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How I’ve (Been) Changed Through Brainwashing by sleepingirl
🕑 Added 2020-06-05 19:29:37 +0000 UTCHow I’ve (Been) Changed Through Brainwashing by sleepingirl
As a content warning and as perspective, my relationship with MrDream fetishizes fantasies of abuse, victimization, and control. We play with a sort of nebulous blanket consent and our relationship is based on consensual nonconsent. Keep that in mind with this piece.
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Well, I guess we’re doing this.
When I wrote “The Brainwashing Book,” I had to make a lot of choices. One of them was, “What perspective do I write this from, and how personal should this be?” Early rough chapter drafts used a lot of my personal experience and named it as such; I talked about what I do with my partners in first person. The finished product still contains a lot of examples of things I’ve done in my life as both subject and hypnotist, but I ultimately decided to go from a more broad lens, and so the personal touch and context to the stories and examples isn’t there.
I want to be clear: “The Brainwashing Book” is a sum-total of my experience up to publishing, with many different partners and people and in many different contexts. This writing is focused on a singular dynamic -- myself as a subject with MrDream. Naturally, this is one, narrow perspective, and not representative of everything I’ve done either as subject or hypnotist, or how others might find themselves on their own brainwashing journeys. It’s meant to be a snapshot into my life, a bit over 2 years into our dating.
...Obviously, this is an extremely exciting exercise for me. Obviously, I can’t do this from an objective place. Obviously, this very act of writing is both a product of my brainwashing and is influencing it. That’s about all I can say about that.
So, this is a writing about how I’ve changed and been changed in an intense, real, brainwashing relationship.
Change versus Growth versus Learning
How do I even begin this? I suppose to discuss change, there needs to be a context of before and after. But the reality is that we’re changing all the time as humans as a product of our environments and relationships. To a large degree, it’s difficult to draw lines between brainwashing change, growth as a person, and learning. My stance has always been that these things are inevitably entwined.
For example, I learn very much for one role by experiencing the other. I started my kink journey ten years ago as bottom-heavy, and a lot of my knowledge comes from experiencing things done to me and synthesizing that into how I could achieve that as a top. In hypnosis, this is especially true, and most especially with MrDream.
I have always seen him as a mentor of sorts, not in any structured way, but I knew enough about hypnosis going into our relationship that I was very lucky to be engaged with someone so skilled and knowledgeable. When I go into trance with anyone, I’m learning, and usually actively so. I catch turns of phrase and I catch interesting reframes and techniques. With MrDream, I have had a field day with this, and the idea of “modeling” him à la Bandler/NLP became important to me. We spend long hours talking shop, when we can. Before we were dating, I would sometimes take ideas that he used with me and try them out. Later, I found myself sometimes hearing him in my voice when I tranced others. (I had someone mention once that I sounded like a combination of him and LeeAllure, which I very happily accepted as a compliment.)
This is just one example of an intense change in my life over the last two years. I can’t express the many different ways I’ve learned new things and grown as a person: my capacity for love and intense feelings, the way I experience play, the way I teach and talk, how comfortable I feel taking public transit, my affection for certain towns and cities.
Are these things part of “brainwashing?” Some might say no, but I say yes. Brainwashing, to me, is the product of the entirety of a relationship. There are planned goals and then there are simply things that we pick up by being with each other -- his existence as himself has changed me and influenced me. I think about these things and they carry similar weight to anything else; they are irrevocably tied to him in deep association. Intention matters, but so does opportunism and utilization -- he can take nearly any aspect of my life and any result of our partnership and say, “That was me.” And he’s right. (Is that brainwashing? Maybe. Yes.)
“Learning language” has been important to me for a long time in how I approach hypnosis and brainwashing. Conditioned behavior is learned; knowledge is learned, and those things are connected. Hypnosis can be looked at from a learning lens to make a very effective model. On a macro scale, we are simply collections of shifting thoughts, behavior, memories, experiences, constantly being changed by how we interact with the world and how the world interacts with us.
