LiseEclaire
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The Impeccable Adventure of the Reluctant Dungeon (Chapter 1)
🕑 Added 2022-01-10 14:39:25 +0000 UTCBeing a dungeon took a while of getting used to. Since there wasn’t anyone around to explain things, he had to examine himself piece by piece.
The outer door was a good start. He found that he could open, close, bolt, and unbolt it. Thankfully, from what it looked like, he wasn’t going to have to do much of that. The being of light had kept her word. As far as Theo could tell, he was within a small hill in a valley surrounded by impenetrable mountains on three sides and a thick thorny forest on the fourth. There were villages, burrows, nests, or even bee hives in the entire area, ensuring idyllic calm.
Connected to the entrance was Theo's first room—the entrance. It wasn’t much of a room containing a crude wooden table, with two chairs, an iron chandelier with a dozen burning candles, and a single bear trap that would need someone to be blind not to fall in it.
Adjacent to the entrance hall was what was supposed to be a guard room. Instinctively, Theodor knew that this was the place from which all dungeon minions were supposed to spawn. For the moment, the only creature he had the power to summon was a Skeletal digger.
Normally, a dungeon would spawn a digger as quickly as possible and send it to dig further down in search of minerals and precious metals to be converted into energy. Theodor, however, had no such intention. He found that both his size and simplicity were ideal to achieve his goal of doing absolutely nothing. Many times, in his previous life, he had dreamt for such a day, and it was here.
The final chamber was the treasure room. In it was a plain, insignificant chest that held Theodor’s soul, or in dungeon terms, his “core.” If it were to be damaged or—more likely—stolen, his life as a dungeon would end, and he’d go straight back to another reincarnation session with the lady of light. Needless to say, that would be a catastrophic outcome. Theo had fought hard to obtain a life of eternal procrastination and had no intention of allowing it to come to an end. And just to be on the safe side, he closed and bolted the door, then spawned a skeletal digger to push the table in front.
“Perfect,” Theo said, his words echoing throughout his rooms.
The skeleton looked up, blue flames glowing in his eyes, then went back to the nearest chair and sat down.
“Aren’t you the lazy one,” Theo noted. Back in his previous life, that would have set him off on a shouting spree that would continue for minutes, until his blood pressure rose to the point that he had to sit down. Here, he found that he didn’t care in the least. “That’s good. Just sit there and do nothing.”
Spending close to an hour to “close” his eyes, Theo finally got the hang of it and went into a deep snooze. For the first time since he could remember, the former man could say that he experienced true bliss surrounded by nice soft soil, and most important of all, far from intterrup—
Rap! Rap! Rap!
An annoying set of sounds broke Theo’s train of thought, causing him to wake up. His immediate reaction was to try to jump to his feet—a habit acquired from the years of crunching and sleeping at work. Since he was a dungeon, however, the only thing achieved was to toss all the furniture about, like a horror movie poltergeist.
“What’s going on?!” he shouted.
The skeleton digger—was pinned to the ceiling of the main hall due to Theo’s sudden actions—just shrugged.
Rap! Rap! Rap!
“There!” The chandelier pointed in the direction of the door. “What’s that noise?”
The skeleton stared blankly forward, then shrugged again.
“Some good you are,” Theo grumbled. Of course, he’d end up with a minion that’s stupid. “Well, don’t just hang there! Get down from the ceiling and go check.”
The skeleton’s head tilted slightly forward, expressing what was supposed to be interpreted as an airless sigh. Then, with extreme reluctance, pushed himself off the ceiling only to crash on the stone wall, breaking down to a pile of bones.”
“Don’t give me that!” Theo shouted. “I know you’re fine.” As the one who had created the digger, he was fully aware that his minion hadn’t perished in the fall. However, even he had to admire the creature’s ingenuity when it came to avoiding work. “Get yourself together or I’ll force you to spend the next week digging for resources.”
The threat had an instant effect. The scattered bones quickly assembled, and a fully functional skeleton pulled the table away from the entrance and opened the door. Bright light poured into the hall, blinding Theo to the point that he slammed the door shut again… throwing his minion out in the process.
