MrBiffo
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SO, I'M DEALING WITH SOME THINGS...
🕑 Added 2022-05-03 17:28:16 +0000 UTCI’ve probably let a lot of my life leak through to blog posts, and videos or podcasts, in recent months. It’s something I wish I could keep contained, but the fact is that we’ve been putting out our content while dealing with a lot. Sanja and I laugh when we bring it up, but we’ve not really had a lot to laugh about of late.
I’ve always tried to be honest and open with all of you, and I’ve often found it helpful to write about things that have been bothering me. So… while on one hand I think I try to keep my private life private up to a point… I also believe it paints a false picture to pretend that everything is okay when it isn’t. We all have struggles. We all have times in life where things go pear-shaped. We’re no different.
Generally, I’m lucky. Apart from a couple of blips here and there – it’s unavoidable in life - I’ve never really suffered from anxiety. Recently, though, it has taken a hold on me, after what have been two incredibly tough years. Consequently, it takes very little to trigger my fight or flight at the moment.
So here’s the definitive story of how I got here… Brace yourselves. This’ll probably be an epic.
Up until the start of 2020, I haven’t been without work since I began my TV writing career. I’ve worked incredibly hard, I’ve been successful, I’ve won awards. We’ve managed to keep a roof over our heads. Yes, I’ve been freelance… but I’ve worked flat-out to mitigate the risks that come with freelancing.
Some of this you might know, but things started to go a bit wrong when Covid first hit, and I lost tens of thousands of pounds of expected income literally overnight. I had one show postponed by 18 months, and another cancelled outright. Up until March 2020, we’d been expecting the money from those two projects to be my earnings for that year. Thankfully, we’d put some aside after a couple of decent years of work, which carried us through… more or less until the end of last year.
Which was just as well, because the work that had always been there for me simply didn’t re-emerge once the TV industry opened back up.
It was a mix of things. Covid led to a backlog of projects due to film, which meant broadcasters weren’t commissioning new shows. At the end of last year it looked as if my kids series Almost Never was going to get a new series… then CBBC abruptly changed its commissioning policy, requiring independent production companies to stump up 70% of the budget (previously, they’d only been expected to put in 30%). With shows also now costing 30% more than they had due to Covid protocols, that… put the nail in that coffin apparently. It isn’t fully dead, but we’re running out of options in terms of getting it recommissioned.
Because we’d been working towards that show returning – and all signs were positive during 2021 that it would – I hadn’t really tried to get other work. Last year I had Digi Live to put on, and then we were lucky enough to do the Digi Level 2 crowdfunder, but everything from those tends to get ploughed back into the production. They, and the Digi channel, kept me busy while I waited for the expected work to come back. But it didn’t.
I’ve recently written one ep of a CBBC show, and I had another project in development with an independent producer. When I finally did make a real effort to get on shows as a writer-for-hire, I got told that my experience, age, etc. counted against me.
Thank god for all of you and your ongoing support. I honestly don’t know how we would’ve survived without Patreon. Thank you.
Anyhow, while all this was happening, our financial safety net was evaporating, and with none of the promised commissions bearing fruit, Sanja and I began to go into the red.
And then the bombshell hit which sort of tipped me over the edge. In short: a few weeks ago, my accountant contacted me to tell me I owed over £100,000 in tax.
That was among the worst few days of my life, even though at the back of my head I was telling myself that he must’ve made a mistake. Turned out he had. A BIG mistake, and I’ve still no idea how the hell he somehow added up years’ worth of tax bills, and assumed I’d never paid them. Thank Christ what I do owe is nowhere near that amount, and he’s working on resubmitting my past two years’ of tax to reduce what remains outstanding.
But that sudden shock, I think – even though it was proven wrong – was the final straw for me in terms of cranking up my stress and anxiety to maximum levels.
I’ve worked very, very hard in the past year to develop new projects. Some of these are floating around the industry now. I’ve loved writing them – they’ve probably reignited my passion for writing, in fact – but spec ideas and development is a painfully slow process… and rarely is it paid. And right now, I’m just… waiting… and considering whether applying for a ‘proper’ job is an option I should be pursuing.
But at my age, after more than 20 years working as a TV writer, I’m not sure what I can do. That is what I do, when I’m given the chance.
Alongside all this money worry, we’ve had enormous family stress. I won’t go into the full details of it, but my parents have been struggling, physically and emotionally. They’re both very old, neither is well, and they have become full-time demands for my sisters and I. I’m essentially on edge constantly waiting for the phone to ring because there’s another emergency. Some weeks it’s every day. Sometimes it’s the middle of the night. This has been going on for about 18 months, and working from home means I tend to be the one who’s on constant call. Even before we started to worry about money, I was starting to get anxiety from dealing with all of that.
Additionally, I’m sure the state of the world is feeding into it. I carried on kind of blissfully during that first year of Covid… but I suspect – like all of us – I was absorbing and supressing all sorts of worries. Add to that the cost of living crisis, war in Ukraine… it just piles on.
So. That’s where I’m at. I’m a jangle of anxiety and stress. I don’t let it get me down – at least, I haven’t yet – I just seem to get trigged by small things, or reminders of the situation we’re in, and the huge unknowns we’re facing. A cold rush of adrenaline that ends in a knotted gut.