Cycles of change
It’s important for me to talk about one of my most constant experiences: that of shifting. All of the changes I’m going to talk about are things that evolve over time. By that I mean that they wax and wane in intensity, linearly, but also have the quality of being nonlinear; the experience of them changes in many dimensions, day to day, moment to moment.
It takes some framing to understand that this kind of shifting is not a lessening of brainwashing. It is just how brainwashing is. Brainwashing is a process and a state. In fact, seeing myself as “brainwashed” all the time is one of these changes and one of the ways that my cognitive experience has evolved.
I am a cyclical person by nature; I go through phases of fixations and interests, and it has taken me a long time to come to terms with these patterns and not stress out when things change. But humans are flexible, and every behavioral pattern we have changes based on many different variables. On some level, brainwashing has helped this learning; having one particular area of my life that I’m always drawn to analyze and watch with curiosity has given me a different eye into my natural shifts.
All of this being said, the following sections will describe a limited scope of some gradual, quick, intense, and subtle changes that have happened to me over the last couple of years with MrDream. Readers of my writings may notice some of these patterns in my writeups of our dates over time. Although it is a simplification, I have tried to organize these changes into three categories: cognitive, trance-related, and sexual changes.
Cognitive changes
These are changes that have to do with the way I think and process. They are things that I have noticed that affect my day-to-day life, or moments here and there. Largely, as well, they are centered on my relationship.
Not Remembering “Before”
It seems fair to start off by talking about something that’s been reinforced more recently, maybe the last year or so, of how I can’t remember what everything felt like before we did all of this. It’s made this writing difficult -- I have snippets of memories of our interactions before we were dating and from early dates, but I just can’t recall exactly what it felt like to not be brainwashed. I especially can’t remember how I saw him before this. I remember us heating up. I remember the years of flirting. I remember one exact moment that something shifted: at NEEHU, and he asked me before hypnotizing me, “You don’t tend to, like, fall over or anything, do you?” and I said, “No, I’m really good at standing up.” A few moments later, he tranced me, and my knees buckled not from any suggestion of his, just that it was too fast for me to have control over it. I remember that viscerally changing the way I looked at him. Instantly he became someone who had immense power over me.
But before that? Our early play partnership? I always thought he was attractive to me, I think. But we also both dragged our feet a lot. The first time I wanted to play with him (seeing him do intelligence play, something I deeply wanted all my life but hadn’t explored yet), he declined. It took us a year to finally do something. And then we’d go a year or so again, both of us expressing interest but not finding time. He didn’t have blanket drive-by consent/interest with me like other play partners of mine until much later. I can’t remember what that felt like. I remember even being a little confused by that at some point. I can’t remember before that, if I ever wanted that limited.
Even before we were dating, we’d do little trance phone calls here and there, and I remember feeling like he was getting attached and how I felt nervous about that. It took me a year to agree to an actual alone date. (What convinced me was another landmark moment -- our first scene in “private” where we finally, finally did intelligence play, blindingly hot, and I left the room feeling like my life had changed…) Even on the first date, even early dates I was terrified of commitment and labels. But those feelings are so incredibly distant, obfuscated by a haze. My memory feels faulty.
I especially can’t remember what trance felt like, before. Trance with him now is beyond any experience I’ve ever had in my entire life. My responses are near instant and I feel like I am not in control of myself. I go into trance simply by talking to him or looking at him. I know there was a time when he was not as intensely hypnotic to me, but I have no idea what that felt like anymore. The memories exist, but I feel like it was a different person in them, not me.
We have done scenes where I am brought to an “unbrainwashed” place. Those who are familiar with my perspective on brainwashing will remember my opinion on how this is always a false exercise; there is no way to accurately create a “real” representation of that sort of thing. It is how my brain interprets the memories now. These moments are incredibly sadistic; it is hard to go back and feel the lack of control. The one that I recall most vividly ended in me upset and asking to be put back.
Addiction/Withdrawal Patterns
Addiction was an early interest for both of us -- it fits our desires for risky and dark, themes that we were excited to share passion for. Such a hot trope, and such a dangerous one, too, like how choking is a common kinky desire but so legitimately full of high risk with no real way to do it “safely.” I don’t remember exactly when he first started talking about it, but it was early into our dating, and has been an extremely heavy theme.
