MrBiffo
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MY FATHER THE TROLL
🕑 Added 2020-07-26 10:26:58 +0000 UTCI've been feeling a bit all over the place recently, and let stuff get to me that otherwise wouldn't. I think a lot of us are more vulnerable than usual at the moment, given what we're all dealing with to one extent or another. The armour I usually wear is still attached, but it's sort of been on me in a wonky way. There are gaps between the plates, which means a well-placed attack is going to get through.
I mentioned recently getting a speeding ticket while borrowing my dad's car. No biggie, right? But my dad was seriously not impressed, and his reaction to it brought up a whole ton of deep stuff from the past that - frankly - is one area of my life that I've never really gotten a handle on. If you'll allow me to lay my soul bare for a minute... I've always felt like I was never good enough for him, that he was never proud of me.
It's why, when my ex-brother-in-law committed suicide last year, it hit me harder than I would've expected. Growing up he'd been more of a dad to me than my own dad had been. He always had time for me.
I joke about some of it - like the time a few years ago when my mother asked my dad why he'd never told me he loved me, and he replied with "I don't need to. Paul knows I like him.".
Which is pretty funny... but also pretty sad, because it's so true and raw. Don't get me wrong: I know he loves me, and he was just raised in a house where affection was hard to come by. He finds it impossible to express affection, but when you're a kid... that shapes you, and you carry it with you. It's why I've always made sure my kids know I love them and accept them unconditionally.
I've never gotten beyond how disappointed he was when I left Teletext and went freelance. He never approved of me trying to make it as a screenwriter, he repeatedly told me that it would all end in disaster, and made it pretty clear that he thought I was giving up work to be a bum and spend all day lazing around watching telly.
I mean, I've proved him wrong repeatedly, almost working myself into the ground, keeping a roof over my head for decades, raising three brilliant kids, and three step-kids, winning awards for my work, rising to the top of my industry...
But in all honesty, I've never had a single outward nod of approval or acknowledgement for any of that. When I won the Royal Television Society Award for best children's show, I took the statue down to show him, and his response was "Oh". He literally said nothing more than that. Not a word.
I feel for him; it can't be easy not being able to express your feelings - or even pride - for people that I know he loves, but it has also been hard, as his son, to see him give more time to his grandsons - particularly the ones who played football and joined the army - than he ever gave to me. I mean, it really hurts. I've gotten good at ignoring that hurt, at acting like I don't care, that everything is fine, that I don't need it,
But when I choose to get into it, of course I care.
So yes... ha ha, I got a speeding ticket, and feel like a teenager. But there's a whole lot more beneath the surface of what feeling like a teenager means to me, and what it means is that I feel that I'm not good enough for my dad. Like he sees me as this alien creature he just can't relate to. Who likes drawing, and making things, and stupid jokes... rather than 'normal' things like football and the army and cars. I don't even own a car now, so that's another point of connection lost!
Having all this float to the surface has made me feel raw, and vulnerable. So when - as has happened recently - I've felt like I was second fiddle on my own YouTube channel, that being me wasn't enough for a big chunk of the audience who only wanted to see some of the Barshens alumni (even if it has become abundantly clear that a lot of those complaints were from just one person using multiple accounts), it went in rather than bounce off like it normally would.
In the same way that I feel that no matter what I do I will in some way disappoint my dad - even though generally that isn't a conscious feeling - it was starting to feel as if nothing I did on YouTube was good enough for some of the audience.
My tastes, my choices, the things I want to create, how I want to spend my time and my life... it wasn't what people wanted to see. Lost Footage, the storytime videos with Sanja... stuff that has nothing to do with video games... all things that I enjoy, I'd get comments (again, mostly by one or two people pretending to be more) that they were shit, and that I should bring back the other people. You SHOULD do it this way. Should should should. It built up, waiting for a moment of weakness to uncoil in me.
The word 'should' was part of why I ended up so stressed on the set of Digitiser The Show, because rather than being given the space to figure it out, rather than trusting in my process, I was being told what I SHOULD be doing. It's akin to being a kid who's just trying to draw something from their imagination, but somebody is stood at their should offering a constant critique, and telling them what they should be drawing instead.
