Spirithorse16
patreon
Order of the Phoenix: You Got Kidnapped, Robbed a Supermarket, and Fought a Drag Queen with a Wand?” Part 1
🕑 Added 2025-04-02 12:08:46 +0000 UTCThe moment passed.
Harry cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck as the room fell silent again, expectant eyes turning to him and Daphne.
“So,” he began slowly, “as we said… it all started when Lucius Malfoy decided to kidnap us. Because apparently, attempted murder in a graveyard just wasn’t personal enough.”
Daphne snorted. “Honestly, it wasn’t even a good kidnapping. We woke up in a stone cell with no idea where we were. No dramatic monologue. No mustache-twirling. Just damp walls, no windows, and what I’m pretty sure was mouldy porridge.”
“You got porridge?” Fred interrupted, raising a brow. “Luxury. I’d kill for porridge at the Burrow some mornings.”
“We got bread too,” Harry added dryly. “The kind that could double as a Bludger in a pinch.”
There was a ripple of laughter, but Hermione leaned forward, serious. “Wait—how did you get out? There were no guards?”
Daphne shook her head. “That’s the weird part. We waited all day—heard nothing. Then we noticed the flap at the bottom of the door.”
“And it was big enough for Daphne to squeeze through,” Harry continued. “So we waited until it was dark, listened for a while to make sure no one was lurking around, and then she… wriggled out.”
“Gracefully,” Daphne corrected.
Harry snorted. “You got stuck halfway and said—and I quote—‘If I die here, tell my sister I want to be buried with better lighting.’”
Daphne rolled her eyes. “Yes, but I still got out.”
“And she unlocked the door like she does it every day,” Harry added with a smile. “Found our wands sitting on a table just outside the cell.”
“Wait—just like that?” Ron asked, frowning. “No guards? No traps?”
“Exactly,” Daphne said, her tone darkening slightly. “It was too easy. Like someone wanted us to get out.”
“Which is always reassuring when you’re disoriented, wandless, and potentially being used in someone’s elaborate revenge fantasy,” Harry added.
McGonagall’s lips thinned into a grim line. “And you didn’t recognise the location at all?”
“No,” Harry said. “It was a city. But not London. Definitely not.”
“Muggle, too,” Daphne added. “TV, toaster, a lot of electronics we didn’t touch in case they bit us. Very New World aesthetic. Which made us wonder…”
“Where the hell were we,” Harry finished. “Spoiler: it was New York.”
A low murmur spread through the students. Even the portraits along the walls seemed to be whispering.
“You walked out of a kidnapping cell… into bloody New York?” George looked equal parts impressed and horrified.
“To be fair, we didn’t know it was New York at the time,” Harry replied. “We just knew it was raining, we had no money, no plan, and Lucius Malfoy probably still wanted us dead.”
“So naturally,” Daphne said with a smirk, “we robbed the place blind and went out into the night.”
“Robbed?” Hermione gasped, scandalised.
“Not like that!” Harry said quickly. “We found a backpack, some cereal bars, bottled water—basic survival stuff. We didn’t nick the telly.”
“Only because it wouldn’t fit in the bag,” Daphne muttered.
Tonks let out a laugh, shaking her head. “You two are ridiculous.”
“Resourceful,” Daphne corrected.
Harry nodded solemnly. “Ridiculously resourceful.”
Harry exhaled slowly. “So. After escaping the house, we ended up wandering around in the pouring rain through what we later realised was New York City.”
“It was very wet,” Daphne deadpanned. “Socks ruined. My hair looked like it lost a duel with a Blast-Ended Skrewt.”
“A tragic loss,” Harry said solemnly. “Rest in peace, Greengrass dignity.”
Daphne nudged him with her elbow. “Anyway, we had no idea where we were, and Harry goes, ‘Let’s look for MACUSA.’ As if they’d just have a neon sign saying, ‘Wizards here.’”
Ron blinked. “They don’t?”
Hermione sighed. “No, Ron, they don’t. Because that would defeat the entire purpose of secrecy—”
“Anyway,” Harry cut in before the inevitable tangent. “We figured, if it was anywhere, MACUSA would be in the most obvious place in the city.”
“And that’s when Harry has the brilliant idea,” Daphne said with a smirk, “to go to the Empire State Building.”
“Which, in fairness,” Harry said defensively, “is iconic and central. If any building was hiding a secret magical government, it’d be that one.”
Fred raised a brow. “And how’d that work out?”
“Shh, spoilers,” said George.