We… play risky. I honestly can’t remember if we ever tried to play “safely” with addiction, if he ever discouraged dependency. I’m sure he said something along the lines of me being very experienced and being able to take care of myself at some point in the beginning. But… Well, that’s changed. The more we’ve gotten into all of this, the harder we’ve gone.
I am truly addicted to him. Talking or texting with him gives me a high. Trancing with him is an unbelievable drug. He can turn my entire mood around by simply giving me attention. He can make me feel incredibly good so easily. There’s a lot of power in that -- even if I’m not feeling well physically, if we play, I literally don’t feel pain or discomfort.
But there is a lot of darkness to it. And over time, we’ve dove further into that aspect of it. So many of my patterns of behavior are about getting attention from him and making him happy. I try to make myself as appealing as possible. It changes the way I dress, act, talk. I feel often like I’m in too deep and can’t control it, and he’s reinforced that. I need him and am desperate for him, and there are no “safeties” in place for that beyond this brainwashed idea that I have to be able to behave in my life -- which is just logical; if I can’t handle myself, I lose this. But it’s not effortless, especially since so much of what we do with this is about increasing my helplessness to these feelings. I’ve been slowly removed from my feeling of responsibility and control over the way that I respond, not only with him, but in my life. I truly feel helpless to it.
The withdrawal is real. If we go too long without getting time, I get antsy or uncomfortable or upset. It isn’t pleasant, and it makes me feel pathetic, like it is emotionally immature. But even that has been utilized and framed; on some level, if I’m feeling it, I know that it’s a product of how addicted I am. That doesn’t always “help” persay, negative feelings are negative feelings and sometimes that just drives me to feel worse, like worrying if I’m not handling it well enough. But we’re not shy about recognizing and even reinforcing that having something that makes me feel so incredibly good is going to sometimes make me feel bad when I can’t have it. We have had really dark moments with this -- I am emotionally masochistic and he is emotionally sadistic, and we both fetishize risk and “badness.” To some degree, the contrast of highs and lows is a way that he reinforces control over me, taking advantage of classic addiction patterns.
Obsessing
One common pattern of being addicted to something includes obsessing over it. It is one of the worst parts of addiction, because it feels like helpless behavior. I think about him constantly, and even that gives me a buzz. I think about how smart he is, how attractive he is, how much I want him. I get trapped in vivid fantasies. I used to struggle with this urge to bring him up in my conversations -- even just talking about him makes me feel good, and it’s taken some calibration on my part to be able to do it without getting too excited or doing it too often.
There are days where I will waste long periods of time just thinking about him. I think about his face and his eyes, I let myself go through fantasies of us together, things that I want him to do to me. One thought sticks to another. I have recordings of our Skype calls that I listen back to more often than I’d like to admit simply because I want to hear his voice and feel an echo of his trance again. It reinforces one of the emotional patterns -- indulge in the addiction, then feel guilty and concerned about it. Again, we play risky and dark; he encourages this and tells me that it IS “bad” behavior and that it’s proof that I don’t have control.
I have always had a tendency to be “clingy” in relationships, especially in the early stages, and I’m not a stranger to this sort of behavior. In my early relationships, it’s been unhealthy, although I’ve learned how to manage it and insecurity much better since I’ve gotten older. Still, I’ve always hated it in myself. Yes, he’s brought it back to life and made it worse, but it’s not as though it came from nowhere -- it’s just that he’s utilizing something that’s an existing pattern, encouraging it, and encouraging the concerns I’ve had with it, too.
Love/Labels
Like I mentioned, I have commitment issues. Well-explored and analyzed; my parents divorced in an incredibly messy way at a messy time in my life. That’s one of the reasons that it takes me a very long time to get into relationships and especially to put labels on them. We were play partners for something like 5 years before we ever went on a date -- something he pushed for actively. The year before he started dating, he set a goal of seeing me regularly outside of cons, going out of his way to call me and come up to visit; I found that made me anxious. Even when we started dating, I didn’t want to call it a “date.” I remember when we got to an AirBnB that first time and he talked to the owner and called me his “girlfriend” to her for simplicity and I chided him gently for it. We had long conversations about how I was uncomfortable with labels.