Ouch, he thought. That was rather unfortunate, even if the skeleton deserved it. Still, since Theo didn’t want to waste energy on creating another skeleton, he cracked the door open just a bit. This time, the light didn’t seem as bright. Encouraged, Theo opened it further and further, until he was able to see his surroundings. For the most part, the valley seemed unchanged since the last time he had seen it, with one major difference: a scurry of rather large squirrels with sharp teeth had disassembled Theo’s minion and were gnawing on the skeleton’s bones.
“What in the world is that?!”
Cicada Squirrel, a voice said. Carnivorous and extremely lethal creatures that spend seven years hibernating in underground burrows. Once the period is over, they emerge for three weeks which they spend gathering food and multiplying. Many towns and villages have been completely wiped out due to the cicada squirrel’s life cycle, resulting in them in being classified as a—
“Hold on! Who are you?” Theodor shouted. Having examined every inch of himself, he knew that there weren’t supposed to be any creatures other than skeletal digger, and definitely none that could talk.”
I’m your spirit guide, the voice said. After a person chooses to become a dungeon for the first time, a spirit guide is created in order to help them adjust to their new self.
“Just great…” Theo sighed. He knew all this was too good to be true.
Upon creation, I was specifically instructed to disturb you as rarely as possible, and only in cases of extreme danger or alarm, the voice added.
“At least there’s a silver lining. Not that I was alarmed,” Theo insisted. “I was just annoyed that the place I was reincarnated to wasn’t as quiet as advertised.”
The cicada squirrels are only active for three weeks every seven years, the voice explained. A large colony of them has made Thornwood their home, which ensures that no settlements would appear in the area, ensuring calm and tranquility in the remaining time.
“Every seven years?” Theo groaned. As he did, several of the large creatures entered into the main hall and started sniffing about.
There is no reason for alarm, the voice said, as Theo moved about the furniture in a clumsy attempt to shoe the creatures out. While cicada squirrels are quite carnivorous, they have no interest in material possessions or the non-living. At most, they are going to explore a bit in search of food, then leave when they find there isn’t any.
“Just swell.” This was not a good start to Theo's life as a dungeon. Still, he had to admit there was a bright side. At least it was guaranteed that there wouldn’t be any pesky villagers about. “Lazy bones, stop lying on the ground and build a fence to keep the squirrels out.”
The skeleton remains didn’t react.
“Look, I know you’re faking it, so get back up and—"
Your minion doesn’t have the required strength to function outside of the dungeon, the voice explained. As a digger minion, its only purpose is to dig resources for you to increase your power. In order for a minion to perform tasks a distance away, you’ll need to bestow a name upon it.
“A name?” Theo had some vague memory of how to do that, not that he had considered doing so. So far, he was perfectly content in referring to the minion as “you.” However, if a name was going to improve matters, it was an annoyance worth taking.
Skeletal Digger is now known as Cmyk!
A shimmering message appeared in Theo’s consciousness. Instant’s, the skeletal remains were surrounded by a green glow. Moving towards one another in aethereal fashion—occasionally dragging a squirrel or two that had lodged their teeth too firmly into the bone—so as to create a new skeleton. This skeleton, however, was different: larger, stronger, and glowier than before, with a bone sword attached to the back of his spine.
CMYK – Skeletal Minion
Level: 1
Strength: 3
Speed: 3
Mind: 9
Energy (Health): 21
Free Attribute Points: 7
Named minions can perform actions independently, although they still need access to the dungeon’s energy in order to survive, the spirit guide said. Depending on the skills and attribute points you assign them, they can become useful scouts, or the first line of defense.
Theodor wasn’t impressed in the least. From what he could see, his minion was quite slow and weak, but smart enough to be lazy.
“Cmyk, get the squirrels out of here, then make a fence.”
The skeleton looked at the door of the dungeon, then at the squirrels gnawing at his tibias. The prospect of working wasn’t at all appreciated. However, since a minion couldn’t ignore the orders of its master, the skeleton got on with it… in the slowest possible fashion. Still, even slow work was work, so Theo did his best to ignore the sudden burst of chaos and attempted to get back to sleep. Unfortunately, as it turned out, that was easier said than done.
