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Core's Opportunity - Chapter 24
🕑 Added 2018-12-07 22:00:01 +0000 UTCCore struggles with his inner demons and makes a mistake.
Core's Opportunity - Chapter 24
by Zmeydros
The sun coming through Core's window is reflecting off the mirror next to his dresser and getting him right in the eye. He didn't bother to close the blinds last night, he didn't bother to do anything for the six previous days. Nothing except go to school, go to work, and make progress on schoolwork.
He didn't need Petra. His life would have turned out crappy no matter whether she was there or not. Millie and Victoria had stopped talking to him about Petra's move because he kept telling them that he was happy for her. If he talked to them, if he let them in, they'd see what a loser he was and leave too. Maybe Petra would have stayed if he never showed her his real self. Maybe she would have had the courage to start a business if he had been more encouraging, if he'd tried harder to help her with it.
Maybe she would have stayed if he wasn't such a disgrace of a fox. He wasn't going to be a video game artist. He'd probably just work for Millie getting older and older until Millie and Victoria lost interest in him. It was funny. All the people who told him he'd never make it: they were right.
When Petra calls today, he's going to break up with her, free her from his failure of a life.
Relief sweeps through him. Yes, he's going to let her move on. In time, he'll get up the courage to help Millie and Victoria move on too. Misery is the only companion he needs. It's the only companion he can't disappoint.
Friends wouldn't be so hard to make and keep if he was actually as cool as people tell him he is. They just say it to make him feel better. Petra only kept dating him out of pity. She was just waiting to fly away to that job opportunity. It makes so much sense, otherwise she wouldn't have left so quickly. Seattle isn't a place anyone would want to be if they knew he lived there.
Core Cappertail, a horrible excuse of a fox.
Crying, controlling his breathing, and trying to fight back against his dark thoughts hasn't helped. Because there's no way to run from the truth.
He opens his laptop and logs into Skype. The slight frown on his face is set in stone and even Petra's smiling, "Hello," doesn't change his expression.
He says, "Hi."
"Are you okay?" she asks.
"It's been a hard week."
She frowns. "Yes, it has."
"I was thinking about you almost every day when I woke up." She grins.
His chest tightens. "Soon you'll be thinking about your cool Florida friends and you won't miss me as much."
"I doubt it, you're very missable." Her smile is receding with each exchange, slowly straightening with concern.
Of course she'd be concerned. He can see that she's done all this out of pity and he's ready to help her forget about him. "You're right, people don't even notice I exist."
"No, I meant miss-able. Like you're special and people notice when you're not around." Her frown and worry make her look tired.
"Nah, you're just saying that to be nice. It's okay, I know the truth." He smiles out of anguish, at least he can stop living this lie. "You don't have to keep pretending you like me."
"Pretending I like you!?" Her ears fold down and she shows her teeth. "Why the fuck would I do that? Do you think I didn't enjoy playing games with you? Talking with you for hours? Do you think I wasn't orgasming, that I somehow faked all that cum? How would I even do that? And if I did all this just to trick you into thinking I liked you, that would make me a trash person!"
He blinks. What about all that sex? He was a total noob at it. There's no way he was better than other people she's been with. Just because she orgasmed doesn't mean she enjoyed it more than she'd enjoy it with someone else. She probably wanted him to train his pussy because he was so bad at using his cock. Yeah, she's probably relieved that she's in Florida now. She can finally stop worrying about having to have more underwhelming sex with him. "Being kind doesn't make you a trash person. It makes you a great person. Thanks for all the time you spent with me."
She slams her paws down on the table holding her laptop and the mic makes a crunching sound from being overwhelmed. It hurts his ears. "You're unbelievable! How did I miss the part where you have an entire ocean full of issues?"
"See? You're better off without me." He can't feel anything. Not even his own heartbeat. He thinks he might be smiling still.
She growls and he hears the sound of her claws scraping against the wooden table. Then she takes a deep breath and manages to stop showing her teeth. "Core, you need help. If you want, I can help you find someone to talk to."
"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."
"Core, please get help." Tears start making rivers on her cheeks. "I don't want to watch the person I was just starting to fall in love with be destroyed."
Love. Love? Love! He stares at her face on the screen. Why would she say that? How could she say that? She left him! There's no plan for her coming back. There's no reason for her to...