In the same way I feel that everything I've achieved in my career is irrelevant to my dad, because it's not me being able to score goals, or fight in a war, the same wound was being poked when Digitiser's 27-year existence, everything I've done as Mr Biffo, was starting to feel irrelevant next to the relatively short time I've been collaborating with others on YouTube. Normally, I'd be able to ignore it, brush it aside, but that pesky speeding ticket was the chink in the armour that let it all in.
Hence me being a bit all over the place, changing the channel name, talking about setting up a second channel, and blah blah. I was doubting myself, listening to others, rather than sticking to my guns like I would usually. In short, I was panicking, trying to hold onto what I wanted to do, like clinging to a flagpole in a storm, and ignore the storm. In short: I've been flailing in recent weeks.
The good thing is, I now know I was flailing. All this has given me an opportunity to look at all this baggage over the last couple of days, and now I can get a grip on myself again.
When we were doing our counselling training, Sanja and I jokingly called ourselves The Understanders, because we would dig and dig and dig until we understood where our emotional shit came from, rather than just push it down, and move on.
And hence, that's how I've managed to put these pieces together, as to why things have been getting to me recently more than usual, and as always... there's a point of origin. And in this instance, it's my relationship with my father. Knowing where your feelings and reactions come from is how you get a handle on it. You can't deal with the monster under the bed unless you shine a torch on it. Our monsters only have power over us when they lurk in the shadows.
Consequently, having dragged my monster out from under the bed, and given it a kicking, I feel like I've got a bit of a handle on everything again.
Of course it was wrong to change the name of the channel. Of course Sanja and I shouldn't punt our videos off to a second channel (though we still might, possibly... we'll see, but my belief is we need to send a message that I'm the one constant on Digitiser, and that only works if it isn't always me and Gannon together).
Thing is, Digitiser is a part of me - it is me, as much as Mr Biffo is - and I have to accept that the cold light of YouTube has exposed me to an audience that has no knowledge of who I am, what Digitiser is, and that long history. After a few weeks of wobbles, my armour is back on though. I'm ready to forge ahead, as stubborn as ever.
PLANS!
Now that it's clear that Coronavirus isn't going away anytime soon, it's time to get serious about the channel again. I've loved doing the Storytime videos, but my plan for this year had been to really put some planning and production into the channel. Digitiser Deluxe was kind of the template going forward - a pilot series, if you will, from which I learned a lot.
The new ethos going forwards is that I want the audience to learn something from every video. It doesn't matter what we do; I want there to be substance. I feel the storytime videos offered that. I even feel the recent run of Lost Footage had substance. But that's my goal; we can go off at the usual bizarre tangents, as long as we also have substance.
It's what Digitiser always did best; it aimed to entertain in surreal and silly ways, but it also informed. That's the entirety of the format, and I will check every video to make sure that's on track.
It's weird, however, where inspiration will come from. I don't know how many of you follow me on Twitter, but recently I went down a couple of rabbit holes concerning firstly Billy Bear Ham, of all things, and then Duck Tales. Though they're both completely absurd subjects - especially Billy Bear Ham - I loved doing the research on those threads, and that's what made me realise that there's a whole string to my bow that I've not been using. I mean, I was a journalist, theoretically.
So, for some of the videos going forwards, we're going back to the early days of the Digi Minis, by looking at old tat. One of the subjects I'm currently working on is about the toy Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces. Some of you will know I've long had a bit of a fascination with it, given that it appeared as the puppet sidekick in the Biffovision pilot. I recently bought one on eBay with a view to using it on the channel.
At some point, the dots joined up, and I realised there might be a story behind Hugo. Suffice to say, once I started digging... it was another rabbit hole. I'm hoping we might even be able to do an interview with the man who created it - who was otherwise a cult filmmaker called Alan Ormsby. I'm waiting to hear back from him, so we'll see.
I think I'm also going to do a video about my Duck Tales Twitter thread. I sort of like the idea of taking completely ridiculous, and irrelevant, topics and doing a deep dive into them. Still not being able to be in the same room as Gannon for videos - I've really struggled with wrapping my head around how Zoom calls can work - it seems like the perfect format for us.
I'm also thinking about doing some quizzes with guests over Zoom. I enjoyed doing those on Digitiser Deluxe.
And my favourite ep of Digi Deluxe was the prison food one, so we've some more ideas in that sort of area coming up. One I've wanted to do for ages is a food episode, where we see if we can replace ingredients in recipes with crisps. So; can you have a Margherita pizza, where the cheese is replaced by Quavers...? For instance.