It took over an hour for Cmyk to throw out all the squirrels from the main hall, which he did one by one, opening and closing the door each time in the process. Only well after evening was a certain degree of calm achieved. With the squirrels off to sleep, and Cmyk done working on the makeshift fence, Theo could close his eyes again and snooze off.
At the crack of dawn, the annoying rattling and scratching on the door resumed. The cicada squirrels had the intelligence of goldfish and the demeanor of cats. Apparently, they were incapable of retaining that the dungeon provided no food of any sort and kept on insisting to get inside. The fence did little to deter them, as did Theo’s skeletal minion.
Every hour, several of them would claw at the door in an attempt to enter, and when Theo—annoyed at the constant noise—opened the door, they would swarm in and start sniffing over everything.
Initially, Theo attempted to resolve the situation by having his minion build bigger fences. Each morning, the fences would end up completely destroyed and the same scurry of squirrels would be at the door. The only reason the door remained unscathed was because Theo’s regenerative ability constantly restored it to its original state.
Three days later, Theo had had enough.
“How do I stop these things?!” he shouted in desperation.
He simply was incapable of enduring this for another eighteen days, if the spirit guide was to be believed. Cmyk too shared his concern, even going so far as patting the walls of the dungeon twice in a sort of moral support.
“Guide, there must be something I could do!”
Cicada squirrels are impossible to eradicate, the guide’s voice said. The inhabitants of this continent amassed heroes and armies to achieve such a feat.
“I don’t want to eradicate them. I just want them to repel them. Isn’t there some spell or poison I could use?”
You don’t have the energy to do anything of the sort. At present, you don’t even have enough resources for another digger minion.
“Just swell.” So much for a free lunch. If Theo ever got to see the lady of light again, he’d have a few harsh words. “Is there anything I can do?”
You have just enough energy to cast an Aura of Fear. The effects will be temporary—a week at most—but it will make any living creature that approaches you to feel deep fear, making it more inclined to run away.
“Just more inclined?”
In order to cast a more potent Aura of Fear, you’ll need to consume a certain amount of ores and minerals. Given that the area you’re in is lacking considerable deposits, finding a sufficient amount will take you approximately two and a half years, provided that your minion never rests.
The thought was absurd. Cmyk was the type of minion that would slack even when it knew that Theo was keeping an eye on him. Having him perform any laborious activity, let alone dig for an extended period of time, was less likely to happen than the squirrels remembering to stop searching the entrance hall for food.
You also have enough energy to summon a bear trap, the guide said more out of pity than anything else.
“A bear trap…” Theo repeated. That was outright humiliating. Maybe it was a mistake to give Cmyk a name. With the same amount of energy, he could have created three unnamed minions, not that he’d do anything with them. Having them dig would likely be just as noisy as the squirrels outside. “This Aura of Fear… is there a way to make it last longer?”
Yes, but if it were to last for three weeks, the only thing it would create in the creatures that approach would be mild unease.
“Hmmm.” Theo’s mind started working faster. Years of game dev experience kicked in from his previous life, providing a possible solution. “What if I strengthen the aura?” he asked.
That is also possible. You can amplify it to the point that any living creature within a few miles would run away in terror. Of course, that would only last for a day. It might get the cicada squirrels to avoid you for a half a week, five days at most, but they will be back.
“What if I boost it as much as possible for an hour?”
The area of effect will increase. Some of the nearby creatures might get stunned from shock.
“And if I boost it more?”
This isn’t the best use of the aura, but if it were to last for a minute, it’s likely that all squirrels within the hill might die from fright. The area of effect will extend further as well.
“What about a second? No! One thousandth of a second. No!” Theo hesitated. “What if I make an aura that only lasts the smallest fraction of a second?”
Then, it wouldn’t be an aura, the guide replied. All you’ll do is release one giant flash of fear that would spread throughout the area. It will certainly frighten all the squirrels off, as well as any other creature in the area.
“Perfect!”
I’d like to remind you that they will still return. If not today, they’ll be back tomorrow and you’d have used up all of your energy.
