MrBiffo
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EXCLUSIVE: DIGITISER'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL SCRIPT
🕑 Added 2020-12-01 14:33:00 +0000 UTCSo, your first top-tier exclusive thing of the week... and you may want to avoid this altogether, as it could potentially ruin the Digi Christmas special... but it's the script for the audio play of Digitiser's A Christmas Carol. That's what I alluded to in last week's Friday Letters Page when I said I was attempting something I'd not done before - a radio drama, basically...!
I shan't reveal the cast yet, but thought you might want a look at the script as it stands. Or not - it's spoiler-riffic. I've no idea how this is going to work out. I've basically written it as one of our Digi Pant-ohs, which aren't ever meant to be performed, so good luck to anybody trying to act it out for real. It might not work at all, but we'll see. It's an experiment!
In terms of where it's going... I will possibly try to make it a part of the Digi Christmas Special - with some suitable imagery to go with it - or put it up somewhere as a special one-off podcast thing. Or both. Not sure yet.
Anyhow - enjoy, or avoid...!
DIGITISER'S A CHRISTMAS CAROL
NARRATOR
Once upon a time in Victorian London, there was a man called Ebeneezer Scrooge. He was the meanest man in all of London, whose miserly ways were famed throughout the city.
Scrooge hated spending money. He hated kindness, and generosity, and foreigners, but most of all he hated Christmas. He hated Christmas so much, that all through December he would stew and seethe until his Chron’s disease flared up. He would of course blame this on Christmas.
We join Scrooge now on Christmas Eve, as he and his long-suffering employee, Bob Cat-Shit, work hard at whatever job it is that they do…
INT. SCROOGE’S OFFICE
FX: A bitter wind howls against thin window panes. Wooden beams creak against the onslaught of winter. A typewriter clacks and clatters – and then stops abruptly.
SCROOGE
What’s going on, Cat-shit? Why have you stopped work?
BOB
I’m just so cold, Mr Scrooge. I can no longer feel my fingers, and I keep freezing to death. Can we please put the heating on?
SCROOGE
I’ll put the heating on alright. I’ll put the heating right on top of your stupid, lazy, head! And then I’ll punch you in the mouth and neck! Wap-wha-whap!
BOB
That’s an awful thing to say.
SCROOGE
There’s worse where that came from.
BOB
Yeah, like what?
FX: The door opens, and FROD enters.
SCROOGE
Go away, whoever you are! We’re closed for Christmas.
FROD
Yeah! Wooh! Get on down! Trappa-trap-trap!
FX: Dancing on a wooden floor.
FROD:
Get out, you jolly prancing fool! We’re not open!
BOB
Why, that’s not a customer or a prancing fool, Mr Scrooge – it’s your nephew Frod, the jolliest fellow in all of Victorian London! Wow, he’s such a trendy sod! See how he spins and whirls like some radical wisp!
FROD
That’s right, Bob Cat-Shit. I am Frod Scrooge. A Merry Christmas to you! And a very Merry Christmas to you, Uncle Ebeneezer Scrooge! Yeah!
SCROOGE
What do you want, nephew? I’m busy doing whatever sort of work it is that I do. That’s right. I’m working over Christmas. I’m not even going to watch Christmas telly, not just because it hasn’t been invented yet, but also because I hate it. I hate it so much it makes me do this:
FX: Scuttling sound.
FROD
I can see that your eyes have rolled right back in their sockets, and you’re scuttling back and forth like a crab, while huffing and puffing like a silly chimney.
BOB
Have you brought us something warm, Frod? I’m so cold that my eyelids have frozen shut. I can’t even do a saucy wink!
FROD
Goodness. Poor Frod. What sort of shop are you running here, uncle?
EBENEEZER
It’s not a shop, nephew. It’s another sort of business – an unspecified one.
FROD
Well, I’m afraid I’m not here to offer warmth to you, Bob. I’m here to invite my uncle for Christmas dinner. We’re having a featherless bird and some monkey food. You know: seeds!
SCROOGE
Go away, Frod. I hate Christmas, and I hate you.
FROD
Well, that isn’t very Christmassy, uncle. In fact I’d go so far as to say you’re a proper Scrooge!
SCROOGE
At least I’m not a proper Charlie – and that’s what you are!
FROD
Gasp!
SCROOGE
Now get out of my place of whatever business this is!
FROD
Fine then. I’m going, Uncle Scrooge – but I hope for your sake you’re not visited by any ghosts tonight!
SCROOGE
What a stupid thing to say. You’re an idiot, Frod. You’re England’s biggest idiot.
FROD
Well, anyway, goodbye.
FX: Frod leaves.
SCROOGE
God, I hate him,.
BOB
Excuse me, Mr Scrooge…?
