Xannador
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Afterword
🕑 Added 2024-05-18 11:00:10 +0000 UTCPlease do not read this until after you've read the finale of Mostly (h)Armless as it contains some spoilers.
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At long last, the journey that I embarked upon since March of 2023 has come to an end. Now, I think I should get the most obvious question out of the way first.
Is Chai fucking dead?
As a doornail, sorry. Chai has gone to where no technology can bring him back.
From the moment I started the comic, I knew Chai wasn’t going to survive. It’s why I had no reservations about posting (seemingly spoilerous) bonus art about an alternate way the story could have gone. Because I knew it didn’t matter in the end.
You might be wondering why it had to be so. Why go through all this trouble of making a high quality story about a character doing everything he can to survive, only to die in the end? To answer that question, I’ll have to explain where my mind was when I started the comic. This is some dark subject matter though. It might seem silly to warn the audience of a comic like this about dark stuff. But unlike the comic, this was real.
2022 was a truly horrific year for me. There were suicides, deaths and a terrible accident involving my younger sibling. The people that I love suffered horribly and I didn’t know how to help. I felt powerless and that I had failed my family for not being able to provide more comfort or aid. Those responsible for what happened did not and will never face any repercussions. They have shown no remorse. I have completely lost faith in both the medical industry and in our justice system, which forces victims into an even worse position if they were start a case. It is not my place to go into details about what happened, nor do I want to. But seeing ‘the system’ for the dysfunctional, unreliable circus it really is has changed the way I look at the world forever. When things go wrong, we are on our own.
No matter how much I and those around me tried to improve our situation, it was all for nothing. Months of effort, day after day grinding to make the slightest change for the better, only to face bitter disappointment every time. Then another family member, and one of my only friends, received euthanasia due to the progression of a terminal illness. Finally, the whole fiasco was rounded off by me getting fired from my job.
Those who were left were all a little more broken, the light in their eyes gone. The consequences of what has happened will continue to follow us for the rest of our lives. The damage can never be repaired. And those who are gone are never coming back. That brought us to February 2023. I was not doing well. I was looking for a job without much conviction that I had any chance of finding anything, having made the idiotic decision to pursue being an artist and animator as a career
Then there was this little game that reminded me of the ps2 era of videogames, which was the console I grew up with. Playing Hi-Fi Rush was the first time I felt a bit better. Ordinarily I think this game wouldn’t have made as big of an impression on me. But I was in a state of mind where I was ready to accept anything that gave me some relief. And how blessed I was to have found a masterpiece like Hi-Fi Rush... It didn’t make my problems go away, but while I was focused on creating fan art and animations, I couldn’t dwell more on my situation. On a whim I started a fan comic, something I had told myself I shouldn’t do anymore because it was a ‘waste of time’. Indeed, one could say I wasted almost a whole year working on something that would grant me very little in return. I could have spent the same time working on something original.
But I have come to realize that, had I not made Mostly (h)Armless, I’d have made nothing at all. I was too miserable and demotivated to work on my own stories. Fan comics are easier than originals because you immediately have other people who are interested in your work. People motivate each other. Working like a maniac on this comic allowed for time to pass and the pain to dull. I was so focused on pumping out page after page, there was no time to think about anything else.
I let what I experienced bleed into my art as a form of relief. There is undeniably a fun factor to it. Drawing blood and despair and monsters is just really, really fun. But the cynical ending of Mostly (h)Armless is different.
All that effort. Just to die.
Do I really belief in that? That the journey is pointless? I don’t know… part of me does. But there’s another part of me that wants to believe otherwise. I guess the way I see it is that… life is so short, you might as well see it through to the end. Even if it sucks, it’ll be over before you know it anyway. By continuing on you still leave the door open for the possibility that things will improve. It’s not a guarantee. The sad reality is that things don’t always get better. But you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving life a chance. You might be a miserable sack of shit all the way to the end. But you might also become something different. At least then you will know.
The meaning behind the announcer’s final advice was clear. Chai knew he was going to die. Everything he and 808 went through had been for nothing. He tried his best to escape and he failed. But rather than just give up and let V1-RS kill him, he fought back. And he still died, his dreams along with him. Trying his best didn’t change the outcome. Just like my family's efforts didn't change the outcome of our situation.
But Chai did save his friends. If he hadn’t fought they’d have died too. That has to mean something…
This is not a story that will resonate with everyone. But it’s one that I wanted to tell. And poor Chai and his friends happened to be the medium through which I decided to do so. It’s one of the purest forms of artistic expression I have created. Even if that sounds ridiculous or conceited. Yet there is no reason for this comic to exist other than to give me a sense of closure. And if anyone else can get something out if it, so much the better.