“It’s no worse than any of the alternatives. Besides, primal fear isn’t to be underestimated. When the stupid squirrels get a taste of this, they’ll go back to hibernating. Are you sure they’ll be able to tell I’m the source of the fear?”
Most certainly.
“So, how do I do it?”
Flash of Dread created
Convert 50 energy into a wave of condensed dread. The dread will be so powerful that it will transform into a pillar of black light that spreads throughout the land, carrying dread where it goes.
I’ve modified the Aura of Fear based on your specifications, the guide explained. All you need to do is focus on—
“Flash of Dread!” Theo shouted.
A beam of pure blackness shot up from the hill above the dungeon, sucking up out all light as it pierced the sky. The squirrels in front of the door were swept away, fainting in an instant. They were soon followed by hundreds more that lived in the forest. Being a dungeon, Theo couldn’t feel the dread that he had cast, but he clearly saw its effectiveness. For close to a minute, he remained silent, door wide open so he could see what was going on outside. So far, no new squirrels had approached the door, which was a promising start.
As I was saying, you could have focused on the intensity during casting, the spirit guide said after a while. When spells and auras are concerned, only the maximum amount of energy is indicated. It is possible to decrease the amount by as much as you find suitable.
“Oh. I’ll keep it in mind.” Theo felt silly.
Before he could say another word, hundreds of cicada squirrels emerged from their burrows. Driven by panic, they uprooted trees as they rushed in the opposite direction of the valley.
“See?” Theo couldn’t help but gloat a bit. “Just as I suspected. That will tell them to bother me every seven years.”
The spirit guide said nothing. It could clearly see how unsuited Theo was for the life of a dungeon. Under the circumstances, the best solution was to remain quiet, only give advice when asked, and definitely not grant Theo any further abilities.
Theo, on his part, didn’t notice at all. Content that he wouldn’t get any further bothers, he instructed Cmyk to clean up the dungeon a bit, then went back to blissful sleep.
Days passed, then weeks. No squirrel or living creature dared go anywhere near the dungeon’s door, let alone disturb him. After a month, it seemed that the Flash of Dread was energy well spent. Luck and chance, however, always had a way of confounding even the most perfect of plans. While Theo was snoozing away—as was the skeletal minion—a grey-haired man made his way through the forest of Thornwood. With the cicada squirrels gone, there was no creature to stop him from going forward, although the roots and branches were doing a pretty good job at slowing him down. Twice the man’s helmet was knocked off his head, forcing him to pick it back up from the ground with a grumble. On the third time, the man could take it no longer.
“You bloody wormwood branches!” the man shouted, shaking a fist at the tree was the latest culprit. “When this is all over, I’ll cut your trunk to splinters and leave a root so you could watch as I make your branches to mush for the paper mill! And when that’s done, I’ll take that paper along with a barrel of sour apples and use it to wipe my ass!”
The series of courses continued, becoming louder and louder, not to mention more explicit. Like a torrent of water, the noise made its way past the forest and into the valley where Theo was trying to sleep.
“What now?” the dungeon grumbled, cracking the door open. No sooner had he done so, when the cursing suddenly ended.
This made Theo somewhat confused. Remaining perfectly still, the dungeon waited, uncertain whether he hadn’t merely dreamt the noise. Since nothing happened for several minutes, he closed the door and was just about to get back to snoozing when a new series of curses filled the air.
This time the dungeon opened the door widely. There was no mistake—the noise was there. What was more, it had gotten loud enough for him to make out individual swear words.
“Guide!” the dungeon grumbled.
Is there any way I could be of assistance? The spirit guide asked with the enthusiasm of an overworked customer support assistant.
“Why is there some drunk shouting in my forest?” Theo asked. “Wasn’t this place supposed to be deprived of people?”
That was before you chased away the cicada squirrels. Now Thornwood is merely a rather unpleasant forest located in a difficult to reach location. Most likely, an adventurer has gotten lost and is seeking a place to rest. It’s not an uncommon occurrence.
“Adventurers,” Theo said.