SCROOGE
What the hell do you want now?
BOB
I wondered if you’d had time to think about the Christmas bonus I’d requested? Only, I’ve promised my son, Puny Percy, a Realistic Rubber Whimsy for Christmas. They’re Victorian London’s most popular toy.
SCROOGE
I’m not giving you a bonus, you wretched little pleb. Not when you keep freezing to death on the job, whatever that job may be! Now get out before I throw you out.
FX: Scrooge punches Bob in the stomach.
BOB
Yes, Mr Scrooge. I’m sorry. Merry Christmas. And… and… I love you.
SCROOGE
Piss off. And take your presumably frozen penis and ballbag with you!
FX: Bob leaves.
INT. SCROOGE’S BEDROOM
SCROOGE
Time for a good old Christmas Eve sleep, but first I shall read aloud from the latest chapter of my forthcoming novel: The Erotic Adventures of Ken.
FX: Scrooge clears his throat.
SCROOGE
“Once upon a time, Ken had an erotic adventure. He unzipped his trousers, and pulled them down, further than any pair of trousers had ever been pulled down before – “
FX: Spectral sound.
MARLEY
Whooooo! Wheeee-wooooah! Eezer dude, Eezer dude… he’s Ebeneezer Scrooge.
SCROOGE
Wha-wha… whassa? NO! It cannot be! A g-g-g-ghost!
MARLEY
Yes, Ebeneezer – it is I, your old business partner Jacob “Bob” Marley.
SCROOGE
Oh, it’s just you Marley. I thought for a second there that you were a ghost. What are you doing here in my bedroom? I thought you died.
MARLEY
I did die, but now I’m back – back from the dead!
SCROOGE
How is any of this remotely possible?
MARLEY
Listen up good, man. Remember when those orphans asked if we’d give a donation to their orphanage, and you took their collection tin and fed it to a horsey?
SCROOGE
Yeah, that was really funny.
MARLEY
And then you pushed one of them onto the ground, and then kept pushing him along the ground by his feet, and you pushed him off the kerb and into the road, and a different horse trod on his face, and made it smart?
SCROOGE
That was even funnier.
MARLEY
Not so funny now. Because of those activities I’ve been punished, and forced to roam the earth for all eternity, wearing these heavy-looking chains.
SCROOGE
You mean those chains aren’t because you’re a rapper now?
MARLEY
That’s a real good joke. Very good, very modern. But no – these chains are my punishment for living a life of selfishness and greed, and unless you change your ways, you will suffer the same fate – but worse!
SCROOGE
What can be worse than wearing some chains for all of eternity?
MARLEY
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm! LOL.
SCROOGE
FYI, I like being a cruel and uncompromising miser. An uncompromiser. Nothing can convince me to change my ways.
MARLEY
Not even a visit from one… three…. three ghosts?!
SCROOGE
Ghosts don’t exist, Marley. Everyone who has seen Scooby Doo knows that.
MARLEY
Then how do you explain… this!?
FX: Ghost noises
SCROOGE
Whaaaa…?! Marley keeps walking through the wall and back again… there he goes again… and again… to and fro… why, these are the sort of wacky actions only a ghost could perform. Perhaps there is something in what Marley says. Perhaps I will be visited by one… three… three whole ghosts.
MARLEY
No perhaps about it, Ebeneezer – here comes the first ghost now.
FX: A ghost appears.
FIRST GHOST
Yo yo yo. Whaddap, everyone? I’m The Ghost of Christmas Past.
SCROOGE
Crikey. That’ss the scariest entity I ever did see!
FIRST GHOST
I’m the non-corporeal manifestation of Christmasses past, and I’m here to show you just how much you used to love Christmas!
SCROOGE
I never loved Christmas.
FIRST GHOST
You’ll be the judge of that! Engaging time travel!
FX: Time travel
INT. YOUNG SCROOGE’S HOME
FIRST GHOST
Behold, Ebeenzer – a Christmas past. Recognise the wallpaper?
SCROOGE
I do! I do recognise that! Somehow we’re in my childhood home – and look: there I am!
MARLEY
It’s the young you, and you’re rolling around on the floor, giggling!
YOUNG SCROOGE
Whee! I’m the Young Ebeneezer Scrooge, from the past, and I simply love Christmas!
MARLEY
See, Ebeneezer? You did love Christmas!
SCROOGE
I didn’t! This must be some sort of trick!
FIRST GHOST
It’s not a trick, Scrooge. Look at the big smile on your young face.
SCROOGE
That’s a grimace.
MARLEY
Nah Looks more like a smile.
SCROOGE
Definitely a grimace. He’s grimacing at the thought of Christmas.
FX: Young Scrooge giggles.
