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Mind Drop #11 (2/16/2021) I rambled lole and information sprinkled in
🕑 Added 2021-02-16 10:21:13 +0000 UTC
Long post! And not on Wednesday!
Game related stuff:
- As the days go by and with me making changes and the shortened length of this month there will likely only be one release this month. But, that release will be the size of two updates (400 renders) near the end of the month.
- Character sheets should be finalized and posted this weekend. (Or early next week if I want to tweak things.) (Includes a short summary of each character, age, birthday, and measurements for the girls)
Dev related stuff:
- Thankfully way fewer crashes this week. I like to think I'm a pretty chill person but the constant crashes that I had last week truly frustrated me. There were days where 3-4 hours were spent just loading after crashes.
- I mentioned in these past few posts about potentially having a model change for Lauren. After some tweaking I've decided it's not necessary and she only needs some TLC. Images in discord soon.
Personal related stuff:
- There's honestly a ton, but it's super hard to talk about in this sort of post. There's so much happening and it's all great. I'll go into it all and talk about it when I'm able to. (hopefully soon) 😊
MIND DROP:
Okay, so it's called mind drop so I think this is a good time to introduce this. The idea for these weekly posts is for them to be able to discuss anything and everything. Teasers, update news, personal news, polls, announcements, and most importantly a place for me to ramble about random thoughts I have.
This section isn't well thought out or well structured. It's really just me starting with a topic and rambling. I'll also be entirely brutally honest so this is a good look into how I operate.
So, I'm a rather introspective person. I enjoy thinking about why I feel certain ways and how certain things happen and it extends to other people. I enjoy thinking about why people make the decisions that they make and things like that. Honestly, while I can be annoying at times this is one of the things I like most about myself. I'm someone who can have a 3 hour conversation about almost anything.
And that's basically what this section of these posts are about. (They'll only be a thing when I feel like adding them.)
So the topic of my ramblings today will be about some of the unspoken things about my hiatus in 2020 and things that have changed since then. (For context: https://www.patreon.com/posts/necessary-post-43240275)
Why this topic? I think I'm far enough removed from this now to discuss some things and it gives the perfect background to talk about some other things.
To start things off I'll give a little reminder that my mental at this time was pretty fucked. I don't remember the exact timeframe but I think it was mid-July. Things were pretty much at their lowest at this point, I just decided a batch of 200 renders needed to be remade for the 5th time and the pressures of everything was really starting to pile up.
At this point I really started to crumble. The best way I can explain it is that I never had a singular thought, I always had two thoughts at the same time that I jumped in-between. There was no organization to my thoughts and it felt like I had little to no control. Depersonalization became a real issue, a real weird issue. That mixed with imposter syndrome led to a lot of weird emotions.
WVM Day 1 first came out late August 2019 and by all means was an instant success and it grew really fast. And I can honestly say that at this point in mid-July there was not a single day in that almost year where I felt I deserved the success. Hence where the imposter syndrome came from.
And that may sound harsh but WVM was never made for success. I was broke as fuck my entire life and was born into a broke as fuck family where everyone was broke as fuck. I honestly do not care about money. I was happy when I made $250 a week as long as I was able to provide for myself and whoever I needed to provide for. And if WVM ever falls back down to that point then I'll still be here chugging along. The goal for WVM was to make enough a month to pay for internet and the assets I wanted and some pc upgrades. That was all. So I felt guilty about the success, WVM is in no way a technically good game. There's no music / sound, most of the content is opt-in / opt-out, it has a messy timeline, characters change at random, there's not much to offer if you don't want a Gary Stu MC. And at this point in time I was a target of some of the devs of "technically good" games. There was a lot of shit talking behind the scenes from devs that felt they deserved the success more than I did. And in many ways I agreed with them at the time. I tried my best to be a part of the community of devs. Part of this included my first round of dev shoutouts in Day 6. But today I interact with very, very few devs.
Anyway, that was a long winded way to lead into that for the first and only time I considered starting over. And before that leads into people thinking I almost quit making WVM... no, what I mean by starting over is that I almost deleted this patreon account. I wanted a fresh start. WVM would've continued on as it has but under a different "dev". (Me but a different name)
Crazy right? Pointless even. But that's a true thing I considered, and yes it was stupid. For some reason I justified to myself that if I did this it would solve some of the imposter problems I was facing.
But hey, that's what I like about thinking about these things. I can laugh at old me. 😁 (Also just since it should be clarified and I like saying it. WVM is the only game I care about making. Never worry about it being abandoned or having it compete for development time with another game. I will not work on or make anything else until WVM is done. And that's many years away.)