"Listen to me, Core. I had depression when I was young and I got help. My life is so much more livable now."
He tilts his head. "Nah, I'm not depressed, I'm just a terrible person."
"You're not a terrible person!" She clenches her fists in front of her.
"It's okay, I've accepted it." He moves the mouse up to the corner of the window so he can close it. "Bye, Petra. You don't need to worry about me anymore."
"Core? Core! Hey! Don't--"
He closes the window.
A half hour goes by while he scrolls through tumblr, blotches of meaningless color and text floating by on his screen. None of it is funny, none of it is sad, and none of it is upsetting. Just life doing what life does: making noise until it dies. Life, a series of random events that don't really mean anything. Pain, pleasure, and joy, all just a roll of the dice away from each other.
But, in his case, the joy is always short lived. Why even bother hanging on to the joy if it's just going to be pulled out of his paws? Why not just shut the joy out so he can forget what it feels like and move on?
That would show the universe. It would have nothing to take away from him.
* * * * *
Three weeks later, after avoiding Petra's attempts to reconnect with him, he's with Millie and Victoria in Victoria's room. Victoria is licking out his pussy while Millie gives him oral. He's moaning and forcing himself to seem happy. It was nice of them to try and cheer him up, but he knows they'll leave him any day now.
When he cums, it's like his body is a machine, just reacting to stimulation. Even though he feels pleasure, it's only traveling over his skin. Inside, where he used to have crashing waves of emotion and ecstasy, it's as calm as an indoor puddle.
Why they'd want to have sex with him, he doesn't really know. It's not like he can force them to stop pitying him. Petra probably still pities him...
He'd quit his job and move out of Millie's apartment building to stop being a burden on her, but he needs a job and a place to live. And if he stopped pretending everything was okay, they'd waste their time worrying about him.
After he gets washed up and has his clothes back on, there's a knock at the door. Millie opens it and says, "Hey Denise!"
"Hey! Is Core around?" she asks.
Core freezes.
Millie pulls open the door and steps back. "Yeah, he's right there."
"Hey, Core, can we talk back at my room for a bit?"
He's been avoiding her this whole time, but for some reason she just won't take the hint. The last thing he needs is to talk to Denise alone. While Millie and Victoria have taken his recent smiles and bright attitude at face value, Denise's smiles back at him have been weighed down by concern. He can't help getting the feeling she knows he's faking it all.
He can't be alone with her. She'll see through him. "I'm sure Victoria and Millie won't mind if we have a little chat while they get ready."
"I think it would be better if I talked to you in private."
"Maybe tomorrow?" he offers.
"No, this can't wait any longer." She crosses her arms.
For the first time since he's met her, she looks menacing. "Umm, okay, what is it?"
"Not here, in my room," she says.
"Okay, Denise, you're getting a bit pushy," Millie says.
Denise sighs and shakes her head. "I'm trying to protect his privacy."
"I'm sure he can talk to you later," Victoria says finally fully dressed.
"Fine, you want to know why I need to talk to him? Petra called me today because she was beside herself. She misses Core and can't understand why he won't talk to her." Denise's face is creased with worry.
"Wait, you've stopped talking to her?" Millie balked.
Core freezes on the edge of the bed hiding his face, unable to look at them.
Victoria says, "You're shivering. Are you okay?"
Everyone seems so concerned about him: Petra is so upset she went to Denise, Victoria sounds worried, and Millie's jaw is slackened in disbelief. How can they care about him this much? Why? Can't they see that he'd only weigh Petra down?
Millie sits down on the bed next to him and puts her arm around him. "What happened, Core?"
"S-she's better off without me. I'm just a burden to everyone." He trembles.
Victoria sits on his other side and leans against him. "Aww, kitty doesn't think you're a burden."
Denise says, "Is that what you think? Do you tell yourself you're a burden to everyone?"
He looks up at her with no idea what to say.
Millie says, "You're a hard worker and you fuck me like you want me to enjoy it even more than you do. I knew you wouldn't let me down, that's why I helped you out."
Victoria says, "Without you around, I'd be behind on my work. And you're so sweet."