He hated them with a passion. Even back in his previous life, people who regularly went hiking or travelling—and kept casually shoehorning their trips in every conversation—annoyed him to the extreme. Adding to that, adventurers in this world were considered to be a dungeon’s natural enemy.
“Cmyk, go scare him off,” Theo ordered.
Sitting on a chair, the skeleton tilted its skull.
“You’re a skeleton, you’re supposed to be able to do that. Just wave your sword or something.”
Even through his utter emotionlessness, the skeleton didn’t appear convinced. Nonetheless he took the bone sword from his spine and went outside.
Meanwhile, the old man’s curses were getting closer and closer. At this point he had given up picking his helmet from the ground, and had continued bareheaded through the forest. Going past the final few trees, the old man stopped to catch his breath. Breathing heavily, he took a sword from his belt—sheath and all—and leaned on it as if it were a cane.
Seeing him made Theo feel guilty. He had no intention of allowing the man anywhere near, but even so chasing away a poor unfortunate old man felt wrong.
“Cmyk,” Theo said. “Maybe just ask him to leave.”
The skeleton minion looked over his shoulder, then back at the old adventurer. Slowly, he halved the distance between them and stopped. The next minute passed in silence. The adventurer had a lot to say, but was still fighting to calm his breathing. Facing him, Cmyk has neither the ability, nor the will to say anything at all.
“You think you can fool me, archdemon?!” the old man finally said, his voice booking throughout the entire valley. “A single skeleton is no match for the likes of me! I’ll have you know that back in my day—”
“Just great,” Theo sighed. “He’s drunk. Cmyk, shoo him away!”
While the adventurer kept going on his tirade, the skeleton waved its sword clumsily in a fashion that would make a scarecrow seem heroic. The man gave the minion a single glance, then completely ignored it as he walked past. Needless to say, Cmyk didn’t bother rushing after the man in an attempt to stop him.
Theo, however, was not having any of that. When the adventurer got a few steps away, the dungeon slammed and bolted the front door.
“Open up!” The man slammed on the door. “You think that a simple door would stop me?!”
“Guide, is there a way to zap him with electricity or something?” the dungeon asked.
If you hadn’t used up most of your energy when casting the Flash of Dread, that would have been possible, the spirit guide said.
“I’ll bash the door in!” the adventurer shouted from outside.
“Can he do that?” Theo asked.
Not with his bare hands. Given that the door is the absolute weakest, it is possible for it to be chopped up using an axe, mace, or adequate sword.
A loud slam sounded as the adventurer slammed into the door with his shoulder. A few seconds later, he did it again. And again. For whatever reason the old man refused to use any weapon in his attempts to break into the dungeon. That could have been seen as a good thing, but it only made Theo think of his neighbors during his past life; they too wound pound on the wall for no apparent reason.
“Just go away!” Theo shouted. “Find some other dungeon to pester.”
In response, the adventurer took a few steps back and charged into the door again. This time, the door shook quite violently. Encouraged by the effect, the old man went back even further, almost reaching the spot in which Cmyk stood. Then he charged forward.
“Oh, no you don’t!” Theo said, doing the only thing his low lack of energy would allow: he opened the door.
The action caught the adventurer completely by surprise. Unable to stop, he attempted to slow down. The effort was clumsy, causing him to trip on the door’s threshold, then go falling right in the direction of the table. A loud crack was heard as the old man hit his chin on the edge of the table.
Oh dear, Theo thought. That didn’t sound well at all.
CONGRATULATIONS!
You have killed Lord Maximillian Ezier during his attempt to obtain your core!
Lord Ezier was a triple hero of the land of legendary stature who saved the continent of Kajilan from destruction seven times, and as well as single-handedly defeated the archdemon Ziken—minion of the Demon Lord Enelyion.
978,654,300 Core Points obtained.
News of your achievement shall be known throughout the entire continent.
“Crap…” Theo whispered. This was one fine mess he had managed to get himself into.
Comments
:D Thank you :) This story is my take on a overpowered commedy :) Will see how it goes.
Carlos Enrique Altuve Rangel
That was unexpected and hilarious, love it
