MrBiffo
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BIFFO'S 10 COMMANDMENTS - PART TWO
🕑 Added 2020-01-27 10:14:27 +0000 UTC6. IT’S OKAY TO GIVE UP ON SOMEONE
I’ve been in a situation where I’ve spent a long time trying to help somebody who ultimately didn’t want the help. Or, at least, wasn’t being helped by my trying to help.
It’s tangential to what I was saying about rescuing – and charity and kindness being actually quite selfish acts at their core – but it’s more about not wasting your life. That might sound cruel, but when I’ve certainly had friends who were in bad situations, who bemoaned their lot, talked about wanting to change, but wouldn’t listen to the advice I thought they wanted.
Walking away from somebody who’s like that is hard – especially if it’s a friend – but sometimes it’s the only course of action. You can’t live for someone else. You get one life, and if you want to spend it helping others… help those who’ll really benefit from the help. Not those who don’t really want to change.
When I did my psychotherapy training, there were people in the group who were clearly far too comfortable in what was for a long time a loving, supportive, almost cloying, environment. Over time I started to see far too much of that, and it wasn’t useful or healthy.
Without wishing to break confidentiality, I saw examples of individuals testing the support network, ramping up their crises because they knew they could rely on the rescuing instinct of others, who would rally round. In my experience, most of the people who train to be therapists are pretty broken. Some fundamentally so. And therapy training – if you’re engaging with it properly, as I think I was – can be intense. It’ll tear you apart before it puts you back together.
However, there was one particular incident – that I shan’t go into detail over – that I felt was clearly an effort to exploit the kindness of others, and I wasn’t having it. It was a turning point in the class for me, where I stopped engaging with all the touchy-feely stuff, and started calling it out. I felt we were all dancing around home truths, and we needed to be more honest with one another. I was quite proud that I had the support of my tutors, if not all of my peers. Oh, a few of them pretty much hated me by the end, but therapy isn’t about enabling somebody’s pain. It’s not telling them what they want to hear, but what they need to hear.
Years before, I also had this one friend who crashed hard after his mum died. It was heartbreaking to see him drinking heavily, making bad choices. I spent two years trying to support him and drag him out of where he’d ended up… I would see him and listen to him talking about how terrible his life was, how he couldn’t go on, and he became more and more dependent on me… It would reach a point where I was putting my own domestic issues to the side to help him. I’d offer advice as to how he could turn his life around, and he would actually get angry with me. That was the tipping point, and it took too long coming.
Perhaps tellingly, it was in the two years where we didn’t speak to one another – after I finally lost it with him – that he started to claw his way back up.
5. AUTISM IS EVERYWHERE
Since one of my kids was diagnosed with autism a few years back – which made sense of so much - I’ve read a fair bit about it, and realised how many of us have autistic traits. In fact, I’ve realised how many of us might actually have full-blown autism, and don’t even know it.
I wish I didn’t do it, but – be they people I meet, family members, friends, celebrities (hello, George Lucas!) - I’m always diagnosing people in my head. It’s useful to a point, because I kind of then brace myself for how I might handle them, and I’ll make allowances.
Trust me; autistic people can be incredibly frustrating and annoying, but it’s also not their fault. They’re also brilliant and unique, and see the world in a completely different way. Even though it must be terrifying to exist in the world, not really understanding other people. I mean, it’s terrifying enough even when you aren’t autistic.
But at the same time – as frustrating as it can be - I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. The internet has just made it all worse, because it’s even harder to read a person’s intent in text alone, and I have to remember that there may be other facts at play if somebody is taking at face value some stupid statement I’ve made.
I know that some autistic people can take things literally, or have a completely different interpretation of events (or, to put it less charitably, can lie outright, and will absolutely look you dead in the eyes and not back down). That can be scary if you’re on the receiving end of it, as I have been a few times.
In short: autism is way, way more common than I ever realised.
Tangentially, another of my daughters is now a teacher for kids with severe autism. I’m proud of all my children.
4. THERAPY ISN’T WHAT YOU THINK IT IS
I lost a lot of faith in the therapy industry by the end of my training. I’d received my fitness to practice certificate, but I couldn’t go on with it because I didn’t agree with the way the course was being run. In short, I felt that people were being passed to the next stage when they weren’t remotely ready to become counsellors, because without students the course was at risk of having its funding taken away.
When everyone in the class received their fitness to practice, that’s when I quit. I thought it was unethical, knowing that the following year some of those people were going to be sitting opposite vulnerable clients. And the clients wouldn’t know that their “therapist” was still, essentially, in training. Or that their therapist didn’t have the necessarily skills or experience to help them. It felt like the tutors were playing with people’s lives just so they could keep their income.
