he neared. The people, in contrast, found him rather charismatic.
“Umm, excuse me,” an apple seller not too far from Theo said. She had been watching Cmyk go about the neighborhood all day with no apparent goal. “Umm, are you lost?”
The minion looked at her. The apple seller could be described as beautiful, although she was definitely pretty in a wholesome, plain sort of way. Short hazel hair went down slightly below her neck, in almost identical fashion to Cmyk’s. Like most of the stall sellers, she was dressed in simple linen clothes, although her brown skirt did have several glass beads sewn in as decoration.
Seeing this as a way to do less work, Cmyk nodded.
“Oh,” the woman said, looking down at the apples for a moment. “Would you like some help?”
The minion nodded again.
“It must be difficult arriving somewhere new,” the woman continued in a quiet voice. “Especially here. Rosewind isn’t as organized as a lot of the big cities. I saw when your mage house popped up here.” The woman let out a chuckle. “Everyone did, in fact. I guess it must be nice to be able to travel wherever you want without leaving your house?”
Uncertain how to respond to this question, Cmyk decided to rely on what he had established to work, so he nodded once more.
“What—” the woman began, only to be interrupted.
“Hey, Wanda,” a rather large man in an adventurer’s outfit shouted with a wave.
He was rather muscular himself to the point he rivaled Cmyk’s own size. Unlike the minion, though, his clothes were far more practical. Most of them were leather, with the exception of the rather fine shirt of white silk he was wearing. Two sheaths hung from the man’s belt, holding a sword as well as a large dagger.
“Who’s your friend?” The adventurer made his way to the stand and picked up an apple.
“Hello, Ulf.” The faint smile that was on the seller’s face disappeared, replaced by a slightly annoyed frown. “The kind sir is the owner of that mage house.”
“You don’t say?” The one called Ulf looked over his shoulder at the building in question, then turned around and tossed a copper coin to the seller. “I’m Ulfang von Gregor,” he introduced himself. “But my friends call me Ulf. So, what do you think of Rosewind so far?”
Cmyk hesitated. He was entirely disinterested in having small talk with the locals, and even if he wanted, Theo had forgotten to grant him the ability to speak. Pretty much everything he could do was sigh and grunt, which he promptly did.
“The man is lost,” Wanda said, quickly coming to Cmyk’s defense. “He just arrived, so—"
“Right. I remember what it was like when I came here.”
Ulf gave Cmyk a strong back on the back. It was clearly aimed at illustrating the adventurer’s strength, but against all odds, the minion didn’t budge. If nothing else, Theo hadn’t spared any energy on making him a rather strong minion—far stronger than needed.
“The town is a real maze,” Ulf continued, impressed by the strength of his new acquaintance. “I kept getting lost for weeks when I first arrived. Don’t worry, though. I’m here to help. And Wanda’s already taken a liking to you.”
The seller’s cheeks got a shade pinker.
“So, what are you looking for?” Ulf asked.
Cmyk immediately pointed at the bakery at the end of the street.
“Bread?” the adventurer looked in the direction in question.
Cmyk narrowed his eyes, then shook his head. What he was actually pointing at was the straw hat the baker was wearing.
“I think he means a hat,” Wanda suggested timidly.
“Ah, you want gear,” the adventurer said with pride, as if he’d won a million-dollar quiz.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” The seller crossed her arms. She was annoyed at many things, though mostly in Ulf monopolizing Cmyk’s attention. “He probably wants a new set of clothes. Fashion in Rosewind is nothing like in the big cities, and he clearly doesn’t want to stand out.”
That was somewhat true. Even Cmyk had become uncomfortable with the looks he was getting while walking about. If it hadn’t been for his impressive physique, he probably would have been subject to serious ridicule. Looking forward to wearing something more suitable—and more importantly—more comfortable, Cmyk nodded twice.
“Clothes and gear, then!” Ulf grinned. “A man who knows his priorities. I like you, friend! Let’s get you set up.”