"Core, I used to feel that way. When you start thinking those thoughts, think about this moment. Think about how much you've made us smile. None of us would be better without you here." Denise smiles. "While you were dating Petra, she couldn't stop gushing about how happy she was."
"Really?" he asks. It's like he just noticed he was standing on the ceiling instead of the floor, like he'd been looking at the world with the wrong side up.
"Oh yes, she was so happy." Denise nods.
Millie says, "When we had our meeting about her business idea, she spent the first half hour talking about you."
"But she needs to live her life. Won't she be better off without having to worry about me when we're on opposite sides of the continent?" His chest tightens, he's being logical about this, isn't he? They're sure to see his point.
Denise says, "Well, I can't speak for her, but I think you need to let her make her own decision on this. She wants to stay close with you and you took her decision away. If you don't want to do a long distance relationship, that's fine. But if you're making the decision based on what you think is better for her, you're treating her like a kid."
His heart sinks so low, he feels like the wind has been knocked out of him. "I'm a terrible person."
"You've just got low self esteem, Core. That doesn't make you a terrible person. A terrible person would never examine their mistakes and try to do better. They'd do things that benefitted themselves and no one else," Millie says.
"Kitty doesn't think you're terrible. You're kind and gentle and conscientious." Victoria pets his head.
"I understand your reasoning, but I question the idea that you're somehow unworthy of Petra. She clearly wants you in her life." Denise puts a hand on his shoulder.
Having them touch him this way, say all these nice things, it's nearly too much. How can everyone actually want him here? How could he be so wrong about things? It makes no sense.
"You know, what you did makes a lot of sense to me. I've moved a lot and lost a lot of friends over the years. And the first thing I'd do when I found out someone was going to leave my life was tell myself I didn't need them and they didn't need me. I had the idea it would hurt less that way. It's basically the first stage of grief: denial," Denise said.
He thinks for a moment and then his eyes widen. Does he push people away because he's afraid they'll leave him? The moment he found out Petra was moving, he started thinking about her not needing him. And to think he's been ignoring her when she actually wanted to talk to him... "I'm such an idiot!"
"No, I think Denise is right. And if you have a low opinion of yourself, it makes sense that you'd think you were doing people a favor by getting out of their lives," Millie says. "Try this, operate as if people are telling you the truth about how they feel about you. It's far easier because then it's their responsibility to tell you when they need space. You can even offer to be out of their lives for a bit if you think they might be afraid to ask for a time out. But, if they still say they want to be around you, take their word for it."
Victoria nods. "I like that, it isn't your responsibility to go all Sherlock Holmes and find people's actual intentions all the time."
"It's exhausting and people have to be responsible for what they say. There are people I'm no longer friends with because they would repeatedly tell me everything was fine and then go to my friends and complain about me," Denise says. "On top of that, I look at what people do and try not to worry about what they're not saying. Like, if someone fits me into their schedule a lot and doesn't become unavailable at the last minute, I know they want to be around me."
"Don't people do that sometimes out of pity?" Core asks. Emotions are tough right now. It's so very hard to not think this is some sort of dream.
Denise shrugs. "Of course they do, but it's very rare for someone to keep doing things out of pity. They'll take pity on you and go on a date or two, but they're not going to go out of their way to fit you into their schedule. And, if they lead you on by continuing to date you, that's cruel."##
Petra went out of her way to find time to do stuff with him. It would be really odd for her to have done all that out of pity. All that sex? If she pitied him, would she go multiple times in a row? Make sure they had even more sex than he would have asked or hoped for? And what about Millie and Victoria? They were often the ones that prompted him for snuggles and fucks. Denise doesn't have to help him with his anxiety, she offers her help freely. Maybe they sorta kinda actually like him! That's what he used to think before this Petra moving away thing. He looks at all of them, "Thank you."
"So, the hard question now, do you want to have a long distance relationship with Petra?" Denise smiles. "You don't have to tell us, but you should definitely tell Petra as soon as you're sure."##
He looks at the floor. "Now I'm wondering if she'll forgive me."
"Only she knows the answer to that for sure, but I think she'll just be happy to hear from you," Victoria says.
Millie grabs his muzzle and pulls it up so she can plant a kiss on it. "Well, giving her a call would go a long way to setting things right."
Denise nods.
His tail drifts back and forth in a cautious wag. "True."