YOUNG SCROOGE
I’m so happy, I can’t stop laughing about Christmas! Whee!
SCROOGE
He isn’t… he’s… he’s… stop laughing! Shut up, boy!
YOUNG SCROOGE
Who are you?!
SCROOGE
I’m your future self, and I demand that you stop laughing about Christmas, and rolling around on the floor like that!
FX: A beating sound.
SCROOGE:
Stop laughing!
YOUNG SCROOGE
You’re hurting me! Stop stamping on me! I’m dying!
SCROOGE
Stop! Laugh! Ing!
FX: Young Scrooge dies.
MARLEY
Jesus Christ, Ebeneezer! You’ve stomped your younger self to death.
FIRST GHOST
You bloody idiot, Scrooge – you’ve done a time murder!
SCROOGE
Oh god. What do we do?
FIRST GHOST
Look, I wasn’t here alright?
MARLEY
You brought us back in time! This is all your fault!
FX: Door opening, and Mrs Scrooge enters.
MRS SCROOGE
Oh my god. Ebeneezer? You’ve been flattened into a bloody pulp.
SCROOGE
Good lord! That’s my mum, when she was still alive!
MRS SCROOGE
Ebeneezer? Oh, my sweet Ebeneezer! What’s happened? He’s not breathing! Who are you people? Why have you done this to my son?
SCROOGE
Mum, it’s me. I am your son, from the future. It’s okay! I’m still alive.
MRS SCROOGE
What are you talking about? You’re an old man, with blood on his fists and feet. Did you kill my boy?
SCROOGE
It was an accident! I just got over-excited.
MARLEY
Well, this is totally awkward, dudes!
FIRST GHOST
Anyway, I’m gonna go now.
SCROOGE
Wait! You have to fix this!
FIRST GHOST
No, I’m just going to go.
MRS SCROOGE
Help! Help! Somebody help!
FX: An impact
SCROOGE
Jesus, Marley. You just pushed my into the wall, killing her immediately, you silly ghost.
MARLEY
I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to shush her.
FIRST GHOST
I ain’t gonna go down for this. I had nothing to do with it. I’m outta here.
FX: Another impact
MARLEY
Good going, Ebeneezer. You just killed the Ghost of Christmas Past!
SCROOGE
She was going to grass us up. What are we going to do, Marley?
FX: Police siren
SCROOGE
Shit. It’s the filth. They must have heard all of our killing blows. We need to hide these bodies.
MARLEY
Let’s take them back to the future with us. I’ve got an idea.
FX: Time travel
EXT. STEAMPUNK LONDON
MARLEY
We made it. We’ve arrived back in the future.
SCROOGE
Wait a minute. This isn’t Victorian London. There are blimps, and buildings fifty storeys high! Something must’ve gone wrong when we travelled through the space-time continuum.
MARLEY
Killing your mother, a ghost, and your past self, must’ve changed history. Instead of Victorian London as we all think of it, the city has been transformed into a sort of alternate London Steampunk futurescape! That sort of thing.
SCROOGE
Never mind that. What’s this big plan of yours?
MARLEY
Well, I’m going to put the bodies into this sack I’ve found, and throw them in the river.
SCROOGE
We could’ve done that in the past.
MARLEY
Sacks weren’t invented in the past, genius. They’re a new thing.
SCROOGE
I’m not sure about that.
MARLEY
Shut-up, and help me get stuffing.
FX: Corpses being stuffed into sacks.
SCROOGE
Jesus. These corpses reek.
MARLEY
I know they do. That’s why we’re also going to do a poo in the sacks to disguise the smell. I’ll stuff, and you poo. Make sure you do as many poos as you can.
FX: More stuffing. Scrooge does pooing.
SCROOGE
Is that enough?
MARLEY
More!
FX: A robot approaches.
ROBOT
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
SCROOGE
A steam powered Christmas robot! Won’t I ever escape this wretched season?
ROBOT
What are you doing with those two dead bodies, and that double-dead ghost body?
MARLEY
Nothing. They’re not ours.
SCROOGE
Yeah, they were here when we arrived.
MARLEY
We were just going to throw them in the river, like good citizens. You’re not going to tell anyone are you?
ROBOT
Fortunately for you, my honesty circuits are buggered, which prevents me from doing so. However, I feel I should inform you that you won’t be able to throw anything in the River Thames?
SCROOGE
Why not?
ROBOT
In this steampunk version of London, the Thames has been concreted over to make a cool BMX track for Cyber-Queen Victoria.
FX: The robot walks away.
MARLEY
Without a river we’re buggered. These bodies have our fist and footprints all over them.
SCROOGE
Wait. I think I might know a way to get rid of them…
INT. FROD’S HOUSE
FX: The sounds of Christmas merriment. A knocking, and a door opening.