“Umm, please take this.” Wanda offered Cmyk a rather large apple. “Just a small welcome gift.”
As it turned out, this was just the first of many gifts that Cmyk would receive while going about town. He also found that one didn’t need money to actually buy things. With Ulf as a guarantee, quite a few shop owners agreed to let the minion have the wares with as little as a promise for him to pay them back in the next few days. What was more, all of them were eager to add a free item to the purchase to get on his good side.
The tailor had gone out of his way to find clothes that would fit, the blacksmith had agreed to part with the second-best sword on display… and the absurdity of the situation was that the more things Cmyk took, the more people were willing to give him.
In half a day, Cmyk had managed to visit everything of note within the town—with the exception of the palace—had made over a hundred acquaintances, and acquired enough gifts to fill a small room. The whole experience seemed rather pleasant. What was more, the minion had also found what he had been set out for: hay. In the case of the latter, it had also come with a cage and an obscenely large white rabbit—courtesy of one of the local farmers.
Come evening, when the stall and shop owners had closed up and Ulf, along with Cmyk’s other newly made friends, had departed to get back to their own lives, the minion returned to his dungeon. Needless to say, Theo was furious.
“What’s the meaning of this?!” the dungeon shouted. “I give you a simple five-minute task, and you spend a day chatting with people, buying everything in sight, and… is that booze I smell?”
The minion knew he was at fault, so he did the only thing that he knew would get him off the hook: hold the cage with the rabbit in front of his face.
“What the heck is that?!” Theo asked, still furious. Even back in his previous life, he wasn’t one known for his patience. Being able to watch his minion wander about town instead of doing the work he was supposed to, didn’t help either.
Undeterred, Cmyk shook the cage.
“You bought a lazy fat rabbit? Actually, how exactly did you afford all that?”
With a blank expression on his face, the minion took out a roll of parchments from his belt with his left and waved them next to the cage.
Those are ower’s papers, the spirit guide explained.
“Just great! You’ve been out for a day, and you’ve already gotten me in debt! I guess you can call your bed goodbye!”
Terrified by the prospect, the minion took several steps back. There were a lot of terrible things that Theo was capable of doing, and this seemed like the worst. No bed meant that Cmyk would have to resort to chairs for sleeping, which—now that he had a fleshy body—no longer were comfortable.
There’s hay beneath the rabbit, the spirit guide said in an attempt to diffuse the situation. Cmyk could use that to spin the gold needed to pay off the debt, as well as buy more hay? You’ll need more than a few gold coins to buy the land deed.
“Hmmm.” Theo didn’t sound overly convinced.
Look at it from a positive point of view. Him mingling with the locals has earned him trust. It’ll be a lot easier for him to get things done, which means you could be left alone.
Theo rattled the table in the main room. He didn’t trust the ex-skeleton as far as he could throw him. However, the guide did have a point. Clearly, a lot of people had found his minion trustworthy enough to sell him things on credit. For the sake of Theo’s dream of eternal sleep and procrastination, he decided to let matters slide this time.
“You better not let me down,” the dungeon said. “Go get spinning!”
Theo lifted his minion, moving him to the top floor. Thus, work finally began. Even with Theo and Cmyk’s combined efforts it took them an hour to spin the first gold coin. The process was long and arduous, driving the spirit guide to hysteria just by looking. Once done, both minion and master agree to take a short break, pleased with their achievement.
The next day, the work continued. The second gold coin was made in a quarter of the time. The third was ready in a matter of minutes. After that the floodgates broke. Coins poured onto the floor, as Cmyk and Theo synchronized their efforts. To no one’s surprise, the hay was completely gone, to the grouchy annoyance of the fat rabbit that had been deprived of its comfort.
“Good job!” Theo said, caught by the thrill of the moment. “Now take those coins, pay off your debts, then get more hay.” There was a slight moment of hesitation. “And you can spend the rest of the money however you wish. Just get the hay first!”