That… changed. That ALWAYS changes in my relationships, but this being my most recent one where I am emotionally intelligent enough to notice the nuance of progression and patterns… It was stressful. I watched as my defenses crumbled. In a sort of horror, I watched myself excitedly ask if I could say we were “dating” publicly. I watched as I became more comfortable with the word “girlfriend” and I watched as we took the motion of the discomfort and made it flow into taboo fetishization. It was one of the early “before and after” contrasts; every step was something I was acutely aware of how I was so incredibly swept away by the energy of our relationship that I felt powerless to stop it.
He fell in love before I did. I remember him telling me that he was ok with asymmetry in that. That is honestly one of the hottest things to look back on right now, because of how I eventually surrendered to it and now sit consumed by it. I wrestled with that word and concept. I didn’t understand how I’d know if I was in love. I felt immense things for him that grew every time we saw each other. I asked myself over and over, a common pattern I’ve noticed about changes in my life, always checking and trying to compare feelings, trying to see what my gut reaction is.
I started feeling it more when we had to leave each other -- I would watch him go, and feel pangs of something that I couldn’t ignore. But all in all, it was a year before I said the words. He was careful about it. He took them graciously. He told me that as much as he controls my emotions, as much as he loves toying with me and influencing me, he didn’t want me to doubt the reality of this. He’s said before that beyond all of the truly risky stuff we do, playing with love feels the most perilous. (That has not stopped us from dipping into it…)
Love, to me, was a side-effect of brainwashing. I still feel helpless to it. I watched that entire year as I slid into it very literally against my will. Everything we did influenced the way I felt about him, even if he never “directly” influenced this. How could I possibly not have fallen in love with this man, grown attached?
The way I love him continues to evolve, as well. I am aware of the potency of the words, “I love you,” and I am especially aware of how that changes over time. I desperately did not want those words to become reflexive, and they haven’t, but of course they don’t make me stop breathing every time the way they used to. And those are just the words, a simple behavior, not the whole of the experience. It speaks nothing about the way that I see him, the things I want to do for him, the way I am around him.
Trance changes
In this section I am going to talk about changes that have happened that have influenced the way that I experience hypnosis. All of these categories are connected, really, but if I had to say that one was weighted over the others in terms of sheer quantity, it’s this. The way I experience trance now feels almost unrecognizable from how it was before.
Waking trance
On our second date, I learned something incredible. I could be in trance for extraordinarily long periods of time while appearing awake at various levels of function. I had been doing hypnosis with partners for 6 or 7 years at that point and listening to files for much longer. One of my greatest desires has always been to be in trance for an entire day, going about my life. I’d tried before with other partners, but never could maintain it for very long without upkeep, reinforcement, attention. I concluded that it was impossible.
But very simply, gracefully, effortlessly, he taught me how to do it. It’s an example of an enormous, lasting change that happened from one instance, not slow conditioning over time. We talked, we shared wine, all the while I felt hypnosis tingling through my eyes and my body. And that taught me something else: I knew much, much less than I thought I did, despite my experience. It made me become more open to him and more open to discovering capabilities that I assumed I could not have.
Trapped in Trance
I have talked in my writings before about brainwashing changes that I have felt uncomfortable talking about publicly, for various reasons. I’d like to share one profound milestone change that happened when I stayed at his apartment for a few days.
I wrote in the public writing:
“Please,” I say, desperately.
“‘Please,’” he repeats. “What are you begging for?”
“I don’t know,” I say, thinly, frustrated. “Control. More. Please… I don’t know…”
“You want to be more controlled, but you don't know how to be more controlled,” he says, darkly, and I know this voice and tone, the problem solving, the focus, his favorite thing. The gears turning.
It spins us into a place where I lose more, give more, let him take, beg him to take.
And he does. He takes.
We make it to the bed and I am completely broken down to a shell of myself, nonverbal and totally raw, totally fucked up.
He solves the problem.
I am more controlled. Permanently.
