MrBiffo
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MY FAIL BLOG
🕑 Added 2023-02-04 11:18:12 +0000 UTCThe past week I've been feeling like a failure.
I’ve been lucky that for most of my life I felt like I was moving towards success. As a kid, I’d get told I was funny, or good at art, or creative, and that I’d do well in my life. Then I became a graphic designer, and was considered good at that – best in the business, one ex-boss described me at my leaving do. Then I did Digitiser, and it was, well, huge. We had celebrity fans. We made enemies, but we had people I respected who really, really loved us. Being involved with Teletext felt like I was at the centre of something.
Then I stopped doing Digi, and sort of pivoted. I released a book. I become the Next Big Thing in kids TV – lead writer on Sooty, writing more episodes of My Parents Are Aliens than anyone other than the series creator. It was surreal and exhilarating. I would often get people telling me how successful I was going to be. “We all know it” one script editor once said.
It didn’t go to my head – I don’t think – but it did buy a feeling of safety, that, y’know, everything was going to be okay.
Weirdly, as my TV writing career took off in the 00s, my personal life was kind of crumbling. I think that made me hungrier to hang onto the work stuff as a kind of safety net. That drive, together with the fact that I was young and The Next Big Thing, gave me a sense of momentum. It was inevitable. I was going to happen. I filmed TV pilots with the likes of Terry Jones, Maxine Peake, Dylan Moran… I was very – as they say – ‘buzzy’. My name was kind of everywhere in the TV industry.
“You have to work with him… he’s the next big thing!”
When those failed to go anywhere, my personal life hit the ground hard around the same time.
The one that really looked like it’d happen - a big, high profile, BBC1 sitcom that had a verbal greenlight for a series - got caught up in the fallout of Peter Fincham’s Queengate outrage, and put on hold until it got forgotten about.
I later found out that the BBC had commissioned another big, high-profile, family sitcom for BBC1 after showing the writer my pilot and saying “We’d like you to write something like this…” (it was the writer herself who told me this, for the record – and she was appalled as I was, but y’know… work is work). That stung.
POUR ME
I stopped trying. I’d poured my heart into those pilots. They felt like the thing I’d been building towards, and they didn’t happen. All hit a wall.
I’d hung onto being Mr Biffo post-Digitiser, but I retreated. Between home and career, I wasn't being my best self on the internet. I put noses out of joint. I lashed out at people. I'd become angry, and I needed to become invisible until I got better. I even turned down a high-profile book deal in favour of being lead-writer on my first co-created kids show.
Kids TV was safety. I could work in the industry without drawing too much attention to myself. Over the next few years I became lead writer and co-creator of another three different kids TV shows… A different, and unexpected, sort of success. I became one of the busiest three or four kids writers in the country.
Which sort of takes us up to the last couple of years. I admit, I got comfortable. It was hard to have the motivation to keep pitching for other things – for the adult TV shows I kept getting told to aim towards – when for 12, 11 years I could work on kids shows that I was deeply proud of, and which gave me a decent income.
Don’t get me wrong; it was exhausting. Utterly at times – especially towards the end – but also rewarding to know I was writing things that would get made, be seen, and be enjoyed. I got BAFTA nominations, an RTS Award. It was a different to what I expected success in adult television to be. More under the radar.
I was a big fish in a small pond. I felt more at home, in all honesty, than I ever did going into meetings with producers and commissioners of adult TV. I always felt kind of out of place there. Not middle class enough. Not educated enough. Too weird, pretending to be normal.
Throughout my kids TV success, I did always have a small voice in my head warning me that one day it could all just stop. Nothing lasts forever, especially not in TV. I was getting older, and I went from being the hotshot kid in meetings to being the oldest one in the room.
Most TV writers are young. I don’t know why. Perhaps others get tired of the notes, and the workload, and the financial insecurity, and go off to become teachers. I just enjoyed that I could feel myself becoming a better writer with every script I ever worked on. With experience came an appreciation of being able to speak and feel as if I knew what I was talking about, rather than pretending I did.
And then – bang – everything changed. It just stopped. Not entirely overnight, but more or less. The rules changed in TV. And, as I’ve written about a lot over the past year - sorry - that has meant I’ve found it hard – nay, impossible – to find work. It’s the classic ‘The phone stopped ringing’. It feels like I’ve been cancelled without the associated doing-the-wrong-thing.
