MrBiffo
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BLOG: TODAY... I REACHED MY LIMIT
🕑 Added 2022-04-04 20:09:43 +0000 UTCI’ve possibly got ADHD. Or ADD, or whatever you wish to call it.
That may not be a surprise to some of you. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, and a few of you have even asked me… because you’ve recognised the signs in our videos.
All I can say is… for now, it’s merely *probably*.
I’ve never been diagnosed. In fact, I’ve not even tried to get diagnosed. I know how hard it is to get that sort of diagnosis in the UK, and although Sanja managed successfully to get her ADHD diagnosed a few years back, I never really knew what benefit there would be in me receiving an official diagnosis.
It’s not like I’d get a blue badge or a bus pass or anything (I mean, I’d probably lose it anyway). It’s a disorder, not a disability. The main treatment seems to be various medications, and I don’t really want to go on medication for it, because there’s a whole load of aspects of living with ADHD which I fricking *love*.
It's the fuel to my creativity. I can hyperfocus like a laser beam, and get things done incredibly quickly. I can multitask better than anyone I know; contrary to what many believe, my as-yet-undiagnosed ADHD lets me work on multiple things at once, and keep them all in my brain at the same time. It’s in the entire DNA of my humour, my ability to recall obscure facts and details, my intuition, my compassion, and acceptance of others. I’m pretty fearless too.
Plus, it’s not like my ADHD – if that’s what it is – has prevented me getting through life for the past 50 years. I’ve managed a successful career that I’m proud of. I raised some amazing kids into amazing adults. I’ve got a pretty amazing relationship. Great friends. A wonderful audience in you lot. I’ve done alright.
But… today it felt like I hit a tipping point with my ADHD, and today – I’ll be honest – I hate it. I hate my I-think-it's-ADHD today. Really, really hate it, and I’ve had enough of hating it. I want to be able to love it. Or at least have some compassion for it, instead of being so utterly sick of it.
Before I get to why, I suppose I should roll back a bit here: why do I (and Sanja, who obviously can recognise the symptoms) think I may have ADHD? Well, because of all of the above. Every one of the famous ADHD superpowers comes with the flipside.
I can hyperfocus… but at the expense of everything else. I multitask on multiple things at once, and then I’ll get burnt out. My humour’s a bit weird and alienating. I don’t take the time to read instructions properly. I’ll rush things that I find boring, or ignore them entirely. I’m outwardly disorganised; plans will all be stored in my head… but sometimes I won’t have the patience to explain them to people. I can be messy, chaotic, have a short attention span when it comes to things I’m not interested in or find tedious, and I can be impulsive.
These are all pretty classic signs of it. At the same time… there are lots of famous symptoms that I don’t display. If I do indeed have it, Sanja and I manifest it in very different ways, because we’re different people.
With all neurodiverse people, no two are alike – regardless of how the world insists on describing things as a ‘spectrum’. The way autism is often portrayed, you’d think all autistic people can be ranked from, say, 1 to 10 in severity, and those who share a ranking are all identical to one another. It’s total rubbish.
I BALLSED UP
So, why now? Why do I feel today like I’ve reached a tipping point, and I finally want to try for a diagnosis?
Well... because I ballsed up. Sanja says she ballsed up, but I’m not blaming her. She’s had Covid for the past week. And, y'know, she’s got ADHD, for heaven’s sake!
So… we were due to go to Poland on Thursday for the Marillion Weekend. We stupidly didn’t check our passports until today… and we saw that mine ran out… in March 2021. I know, I know, I know. But it didn’t even cross my mind. Or her mind.
I just assumed I still had a couple of years on it, but I guess that’s the weird, time-compression, thing of the past two years. We knew where they were, so we figure they were fine. Our brains just didn’t slow down long enough to consider that they might not be.
We tried everything today to try and get an emergency appointment at the passport office, but with Covid they’ve changed their policy, and you can’t go to there without an appointment anymore. I spoke to four different people. I begged. I pleaded. And there are no appointments until next week. And even if there were appointments this week, you can’t make an appointment for the next day – it has to be in two days time.