Eager to get all this “work” business over with, Cmyk gathered the gold coins and left. Five hours later, he was back with a whole lot of new things—mostly pillows, fluff filled blankets, and silk sheets—and, of course, several stacks of hay.
There was no trace of the gold coins Cmyk had left with, but Theo was far from annoyed. His only focus at present was getting the coveted land deed. According to the spirit guide—which Theo had started calling Spok—the cost of the deed would amount to roughly five hundred gold coins, a thousand to be safe. The goal in sight, Cmyk gave an apple to the fat rabbit and went to work with only marginal reluctance.
In no time, the floor was covered in coins. Stacks of gold piled up around the spinning wheel, forcing Cmyk to make a trail each time he went to get a fresh stack of straw.
I think so much would be enough, Spok said. It is a good idea to conserve your energy in case of an emergency.
“I restore energy fast enough,” Theo completely ignored the suggestion. “Are there any skills for platinum or silver coins?”
The question made little sense. Even so, the spirit guide swallowed its sarcasm and once again attempted to explain the utility of the request.
Platinum coins are mostly used by high nobility and some temples. Having them in large amounts is certain to attract attention. As for silver, you can just get them as change from the gold coins.
“I take that as a no, then.”
Instinct urged Spok to say “yes,” however, self-preservation made him remain quiet.
Gold making continued well into the evening. By that time, it was too late for Cmyk to go and buy the door, and so it was mutually agreed that everyone would enjoy some well-deserved rest. Spok attempted to argue under, reminding the dungeon that the last time the nap had lasted a few months. The suggestion was outvoted and ignored.
Morning came with a series of knocks on the door. Only this time they were accompanied by rather loud yells.
“What is it this time?” Theo grumbled. “Can’t a dungeon get a decent night’s rest?!”
Peeking through the upper window, Theo saw a rather large adventurer bounding on the door, yelling for Cmyk to open. From observing his minion two days ago, Theo knew that to be Ulf, and he strongly disliked him.
“Cmyk, your adventurer friend is out there,” the dungeon said in a disapproving tone. “See what he wants and then get to buying the deed. And paying off your debt.”
The minion didn’t budge from his bed. Theo was fully aware that Cmyk could hear him—just as the minion knew that his master knew—so he resorted to the tried and tested method.
“You can spend the rest of the gold on things you like,” Theo relented. “Provided you bring back more hay!”
The moment he said that, Cmyk jumped out of the bed and rushed downstairs. Being a lifeless minion, he didn’t need to remove his clothes, and thanks to his innate magic, didn’t need to wash or comb either.
It might be a good idea to create an entrance hall, Spok said while the minion was making its way down.
“What the heck do I need that for?” Theo grumbled. “Just a waste of Core Points and energy.”
The spirit guide tried its best to ignore that remark, especially since Theo had wasted an astronomical amount of points for two of the most useless dungeon abilities in existence.
There might be less questions if people didn’t see one vast empty room upon opening the door. And it’s far more economical than relying on illusions.
“Hmm.” Theo considered the option. He liked economical things—that way he wouldn’t have to spend energy constantly maintaining something, but rather focus on important matters, such as sleep. “You’re just trying to turn me into a conventional dungeon, aren’t you?”
You’re by no means conventional, Spok replied. I’m just trying to look out for your best interests and minimize potential complications.
“Fine,” Theo grumbled. “Cmyk, stop for a moment.”
Thank you, the guide said, rather relieved to have won an argument so quickly for once.
ROOM CREATION
Spend 50 energy per square foot to create or transform a room within you. Additional items could be added to the contents of the room, but need to be created separately.
The ability seemed remarkably close to downloadable content creation. And since Theo had no knowledge of interior design, he left the actual details to Spok, as he had with the house’s exterior.
Floor, walls, and ceiling in the respective section trembled, then moved like shaking jelly. Theo observed with fascination as floorboards, tiles, and other roomly decorations grew around Cmyk, creating the ideal entrance lobby. Both idyllic and refined, it looked like something that had come out of a movie set. Without a doubt, Spok was quite talented in that regard. Back in his previous life, Theo could only dream of owning a building with such a lobby.