Every time another middle-aged white straight writer is exposed as a creep – and there have been far too many – I get hit with a wave of guilt-by-association. It feels like another nail in the coffin of my career.
NO-PHONE
I know why, mostly – because I hear it first hand from producers and my agent. It’s partly because the landscape of kids TV has changed. The BBC has moved to a very different model for its kids shows. Book adaptations, co-productions, a drive for more diverse stories. New funding models that mean they put in less money.
It’s also because I came out of the end of my co-created kids shows without a plan B. I hadn’t set up what came next, because – I think – I got too comfortable. I enjoyed it too much. I take responsibility for that. I buried my head too deeply in the sand.
As the work evaporated, so too did my income. Last year, out of desperation, I applied for a lot of different ‘proper’ jobs – mostly in the games industry. Didn’t get a single one of them. Too old, wanted too much money, didn’t have enough direct experience blah blah. Scrabbling around to pay the bills while my dad was dying.
And I hope, in saying all this, you know how much I’ve appreciated Patreon – you literally saved us from disaster last year. As has the work I’m now doing on Fiverr.
I’d read an article about a writer who was earning a decent Fiverr income writing CVs and press releases, and it sounded too good to be true. However, I was desperate enough to give it a go. To my surprise – though Fiverr take a larger cut of my profits than I’d like – it is possible to earn money through it.
While I’m not earning anywhere near what I’d like to be earning, between that and Patreon it is covering the bills. Just. There’s not much left for fun stuff – and, yes, we still have eyewatering debts accrued after several years of declining income – but we’re in a better position than we were.
WEIRD
It's weird being on there though, having previously been a buyer rather than a seller. I enjoy 95% of it – I love, most of all, working on a completely unexpected array of projects - but most people expect Fiverr to be cheap. I’m a BAFTA-nominated writer with 20+ years experience, and here I am haggling over £15 with a teenager who wants me to write his movie inspired by the video game Star Fox.
It’s the same even when dealing with professional clients through Fiverr. This week, I did some work through Fiverr for a music video director in Dubai. He’s the real deal – some of his videos have had, I kid thee not, upwards of 75 million views. I’ve written the script for his next video for what will amount to – after Fiverr have taken their cut – about £250. Out in the commercial world, I’d be getting paid tens of thousands for it. They pay less, but don’t expect any less work, and it’s against my nature to give it less than 100%.
I wrote a reality show treatment for the manager of the band Aqua – they of Barbie Girl fame – and again, got paid less than three hundred quid.
Same when I wrote a short script for Premier League Productions.
Same for the adaptation I’m doing of a kids picture book written by the environmentalist diplomat who has given speeches at the White House.
Consequently, I have to say yes to more jobs than I’d like to have on at once, just to keep the lights on. While also, lest I forget, still grieving the loss of my dad.
There’s loads I love about Fiverr though. For the most part, the buyers have been incredibly pleased with what I’ve delivered, and grateful for the work I’ve done for them. I’ve really enjoyed most of the projects.
Some buyers, because Fiverr is cheap, treat me with the corresponding level of respect, but most are decent, and I get a lot of repeat buyers. For the most part, it has done wonders for my brutalized self-esteem; I can still write – I do still have valuable skills to offer. I’m better-than-average. At least some people want to work with me.
And yet… while still able to find the positives, I can’t pretend it’s not a long way from writing sitcom pilots for the BBC.
DIGI AND ALL THAT
What has been happening alongside all this for the past 7 or 8 years is my revival of Digitiser, and return to being Mr Biffo.
All of what I’m about to say comes with the massive caveat that I am beyond grateful for this Patreon community. Given a choice, I would choose this passionate, loyal, Digi and BYAMPOD cult audience over a massive, faceless, anonymous fanbase. I feel like I know many of you. I feel supported by you. I feel appreciated by you. It’s a gift. Long may it continue.
But… I lost a lot of momentum when I went away after those post-Teletext years. I’m glad I went away – because if I’d continued doing stuff in the public eye as Mr Biffo during that time, I guarantee you I would’ve fucked up massively in some way. And yet I’m also sad that I had to disappear to sort myself out, due to the knock-on effect to my career.