So, we’ve no choice but to back out.
In our defence, even with this possible ADHD thingy… we’re still dealing with an emotional and mental backlog from two years’ worth of pandemic, and our life has been particularly stressful these past six months. We’ve had a *lot* happening in our family. We’ve been feeling stretched very, very thin. Heck, we’ve had to go out and do filming on location for Digi just to get some ‘us’ time.
When Sanja had Covid last week, we actually sort of saw it as a sort of mini holiday, because we knew nobody would be able to ask us to do anything!
However, when I did mention last week that we should check the passports… she was too ill, and I was too distracted by other things. But with everything we’ve had going on, as overstretched as we’ve been feeling recently, I’m not going to be too hard on us.
Fortunately, I was able to cancel the hotel, but that’s several hundred quids’ worth of flights and gig tickets down the toilet.
What then happened, once we accepted we wouldn’t be going to the Poland Marillion Weekend, is this: I booked us tickets to the UK Marillion Weekend which is happening next month. Fine, right? No. I was being impulsive.
I then I got a text message telling me that the ticket purchase had taken me into my overdraft. I’ve moved some money around (thank you, my lovely Patrons), and we’re back in credit,
With that in mind... although we'd already changed our spending money into Polish zlotys, it's probably best that we're not going away at the minute, and just put that money back in the bank. Silver linings, and all that.
Regardless, it highlighted for me that this wouldn’t have happened if I was able to be a bit more on top of things. If I could hyperfocus on my finances and passports and paperwork the way I can a script or a video or podcast edit.
I don’t want it to sound like I’m making excuses - although, perhaps I am making excuses - but we’ve had a really, really challenging two years financially, and it’s only getting tougher. Covid absolutely kicked the shit out of my industry, and my career. I’ve been struggling to find paid work ever since the first lockdown. We’re in big debt because of that.
I went from the best three years I’ve ever had in my day job, to losing tens of thousands of pounds of income overnight, and almost no work coming in. Now when I’m not doing BYAMPOD or Digi, I’m working flat out trying to find jobs, writing spec scripts, and trying to make myself visible. It seems absurd given I’m as experienced and successful as I am in kids’ TV, but it is what it is.
What does any of that – what does Covid – have to do with my maybe-ADHD? Well… when I said I had three really good years… If I had been able to be better with the money I earned in those years, and the years prior - instead of always playing catch-up with tax bills and whatnot - we maybe wouldn't be struggling like we are right now. We had a small safety net, but that only took us so far. If I'd invested, or put into savings... I dunno. Maybe it'd be different.
I just find it near impossible to plan for things that are unknown, or unspecific. Proper budgeting, falls into that category. I hate that I'm like that. It has probably been the biggest struggle of my adult life. Sometimes I think I would happily let somebody have power of attorney over me!
NO SYMPATHY, NO PITY
I’m not looking for pity; it’s just a reality of where we’re at and who we are. I’m doing everything right in terms of trying to find work, but the longer it goes on… the hairier it gets for us, and we’ve sort of reached the hairiest end.
If you’ll excuse the expression.
I’m certainly not looking for sympathy either. When I write a big blog post like this, I’m using it as a form of therapy really. Trying to work through what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking. Making sense of myself and my life. But the fact is, people with ADHD find it harder to manage money, and I am fucking profoundly useless at it. Sanja generally handles all our accounts, which takes some of the anxiety off of me, but there’s only so much she can do.
I pledge here and now - publicly - to find a way to do better.
Anyway. So… today… those two things – the passport thing and the plunging into my overdraft, and realising we might run out of money… and that’s just day to day money (there’s a shit-tonne we owe from the past couple of years) – made me want to punch myself in the brain. I started beating myself up (not literally).
