Jake Barry
patreon
Chapter 44
🕑 Added 2023-07-12 13:00:08 +0000 UTCIt's been six hours since that giant woman and I fought. The sun has set and the work day has ended. Most everyone in the city have probably been home for an hour or two. Meanwhile, I have been stuck here in the cabin, with nothing to do but think.
"And think... And think... And think..."
Six hours is a long time. I spent it pacing around, napping, and laying on the floor to stare at the ceiling. Ironically, I don't get any reception from my current position, only emergency notifications. Without anyone to call or chat with, I've been bored out of my mind. Worse, I've begun to 'replay' the fight from earlier in my head. A lot was said, much of it being very insensitive. While I would like to blame it all on her, I can't. I don't regret what I said. It was warranted! But... I recognize that it only made things worse.
"Man. I hate arguments." I sigh. "I don't know if I can handle another day of this..."
I close my eyes and try to doze off again. I'm not tired, but maybe I can force it?
"Hey." A familiar voice calls to me. I frown and get up, moving toward the front of the cabin. It's her again, only this time she is kneeling in front of the couch, trying to peer inside the accessory. I lazily glance over, somewhat surprised that someone so big and loud managed to sneak up on me. I rise from the floor and move to the window, seeing that she has already put her earpiece back on. The look on her face is somber and her voice is devoid of any hostility. "Can we talk?"
"Is it related to the city?" I say, unmuting myself once more.
"It isn't."
"I don't suppose telling you to go away would work?"
"Not this time, Nick." She leans in closer, enough to see me properly through the glass. "Hear me out?"
I take a long, deep breath. I must be extremely bored to even be considering this. Whatever, I guess it's better than the silence. "Fine. Talk."
She gives me a half smile. "Thanks."
Her hand reaches for the earring, transferring it from the couch to her other palm. She then gets up from the floor and returns to where she was sitting earlier, only with me in hand. Seems like she wants to talk face to face. There is a long pause, where I am left waiting for her to say something. Now that I can see her whole face, I can tell that she's not feeling so hot.
"You were right." She says, without any elaboration. Her eyes struggle to look at me, darting to the side a few times.
"Come again?"
"I'm saying that you are right." Her other arm moves to her waist to hug it. "I can't undo what I did to those people. No matter how much I wish I could, I simply cannot change the past. What I did back then was horrible and I regret it very deeply. I'm sorry. I really am."
I listen to her speak, surprised to hear her apologize. I thought she was too proud for that. Too little, too late, though.
"Hmph." I roll my eyes.
I see her take a shaky breath, trying to put on a brave face. Although, her voice is heavy as she continues talking.
"I can't ask you to forgive me, it's not my place to decide whether I deserve it or not. Nor is it your place to absolve me of that. But I promise you that I will continue to better myself. I've been putting my all into it."
She stops talking, waiting for me to give her a response. I'm silent, apart from the sound of my breathing. She is patient, keeping the cabin still even as the silence prolongs. Though, her breathing is now noticeably faster. It feels as if I have her in the palm of my hand, despite reality being quite the opposite. I think that for a long time, I wanted so badly to confront her. Now that we are here, I don't feel as confident. How am I supposed to be cold when she just said all that! Dammit! What I say next will be impactful, be it positive or negative. I shouldn't chose my words carelessly.
"For so long." I begin, slowly. "So many nights. I couldn't sleep, just thinking about what I saw that day. I used to have nightmares about you."
Upon saying this, she makes a strange sound, like a whimper. I'm inclined to disregard it. It seems so disingenuous at first glace, like crying to gain sympathy. Yet somehow, I don't feel like it's an act. Perhaps I've been spending too much time with Ori, but when I look into this woman's eyes, I see more than just the monster from that day.
"Do I...scare you?" She asks, soft as a mouse. She closes her eyes and furrows her brow, preparing for my answer.
"..." I don't respond, but I think that makes my answer clear to her.
She takes a moment before speaking again.
"When I learned..." She begins. "When I realized what I'd done..." She corrects herself. "It made me sick. It still does, sometimes. I won't lie and say that I've agonized over it, but I haven't forgotten about it either. It took me months to reach a conclusion. All this time and I've just been dismissing it."
"How so?" I ask, curiously.
"Like when we fought. Honestly, I don't even care that you were there. Like, I got defensive and acted mad about it to avoid addressing the real topic." She confesses. "I... I don't like being called out. No one does. But, I deserved it."