“So,” Harry continued, “we wander around, completely soaked, looking for it. And that’s when we realise… we’re totally lost.”
“Properly lost,” Daphne confirmed. “We didn’t even know which direction we were going in.”
“Eventually,” Harry said, “we find a police officer—”
“A what?” asked Blaise Zabini, looking confused.
“Muggle Auror,” Daphne supplied.
“Ah.”
“So we go up and ask him the way,” Harry went on, “and Daphne pretends we’re lost British tourists whose parents are nearby. Charm turned up to eleven.”
“Did you just flirt your way to the Empire State Building?” Hermione asked flatly.
“I call it ‘weaponised politeness,’” Daphne said. “I’m a Slytherin, we take acting classes in deception.”
Tonks was stifling a laugh. “Honestly, that’s how I survived Auror training.”
“Anyway,” Harry said, “the officer gave us directions. We thought we were good.”
“We were not good,” Daphne muttered.
Harry nodded grimly. “No. Because Lucius bloody Malfoy showed up again.”
There was a collective groan from the hall.
“Of course he did,” muttered Sirius. “He’s like a fungal rash with a wand.”
“We were so close,” Daphne said. “Could literally see the Empire State Building. And he pops out of the shadows like some pantomime villain.”
“Yelled ‘Stupefy’ before even finishing his dramatic monologue,” Harry added.
“Rude,” Daphne muttered. “At least pretend to villain properly.”
“So we duck, I grab her, and we run for it,” Harry said, his voice quickening. “Full sprint. Crowds, rain, panic—straight towards the entrance.”
“People were staring,” Daphne said. “One man actually offered me a poncho.”
“Lucius didn’t dare use magic once we were near the building,” Harry explained. “Too many Muggles. So he chased us instead.”
“And let me tell you,” Daphne said, “Lucius Malfoy does not run well. He looked like an angry bat in a cloak.”
Someone near the back snorted.
“So,” Harry continued, “we burst into the Empire State Building—thinking, great, safe now, MACUSA surely has to be in here.”
“We were… incorrect,” Daphne said flatly.
“They moved,” Harry groaned. “Left a bloody notice. Just a tiny enchanted plaque, practically invisible, that said—”
“‘MACUSA has been relocated to Washington D.C.,’” Daphne recited bitterly.
The room went quiet.
“You’ve got to be joking,” said Ron.
“I wish we were,” Harry muttered.
“And it gets better,” Daphne added. “We’re trapped. Malfoy’s probably lurking outside. MACUSA’s gone. We’re surrounded by tourists. And we’re starving.”
“So,” Harry said, “we go looking. Figure there’s a hidden magical entrance somewhere.”
“Which we don’t find,” Daphne said. “What we do find is the kitchen.”
There was a beat of silence.
“Please tell me you didn’t—” Hermione began.
“Oh, we absolutely robbed it,” Harry said. “Full-on Muggle kitchen heist. We broke into the back, found a kitchen the size of the Hogwarts dungeons, and went full rat-in-a-larder mode.”
“We needed food!” Daphne protested. “Also… it was very well-stocked. And we may have enchanted some backpacks to hold more.”
Fred leaned over to George. “Our people,” he whispered reverently.
At the staff table, Horatio Caine adjusted his sunglasses.
“In fairness,” he said, deadpan, “if we were in that situation, we’d have looted the fridge too.”
Calleigh added with a wry smile, “You forgot to mention the part where they took enough canned beans to survive nuclear winter.”
“Or that they tried to sneak past a pastry chef with backpacks bulging like Christmas hams,” Eric said.
“We almost made it,” Harry grumbled. “He came out of nowhere.”
“And then we bolted,” Daphne said. “No time for explanations. Just two soaked, slightly deranged British teenagers fleeing a very confused New York chef.”
McGonagall sighed deeply, massaging her temples. “You stole from an American landmark.”
“We returned the plates,” Harry offered.
“You did not,” Daphne hissed under her breath.
“Look,” Harry said, “we didn’t want to do it, but we were hungry, MACUSA had done a runner, and Lucius Malfoy was waiting outside with his best murder-face on.”
“And I was not,” Daphne added, “going to let him drag me back to some damp dungeon just because I didn’t fancy nicking a tin of soup.”
Silence stretched across the room again.
Then, from the Ravenclaw table, Luna Lovegood said brightly, “I always thought MACUSA was in a giant magical pigeon.”
No one questioned her.
Comments
Caroline Janiszewski
So glad this showed up! My credit card was charged for my membership literally yesterday