I hope this doesn’t read as too self-absorbed, or too self-pitying. For as shit as it all is, there’s so much good in my life. I have a wonderful relationship, a wonderful family, a lovely new grandson. I've got you lot. I know I'm very blessed, as much as I might get days where I feel cursed.
I just thought it would help me to write it down, and to share.
So that’s what I’ve done.
I’ll keep you posted how it all goes.
And thank you again for helping us out every month.
Paul
Comments
StormyRange
Really hope stuff is improving for you now, it sounds super stress-inducing, do please take care of yourself however you can, your health should always come first 💚
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
It's all appreciated. Thanks, Kelvin.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Thanks, Geoffrey.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Cheers, Guffster.
Kelvin Green
Good luck Biffster. I can't contribute much, but I'm happy to contribute what I can so you can keep doing what you love.
Geoffrey Easton
Hi Paul, wow, yes, even though you had previously mentioned some of the things you are dealing with, that was still quite a shock. I think you did the right thing by writing down the various issues and how you are feeling, even more so sharing it with people who care (and can often relate to some degree, as shown in the comments (I'll add myself to the list...)). The creative industry does seem incredibly tough (I'm not in it, but there are some parallels with media localisation), and these days, with the tools involved being available to even more people, it is exacerbated by those who undersell their services, or even offer to do work for free. Of course, not that it is easy in the wider world of work (with so many vying for a relatively small number of opportunities, and wages in many sectors often not being particularly high, especially now), but maybe it is something to keep in mind as you clearly have so many skills (and lots that would transfer across). Saying that, we obviously all hope that things pick up for you both quickly. Your age and experience in the industry really should be seen as positives! :)
pixelguff
Gaaahhh. No lie, if I'd been handed a bill for 100,000 smackers I'd just walk out into the garden and laugh hysterically as I dug my own grave next to the shed. Seriously though, anxiety is fucking awful. I've been dealing with it my whole life and it can be really debilitating. Never be scared to take a break if you need one to get your spoons together, I don't think any of us are going anywhere!
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Hah! Cheers, Craig. We'll accept it.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Very much feeling the love. Thanks, Simon. I can relate to that feeling of not being able to accept that sometimes... stuff just happens that's no fault of my own. That really resonates with me. Blimey.
PixelRatedGames
I forgot to mention, I never play lottery games, but randomly I found a ticket for some European lottery taking place this Friday, I believe, just sitting outside the chip shop in the village late last night. If i win jackpot, I'll set uup a Digi fund in which I'll share my ill-gotten gains and will provide you unlimited access to the monies to make eventing you'd like to and not have to worry about money any more! I'm a little tiddly so many regret this in the morning.
Simon Carlson
Fuck, man, I literally almost spat out my drink when I read 100,000 pounds. I'm very very glad that turned out to be a mistake, that would have put me over the edge. Covid really messed things up for a lot of people, we will be feeling the repercussions for a long time, I think. I've always been the type of person to hold myself to a high standard and it seems like you are that way too. It's very hard for me sometimes to reconcile that my situation in life not being ideal isn't actually my fault. The weight of perceived failure weighs on me even when I know logically that there are larger things at play affecting my life from the outside. I want to believe that I have control, and getting smacked in the face with the reality that there are a lot of things I can't control really hurts. Thanks for everything you do, Biffo, Sanja, all of your guests and everyone else who helps with Digi. Art and creativity in general are so important, especially in times of struggle. I hope knowing that your videos bring me incredible joy is at least somewhat encouraging. I really admire you all. Feel the love!
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Don't you worry. I'm a firm believer that all things shall pass. This ain't my first rodeo, and I've never been one to just lay down and let the train roll over my head, however tempting that may be.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Treac, you have never been an arse to the best of my recollection.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Cheers, mister. Thanks for the lovely words as always.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Thanks, Matt. Digi supporting us completely is the dream!
Alex R
Not sure if it is of any help, but from what I have learned is that no matter how dire a situation might seem, there's always some way out of it. It is a struggle, and a long and winding road, but eventually one can make it through. I have been through an awful lot in my 41 years on this planet, and the thought of "it is all going to work out in the end" has kept me going, even though I felt utterly devastated at times too. But yea, it is manageable. Luckily there are always places one can turn to, advice on financial, legal, health, all sorts of issues. Hope you can too! All the best!
Treacle Truffle
Have been through the waiting for the next emergency phone call thing myself, and it's difficult to express just how constant stress of it is. Really hope things start falling in to place for you. Digitiser has made me laugh more consistently than anything else I can think of, from the Teletext days to the YouTube channel. Digi has also helped me meet some of the best and most inspirational people in my life. Also, you are always utterly lovely when ever we interact, even when I'm being an arse. Much love to you, Sanja and your family.
Chris Bell
Thanks for feeling you could share this with us, Paul. What a torrid couple of years it sounds like it’s been - I don’t know how I could’ve coped in that situation, so credit to you for hanging on and still managing to bring joy to the world every week. Hope writing this down has helped you in some small way. All the love and good wishes to you - rooting for you all the way.
Matt Kimber (Timberwolf)
Thank you for keeping going with Digitiser through all of this, it's very much appreciated. It'd be lovely if we could get to the point where Patreon is covering everything and you don't have to worry about the vagaries of the TV industry beyond working on the projects you'd like to work on!