When I first came back with Digitiser2000 there was a bit of a stir. For obvious reasons. People thought I’d vanished. I know some people – some of whom are among the current Digi audience – were waiting with popcorn for me to fuck up or have a public meltdown of some sort. And then, when I didn’t, the stir died down, and I became background noise. Just sort of there. Some old games journalist who did that thing they loved when they were a kid.
Digi2000 didn’t really ever take off. The YouTube channel – despite a few peaks here and there – has settled down to getting a few thousand views per video. It has never really lived up to its potential.
Without Gannon, without Larry, or Eli, or Ashens, or anyone else… what I offer isn’t enough for Digi to break through the noise. It came too late, or I don’t have the skills or knowledge to do that, or what I do just isn’t what people want. I despair at times that my sense of humour is so weird. It prevents us becoming more than we are.
And now, if I’m being completely honest, it hurts that the ticket sales for the Digi Live Weekend are so much slower than in previous years. I know there are reasons for that – early days… we might’ve overreached ourselves with two nights… hotel prices are ridiculous… it’s post-pandemic… cost of living… etc. etc.
I understand all that intellectually, but emotionally I am saddened by it, and it feeds into this overriding sense of failure that I’m struggling with. I’m not getting any younger, and it could be the last live event we ever organize, so I wanted to potentially go out with a bang. But here we are, and that’s in doubt.
BYAMPOD, oddly, feels like the thing I’m doing that’s successful. Yes, its audience is even smaller than that of Digitiser, but it was always going to be. Marillion aren’t Queen or Radiohead. Even then, I sometimes listen to us back and despair at myself. I sometimes wish I could just shut-up and not be me, and do a normal, vanilla, podcast rather than go off at weird tangents, or do stupid voices, or slip into toilet humour.
How much more popular would it be if I wasn’t me?
MR FUCK-UP
And then… AND THEN! In recent weeks, I’ve done or said things that I’ve had a bit of comeback for. Just small things – and usually it wouldn’t bother me - but they’re adding to this sense that I keep fucking up without meaning to. That I’m my own worst enemy.
Like, a few weeks back, I was enjoying posting answers on Twitter to questions I received through an anonymous questions app. I knew I was posting a lot of them, but I was doing them all as replies to the original post, so I figured they wouldn’t swamp anyone’s timelines. And then someone asked me to stop, otherwise he’d have to block me.
I’d been feeling raw that day anyway, but I got really, unexpectedly, upset about it. I felt stupid. I was embarrassed. I felt like I’d fucked up. Like talking about myself is just annoying (he says in the middle of a 3,000 word post about… himself). I felt like I no longer knew what it is you have to do these days not to fuck up. I still feel like that.
And fucking up feels like all of the above. I fucked up. I didn’t do whatever it is you need to do to maintain a successful career. I didn’t make the right choices. I didn’t adapt fast enough. I turned left when I should’ve gone right. I had huge success, and here I am with my cap out on Fiverr and Patreon.
It’s tough right now. I know I’m going through a lot – and I know the reasons why. But I feel kind of fragile, or off-kilter. Like something’s not working right, like there’s a glitch in my system, without being able to pinpoint where it is, or how to fix it. It’s tiring, and I just want to go back to normal.
I guess I feel increasingly irrelevant, and I know that part of it is down to the expectations that were set up for me. “Next big thing” and all that. I had too much to live up to, and now that I’m not living up to it, or even feeling like I’m moving towards it – all momentum gone – I’m just sort of… here. Caught between needing to make a living, and feeling as if I’ve failed to live up to my promise. I got too used to being good at doing things, and now it feels a bit like I’ve become shit at everything. Or, at least, seen as being shit at everything.
I’m also acutely aware of running out of time. I’m 52 this year. I’m a grandfather. That feels old. It feels as if I’m viewed as being old and past it, despite having a long time to go before I can retire – IF I can retire – and despite still feeling as creatively inspired as ever. I sometimes question whether what I do on Digi and BYAMPOD is even dignified at my age (with the caveat that I know these are society’s values, not mine).
So. Anyway.
Sorry for the long, indulgent, post. I know it sounds bleak and depressing, but I’m not someone who gives up, and just lets life hit me in the face, without trying to avoid it. When I write these, it helps me to figure out what I’m feeling. Why I’m feeling it. I find it useful.