“Go ahead, Cmyk,” the dungeon said.
The minion opened the door.
“Hey, Cmyk!” Ulf said loud enough for half the neighborhood to hear. “You sleep till late, don’t you?”
Cmyk stared blankly forward.
“That’s what I like about you!” The adventurer laughed, slapping Cmyk on the shoulder. “Never ashamed of his habits. It takes strength for that, you know.”
“Are all adventurers idiots?” Theo whispered on the upper floors, his question directed at Spok.
There are all kinds. Mostly, they are just obsessed with finding and looting dungeons.
“So, ready for a new day?” Ulf continued. “A few friends came back from a quest, so they’ll be celebrating the occasion. I told them a thing or two about you, so all of them are dying to meet you. What do you say?”
There was no response.
“Come on.” The adventurer poked Theo in the ribs with his elbow. “You can bring Wanda too. I know she’ll be happy about that.”
The minion blinked. It wasn’t that Cmyk had any particular indication to blink. Rather, he had found that blinking every now and again was better for his eyes. Like everything else about him, however, that too was wildly misinterpreted.
“There you go.” Ulf laughed. “Just—"
At this point, Theo abruptly closed the door. Small talk was never his thing, but more practically, the dungeon had created a large sack—filling it with as much gold as it could hold—and levitated it to the minion.
“Here’s your pocket change,” Theo said. “Remember. Deed and debts first, fun afterwards!”
The dungeon opened the door again, at which point the minion just walked out, a sack of gold on its shoulder. The conversation with Ulf continued, but since Theo was by no means interested, he closed the door shut again. Then the waiting began.
Normally, this would have been a calm and relaxing process. After all, Theo had his quiet, there were no immediate annoyances, and thanks to the silence spell, all outside sounds stopped at the door—with the exception of knocking. Today, however, the time dragged on, moving with the speed of a drunken snail.
Every ten minutes, Theo would open a window to peek outside, and each time, he’d find that there was no sign of his minion. Anxious, the dungeon started rearranging when little items there were within him. For starters, all the coins were neatly piled in stacks of a hundred and pleased neatly next to the spinning wheel. Annoyed to have them on the floor, Theo then used some energy to make a special table to hold them all. Naturally, having one nice element in an otherwise messy room was out of the question. Spending most of his previous adult life, Theo had developed “selective OCD” urging him to fix a few things.
A nice mahogany floor was created and covered by a thick Persian carpet. Cmyk’s med was moved to a separate bedroom, while the spinning wheel remained in what was to be a workroom. A wardrobe was created, in which Theo threw all the minion’s remaining clothes and accessories, then he started making chairs.
Are you planning on inviting anyone inside? Spoke gingerly approached the subject.
“What makes you think that?” Theo replied with a snort.
That usually is what chairs are for…
“It’s the principle of the thing,” Theo replied. “A house needs to have a few chairs. It’s practically tradition.”
I see…
“And a few trinkets here and there. And a kitchen. Yes, I must have a kitchen, and… are there concepts such as running water?”
I believe water has been running since the creation of the world, Spok replied. If you are referring to indoor plumbing and waterworks, those exist in some cities, but require a special permit. Personally, I would recommend against it. As a magic structure, you have the means to create a better and cheaper equivalent, by merely investing some energy in it.
The dungeon wasn’t particularly convinced.
And, of course, you won’t need to apply for any additional permits. In fact, that’s all included in the magic permit you’ll inevitably need to acquire.
“I see…” Bureaucracy was the only thing capable of changing Theo’s mind quickly. “How do I get one of those?”
You need to send a request to the nearest accredited Mage Tower, asking for an in-person inspection and evaluation. With the recent increase in magic construction, a detailed schematic of the structure, along with a list of local spells and magic appliances, will also be enough. Along with a small donation, of course.