Gasping, mouth an ‘O’, looking at him totally incredulously -- how could he do this, how could he make me feel this good, how could he take away so much?
“You can thank me,” he breathes with a grin, and it is totally malevolent; I am the damsel captured, I am the defeated prize.
“Thank you,” I whisper fervently, over and over and over.
What he did, actually, was permanently remove my ability to wake up from his trances on my own. What he said, actually, was, “You can thank me for taking away your agency.”
It was one of the hottest moments of my life and one of the best things I have ever done.
It is also something we are conscious of safety with; I can shift states automatically as needed, and am very capable of functioning normally in different trance states. I will also come out of trance if I need to drive a car.
This is a change that has been extremely persistent. From that moment, it has been impossible for me to wake myself up with him. That influences my dependency on him and the agency that I have -- we both are intentional and hot on limiting it in different ways. It is all about expanding control over me, and this was a powerful way to express that -- I rarely ever even “try” to wake up, but if I reach out, I can feel that expression of control and my inability.
Getting Worse at Processing
I used to think that the progression of me becoming “better” as a subject was contingent on how well I was able to recognize my own state, but as time has gone on and we’ve done more, I’ve started to lose some of that ability because of purposeful ambiguity. I’ll wonder about my state, look for signs and signals, be unsure, and then be left in limbo -- but that limbo then gets translated to “not awake.”
This kind of reduction is thematic. I used to pride myself on using my analytical nature to improve my trancing as a subject, and I used to really enjoy the aspect of intense learning while I was hypnotized. But more and more, there are times where I’ve also become less capable of being present and understanding what is happening to me while it is happening. Sometimes this takes the form of me being confused and giving up. Sometimes I simply can’t parse the words he is saying. Sometimes I try to look back on a trance and lose the ability to understand it.
It’s connected to this idea of my intelligence, an extremely hot button for both of us. Losing capabilities is framed as systematically reductive and very much his fault. I am a smart person. I know my shit, especially when it comes to this, and that’s very tied into my identity, both privately how I view myself and how others view me. So the way that he reinforces my inability to know things, whether that’s my state, what he’s doing, or even just feeling like I can’t key into ideas the same way I used to sometimes, is all about an expansion of his influence over the very core of who I am.
This leads to other things, too, like purposefully blurring the line between what “trance” and “awake” is. It is rare that I’m totally sure that I’m awake after he snaps me up. (Signalling but blurring the signal, although there are ways to make that more concrete.) It is also becoming more common that I am minding my own business in my life and I find myself wondering if I’m actually in trance. It’s not even that the feelings are so different, it’s that the definitions have been made obscure. I don’t know what certain things mean anymore. It makes me lose some of my responsibility over it and give up on trying to parse or question sometimes.
Deeper
I go deeper in trance now. Depth is a stupid metaphor and I could talk endlessly about what that could mean. Maybe it is an expanded capability of feeling physical and psychological shifts. Maybe there are specific patterns that get parsed as “depth” that he’s created definition and anchors for. Maybe something else that I can’t put my finger on.
I don’t remember if I’ve ever gone this deep before. I don’t think so. My very skill at being a subject has been inevitably tied to him at this point. Again, a core identity issue. It’s not just with him, either; when I’ve played with others since this, I go deeper, too. I have tried very hard not to say things in this writing like “Please understand the badness of this” but I want to say it here.
It is not even simply that it is a linear capability. It is a complete overhaul of the way I experience trance, a total extension and amplification of what I can do and feel. Simple things like eyes being open and nearly unseeing. Complex things like trance cognition.
I have had experiences with him where I feel like I am legitimately going away, closing in on total goneness or destruction of my ego and self. It is scary, but it is the most exciting thing in the world. It keys into the earliest fantasies I’ve ever had about hypnosis and mind control, that somehow there is an “end,” if you hypnotize someone hard enough there is a finality and permanency. It is a very strange sort of hope, a core desire that I had to let go of that now seems somehow attainable. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I don’t care.