It lets me put my jumble of thoughts and feelings into some sort of linear, coherent, form. I know I’ll hit post on this and feel lighter than before, and hopefully it will have served its purpose.
So... thank you for indulging my indulgence.
Paul
Comments
Nikumubeki
Completely agreed - if someone takes the step (i.e. actually goes as far as messaging you) to threaten to block you because they don't like you posting too much stuff (that's not even offensive to begin with), it's not your fault or problem in any way.
Clive Stone
There's a lot to unpack there, both this and the Fossil follow-up. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but you stated somewhere that you weren't all that keen to be on screens, and that you preferred being somewhat invisible, as you were during your Teletext run. Now look at you - you're all over the place and your wife is there too - one heck of a shift. And now you're opening your heart. This commands infinite respect. I'm sorry things have been extremely shit, and you have your concerns, but in light of what you've been through, you're still being incredibly active. Inifinite respect. I genuinely hope and believe that things will all click together before too long. I know there's a lot of other points you made, but the main one is....you can't please everyone. If someone threatens to block you - FUCK THEM. Just be you. Thanks for being open, for all you have done and whatever the fuck you decide to do. Much love and bananas. Clive.
Sedric And Charlie
I feel like I don't speak my love enough, caught up between my own monsters and muses and all that, but no matter what else comes I always adore your work in any medium. Looking forward to July, hotel costs be damned
Geoffrey Easton
Hi Paul, I was off the internet for much of the weekend (largely due to avoiding rubgy spoilers... I might as well not have bothered!) and during a bit of respite from my current professional existence, I just thought I'd check on your latest posts.... I'm sorry that you had this apparent "reality check" last week (though I know from my own experience, such "reality" can be dependent on how one is feeling at the time... or maybe I just get delusional?!). While of course it gives me no pleasure to read such things (I'm definitely not one of those with the popcorn!), as you allude to, it surely helps to write it all down and share with those who care. I can't think of much else to add right now, other than the world itself seems to be very much "off-kilter", especially with how skills and experience are valued these days. A large part of it is arguably due to the "democratisation of technology", with more people than ever having access to "the means of production". Which of course is cool, but also a shame if some teenager making a film can seemingly dictate your worth. While I'd imagine he is destined to make little from said production, owing to - again - every man and his dog producing content, it doesn't make it right. While of course there are exceptions, it really does feel as if those who prosper do so off the back of others, or somehow find a niche and can capitalise on it. I hope that (as you have mentioned previously) you can get more work with Fiverr clients outside of the platform. It seems unfair that you have to charge a flat (and low) fee for work whereas with songwriting (for example), people get royalties. In the meantime, we'll all keep promoting Digi, etc.. Here's to a much better week.
Joss Dutton
Paul, Just want to say thank you for all of your creative output over the years! And thought I would post about how your output reached into my life I am too young really for the Digitiser golden era of Teletext, I mean I knew of Teletext but not to the details of the sheer diverse content available on these, thought it was news, sport and to check how badly your favourite football team was doing. However, I am of the era of the content that you helped create with the likes of 'My Parents Are Aliens', which as a child was up there as one of my favourite programs and have fond memories where that program was on in the background, little did I know that you were most likely behind the genius and shenanigans that ensued. Now onto modern era, I don't exactly remember where I found Digitiser and the nonsensical madness that was home on the channel but I remember being hooked from the start. I now eagerly await every new video on the channel and it is probably one of few channels that I actually regularly watch on my subscription page. The latest string in your bow was BYAMPOD, and I'm sure I'm not the only one but I am a regular listener to the pod (still catching up but nearly there) and I can honestly say I am NOT a Marillion fan, and sometimes I wonder why the hell am I listening to a podcast about a subject I have no idea about... Then I remember... And mainly, it the connection between yourself and Sanja, the off tangent fits of laughter, although I wierdly find myself enthralled in your passion of a band that, following listening to the pod have started to play some songs from Marillion's back catalogue but not found the time to really listening to it in its entirety and again, thank you for bringing the band to my attention as when I do occasionally whack on a Marillion song, I constantly dig the vibe and appreciate the sheer artistic talent on show. Now we come to the here and now and will stop with saying that although I am a very very new Patron, and certainly not one of those that carried you back into the trenches from no man's land we call the pandemic but I realised that I need to show my support and, have a little more Paul and Sanja input into my skull.