“Of course.” Theo grumbled. Apparently, some things never changed. “Won’t the mages be annoyed I’m sending something they could create on their own?”
That’s a common misconception, the spirit guide explained. Transfiguration is generally a dungeon discipline. While mages do, in fact, have the knowledge to create gold, the mana requirements are punishingly high. Most often, they could only create something that has the appearance of gold for a few hours.
“I see. And I can send the request through magic means? I don’t need to wait for Cmyk to get there or anything?”
That is the preferred method.
“Okay. Tell me how to make a request.”
If I may, I think it’ll be much faster if I composed the request and all accompanying documents. All you need to do is focus some energy for me to use.
“Hmm,” Theo said, considering the option.
It’s a huge step, I know. But let me assure you, guides cannot act in a way to harm their dungeon. Unbreakable oaths aside, it is hardly practical, since whatever happens to you will happen to me as well.
“You know what? Is there a way for me to give you a bucket of energy or something, so you do all that without constantly having to bother me with details?” the dungeon asked.
Spok was rendered speechless. The spirit guide had long gotten used to illogical phrases—such as “bucket of energy”—but being offered absolute autonomous freedom was unprecedented. Dungeons never did that. That was one of the reasons binding oaths had been created in the first place. Spirit guides were created with vast knowledge, so they depended on the dungeon’s energy. More often than not, one of the first requests dungeons made during their own reincarnation process was to emerge without a spirit guide, but with a few ready abilities instead.
Are you sure you want to grant me that much autonomy? Spok asked.
“You can handle that stuff, right?”
Yes, but that’s—
“And you’ll deal with the daily maintenance of things and all other annoying tasks?”
Only basic chores. All important decisions will be left to you, or at the very least, require your permission.
“Good. You’re hired!” Theo opened and closed all windows of the building out of habit. In the past life that was his way of indicating that a discussion was over—at least when talking to employees beneath him on the food chain. Here, the action caused a lot of people on the street to give the building a strange look. “Build the rest of the rooms, make a kitchen, a bathroom, and all the other fancy things, and then teleport the magic permit request.”
Err, I am not allowed to use spells outside of the dungeon…
“You are now. I’m making you responsible for all the mail. Questions?”
If the spirit guide had a head to shake, it would definitely have done so.”
“Perfect! Let me not keep you from your work,” Theo said in managerial fashion. “If you have any further questions, don’t hesitate to let me know. In the meantime, I’ll be taking a nap.”
And so, the transformation of the dungeon began. Most of what Theo had created was discretely destroyed or transformed into something with an actual fashion sense. The spinning wheel was moved to the attic, which became the work area. Spock paid particular attention to add a lot of slanted windows on the roof, as well as make the work area a lot more accommodating. The idea was taken from Theo’s memories of his former life, but modified to be suitable for local architectural norms. The third floor was transformed into a giant library, complete with statues, exotic plants, and a few aesthetically pleasing magical devices. In addition, an armory was also created there—mostly decorative in nature—and long with a work study.
The second floor was made into a vast, but void of people, living area that would be the envy of fashion magazines: a giant master bedroom—complete with enchanted fireplace—, a trophy room, as well as a huge bathroom made of gray and blue marble.
The ground floor had a well-equipped kitchen, not that anyone was going to use it, the entrance lobby, as well as the grand hall in which guests would be invited—not that ever was going to happen. Cmyk’s bed and other possessions were moved to the basement, which was a living area on its own. As any minion, that was the only proper place for him, although Spok did take care to make it rather comfortable. That didn’t prevent the guide from adding a few prison cells, just in case.
Finally, the lowest level of the dungeon was transformed into the traditional treasure room, complete with the core chest of Theo himself.
Rather pleased with its achievement, the guide then proceeded to compose the magic permit request and send it off along with essentially all remaining gold coins. That done, there was nothing left to do but admire the work, which Spok did… at least until there was a knock on the entrance door.