I blamed myself for both, but more than that… then I just felt like I’d had enough. I had enough of fucking up like that, and feeling I’m fundamentally useless for it. I used to think that everyone’s brain worked like mine, until I met Sanja and I realised how different she was to anyone else I’d met.
Her ADHD mind is such a fundamental part of her… and – for me – a massive part of why I love her. She is SO different to everyone. Yes, she can be maddening – like I can – be somehow I love her more for it. She is, to me, a truly incredible human being. Unfortunately, I’ve rarely felt that anyone other than her loved, or understood, my whatever-the-heck-is-up-with-my-brain thing.
Quite the opposite. I’ve often been laughed at or mocked for being chaotic, or had people call me stupid, or useless, or been judged. That rolling of the eyes thing. “What an idiot”. All that. Parents, teachers, family, friends. I sometimes feel I'm seen as a bit useless.
I think the reason why I want a diagnosis now is because I want to be able to say to people “I’ve got ADHD”, and I want to be able to go a little easier on myself.
Actually, maybe it’s just that. Maybe I want to be able to stop seeing myself as fundamentally at fault when I fuck up. I know how much it helped Sanja to be diagnosed; it made sense of her life. I don’t want to always end up telling myself I’m just wrong, or a bad person, just because I struggle so much with saving money and paperwork and organisation. I want to understand that it might be for a real reason, and feel less shame about it, I suppose.
And I’m a great believer in not being too hard on ourselves; we’re all doing what we can to muddle through this life. Some of us are wired in ways that are compatible with how society is structured. For the rest of us it’s a struggle. But we’re all good and bad at different things – regardless of any disorders we may or may not have.
Yes… I’m almost 100% certain I do display many of the common symptoms of ADHD… but that isn’t the same as having it confirmed.
Making that official, making that real rather than suspected, will change the whole way I see myself. And maybe if I know – maybe if I have it confirmed, even if it takes two years – I will be able to work with it better, and find strategies to finally get on top of this life.
So enough is enough. Tomorrow, I make the call.
Unless, y'know, I get distracted by something!!!!!!
Comments
Justine
I really hope that things improve for you and Sanja. Watching you both on YouTube has helped me through some really rough times recently. Your post really hit home for me. So much of what you wrote reminded me of how I felt before I decided to get a diagnosis. When I was younger girls just didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD or Autism - I got my ASD/ADHD diagnosis when I was 42 and it helped me a lot. I grew up being told that I just needed to try harder, be more focused, getting told by teachers that I was weird, and if I only tried to fit in more then all my problems would disappear. I went through life wondering why I kept making stupid decisions and doing stupid things and why I couldn’t seem to cope in a “grown-up” work environment. My diagnosis hasn’t solved everything but now I deal with my perceived failures a bit better. I still find it very hard to focus on things that don’t interest me, and I really don’t even try to fit in anymore (beyond what is needed to function in polite society). However, I do get to tell myself that the ASD/ADHD is why I struggle sometimes and that does make a difference when things are tough. I hope it has the same liberating effect on you too. My boyfriend is also Autistic and it was while he was going through the process of getting his diagnosis that I realised a lot of the symptoms applied to me too. It was only when I met him (when I was in my thirties) that I started to realise that my brain might not be supposed to work like other people’s and that he and I could live in our own little world full of daft jokes and quirky, childish obsessions and that would be our protection from the stresses of the world and all the adulting that we HAVE to do. I hope that you are both able to weather the storms you find yourself in, I know that things are difficult for you both now but I also hope it helps a little to know that you both make a lot of people's lives happier.
Joe Gallagher
I was exactly the same working on getting a diagnosis for BPD, it gets sickening knowing you have all the symptoms and all the hangups without a piece of paper to say yes it is indeed true! It's such a dodgy process too and accepting the stigmas attached etc can be overwhelming. I really hope things improve all round, I must say I related to so much of this, I think everything is just really shit right now.