So why share this now? I dunno, I felt like it. It's funny.
One of the positive things to come out of everything last year is that I have way thicker skin now.
WVM was my first time sharing something that I made. I was absolutely unaccustomed to receiving criticism. I had jobs before where I might be told to change how I do something but I usually only got praised at my jobs. I've also always been extremely hard working with a good work ethic. But none of that matters when someone is judging something you made from a creative perspective. Shit was completely foreign to me and I tried to handle it well. I absolutely didn't shy away from criticism, I looked for it. I had long conversations with some critics.
And criticism was really good at first. I knew I had a shit ton to learn and I embraced it. But as WVM grew there were so many more voices and ideas. And almost all of the ideas contradicted each other. And instead of feeling like I was learning and evolving it started to feel like the opposite.
But nowadays I have people I trust to tell me if something is wack and while community feedback can be a mixed bag, you guys also let me know when something is too far. I don't feel personally offended by criticism and I realize how absolutely silly some of it is and how silly it was that I let it effect me personally in the past.
One thing I didn't think much about is how much of an effect I can have on someone... whether it be positive or negative, simply by making WVM.
on one side of the coin I have received death threats and on the other side I've received messages from people talking about how much WVM helped them through a bad time or even how my portrayal of trans characters have made some people change their ways and be more accepting... even to go as far as saying they've reconnected with family members / friends that they unassociated themselves with because of their identity.
So idk, at a certain point I had to wake up and realize I make WVM for the side of the coin that enjoys it and finds substance in it and not for those that would like harm to come my way. 😁
Okay, I have to wrap this up at some point or I'll go on forever. So let me put some closers on this.
I think I'm done with my imposter syndrome. Somewhere along the way I realized that "technically good" doesn't fucking matter. I know what WVM is and isn't.
It's a fun time with enjoyable characters. It's not groundbreaking, it's not the best thing to exist, it's definitely flawed.
And that's okay. WVM was created because I had so much fun when I first found Daz and it turned into a hobby that I sunk all of my free time into after work. It was never meant to be any of the things it isn't.
And I deserve the success I've found. Which sounds very cocky to say but there isn't a better way to say it. I spend the money I make in a responsible way that benefits the game and I'm always open and honest about how much I make and where I spend it so you guys can have all the info you need to decide if you want to support me.
Why I feel that way is that I never did anything shady or fucked up. I posted day 1 on reddit and one other site and that was the only time I ever pushed or marketed WVM.
I've never asked for any support, I've never asked for shoutouts, I've never asked for anything. Anything that was given or other marketing things were done by others that believed in me.
What I'm saying is that I didn't choose to be successful. I worked my ass off making something that I enjoyed and people fucked with it and I'm eternally grateful for it but that's all there is to it. I shouldn't feel guilty about it.
And to all of the devs that do think of me negatively for whatever reason, I don't know of you all but from the ones I do... you're all very talented and I hope you find the success you guys deserve. And that's that.
WVM is a game I selfishly make for myself. It's entirely compromised of things I enjoy and doesn't have anything I don't like and it will always be like that because that's where I'm best and that's where I have the most fun and that's exactly the reason WVM was made.
I made the game I wanted to play. It's not made for anyone else but I'm so fucking lucky and happy that people enjoy it.
This will likely be put somewhere more official instead of in the middle of a rambling post but let's talk about some of the content that will / won't be in WVM.
Will be: Pregnancies (mostly optional outside of a few girls), Girl-girl action (optional), more trans girls (Optional, but they may already exist 😎), large group sex (somewhat optional. Shauna+Jamie are the only forced girls so technically it could be just them), and a lot of other things but for some reason I'm blanking, mostly normal fetish stuff... nothing heavy. Oh, please don't tell patreon because of the obscene amount of lewdness but there will be handholding... and lots of it.
Won't be: NTR, rape, any form of abuse, any form of nonconsensual sex, no going deep into fetishes, there won't be any scenes with other men at all, basically mostly only vanilla stuff will happen and that's because that's all I fuck with.
A very important thing to remember in WVM is that every girl is a virgin, even the moms. And the MC is the only male that will ever bang them.
It's a lovey dovey game where the MC helps the girls and they help him. And everyone smiles, hugs, and kisses.