There were a series of steps along the way before I reached the point where I quit. Some of it I mention above, but I also had to be in therapy as part of my training, and I was disillusioned with the quality of the therapists I saw. Having failed to stick with one who I felt was any good, one of my tutors eventually recommended a friend of hers who was an art therapist, who she felt could keep up with me.
I went to see her for a few months, and it was… okay. Better than the previous ones. But then one day in class my tutor told me that the reason she’d recommended her is that her husband is a notable comedy scriptwriter. One who I knew of. Who you would certainly have heard of too. Who I had probably been in a room with more than once. Who I share many mutual friends with.
This broke a ton of rules that had been laid out on day one of our training; we’re not meant to know anything about our therapists’ lives (of course I went and Googled him afterwards, and learned all sorts I shouldn’t have known…), we’re not meant to have dual relationships with them (and the very real possibility that I could’ve been friends with her husband was an example of dual relationships) – and this was all because of a tutor, somebody who should’ve known better. When I told the therapist I couldn’t see her any more, she told me I “needed” another six weeks of therapy. Which, oddly, would’ve more or less paid for the new expensive washing machine I knew she’d just bought. I declined.
Then there was the realisation that most therapists’ clients are either other therapists or therapists-in-training. The entire industry is kind of self-supporting, and all of that mixed together left a rather unpleasant taste in my mouth.
That said, therapy can be a great thing. If you find a good therapist – and please don’t settle on the first one you come across – then they can really help. Don’t even settle for the firtst type of therapy you try; go for person-centred, but be open to others, such as CBT. But you also shouldn’t just think it’s like waving a magic wand. You need to do the work yourself; read up on how we work. Do your own therapy at home too. Dedicate your time to it. You can’t just go along once a week expecting one person to solve all your issues. Take responsibility.
Comments
Jason Salisbury
Therapy in America is a bit of a zoo these days. I went to a psychologist for a year who did no therapy, none. After a year I cancelled appointments due to an insurance issue, the issue was that the office sent me a bill before my insurance even got it, by the way. The psychologist never contacted me even after the billing issue was settled. I never felt more ripped off in my life. Even after hearing of all my anxieties about health insurance and money and none of it mattered. A woman who knew all about my almost daily thoughts of suicide, never even checked in. Thankfully, I had much better experiences with therapy years ago but in America it's becoming a cash cow and that sucks.
Steve Bowers
I suffer with anxiety, mild bi polar im a ptsd survivor and having read the article you wrote i agree with you 100%. Therapy aint a magic wand it has its uses i believe the only person who can fix yourself is yourself. Ive had a battle for 20+ years its under control to a point i struggle to function sonedays but i wear the mask of im fine. But most recently ive not worn it as i wasnt being true to myself and actually a lot more happier
Treacle Truffle
The comment on finding the right therapy and therapist is something that I totally understood. A few years back my life went off the rails (completely my own doing), and part of the process identified for helping me was CBT. This was the only option offered and took the form of weekly group sessions led by people who were not qualified therapists but who had their work reviewed by someone who was. I got very little from it and found it incredibly stressful, eventually just feeding back the answers I knew were wanted in order to tick off another objective and get out the door as quickly as possible.
Dominic-Jo Miller
Last night, I had to call a friend out for how they've been acting for the second time in a year, and honestly, your sixth commandment couldn't have come at a better time as some kind of omen or sign. As sad as it is, I think I have given up on that person, and the worst thing is, I don't feel bad about it at all. (Also, does your bit about autism mean that I can now say "Mr. Biffo thinks I'm brilliant and unique." as a technical truth?)
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
You're absolutely right. It's not something any of us SHOULD do - I have no clinical experience. It's not something I'm doing in a clinical setting, more a personal, day-to-day, observation. Like most of us do. But it's not something I can switch off awareness of either, and it helps that I have awareness of doing it. Ultimately, it doesn't make a real difference to how I treat anyone.
