Heart
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Petals/Thoughts
🕑 Added 2021-06-14 23:20:18 +0000 UTCThere is so much grief right now. Grieving my marriage, lifestyle, the future I planned, my vision for our family, grieving the end of what I thought was life-long work. I pictured us getting it right one day, I have to let that go too and grieve that dream with the rest of them.
Here lies the cross-country road trip we’d always wanted to do, here lies all the plans we had for taking our kids to see the world, here lies our trajectory and our combined talents. Here lies our fearless communication and our spark. Here lies the liminal moments when our child would laugh, full-bellied, and we’d squeeze each others hand and share a secret look because we could feel their joy in our own DNA.
Divorce means so many changes. Changes with time and money and space. Now that our agreement is almost finalized they’re coming quick.
Our connection has changed but it’s not the end of our journey. We’re still co-parents so our relationship has to evolve and exist and function. We need to stay in touch. I’m jealous of childless couples who can just fade from each other. It seems like a luxury to become strangers. Especially during a pandemic where we have to be updating constantly for the kids’ safety about our exposure and who we have seen. I wish I didn’t have to hear it. The grief is heavy some days.
He has a new partner. I feel lucky to have skills from polyamory, I can’t imagine how monogamous people do this part. So much bitterness, even from where I’m standing.
There’s all the sour feelings over knowing they drink together, knowing she gets the charming happy-go-lucky guy that I once knew. There’s all the awkwardness of him introducing her to mutual friends and them reporting back to me. There’s all the resentment over how much freedom and time he has for this new thing. There’s all the anxiety over who he might bring into our home, and into our kids’ lives. There’s so much space to get ahead of myself.
I breathe and try to ground myself in the present moment, focus on what’s in front of me. I remind myself my What If’s are a waste of my energy, last year taught us we never know what’s coming so spinning your wheels on possibilities is fruitless. I remind myself I’m lucky to have some time to process this grief, and really feel it, so that I can move on.
Comments
Heart
This is all so relatable, thanks for saying this. I feel the same apprehension about connecting again, or building my life with someone. It’s tough. Jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down. It’ll happen when it’s right though. For both of us. 💘
Daniel Drew
💛💛 Honestly, these feelings and a situation that leads to divorce has always had be apprehensive about marriage in the first place. Part of me wants to be with a person and connect on that, deeper than anything before, level and all the ups and downs that come with it, but the possibility of being emotionally town apart in such an intimate way have me at, maybe I’ll just be better alone or something. Though this is coming from a person whose only relationship was 6.5 years and the thought of getting out there and putting myself out there again, and doing the dating and getting to know people stuff and still maybe things not working out, terrifies me. I’m not sure I can give myself to someone like that again. Don’t get me started on my unrequited love for my friend XD. But there’s still the part of me that knows that there are people out there who might fit together with me like a puzzle and that I have to just live and maybe things will line up. Lol wow, I really just put all that out there XD. Totally didn’t mean to redirect to myself 😅 sorry! But, yeah. I have faith in you and your strength to be able to roll with these changes. You got this. 💚💚
Heart
Thank you Bee I love you too. 🥺🐝
petitabeille
hi, love you.