Matt Kimber (Timberwolf)
I sometimes think the way the old gaming scene from back in the day is acting at the moment you should count yourself a success making it to 52 and still being so supportive of new voices and maintaining such a welcoming community! (I say that, knowing there are many lovely people out there. Seeing Jeff Minter post about tending his sheep and slowly learning Welsh is perhaps the most Jeff Minter thing imaginable...) I'm very distant from it but from my remote outcropping it does look like you can build a name for yourself on Fiverr, I remember you telling us how much more Voiceover Pete was charging by the end of Lost Footage compared to that first Goujon John segment. It does feel unfair that a BAFTA-nominated writer has to suddenly start from scratch and put in the hard yards to get back to that point, though. The weird humour is a blessing and a curse. It makes Digitiser and BYAMPOD much more of a niche, but then I look at all the generic stuff that's out there in videos and podcasts and while it's a lot more popular, I wouldn't have much interest in funding it or having a regular chat with the creators. Whereas I love the fact that in my own small way I can help bring things like Found Footage into the world. I like that it's a weird little corner of the Internet - for your sake I wish there were more weird people to fit in it but that's what makes it special.
BeasBotBonanza
Sending you lots of love! It has been an awful few years but hopefully things can turn around! I find the fact that tv has turned its back on you quite depressing, i understand that they are after a move diverse crowd however with everything you do i dont think you are anywhere near an 'average middle aged white man' you are very young at heart and show that you care about things in a way that others maybe dont. Its the little things that count and I always notice them and appreciate them. Yes you do poo jokes and whatever and people dont like that, but honestly I absolutely love it because its such a bright light in a world full of 'edgy comedians' who just peddle the same homophobic/racist jokes all the time. The fact that people can stomach whatever flavour of phobia from other people but might turn their nose up at the odd fart here and there shows much more about THEM than it does about you! I know times are tough but like you said mate you are ONLY 52 ;) plenty of time left!! See you in July
Kathy Holloway (Silph)
Well said, Chris Bell! (Continuing the theme that you may only be known by your whole name…)
Chris Bell
Paul, always remember this: you are enough. You have been, and are a success. You have put creative works out into the world that will last and be remembered - and I’m not just talking about Digi, how many kids who watched your shows will bond with friends in years to come over a shared love of what you wrote? What about the people who will one day randomly come across Found Footage and become obsessed with it without knowing anything about you? What you’ve been through and are continuing to have to deal with is crap, there’s no doubt about that. Factor in losing your dad and it’s no surprise at all that you’ve been feeling the way you are. But don’t doubt yourself - whether what you do is dignified or not (and frankly, who cares?), you’ve made a mark and then some. It sounds like you could really use a break to recuperate from the storm you’ve been weathering, but don’t let it eat away at your self belief - you have a rare talent, and people care about what you do. Like all of us. We’ve got your back.
Simon Lee Tranter
Thanks for sharing this with us, Paul. I think many of the feelings you describe are perfectly natural, particularly for people in creative industries. I've been plagued with self doubt and imposter syndrome for years, and regularly feel like my creativity just isn't good enough, or feel I haven't taken opportunities that have come my way. I worry, but then I think that I'd probably be more worried if I didn't have those feelings, as it might mean I was too comfortable, or a raging egomaniac. At times when I have these thoughts I always try to hold on to that little voice of reason and perspective that says "Live, laugh, love." OK, not that; if anyone says that I have to resist the urge to murder them in cold blood. Joking aside, but only slightly less platitudinous, stay true to who you are, do what you feel is right, and take pleasure in the good things, Everything else will pass. There are a lot of folks in your corner who love who you are and what you do. Onwards! x
NorelleBorelle
Thanks for sharing, Paul, and I'm sorry you feel like a failure. I can empathize in my own way - the pandemic coincided with a lot of permanent changes in my life that are having me doubt my purpose and myself. I also wish I would just shut tf up and not be me, just be "normal" sometimes, just to see if it made things easier. From what I've experienced, the life of a creative can be full of very strongly felt ups and downs. Sending you comfort and any luck I can muster to toss across the pond.
pixelguff
Mate, I wish I had a quarter of the creative output you have! Things may be slow and shit right now but all things pass. Also, you’re still dealing with your dad so give yourself a break. It took a few years for me to deal with my dad doing the off. You’re certainly not a failure.
