MrBiffo
patreon
BIFFO'S 10 COMMANDMENTS - PART 3
🕑 Added 2020-01-30 13:19:58 +0000 UTC3. DON'T FEEL THE PRESSURE TO SOCIALISE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO
I've got so much better at saying no as I've gotten older, and way better at not doing things I don't want to do. You can't avoid it all, of course; we still have to, y'know, sometimes do stuff that we'd rather not be doing in order to earn money, or because we've got domestic responsibilities. We still have to pay our taxes and whatnot.
But I used to feel a pressure to socialise much more than I do now. I had this little voice in my head which told me that going out and being sociable somehow made me normal. I ignored the fact it would, on some level, debilitate me. The difference now is I don't care anymore if somebody is offended that I don't want to go out, or thinks I'm boring.
I've become far better at appreciating my own needs, and realising that I'm at my happiest, and feel most replenished, when I'm not doing very much at all. I'd much rather sprawl on the sofa all weekend watching a boxset with my nearest and dearest than go sit in a pub. I like being in my safe, cosy, bubble, and I won't apologise for that.
Admittedly part of this is because I don't really drink anymore. Hangovers just aren't worth it, and I don't want to waste the next half of my life by spending any part of it blurred by booze, followed by days recovering.
My idea of a good night out is doing something that's not just sitting around chatting. I've got such a short attention span these days, and I don't have the capacity for smalltalk like I once did. If I'm going out I'd rather go with a bunch of friends to some immersive theatre thing, or - I dunno - Go Ape. Some sort of shared, new, experience.
Everyone is different, though. My best friend seems to be at a different gig every night of the week. He's never pictured without a beer in his hand, at some concert venue or pub. I get exhausted just looking his Facebook photos. I've stopped trying to keep up with him. And that's okay.
2. GETTING OLD ISN'T ALL BAD
I'm 49 this year. Writing that down makes it seem really old, but in a lot of ways I feel younger now than I did in my 30s. I've got a clarity of thought and emotion that I never had back then. I'm more secure in who I am, I've very little in the way of anxiety or insecurity. I've learned to - mostly - roll with the punches that life throws. I know who I am, and I like who I am. I've made peace with my mistakes, and no longer beat myself up for them.
(Side note: one brilliant tip I got was to carry around a photo of myself as a kid - whenever I started railing on myself I'd take out the photo of little me and imagine I was saying those things to him. It helped me to learn to go easier on myself, and put things in perspective. I did it for years...)
Consequently, I'd much rather be the age I am now than at any other age I've been. I'm lucky, I know, in that my life has gone in a positive direction. I know a lot of my current happiness is finding myself in a relationship with the right person, but it's more to do with changes on the inside.
Everything I ever messed up, every grim patch in my life, brought me to right now. Admittedly, I wish I'd acted a bit sooner in certain circumstances. I do wish my 30s hadn't been quite so profoundly miserable, but if they hadn't been I wouldn't have been propelled to fix both my life and myself. It took a while, of course. It didn't change overnight. I'm pretty sure that I went into my 30s with not just a sense of determination, but also bunch of damage to fix - I was never officially diagnosed, but looking back I think I was suffering from PTSD.
It's an old cliche, of course, that everything happens for a reason, but getting some perspective on my life - from where I'm at today - really does demonstrate it. Wherever you are in life, however insurmountable the challenges you face might seem, you can fix it.
That said, I do worry about certain inevitabilities that are heading my way. My parents are both in their mid-80s, and I know they won't be around forever. I worry about my kids, and where their lives are headed. I worry that others will see me as old and past it, and work opportunities will dry up as a consequence; ageism is very real in my industry. I worry about the unavoidable physical effects of ageing, though take some comfort in how robust my mum and dad seem to be.
I've actually stopped eating meat in the last few weeks (still eating fish for now, though). I've been meaning to for ages, but I'm a bit like an oil tanker; it takes me forever to change course. It's the first step, I hope, in looking after my body a bit better. Wish I didn't find exercise for the sake of it such a bloody chore though...
That said, I know there's much ahead to look forward to. My eldest daughter gets married this year, and to say I'm excited at the thought of becoming a grandparent is an understatement. I can't bloody wait.