Anyhow, that's where we're at. Thank you for the continued support, and sorry for the whingeing of late, but I'd been going through some stuff. Stay tuned, because I think the channel is going to go from strength to strength.
Lastly, I should say in all this... I love my dad. He's a good man, he's a great grandfather, he'd do anything for any of us, and I know he loves me. It's just that sometimes it would've been nice to hear aloud the words that I know he is incapable of offering.
Paul
Comments
Colin Hughes
I've just come here to say that the Videos of you and Sanja have been my favourites. My wife and I love to sit and watch, it's almost like catching up with some old friends. I've also just noticed that the last posts here are by Colin's with Welsh surnames, which I assure was not planned, or maybe it was and there's an army of Colin's sent from Aberystwyth just to slowly walk behind you. Keep being you Paul.
Colin Jones
Personally I'm here for Digitiser/Mr. Biffo. Cheap Show is good, but they have their own channel; this is yours. What you SHOULD do is what you feel is right. As I said, this is your channel, hang on to it will all the grip you can muster!
Colin Jones
That's quite a post and I'm glad you made it. Sometimes just talking about issues help enormously, especially if you know someone is listening, and as you can see you have that here.
Thomas Thacker
Honestly, of all the stuff you've ever written, this is probably what has resonated with me the most. I simply cannot stress enough how good it was to read about someone else having somewhat similar father issues to me, and hopefully you'll be able to take some comfort to when I say that you are definitely not alone in this. My dad has always had a knack for making me feel utterly useless, ever since childhood. Somehow everything I do is wrong and all I can do is disappoint him. It's what I blame for myself having very little confidence or self-worth. I'm not joking when I say that he even finds it difficult to get his head around the fact that I can hold down a job. I've been in my current job for over two years now (and the one before that over a decade) and working from home since just before the official lockdown began, but every week when we speak on the phone he always starts off by asking me if 'm still furloughed:- "Are you still furloughed?" "Dad, I'm WORKING FROM HOME!!!" "Well that must be a relief. At least you've got some money coming in now then." I've just been given 2 days of extra paid holiday for the month of August as a thank-you from the company for all the extra work I've put in over the last few months... To be clear, this isn't some dodderey old man. He's in his early 60s and still actively working in computer aided design - a very technical profession - for a nuclear weapons facility no less. Echoing some of your comments about what your dad considers "normal", when my dad and I spoke this last weekend he asked me if I'd bought a new car yet (you see, I've had the same car for over 10 years), why I haven't bought a bigger house yet (I heard my step-mum telling him off at this point), and if I was going to be watching the Leicester game - "Oh, so you still haven't developed an interest in football yet?" Everything ends in "yet", as if he's still expecting me to suddenly become the person he's always wanted me to be - someone he can relate to. I could go on and on... about how he thinks I'm utterly inept... how he can't accept that my mum doesn't come 'round every day to cook and clean for me... that a bacon sandwich isn't a special treat for me because I can't prepare anything more complex than a bowl of cereal... It's the reason I'm so stubbornly self sufficient and have difficultly asking for or accepting help from other people; in my head doing so would make me a failure and prove that he's been right all along. I have to be independant just to constantly reassure myself that I'm capable of being independent because it's so ingrained into me that I'm useless and can't do anything right. He's able to say the words though, every call ends with "OK, bye. Love you!", but without his approval, respect or pride in me they always seem hollow. But fathers eh? We all have to have had one. It's a basic law of nature, or biology, or something like that...
Hedders
That Philip Larkin knew what he was talking about. Thanks for sharing this - good to know I'm not the only one!
simon daly
It was a spectacularly nasty attack. Is how I see it. this sort of thing can leach to those around you so im glad to hear of this progress. I really appreciate you opening up your personal life like this. Working through this stuff personally is one thing. To be able to share openly is a whole other deal. I want to build an audience for my own work. I don't think I have what it takes to put my own real life out there like you have as part of it though. So thank you for doing that today. I see how it is. And how tough it is. Centering you in your videos sounds cool, like your the uncle Walt of Digitiser showing us round the office before things kick off. Finding anchor points that are loose enough that you can make any pivot whilst being strong enough that people feel like they're getting what they expect is a challenge. So having your physical presence as a unifying element makes sense to me. I look forward to seeing the continuing refinement.