Oh boy this really got away from me. My previous rants usually would end when my hands started to hurt but now that I know how to type properly I can go all day. I've created a monster. At least it's a positive rant instead of one of my old negative ones. 😁
So, to put it together. I'm a very different person than I was in mid-July. I'm way more confident and happy. I don't feel like a fuck up for every mistake because mistakes happen and they're just part of the journey. I know you guys fuck with me and what I do and you guys are super understanding of things. And I fucking love you for it and I hope you guys know that. I'd be in such a worse place without you guys.
The new work flow has helped a ton with my mental and everything but my new mindset has helped even more so I feel. And I can credit it all to my fiancee, grandpa, and all of you.
Oh and another clarification is that my comment about shoutouts in day 6 had nothing to do with those devs being one of the ones shit talking me or anything like that. It got away from me but I was going to mention that I haven't talked to a single one of those devs in half a year... but that's no fault on their part. It was just more of a comment about how I've sort of isolated myself after some of the bullshit.
But my most recent shoutout of Killer7 and Eris Discordia were just from me wanting to shout my homies out. They've both always been awesome and super friendly with me and I fucking love 'em and they make good games. There are some others I plan to shoutout soon so be on the lookout for that and please show them all love.
Rant over 😊
If you have any questions about anything please ask!
Sorry for the wall of text! If patreon would let me hide it behind a tag or something I would but sadly that's not a thing! Thank you to anyone who read through it though, and thank you all for being around for these posts. 😊 Love you guys <3
(Also, one more clarification. The poll from last week was just for fun for some of my theory boys. It in no way implies you shouldn't trust one of the characters.)
POLL: At this current point in the story which of these characters do you trust the MOST?
Comments
I just wanted to say that your game helped me at a time where I have some personal issue. playing a main character which is kind and always tries to help others feels like therapy. thank you very much for making this game!
William Williams
I just want to say you have a pretty good story going. I have never been moved to support a Patreon before this, so keep telling the story you want to tell and trust your readers/players to keep reading.
Boa45
Throw Axel in there too
Zyrus
'Perfect' is incredibly subjective. There are people who like know-it-alls. Sounds to me like you just have had bad luck. Good therapy is about learning about yourself, not being forced to conform to social standards.
Harps
Azel, oh Azel. How we wish to frolic in your garden of basil.
dpas9993
Brain, thanks for the very personal post, I'm really happy you're in a better place now. I first encountered your game when Killer shouted out about it, and I've always enjoyed it. I look at it the same way as if I was reading a book. I may be uneasy about something, but I don't see it as the author's fault, it's an opportunity for self-examination on my part, like, why does this bother me. I'll be happy with whatever you decide to do in the future.
Cjewels
So jw if you are doing pregnancy routes is the game going to stretch till at least draft day? or maybe end of first yr nba or something? the longer the better obviously:) especially if their is no big time skips
Maknzy
I had to choose Jamie as she is committed to the MC. But Shauna and Azel are right there as well. All 3 of them are 100% committed to each other and the MC, no question about it. I also agree with Dreamlab Studios about where you spend your money. It is none of my business. I will expand more later, I have a war to go win right now. Edit: I support you as the creator, I have no say, and no right to say, where you spend the donation I give you. As for content of the kinks and fetishes, again, I have no say. I am not the creator, you are. The creator of Mid-Life Crisis has a little in-game rant that the MC speaks about such things. I laughed so hard when I saw that. But it is true, what someone else likes does not have to be what I like, and vise-versa. We are all different, and we as the viewers of your content should have no say, or little at best, of what content you bring into your game. If you are to bring in some more of what I consider more extreme content, I would like some way to opt out of the visualizations, or the content all together. But that is my view, and not the only view.
Milky Muffin
I’ve played a lot of games similar to this one and this is easily my favorite and you deserve all of the success you get I can’t support you currently but if I could I know I would
DSpeed 99
I agree with your views on the money issues, and will continue to support BD as long as I can...also completely agree with your last sentence...a lot of cheerful fucking in it...everyone is fucking for fun with a few pro-creation intentions, ha. No one seems to be oppressed/sad/mistreated nor overly jealous. Talk about fantasy...right?
Bob69
Maybe reduce the amount to 300 renders this update so you can get on track for march and post it earlier? So you could fix your schedule.