"That, we can agree on." I nod. "Me, and those others from that day."
"Twelve." She says, seemingly out of nowhere.
"What?" I ask.
"Those people. Twelve, to be exact."
I stare at her, confused and shocked by her statement. Sure, she could be throwing a random number at me, but then again, that doesn't make sense. It'd be simpler for her not to say a number, especially when she's in the process of admitting guilt.
"It was only ten, actually." I lie. I do this intentionally, giving a lower number. At least, I think it's lower. I can't be sure since I was too far away to count back then.
"No, it was twelve. I'm sure of that." She insists. "All innocent, all helpless against me. I could never forget the number. I know that me saying that doesn't make it better, but I feel you should know."
Surprisingly, knowing the exact number doesn't bother me. Quite the opposite, it makes me feel slightly better about the whole thing. It's weird... I can't explain it. More importantly, I didn't see it coming. Those morbid details... They give some modicum of credit to her words. It makes me see her a little differently. I don't know how to feel about it just yet. I guess now is my chance to sort these feelings out.
"You call them people now, but back then they were just 'garnish'. Disposable Lillis, no better than the salt that comes from the shaker."
"There are things... Things in our culture... As Brobs." She purses her lips, trying to find the right words. "There are things that every Brob hears while growing up. That we are bigger, better, and more important. That it's okay to hurt Lillis. That they are hardly even people. I, like many others, accepted that without a second thought." She lowers her palm, and in turn the cabin, to her lap. Maybe it's because her arm is getting tired or maybe it's because she wants some distance from me. I'll never know. "Listen. I'm not Jeannine, and I'm never going to be. I don't really think like her, and even now I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that the 'specks' that run around at our feet are people just like us. It's not easy to change your worldview. But I'm trying."
"Those are nice words, but I'm still having trouble believing them." I cross my arms, absolutely apalled by the suggestion. "Did it never occur to you that people like me are just like you?"
"I think it did, once or twice. But it never 'stuck' with me. It's an inconvenient truth. A hard pill to swallow." Suddenly she averts her gaze in shame. "Very poor choice of words. Sorry."
"Whatever. Go on."
"Ehem. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was raised to think a certain way. That way is wrong, I know that in my heart. But it influenced my actions."
"So, basically, what you're saying is that this isn't your fault because everyone said it was okay and helpless, little you was duped?"
"No, Nick." She shakes her head. "The blame is all mine, okay? I'm owning up to it. But I'm also trying to explain how I saw things."
I clench my fist tightly in anger. "I could also tell you how I see things, but it wouldn't matter. You're not a Lilli. You'll never be one. You'll never understand the things we go through."
"Well, neither are you a Brob." She frowns. "It goes both ways."
"Not really. That's hardly fair."
"Why not?" She asks me, bringing the earring closer to her face, her eye looking in, right at me.
"Because..." I tense up under such scrutiny. "B-Because Lillis have no power. We can't resist."
"That's true. If and when one of us wants to hurt one of you, it's not very difficult."
"Exactly." I nod, agreeing with her for once. "I don't think a Lilli has ever hurt a Brob. Not without weaponry."
"Was there ever a Brob you've wanted to hurt? Like, if you could?" She asks me sheepishly. "B-Besides me, I guess..."
To be honest, I wouldn't want to hurt even her, but I don't share that. "The guy who killed my family and destroyed my home. Yeah, I'd like to punch him in the face. Least of what he actually deserves..."
"Feelings like that are common between our races. Only difference is we can act on them much more easily. Sometimes too easily." The giantess lowers her gaze, unable to meet mine. "You might be right about me. Maybe I haven't changed as much as I think." Her gaze then comes right back. "But what you don't know is that I'm one stubborn bitch. I won't relent once I've got my mind set on something."
There is a long pause after she says that. We both remain quiet, each waiting for the other to say something. After a time, it becomes like a game of chicken. With each passing second, things become more and more uncomfortable. I both want to speak and don't at the same time.
"I wish today could have been the first time we met." She thinks aloud. "Blank slates, and all."
"A little late for that."
"Do you think that there's any chance you and I could get along?"
"I don't know." I tell her, honestly. "I suppose that depends on you. I don't think I will ever be able to disassociate that memory with you." I feel my negative feelings dissipating, apart from some mild irritation aimed at myself. I'm irritated that I'm so bad at being upset; at how quickly I am willing to change my mind. "...but maybe it can be painted over by a better one?"