1. LOVE IS REAL
Before I met Sanja, I honestly didn't think romantic love existed.
I had a pretty cynical view of it. I knew the love I had for my children was real, I knew I loved my family. But I'd seen so many relationships where people stuck together for the kids, or the mortgage, or just out of habit. Couples who seemed to hate one another. I thought that was normal. And I thought that once that first flush of romance fades away that you'd slip into that going-through-the-motions thing, resentment building up over time... but I've been lucky; I love Sanja more now than ever.
I just want to hang out. Like, all the time. She's my best friend. I never find her boring, or annoying. We make each other laugh. And it feels like I've already spent too much of my life without her, so why would I ever want to waste another minute apart?
I think at first I was kind of a bit self-conscious about this. I thought people would accuse us of being too clingy with one another, and maybe we are in some eyes. But it works for us. It might not work for you, and you might find someone - or already have found someone - where you have different needs to us, but you're compatible in your own way. Whatever. If it works... never apologise for it. Don't feel any pressure to change what's already working, just roll with it.
What I have learned that it's just about finding that right person. We're all different. We all need different things. Just hold out for the missing piece to your unique jigsaw. I didn't find mine until I was nearly 40. If you're still waiting... don't give up hope.
Comments
Dominic-Jo Miller
I think I'm going to get a friend to do these in calligraphy to frame for my wall, the three pieces have been fantastic to read.
Jason Salisbury
This post was so touching that I'm not even going to cuss anybody. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Vicky Winstanley
I agreed with all of these, especially number 1. After a string of crappy relationships, a divorce and being dumped because I was "too independent", I had found myself single and accepting that I probably won't find my knight in shining armour, more likely a dick in tin foil, on internet dating sites. The only reason I went on any date was for fodder for a book I was writing about the wonderful world of internet dating (still in progress). Then I met Gavin and everything changed. What you have described about your relationship with Sanja could be said about us too. We share the same birthday too which is very uncommon, but I've found my lobster. It is wonderful to see you and Sanja together, and to see more of her on Digi too. Thank you for being you x
In my line of work I see a lot of the general public from all walks of life, and it makes me sad that these kind of relationships are seen as the societal norm. Toxic relationships, couples who feel like they should be together, it makes me so sad to see. I can name the amount of happy relationships I know on one hand. But I'm the one who is seen as unusual because I am single. I have a cousin who is the same age as me, she is married with 8 children. Everytime I visit my grandparents they will take her family portrait off the shelf and show me, and say what a good granddaughter she is whilst looking at me with disdain. This expectation is draining for people like myself and many others who are still holding out hope. For those like me, keep going, and do what is best for you! I'm so glad that you and Sanja are happy together, she is so lovely and you can see the love you have for each other, it's beautiful π₯°π I wish your daughter all the best with her upcoming wedding! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!
John Veness
Thanks for these, Paul. Oof.
Rich John
Seeing you and Sanja on camera together is really fun - it's clear that you're both very comfortable with each other. Good for you man. I'm in my mid 40's and still holding out hope. Also, on the exercise front, I'm very lucky that I work in a nice location where I can take longish walks at lunchtime with friends from work, during the week, and where I live at weekends. It doesn't need to be proper exercise and stuff. Just getting some fresh air does wonders. These top 3 are beautiful advice, and I've come to much the same conclusions as I hit my 40s. Cheers Biffo.
na plz
Well that made my hangover a bit better, thanks. Definitely still waiting, any chance of a lonely hearts section on the Friday letters page? :)
Chai
The 'couples who seem to hate each other' is such a frustratingly normalised thing in a lot of western culture and western media, and it frustrates me. The whole 'ball and chain' thing. It's BULLSHIT. Obviously I'm only 20, Bishop's only 19, who knows what'll happen, but I simply adore him. It's a comfortable warmth, a feeling that things are Right. When we disagree, it doesn't devolve into fighting because we communicate. Love is real and love is wonderful. I'm so glad you and Sanja found one another <3 Also, I hope you get a grandchild/grandchildren to adore soon!! :D
Nicola
This is delightful
