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Stumbling Up: A Loser's Guide to Progression - Chapter 53: Bath Time
🕑 Added 2025-09-03 15:50:50 +0000 UTCI can't describe the pain of having your body bored into by highly pressurized water. Thankfully, my [Gelatinous] skill was worth its weight in gold. I managed to survive the event. Now I just needed to stop screaming.
As my body flew, the chaos of the dungeon boss room was everything I’d hoped for. I button-mashed the controls so that both vats split open, spilling acid and sharks across the floor.
The Fat Berg bubbled as the sharks devoured it one toothy chomp at a time. The raccoons uselessly scratched at the walls trying to escape.
The room was one giant shark tank. Blood, fur, and Fat Berg flew in the air. Maybe they should have done a better job of feeding their sharks regularly.
The whole thing was gross and satisfying. I watched my health slowly tick up. It’d bottomed out at 3 points, much too close a call.
As the last remnants of the boss monster died within the crunch of a shark's jaws, I finally got the message I'd been waiting for.
[Quest Complete: [First Run]
You have completed the [Trap] [Unnamed] dungeon beneath Eddie's Mill. This undiscovered dungeon has now had [1] successful completed attempts. You have earned 1000 Faction Points and the right to name the [Unnamed] dungeon below Eddie's Mill. You have earned a [Dungeon Treasure Chest].
[Cole Moldboard Thornfield] is responsible for the death of the dungeon boss [Fat Berg]. You can now assign 1000 Faction Points to one of the following Factions: [System] Faction, Rhi Voss Faction, Tandy Selvedge Faction, or Richard the Fanged Banana Slug Faction. You have [ten minutes] to make your decision.]
The sludge in the boss chamber drained, and the monsters disappeared, to be replaced by a large wooden chest wrapped in brass. It was our [Dungeon Treasure Chest]!
A brass key glimmered into existence in my hand. I pocketed it into my tattered pants pocket. This lifestyle was hard on clothes.
My health was back up to 20, so I risked climbing down without fear of dying from a slip. My shredded boots did little to protect my tender feet. I winced as my toes clung to the pipes during my descent. Richard was probably loving it.
My feet hit the wet concrete with a bounce. A real honest to god treasure chest, our financial woes were over!
"Hey, you loot goblin, you going to get us down?" Tandy called from her cage.
Did you get Faction Points?
"Cole, how about we name this dungeon Your Mom's Dungeon? Has a nice sound to it, doesn't it?" Leo suggested.
I held down the buttons, listening to the cages crank down to the floor. I felt for the little girl. She clutched the bars of her cage as tears ran down her face. Richard, on the other hand, looked like he was about to lunge out of Meredeath’s hand to get to me.
What are your options?
"Your Mom's Dungeon? Really, Leo?" I said to myself.
[Your Mom's Dungeon has been named by Cole Moldboard Thornfield of [Your Mom's Party].]
Oh, for fuck’s sake. They [System] really just wanted to make me miserable, didn’t it?
"Really, Cole? You went along with Leo?" Meredeath complained as she stepped out of the cage. Richard was sitting on her outstretched hand. Admitting it’d been an accident seemed almost a worse sin, so I kept my mouth shut.
The [System] dropped some more information about the newly named dungeon.
[Your Mom’s Dungeon has now been [Claimed]. It is now [Classified] as a [Basic Trap Dungeon].]
Interesting, I still didn’t know what it all meant. I’d have to ask Andrew.
[Freeze Moment].
The world froze.
My eyeballs froze in their sockets, focused on Richard, who sat, slime glistening, tentacles outstretched before him like a child reaching for their favorite blankie.
What are your options?
Honestly, I would have told him, but my lips wouldn't move.
WHAT ARE YOUR OPTIONS!
My eyeballs itched as they dried out in the frozen moment.
For the love of slime, this god-awful [System]-cursed skill.
Time unfroze, and everyone acted as if nothing strange had happened. Tandy and Leo went for the treasure chest. Meredeath joined them after handing me Richard. He undulated up my arm so fast that I didn't have time to react to the trail of goo up my neck.
Let's take this conversation to the corner while they're prying open the loot box.