Nicola
I'd like to offer a bit of general advice, it ,might not be applicable at all, but it's based on patterns I saw when I did practice therapy for a couple of years and saw the industry from the inside too. If you are diagnosing people you've never met, or only interacted with over the internet, or only met breifly, that could directly affect the experience you have with those people when you socialise with them. If you're preparing for people to be annoying and frustrating, then your behaviour will be geared for that, and that's what you'll notice and amplify in your mind, and that's the experience you're more likely to have. Also, you should know you cannot do an armchair diagnosis on a celeb. If you do, you're likely to project that impression on to everything they do. If you're finding yourself doing those things, maybe it's having more of an effect on your relationships than you realise. I'm not saying it IS, just saying these are good questions for every therapist to ask themselves from time to time. I've also seen people take the reluctance to play the role of resucer too far. I'm not saying you do that, but it's a thing to watch out for, and I mention it because you talk about it here. If there is a problem, if you're seeing someone in pain and your instinct is just to let them get on with it and hit rock bottom, and maybe instead of reaching out to them, you blog about the fallout of it to your followers - then you might have a problem getting that balance right. I'm not saying that's something you do, it's just a tendancy I've noticed in therapists and counsellors over the years, and I care about you. Remember how you noticed that most therapists’ clients are either other therapists or therapists-in-training? There are reasons for that, and I don't know if the industry is designed to be self supporting, or is just that way by accident because things like the above mess people up. Either way, it's a big reason why I got out of it too. That, and when someone is a GOOD therapist, it's far too easy for them to gain a cult-like following. It's a terrible industry and can mess people up way too easily. That is all. I read you every time you post.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
I should stress again that therapy can really work, but it's about the experience and quality of the therapist, and whether there's chemistry there with the client. The latter is something you can't manufacture. Therapy is a relationship, ultimately, and just like any relationship you need a therapist who "gets" you. You should never settle on the first one, but as you correctly say... ultimately it comes down to you doing the work yourself. Really, really hope it works out for you.
Dave Graves
Damn...don't press enter! But anyway. Reading this has given me a fascinating insight into the world of therapy, and highlights some of the reasons why aspects of it haven't quite worked for me yet. Taking personal responsibility. I've been happy suffering, as perverse as that sounds. But started keto 2 weeks ago. The very act of gripping something myself is bringing me out. I'm ex forces, officer, so have achieved much with a driven eccentric personality. I think when people didn't get it, it simply exposed my raw core and meant I had to deal with new situations without adult coping mechanisms...hence fall back on raw childish core... ADHD? So relearn, with support...but only I can do it. Thanks Paul. Your insights are welcome.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
Hope you get the help you need, Dave.
Dave Graves
I'm in the system at the moment. Assessment for adult ADHD this week. Fluoxetine for months. My coping mechanisms for life gave up after a job change into a ridiculous money wasting public employer. Essentially I was hired to be the expert...but nobody listens. Dark behaviour surfaced.
Paul Rose (Mr Biffo)
You're absolutely right of course; we can all be dicks and frustrating and annoying! I absolutely wasn't singling out autistic people - and never would, being the father of one, and knowing full well the Digi fanbase has a lot of them in it. Some of my best friends in the world are autistic! They're brilliant, and I dunno what it says about me, but I often relate better, and am more relaxed around, autistic people than neurotypicals. Plus in my experience one autistic person can be as different from another as anyone can, albeit with certain commonalities. It's more the mental/emotional processes behind it that I'm referring to, from my own experiences. As far as I'm concerned... the world is made up of lots of people, and some of them just happen to be autistic. I'm not even a massive fan of the label, to be honest.
Chai
I'm autistic, my half-brother is autistic, both of my parents are autistic. Autism is extremely prevalent. "Trust me; autistic people can be incredibly frustrating and annoying" I mean, so can non-autistic people. It's super annoying when I'm asking for explicit instructions and a non-autistic person is giving me vague, wishy-washy ones. It's super frustrating when I'm having a meltdown and non-autistic people call it a 'tantrum' or tell me to 'grow up'. I'd argue that just PEOPLE can be frustrating and annoying, and because autistic people's accessibility needs are widely ignored and often ridiculed, our needs are framed as especially annoying or frustrating when in fact we're just trying our best. "or, to put it less charitably, can lie outright, and will absolutely look you dead in the eyes and not back down" Plenty of non-autistic people do this too. People with no tells or signs or experiences that match autism except a need to lie - narcissists especially. It might be down to me interpreting your writing incorrectly (very on topic, haha) but implying that that's just an autism thing is factually incorrect. Thank you for highlighting the need to try different types of therapy, though. I went through years and years of CBT via CAMHS as a kid and teenager and it made me worse. I repeatedly told them it was making me worse. Finally got an adult mental health assessment and was diagnosed with OCPD. They told me that CBT would be the WORST possible thing for me because broadly it's attempting to teach more control over emotions and actions, when the issue with many people with OCPD is having too MUCH control. I hate the idea that a couple of talking therapy sessions or a couple of CBT sessions will work for everyone.
John Veness
Thanks for these posts, Paul. These are some harsh truths.