Faster Responses/More Suggestible
One of the most core changes that allows us to achieve what I would consider more akin to mind control than hypnosis is the continued training of my responses to become incredibly fast. I talked about the time when I almost fell over. The moment I experienced that, we both realized that that feeling of too-fast response, action that is automatic to the point that I don’t have time to think about it or stop it, could be keyed into for us.
Shortly after that, he gave me one of our first and only “trigger” words -- “it.” He put his finger in my mouth and he said, “It sucks.” I felt it again, my body and brain responded before I could even recognize that it was happening. He can say “it” does anything, and that response just happens.
Quite bluntly, that is an enormous level of control and it deeply dulls my agency. I cannot stop these things. I have never tried but I feel fairly confident about that.
It is not just with this trigger. He’s put in a lot of work to make sure that all of my responses approach that level of quickness. I go into trance too fast. I have cognitive responses too fast. I wake up too fast (if the signal is clear). I experience emotional changes too fast. My personality changes too fast. He can simply make me happy if I am sad for some reason. He can and has regressed me instantly with a simple phrase. Not all responses are so instant all the time, but they all approach that quality.
“Suggestibility” is a poor concept, but this increases my responsiveness in a way that makes me feel like things just happen. Not only just happen, but that they are happening TO me, not because of anything I’m doing. Everything is constantly framed in this sense of me not having control over it, which allows my ability to experience things to expand immensely.
Maybe magic is real
Also, maybe magic is real. I am upset about this.
Sexual changes
This writing wouldn’t be complete without discussing some of the sexual conditioning that has happened. I rarely talk about the more overtly sexual aspects of our dates and experiences; I prefer to keep things a little more personal and focus on the eroticism of trance itself, as that’s the most hot thing, for me. But, there is real significance here, and one of the most recognizably real and intense changes that I haven’t talked about yet has happened in a sexual context.
So, This Happened
He told me, once, heated and dark as he humiliated me, that someday I would be smiling and begging to suck his cock.
I really, truly did not believe him.
You might be able to guess how this ends.
This is probably the single most concrete piece of “conditioning” there is with him and I -- a simple thing that was worked on constantly over a long period of time to create a very visible change.
It took 2 years. I am ace. I do not like penises. I have never liked penises. I have been in sexual relationships with men, had plenty of intercourse, sucked cock plenty of times. It’s complicated; I don’t love it, but I’ve done it to please my partners or as an expression of control. But if I don’t have to, I won’t do it. I think it is icky and uncomfortable.
We went into our relationship with no expectations of sexuality, and I was relieved and happy about that. Finally, I was in a partnership where I was free to explore all of the things that really turned me on without having to compromise my comfort. It was mutual, too -- for both of us, control was the most sexual thing, not anything physical.
But also… I remember us talking about it on the phone one day, early on, and I remember saying that my deepest fetish is control and being brainwashed and changed, and that being forced to fetishize things that I don’t like was on the table as one of the biggest expressions of that kind of control.
I gave consent in the way that we do it.
It took an extremely long time, and it wasn’t always comfortable. But he knew what to take advantage of. He knew that he was going to get me with this through my need for him to control me. He knew to go slow, never push. He always reminded me that he could make me do it so easily, turn me into a bimbo, turn my brain completely off, whatever, done. But he never did.
There were little milestones here and there, boundaries crossed. Looking. Touching. Watching him. It wasn’t every time we played. It was more rare. Sometimes it was subversive, and I didn’t want it, and he would skilfully manipulate me into having desire. But I remember the first time I actively wanted to touch him. It scared me, my own unprompted desire scared me so much; I felt foreign in my own body and brain, but I couldn’t help what I wanted.
He worked concurrently on giving me an oral fixation. He automated the act of sucking so that it happened mechanistically and my brain shut off when there was something in my mouth. I became addicted to sucking on his fingers. I remember one time he visited me where we weren’t able to play immediately and he purposefully withheld it while I had to suffer, anxious and uncomfortable. There have been times where I need something in my mouth to cum.
He reinforced things like telling him if I was thinking about his cock. I was still shy about that.
Once, towards the end, he turned me into a bimbo and in my dumb, hypersexual state, I told him I wanted to suck his cock.
“OK,” he said, smiling, “Well?”