FROD
Uncle Scrooge!
SCROOGE
Hello, my favourite nephew, Frod!
FROD
Who’s that you’ve got with you? Why, he looks just like your dead business partner, Jacob “Bob” Marley.
MARLEY
That’s right. That’s who I am. Turns out there was a bit of a mix-up, and I’m not dead after all.
FROD
What’s with all the chains? Are you a rapper now?
BOB
Mr Scrooge, what are you doing here? And is that… Mr Marley?!?
MARLEY
Bob Cat-Shit! How wonderful to see you again!
SCROOGE
What are you doing here, Cat-shit?
BOB
Frod saw how terribly you treated me in that other timeline, Mr Scrooge, and invited my family and I for Christmas dinner. You remember my son, Puny Percy?
PERCY
Merry Christmas, Mr Scrooge. Merry Christmas, Mr Marley.
SCROOGE
And a very merry Christmas to you too, young Percy.
FX: A dog barks.
BOB
You still have the dog, then?
FROG
Yes, Pudsey the Dog has been with us for several years now.
PERCY
Pudsey, show our guests how you dance.
FX: Pudsey barks.
SCROOGE
Can he do any other tricks?
PERCY
Not really.
FROD
Never mind Pudsey - what are you doing both here?
MARLEY
We’ve brought you all a Christmas treat – two sacks filled with 500 pounds of actual turkey meat!
SCROOGE
We butchered the turkeys ourselves.
MARLEY
Yes, that’s how we know that it’s definitely turkey meat
FROD
That’s incredibly generous of you, but I thought you both hated Christmas?
SCROOGE
We had a change of heart, nephew.
MARLEY
Yes, and to ensure you don’t offend us, it’s imperative that you eat all of this turkey meat as quickly as possible.
SCROOGE
Even the bones, hair and clothes.
PERCY
Why does it smell like somebody’s done a poo in the sack?
MARLEY
Never mind that, boy. Just shut-up and eat it.
PERCY
I don’t want to eat it. It stinks.
BOB
Don’t be ungrateful, Percy. Eat the turkey.
PERCY
I’m not even sure it is turkey. There’s a severed human face in here.
BOB
Percy, you’re embarrassing me in front of my bosses, now stop complaining and tuck in.
PERCY
‘Sake.
BOB
What’s that?
PERCY
I didn’t say anything.
FX: Eating sounds.
SCROOGE
That’s it. Keep eating until the entire sack is empty.
MARLEY
We don’t want any leftovers.
FROD
Aren’t you having any?
SCROOGE
Thank you, but no. I ate before I came over.
MARLEY
And I’m nil by mouth.
FX: A knock at the door.
FROD
Who can that be?
FX: Frod answers the door.
FATHER CHRISTMAS
Ho ho ho!
FROD
It’s Father Christmas!
FATHER CHRISTMAS
That’s right. That’s who I am. Hello, everyone. Hello, Frod, Bob Cat-Shit, and Marley and Ebeneezer. And a very special hello to you, Puny Percy.
BOB
We’re just having our Christmas dinner, Father Christmas. Would you like some?
PERCY
By which he means, would you like to eat some human flesh out of a shitty sack?
FATHER CHRISTMAS
Thank you, but no. Unfortunately, I have diabetes, and I only came here to sing you a song about insulin, a hormone produced by the pancreas, which plays a number of important roles in the body’s metabolism.
SCROOGE
Go on then.
FATHER CHRISTMAS
When Christmas comes please be aware,
That blood glucose rates could see a flare,
Control your intake of festive treats,
Please, no chocolate or sugary sweets,
Eat the lightest meat and avoid the leg,
Abstain from alcohol and dry-roast your veg.
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Ho ho! Merry Christmas, everyone!
SCROOGE
Merry Christmas, Father Christmas!
PERCY
Wait – father, there’s something wrong with Pudsey.
FROD
Why is he shivering like that?
BOB
He seems to be dying.
FROD
Gather round, everyone. Let’s watch him die.
FX: Pudsey dies.
MARLEY
And thus ends Pudsey the Dog.
FATHER CHRISTMAS
Now he’s Pudsey the Dead Dog!
FX: Laughter.
THE END
Comments
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Just me being useless! The whole thing is full of errors!
Kathy Holloway (Silph)
Trying to work out whether the ‘Ebeenzer’ was a typo or a hint of a beanish aspect to Scrooge... 😂
Chris Bell
A proper Yuletide classic! “And I’m nil by mouth” was the cherry on the Christmas cake for me. Can’t wait to hear the finished product!
Nicola
Also: I read all of that!
Nicola
I thought Pudsey died ages ago? In that case... PUDSEY WAS A GHOST ALL ALONG!
John Veness
Pant-Oh!