Treacle Truffle
I can very much relate to the feeling of distance you have with your dad. It's only in the last couple of years as he's hit his mid eighties (and me my mid forties) that me and my dad have had any sort of father and son relationship. The only time he's even said he loved me is when he's written βlove from Dad" on a Christmas or Birthday card, and even then only in response to me writing it first. I know he's always felt a sense of disappointment in me, from my not sharing his interests to his taking no interest in mine. Through my career choices and my marriage (which he attended but left before the wedding cake was served). As Horsenburger observed above, parents are strange creatures. As always much love to you and Sanja, and thank you for all the entertainment and happiness you continue to generate.
Jason Salisbury
Thanks for the insight into your current stuff. It's always good to be able to understand someone's troubles and understand how tough it is to do all this youtube stuff on top of everything else. Glad you're getting a handle on it yourself and adapting in the face of our new "normal". Myself, I'm a couple years younger than you and haven't spoken to my parents in about 10 years now. Sadly, it's mostly because my father views me as a burden he was saddled with because he forgot the rubber when he was 17. So me not living up to his standards was the least of my worries. Sad that it means my mother won't cross "enemy lines" due to my father's emotional volatility but you learn to manage somewhat....kind of. But your videos help people with issues much like your own and help us to smile and enjoy ourselves a bit more. So thanks for being you and for sharing your own troubles with us. And thanks to Sanja too for jumping in and being a more onscreen part of the channel in the face of new challenges. You both have helped make all this crap a bit better for those of us that follow. Keep kicking ass!
Tyronne Mann
For me I do not feel that my Patreon is going to some stranger to enable them to dance for my entertainment, I see it as supporting a friend who creates stuff that I like to see, so you carry on doing whatever you want do and I am sure we will all watch it...otherwise why else would we be here? :) As for parents, once you realise that they are just as flawed as the rest of us then you no longer need to live upto their ideal as they do not have anymore of a clue than anyone else - unless you are extremly fortunate life is simply winging things as they come your way and it is/was no different for them.
Vicky Winstanley
We love all the videos you make, we know that its your channel and not Barshens (spit) and thats why we keep turning in. I would suggest that now would be an awesome time to make a short 1 min channel trailer so you can define in that min what you do for new folk finding you. It could just be a complication of you and gannon screaming and throwing up, ending with beanus! I'm sure you can make something more creative though. Sending love to you and Sanja. Hope she is doing OK as I saw she's taking a twitter break.
Horsenburger
You know we've know each over for almost 40 years now, and not a day has past that I haven't been the absolutely proudest to have known and been a small part of your life, you are an amazing friend, husband, dad, creative bombshell and inspiration, love you Paul. To see how happy you and Sanja are and how you work so well together is uplifting, never stop being who you are for anyone. But parent are strange creatures, and I know that far too well. I think its our job not to bring that baggage to our kids and I know you certainly have not done that.
Wayne Dearden
I know just what you mean about not feeling good enough by a parent's standards. My Father hasn't spoken to me for 33 years and my Mother still doesn't actually understand what I do for a living, I'm a welder/fabricater and she calls it "faffing about" and "not a proper job" despite me being able to pay all the bills and having a career that I actually enjoy as well as keeping a roof over our heads and able to feed and clothe my kids. Me and the Mrs love watching the Paul and Sanja videos! You can just see the whole chemistry between you both and you both clearly have the same weird sense of humour! Take care Wayne
Steph Allman
Knowing where our vulnerabilities come from is our biggest strength. And you have to really look at them to move on. When I was in my early 20s I lost someone to suicide, really shaped me as a person never acknowledged that until last year and was nearly twenty years ago. You do have to put the torch on the monster to see what you are dealing with. A lovely piece. Keep doing what you want. I just look forward to all updates be they wordy emotional joyous rambly insights, videos with Sanja or anyone and now songs.
Paul
Glad you got to the bottom of it all. On the plus side, during a time of doubt you increased your most loyal fan base (on here.) Says a lot.
John Veness
Much love and understanding, Paul. Please take care.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Thanks, you. It's worth a lot. I think they're my favourite thing on there too.
Nicola
For what it's worth, I am here for the Paul and Sanja vids. They are my favourite thing on the channel.
Stu The Brummie
Don't forget to take some time for you! There seems to be a lot going on! π