Her eyes light up at the prospect of me giving her a chance. "You would grant me that?"
"Magna Gratia is a city founded on the idea of second chances. I guess what I'm saying is prove it to me. Prove to me that you have changed."
A soft smile begins to form on her lips. Her lip quivers, and she blinks slowly. It's as if a heavy weight has been lifted from her.
"I don't think any words will prove it, nor any one action, but I have an idea of where we can start. Would you be willing to do a trust exercise with me?"
The suggestion gets a chuckle out of me. The first genuine one all day. I'm surprised that I can do that, given the air in the room. I think a joke might help to ease the tension. "What do you have in mind? Do you plan to catch me as I'm falling?"
This earns a chuckle from her as well before she explains her idea further. She begins to raise her hand from her lap until it's level with her shoulder. "I thought we better keep things nice and simple. It's a trust exercise, but I don't want to risk any accidents. Plus, Jeannine would kill me if she found out I ever put you in actual danger."
I can't tell whether she is concerned for my safety or her own, after hearing that. The growing smirk on her face does not help me understand either. Her serious expression from earlier returns, accompanied by a more subdued smile.
"Basically, I'm inviting you to step out onto my hand. I will make sure to keep it as still as possible. How does that sound?"
I consider her offer. I've never done this with Jeannine, let alone another Brob. The closest I got was when Jeannine carried me on her fingernail. It was so dangerous that she never did it again after that. Would I trust her if she invited me to do this? Probably. But do I trust her friend? I'm not sure. Something about this intrigues me.
"Okay." I whisper. A feeling of dread washes over me, even as I speak. "I'm trusting you."
I move to the hatch and let myself out, planting my shoes down on soft, uneven land. The ridges of her skin vary in size. I have to watch my step, or else I could fall into the larger ones. Her palm is vast, stretching out far and wide. The air is warm, smelling of both sweat and whatever soap she used last. Neither of which is overpowering. High above, hovers the face of an astounded, and clearly touched, giantess. As promised, she keeps her hand as still as possible for my sake, knowing how impactful even her gentlest movements are.
The feeling of dread does not subside. In fact, it only grows. As I walk around, her fingers twitch slightly. I'm oddly aware of them. Each subtle movement sends a quake through the 'ground', but I manage to remain on two feet. It's natural, not really anything I can fault her for. Despite this, I break out into a cold sweat. I am scared. No, terrified. I can't explain it. It's panic, but I don't know why. There is no immediate threat, no danger, and yet I feel as if my life is about to end.
Ten feet. That is as far as I make it before my body wins out over my mind. "I-I can't do this!"
I turn and sprint back into the cabin, slamming the hatch behind me. I mute my mic and fall down against the wall, hugging my knees against my chest. I'm trembling uncontrollably. I have no idea what just came over me, but I want it to stop! I close my eyes and wait it out.
"Nick? Nick, are you alright?" I finally hear her say. It's like my ears turned off. I wasn't aware of it until now. I unmute and respond.
"It's too soon. This is all happening too fast for me." I tell her, feeling ashamed as I do so. "I don't know-"
"It's okay." She reassures me, keeping the cabin steady as she rises to stand. "I get it. It's my bad for rushing this. It was insensitive."
"No, it's... I mean..." I try, but fail to find the words.
"Seriously, don't worry about it. You were really brave to agree in the first place. That...meant a lot to me." The giantess then walks over to the bedroom, opening the door to enter. "I figure you could use some space? Let's get you back home and we can reconvene in the morning."
By the time I calm down, I am already back in the city, in the cabin's pickup zone. I look out through the glass, only to find that she is gone and that the lights in the bedroom have been switched off. I promptly gather my things and disembark, relieved to be home again.
"What just happened...?" I groan, knowing, but not wanting to admit it. A panic attack is what happened. I never get those! I mean, I haven't in ages. That was so unlike me. "I need to be alone. I need to...process this." I think aloud as I walk home. As upset as I am about all of that, there is something else that worries me more.
That it's only been one day...
Comments
Jake Barry
Thanks!
Jake Barry
We march forward!
G
Omg that was so good Sara is really growing on me I love this so much and I hope she interacts with the others please π and seeing my boy no the GOAT trying to be friends with Sara warms my heart. Then we he had that moment of fear I god he might need therapy but I donβt know who would be good for that situation. 10/10 chapter dude a straight banger
Haroon
Step after step! nice chapter!