Something stuttered to a halt in my brain and I said, “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
It was because I wasn’t ready, and it was because I was worried on some core level that once I finally did it, it would be “over.” This brainwashing would be done, it would be the end of an arc, and we may never find something so real and so subversive to change about me again.
We’d talked about that before, inside and outside of play. He’s spent a lot of effort handling and influencing the way I feel about that -- being comfortable with change on some level facilitates it. It’s about finding the blocks to that.
He also told me that he wasn’t going to push me to do it. That would be within acceptable bounds, and he always had the ability to do it. But he wanted me to be comfortable, and he wanted the dark side of it, too: I choose, so I have to deal with the fact that it was wholly my desire that he shaped over such a long period of time.
Just like I internally checked all the time to see if I’d fallen in love, I asked myself constantly if I wanted to suck his cock. But one day, it hit me out of the blue.
I wanted it. Did I want it? Yes, I wanted it.
I texted him, and he slammed me with it.
Next date, it happened.
I feel really strange talking about all of this because it IS personal. I know it is such a trope: take the cock-hating girl and turn her into a blowjob slut. I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but that is so exciting and wrong.
And may I also just say fuck this pandemic.
Bimbofication/Other Personality Changes
We do a lot with the idea of fetishizing changing my personality and the way I behave and experience my identity in my day-to-day life, but none of it is really goal-driven. There is no intense shaping that happens beyond constant reinforcement and play, but these things fluctuate a lot based on what we’re both feeling and wanting. There are overarching ideas of having me become more doll-like, feeling like my body is an object and my brain is automated. Me becoming more like a “girlfriend” is a theme, playing on ideas of misogyny and brainwashing. Plenty more. And of course, there’s bimbofication.
Obviously, cocksucking conditioning fits very neatly into bimbo tropes, and it’s no secret that that’s a huge mutual interest of ours. But bimbofication can be interpreted as a very expansive thing (I could write an entire other article on this), and there is a lot that we do with it both as short-term and long-term.
There is stuff like paying more attention to the way I look, co-opting my makeup routines, obsessing over my lips, changing the way I walk, having more sexual fantasies, making myself dumb while masturbating, occasionally obsessing over cock, making myself pornographic, having dumb moments in my life, thinking about my tits and wanting to play with them… I mean, really, all the stuff, we play with it.
It’s not that these things are linearly increasing or happen all the time, but there are waves and moments and these things permeate my days. My life has little pockets of them, and I’ve learned to become more comfortable with how it all shifts over time.
I wanted to share one thing that we’ve been dancing with this past week or two, something very recent: a hint that my tits might be getting bigger. I’m very, very skeptical of physiological changes that purport to be from hypnosis, even if they’re well-documented. Breast growth is highly controversial and my opinion has always been that it’s more about one’s own perspective of one’s body that changes more than anything. I am open to being wrong about this, but I would need some serious evidence.
It must have started as a joke or a comment about Erickson (and oh boy, if you haven’t heard that one, go read about it) and he ran with it, emphasizing the idea that they would just get bigger to the point that I wondered about it. At the very least, I’m more aware of them and how they feel, and they do seem bigger to me. I’ve succeeded in my goal of losing weight while stuck at home, and usually that means that my breasts get smaller, but it doesn’t feel like they have. Even this isn’t enough to change my mind about hypnotic breast growth, but hey, who knows, and it should at least serve as an example of a more “physical” focused change and a very recent one as well.
In Conclusion
There is no real “conclusion” here. I am brainwashed. This is… a limited-scope, mostly free-form look at my brainwashing from my perspective. I’m missing a lot and I’m frustrated by the feeling that every single section here could be expanded to be about thrice as big, and I still wouldn’t be capturing everything I want to capture about our relationship and where my brain sits in it.
But I’ll end with this: One of the hottest things I ever say to him is, “What are you doing to me?” It is an invitation. It is an impulse. It is a trope. It is an opportunity. Once, he answered me by asking, “Is that something you consciously think about saying, or is it more like a moan?”
Another time, he said, “I’m turning you into an MCStories victim.”
Really, truly, that’s what I’ve always wanted.