Colin Hughes
This has really made me think about myself. Many of the things you describe I also do. The hyper fixation, the focusing on multiple things at once then burning out as my brain just goes nope, no more. I have never had any diagnosis nor even thought about in a great detail, I would usually just kick myself for not doing something important. Watching and listening to you and Sanja and how your humour seems to mirror my own to a stupid degree makes me think I should perhaps make an appointment myself. Not that a sense of humour is an indicator at all but I sometimes think our brains are on similar wavelengths and perhaps process things in an analogous way. I'm not sure if that really makes sense and it's just rambling. Anyway I hope things get better and work comes flowing back in.
James Moorehead
Really hope you get the answers and support you need Biffo! I can't really say much more that others haven't already just hope that you and Sanja are doing okay and to not beat yourself up about anything that happened because it's so easily done.
Mark Whyke
X❤X
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
We really appreciate you watching! With a lot of these replies, feels like we've found a likeminded tribe of lovely weirdos. Thank you.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Oh man... I hear you about the human traffic thing! I have the exact same problem here, because I work in a thoroughfare, basically. Can relate to a lot of that. Thanks, Ed.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Thanks, Shane. Will definitely see you in Leicester! Make sure you do say hello.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Cheers, Pete. Means a lot, especially as you're relatively new to our mad world. That was a good vid, so thank you again.
kiwi owl
I was on ADD medicine as a child/teen. It alters personality alot. I used to be considered shy and dead pan but as soon as I got off of it I was more outgoing. It's strange thinking back to when I was younger, I was a totally different person. Life is alot harder without medication but I was honestly miserable on it. On another note I really appreciate you guys putting so much work into the channel especially in these chaotic covid times. Gives me and my husband a break from all the madness around us.
John Lindsay
These symptoms all sound so familiar to me. I had an "unofficial" Asperger's diagnosis during a CBT assessment many years back. My son is also autistic and he's needed a lot of help with anxiety and depression this past year, it's been very difficult for him, he is terrified of school. Aaaanyway, my fixations on projects or tasks take priority over every other thing going on. I'm surprised Flora can tolerate it at times. Being in a small house, the PC desk is in the living room and I get cross with the traffic of human + animals going through when I'm trying to do something that I've spent 4 hours on because I want to perfect it. I'm also getting very annoyed with myself as my short term memory seems to be completely shot over the past couple of years and simple things like remembering where I put the keys (yes, I know everyone does that, but it's not something I had issues with before to this extent) or remembering to call people aren't great. Flora's become a PA, reminding me, to my knee-jerk responses of "Yes! I know! I'll do it!!" because I'm focusing on other things. Once again, I don't know how she puts up with me. I don't know where I'm going with this, other than saying I can somewhat relate. But like with my son fixating on his passion for 3D modelling, you both certainly show your focus as an art form too.
Pete Pyjamas
interestingly, read a similar tale just yesterday from one of our local politicians (about living with ADHD - not missing out on the marillion weekend!) https://www.1news.co.nz/2022/04/03/chloe-swarbrick-on-self-forgiveness-after-adhd-diagnosis/ i'll echo all the above well-wishes to you and Sanja - take care of yourselves you lovely people - our world is a lot brighter for all your Digi-BYAMPOD goodness!
Shane McKie
Big love to you and Sanja. I hope you get some closure on this ADHD thing. I work in mental health research so completely understand putting people in boxes or on scales of severity but it is a way of simplifying things so that we can group people together to try and understand the complexity of the human brain. If I see you in Leicester I will shake your hand and say thank you to you and Sanja for the BYAMPOD, helping me with my own insecurity and above all making me laugh. Bless you both, Shane xxx
Dave Graves
Oh yeah and ADHD goes absolutely hand in hand with an appreciation of complex 45 minute prog rock epics. I just cannot abide simplistic music. Beats and lo fi just leaves me cold. "Where's the rest of it?" I yell impotently at the radio. "The percussion is so truncated, and the synth work is sub par day 1 drivel. You should be playing 4 keyboards at once with knives jammed in the speaker cones.