I remember somebody once asking why I chose the title Mostly (h)Armless, an obvious reference to the final book in the Hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy series. I then gave several reasons, one of which was rather sad and I said I would explain later. Well… the final entree in the Hitchhiker’s series is known to be darker in tone compared to the previous books. The reason why is because Douglas Adams was going through a rough period in his life when he wrote it. Mostly (h)Armless is ridiculously dark and depressing compared to the source material, for the same reason.
Speaking of meaningless coincidences… The the closure of Tango Gameworks... All that effort, just to be shut down. The injustice of it all… The parallels aren’t lost on me. But this comic has experienced a number of odd coincidences like that. The eyepatch, KEMN0… Maybe choosing a Hitchhiker’s based title put a curse on HFR or something. I’m not delusional (as far as anyone who can shut themselves in a room to work on a comic for 10 months can’t be delusional) I know my actions didn’t cause Tango to add enemies or eyepatches… Or Microsoft to make the most asinine business decision of the year. But it is weird. And it makes the ending of my comic feel weird. At least to me.
I think that’s about everything I wanted to say about the story. Mostly (h)Armless marks the seventh comic I have successfully completed. (Only counting those above 15 pages in length.)
Dreadzone Jackass (20), Predator (17), Lobster (20), The Expansion (28), Grisly Tales (26), Vigil (68), and now, finally, Mostly Harmless (75)
75 pages completed in about 9 and a half months, then another 10 pages in 3 weeks for the bonus comic. 85 comic pages in a year is actually not that fast. But taking into account the high render quality and me having to fit making pages around an already full schedule, I think I have done great.
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I think I should also add that... Things have improved. For me and for the rest of my family, even for my sibling. Despite permanent damage, he has recovered as much as was realistically possible. He could have died. He could have been paraplegic. But that didn't happen. We have much to be grateful for. I think that in and of itself proves that unwinnable battles are still worth fighting.
I got a new job, one infinitely better than where I was before (so that turned out to be a blessing in disguise), and I’m moving again soon. I am in full production for my next comic Dragonstar, which a fair few people seem genuinely interested in. This leaves me feeling hopeful! I have a lot of work left to do. Things that will be a lot more difficult than a 10 month long comic grind. But if I can translate the grit I have for this, I think I’ll be successful in other areas of my life too.
When you think about it, it is a miracle that I was given the opportunity to make this comic at all. The fact that I was able to make the time, was healthy enough to go through a maraton like this. That no other distasters happened during all the time i was working on it. I'm such a lucky person that I got to do this.
I remember how nervous I was to speak to people online openly before doing this comic. I am something of a hermit. You guys really helped me with that. You stuck by me all this time. I don’t just want to repeat “Thank you for your support” until the words lose their meaning. But I believed for a very long time that my work was worthless. I had grown so used to being ignored and failing at the things that mattered to me, not to mention bad experiences with fandoms in the past. But with this comic it was different. And that’s entirely because of you guys and everybody else who supported me here and on other platforms. My interests are so obscure... to know that there are others out there who enjoy the ultra-specific things that I do is a delight.
So thank you, to each and every one of you.
If you want to continue to support me with my next comic, I’ll be glad to have you! I actually hope to start uploading the first pages of Dragonstar as soon as possible. (I'm coloring pages as we speak) But if you were only here for Hi-Fi Rush, I more than understand your decision to move on and you have my gratitude for the support you have given me for this project. Should you wish to cancel your pledge but were still interested in a physical copy of Mostly (h)Armless, please DM me your email address so I can notify you when the physical is available to order. You will get early access, no matter if you are still pledged to me here or not.
For those who plan to stay; The first episode/pages of Dragonstar will release in June or early July at the very latest! I'll post more info about it next week.
Cheers and goodbye!
Comments
TacTheScribbler
I'm sorry for all the garbage you've had to put up with. Your family, too. The world can be a cruel, heartless, and seemingly meaningless place. Sometimes, when I'm struggling, I tell myself that we can't have good days without bad days. That without the bad, it's difficult to see the good for what it is. Knowing what you've gone through, it seems shallow and disingenuous to even mention it, but having read all of Mostly h(A)rmless and now, having read your afterword... I can see you not only made some good for yourself and your family, but you've created your own meaning out of it. For what it's worth coming from a stranger on the internet, I'm proud of you for that. I'll be here for everything you create going forward. I hope things continue to improve for you and for your family.
Nice Demon Queen
I am sorry of what you have had to experience. I also am not the best to convey statements but I am elated things are somewhat looking in a good way. Again, this HFR comic is gorgeous and well-written. I have so much motivation to get more HFR artworks (not an artist but a commissioner) . I’m excited to see your new comic Dragonstar. I’ll always support you. Thank you so much, I enjoyed being here.