I watched as Andrew kneeled down, wiping the tears off of Mira’s face. My teammates were standing over the [Dungeon Treasure Chest] like it was a wedding ring. As Leo got out his [Enchanted Axe of Singing] to try to fit it into the seam of the lid, I stepped back into the corner of the room. Meredeath's daggers glowed green as she tried to get one into the lock. Tandy stood muttering, as though trying to dispel the locking mechanism.
"I had four choices."
Four? Are you sure? [System], Rhi, me, and ? Richard asked as though the fate of the world hung in the balance.
"Tandy Selvedge, although I don't know why. I figured it was just a vote for [Your Mom's--" I stopped mid-sentence. Richard's body was vibrating so hard he could have qualified as a marital aid. I'd never seen him so excited.
“I guess you want me to pick Tandy?”
Fuck no, I want you to pick Rhi.
"Not even you?" I was very confused. I knew Richard had no love for the [System]. They had history. I'm assuming they hadn't dated. But to pick Rhi, the undead, possibly maniacal [Lich] that doubled as an ex-lover to a fanged slug? No way.
No! Give it to Rhi Voss. She and Ter Lance need the support.
Richard had used the mental voice that brokered no argument. It was the same voice my mom used when I was about to touch something hot. I selected the Rhi Voss Faction, opting to just go with it.
"Why?" I asked, not able to resist an attempt to fuck with him. It’s a bonus if he actually gives me some helpful information.
[Congratulations, [Adventurer], you have joined the Faction War. You have permanently assigned Your Mom's Dungeon to Rhi Voss's Faction. All earned benefits, awards, and Faction Points will benefit the Rhi Voss Faction.]
My mind clouded over, and I was back in Rhi's swamp. It was dark, but less gloomy. The palace of Niyatgra stood proud, white columns extending to the heavens like an ancient hand reaching for the gods. Rhi sat on her throne, Ter Lance at her side, armor gleaming. She looked up at me.
"Faction points?" Her disbelief was as subtle as Leo's axe. "Lance, the infants send us Faction Points." She stood from her throne, green fire blazing in her eyes.
"It's been a long time," her commander said, standing with her. His sword rose in salute.
The two proud, ancient warriors from a forgotten queendom had transformed into a hint of their former selves. Green flames shot around her hands and down Ter Lance’s sword. They looked ready for a fight.
From my vantage point, I could see a horde of monsters burrowing through the mountain, ready to break through. A thin green magic held the line. It flared with renewed vigor.
"Tell Richard he's still a dick!" she shouted as she turned to her antechamber, turned towards the horde invading Niyatgra.
Skeletons began rising from the floor, dust falling off her bones. Rhi Voss, [Lich], was summoning her army. Green lights danced in the bone lady’s swamp for the first time in a hundred years.
“This isn’t from him.” The words spilled out, whispered across the wind.
Rhi turned her head as though listening to my words. Her quiet response returned on the wind still reached my ears, "It's good to see a new generation stand up. Hope is dangerous. My thanks, child. Watch your back."
[Congratulations [Adventurer], you have passed another step in the [Hero's Journey].]
I can't use the points. I have nothing that could truly help in the fight against the [Incursion]. The [System] has most of the dungeon Faction points in our territory. Rhi needs it. She's barely holding on, and I don't think the [System] can plug that hole.
"You're not trying to get back together with her, are you?" I teased him. I couldn't help it. He might be a key player on some cosmic chessboard, but he also deserved teasing.
She'll never take me back. She picked Ter Lance. Cole, you've got to do this; you must have only minutes left.
"Oh, oops. Looks like time elapsed--"
WHAT THE FUCK!
"--good thing I already chose Rhi's Faction."
Fuck you. Two pinpricks of fangs bit the side of my neck as Richard showed his displeasure. With my [Gelatinous] skill, I didn’t even lose a health point. Why the hell do you taste so strange?
"Better be careful or you’ll get stuck. I want to see what’s in this [Dungeon Treasure Chest]." I ignored his mutterings as I rejoined the party.
Leo had raised his axe above his head, ready to strike the chest from above, determined to smash through and get his just rewards.
"Leo, hold up, man. I think this key might help." Three angry eyes swung towards me.