Dreamlab Studio
I've been involved with various creative arts all my life: drawing, painting, music, photography... I've experienced the 'imposter syndrome' before and I think it's natural for any artist who cares about the quality of what they create. It's rare for an artist to be fully satisfied with their work but there's a point where you have to stop working on it and move on to other stuff. I don't think this is a bad feeling but it's one you should learn to work with. It shows you care about the quality of what you create and that's a good thing. I find the idea of Devs talking shit about other Devs really sad. There are many types of games/VNs out there that can range from full game systems with inventory, relationships, and time management all the way down to a simple straight VN that just tells a story without any complex game mechanics. I don't see one as being better or worse than the other, just different. No matter what style of Game/VN a dev creates I think their most important thing is to make their project something that really appeals to people so they want to play it. If the devs who make these more "technically good" games aren't as successful as you are then perhaps they should stop being such jealous little bitches talking shit online and spend more time improving their project. Sorry for the long message but I wanted to comment about you saying "I spend the money I make in a responsible way that benefits the game...." Maybe it's just me but you should spend the money you make any way you want to, it's your money. I think it's great to see you put money into better/faster computers to improve rendering and working in DAZ because that should help you provide better/faster updates which in turn should help you make more money. I don't think patrons should have a say in what the money gets used for. From the work I've seen you do I give you money to help continue making it. Sure the computer upgrades were expensive but I'm sure it's nowhere near as much money as it costs to do this work 24/7 and not as a side project a few hours a week. I'm just saying that from my point of view, I don't feel you own us any information about what the money gets spent on. You keep putting out updates and that's why I've been a patron. Finally I loved that you said: "It's a lovey dovey game where the MC helps the girls and they help him. And everyone smiles, hugs, and kisses." This is what I noticed and loved about it the first time I played it. It's a feel good happy story which has a lot cheerful fucking in it. :D
DemnorTheSwede
I had a hard time choosing between Jamie and Shauna, but finally decided that Jaime is the #1 girl. And I have to concur with Dipper Pines as too choosing success. You chose to work hard every bit of success is earned.
Steele76
You should have a choice for Jamie & Shauna. This duo is to be trusted. :P
Dipper Pines
You said in your post you didn't choose to be successful, you just worked hard and it came. I think you're mistaken in that thought. By choosing to work hard at something you love doing, you absolutely chose to be successful. And I for one, am very glad you did. Easily my favorite VN I have played. Thanks for all your hard work!
M2
I can honestly say WVM is one of my favourite games Chief. ^^ No matter the reason you started it, we still love it. =)
Fola Mactier
well dammmmmm its hard to pick who i trust more, but i did pick shauna over azel. becuse yes azel raised him but i do think she has a deep secriet shes not telling. shauna on the other hand is his best friend even houg she does hid little things from him its more of an insucerity with her self.
TBGamingStudios
TBH, it is not really fair to pit them both against each other when Shauna and Jamie are really a team. Shauna has been around him the longest minus Cassie. She would literally die for the MC. Jamie has only been around for several months in the grand scheme of things, but she has helped push the MC to open things up and help others. In a way, she is more selfless than the MC and can be viewed as the driving force behind the MC trying to help all the girls at once instead of focus on one or two. She can be viewed as the main supporter/Den mother of the harem. She would also literally die for the MC. Long story short, Jamie and Shauna has been so supportive and generally work as a team.
DSpeed 99
I think it's cuz Shauna has been with him since childhood, just not so much as a GF, that is recent thanks to Jamie so graciously willing to share MC.
robert Vince Jr
First of all Glad you made it through the rough patch. Next as a writer myself I enjoy your storylines and twists so far but as a piece of advice don't become overzealous about giving all your fans everything they want at once. Drama and intrigue get people to continue to come back for more. This is the first game I've played that has me racked in emotions, you've made me laugh, cry, angry (at some characters) and horny (lol). Keep up the great work and I look forward to this journey with you.
michael1984
Pretty funny how people vote for Shauna to be more trusting then his first gf Jamie lol gues shauna is just more popular
Phillip Gosson
I have to admit that I first saw this game and thinking Ahh it's only smut Then I played it and oh my god Now it's like a heroin addict I can't get enough and I want more no I need more now I have to have it, But now I can't wait for the next update I check my email, Patreon Just to make sure I didn't miss any updates. (Glad I did not miss any of them) I guess what I'm saying is that this is really a good game and i'm glad you decided to share this with us. Just wanted to say Thank you.
UncleLoco
First off thank you for everything. I am one of those people that this game helped with when I was having a hard time. I was falling into a deep depression and finally took a chance on your game. I instantly got hook with the story and the girls. Once I found Stacy there was no way you could lose me as a fan. I also made a great friend hell probably my best friend now, because of your game. Started out terrified of him, but we started to interact on a thread, then pms and now we chat more than I talk with family. I owe this to you because you inspired me to finally break out of my shell and talk about something I am passionate about (WVM). You also inspired me to write again and if I can ever afford a PC that writing will be turned in a VN. Thank you for everything.
Eris Discordia
Keep up the good work, BD! You deserve all the hugs and awesomeness :)
Daniel M
As someone that found WVM late last year I missed what you went through but I'm glad you made it through it. WVM is one of the few games I give money to each month. I like the light hearted nature of the game and that the MC tries to help every women in his life. Real life is full of enough bs and problems. Its a nice escape from it. The game is fine as it is and anyone talking bad about it is just jealous. My main fetish is impreg/preg, so glad to see there is lots more planned for it. Although I actually already knew that since I pm you begging you for more preg in the past. :)
SantaTheHutt
People give you shit about the MC being a Gary Stu because it is narratively unsatisfying to have a main character who is basically perfect, can do anything, and never makes mistakes (see almost every haremlit novel or Star Wars 7-9). The mechanics of a game, however, can change everything. WVM allows the player to *become* the MC, to become the one who is basically perfect, something I don't get to experience anything close to in my regular life. I'm basically the opposite of WVM's MC in many respects: I'm selfish, controlling, obstinate, inattentive, and an insufferable know-it-all (among other things that it has taken decades of therapy and introspection to get me to admit about myself), and these are in large part responsible for the string of failed relationships that characterized my early adulthood. I'm way to old and stuck in my ways to change now, but there's something about the _fantasy_ of being the perfect guy that makes WVM such an awesome game for me. I'd rather play a porn game like this than a "technically" complex porn game that has a flawed MC who makes mistakes. IMO, porn should be about exploring and satisfying fantasies, not challenging gameplay.
JP
I decided to restart from the beginning after the last update and had no real big problems. I did notice in regards to the crashes. That saving on a still text based picture was no problem, but if you hit the menu button, right mouse button/save button during the animation, the game would crash. From what I saw an out of memory crash. Not sure how, since I got a beefy computer with 42gb of memory and 6gb virtual memory. Despite that, as long as I saved outside of the animation, I had no problems. I personally love your game btw. It’s like reading a book, you’re telling us a story filled with emotions. The sex elements are great, but how you build the relations between the individuals is amazing. Just don’t forget that being in a poly or harem isn’t just about surrounding yourself with girls, it’s about building those relationships and maintaining them, balance between all of them. If you focus to much on certain ones, then in real life it would only be a matter of time, before jealousy rears its head. That love needs to be equal and equal attention, even if you had your main powerhouse girls/pillars. None the less, a great game and I am looking forward to seeing more in the future. Don’t let negativity or depression take you down, you’re a great story teller and if others are envious or jealous of your success, then that is there problem, not yours. You deserve all that you get.
Ray Provencher (Razor McBlade)
Just want to say that you're amazing. This past year has been a better one for me thanks to WVM. So in fact, my year has been better because of you. Through all the ups and downs, I was so glad I started playing WVM and joining the Discord. And as Killer7 would say, stay awesome Braindrop. Lastly, always excited for upcoming updates. Even more so for the future of WVM.
SantaTheHutt
Yeah, that's a new one I haven't seen before.
Richard salas
I just want to say amazing game I absolutely love this game I look forward to it I suffer through depression and some other mental health issues that I get seen for.Your games make me smile they make me happy when I just don’t feel like I’m happy or I don’t belong.So keep up the good work I love this game.One thing that worries me is that I’ll see a betrayal by someone close to you in the game so I hope they never happens.But really enjoy this game and the possibilities of pregnancy.You know I think some but not all guys are interested in heavy romance or pregnancy stuff and get excited by it but I do it’s so exciting for me.I just wanted to tell you though even if you get hate at times buy some people you got me who appreciates this so much.I wish I was smart enough to create my own experience for people I would love to create a game like yours and give to people for free.All I have is time I’m afraid of people so I don’t leave my room I’ll leave when I need to but I have lots of time on my hands.But again creating these games it’s to complicated for me.By the way killer7 he has an amazing game I’m pledged to killer7 as well and I love his games also.But the other person I’ve never heard of but I’ll check them out for sure.Again one last time thank you for the wonderful experience this game makes me feel human as weird as that sounds because it gives me so much emotions that I thought I didn’t have anymore so thank you.
Hordragg
Truly a most interesting read. Seeing as that's the way you plan to rant from now on... Rant on, and keep the good vibes flowing.
NeimadFR
In hindsight, it's funny to think that at some point you thought the solution to imposter syndrome was to become a litteral imposter. 😂
