MrBiffo
patreon
BACK/NOT BACK
🕑 Added 2019-09-05 09:58:02 +0000 UTCSo, yeah... I'm back. But I'm also not really back. Or sort of semi-back. If my time away demonstrated one thing... it's that it's going to take more than a week in Mallorca to recharge my batteries.
It's weird. I've always gotten exhausted around August, taken a holiday... and then been raring to go again... but this year I'm genuinely teetering on the verge of burn-out.
Actually, that's not entirely true. It's the part of my brain which does written stuff - long-winded personal blog posts for Patreon supporters don't count(!) - that is the most depleted.
When it comes to videos and stuff, it seems I've a ton of "juice" left in the tank. Editing, or arsing around making videos, feels more like playing. It's restorative, whereas, for the first time in the five years since I launched Digitiser2000, writing posts on there has come to feel a bit like work. Which I never wanted it to do.
So, I'm just saying... bear with me. I'll get my writing muse back. Part of the issue is that my day job is still rumbling along much later than usual - I normally get the autumn to focus on my own stuff - so I'm conserving resources for that. Two more weeks, they assure me, and then I'm free.
In the meantime... the videos will continue, and we'll be sorting out the Kickstarter backer rewards, and I've a few other ideas up my sleeve for things I want to do as soon as I get time.
And I thank you in advance for telling me to take care of myself and not worry; I'm pretty good at the self-care when it gets to this stage, and won't push myself unduly. I know that I can only run so fast for so long.
OTHER THINGS
I've also had a bit of a punishing summer on a purely personal front. I've mentioned on here about my uncle's death, but I also got the news yesterday that my sister's ex-husband has tried to take his own life via an insulin overdose, and is currently on life-support.
He was a massive figure during my formative years - more than I've ever felt able to consciously acknowledge until now - and the closest thing I ever had to a big brother growing up. You've possibly seen me write about Jimbob - the first American I ever met, and the reason why I fell in love with Disney theme parks, and road trips, and American culture. As my wife pointed out to me yesterday, I talk about him a lot. More than I was aware until now.
I'm incredibly sad about it. They split up when I was in my late-teens, and I was crushed at the time... but I just pushed it aside, because of how angry everyone was. I've not seen him in 30 years, and the narrative in our family is that the guy is a "bastard" for leaving her with two young children... yet my memories of him are almost all good.
Sometimes we have that disconnect; that sense of what we actually feel, and what we're told we "should" feel, but much as we may try to honour the latter, the truth usually wins. Much as we may try to fight our own experiences and our emotions, or bury them, they're still there.
I only ever knew the insanely generous, fun, Jimbob who would sit with me and make model space shuttles, or show me how to build rocket launchers, or take me to air shows, or show me around his work. I idolised him, that six-and-a-half-feet tall, softly-spoken, hick from Georgia. Utterly idolised him. He was, for a long time, my favourite person on the planet.
Directly related to Mark Twain, Jimbob grew up in a swamp, called my parents "Sir" and "Ma'am", and you couldn't have found somebody more stereotypically Southern.
I even have a tradition that whenever I do visit the US, I can't officially start the holiday until I've heard More Than A Feeling by Boston, because I have such a fond memory of listening to that song while he and I drove through the desert in his pick-up truck.
MY NEPHEWS
I wish my nephews could've experienced that person. I wish he hadn't just disappeared and cut off all contact with them. It feels like such an unnecessary waste of a life, and it makes me sad to think what may have happened to him in the last 30 years that would lead him to this point. It upsets me to think they never got to know the man I knew. They are, understandably, angry, because now they're never going to get the answers he has denied them.
The summer after my niece and grandad died, we visited my sister and Jim at their home on Edwards Air Force Base. It was my first time in America, and it was the first time in months that we had laughed. Because of that trip, we could - just for moments here and there - forget the utter devastation that had been wrought on our family, and it set us on a path to recovery.
America, for me, has always since had that healing quality; it's a place I can go to forget, to heal, to recharge. Cast aside politics, or the many divisions over there... I still mostly see it as a fantasy place; my Narnia.
I remember everything about that first visit, from the smell of the air as we stepped out of LAX, to struggling to take in the openness and scale of the Mojave desert, to the magic of my first visit to Disneyland and the way the trees lit up after dark... playing Dungeons & Dragons with my sister's neighbours, my first taste of beef jerky, the weird ringpulls on the cans of Coke... It was so alien, so utterly foreign, but everything was so exciting.
You know how sometimes we chase that first feeling of something, but we never quite achieve it? Like, that first time you experienced a certain sensation, or a certain song, but you will never entirely manage to recapture that feeling of hearing it, or feeling it, for the first time? I never have that with America.
Every time I go there, visit a Disney theme park, eat some buffalo wings, watch the Weather Channel - it feels like the first time. And I'm realising now that a major part of the reason why is because it connected me to him, the brother I lost 30 years ago, and appear to be losing all over again, for the last time.
I'm going over there next month, visiting LA, driving through the desert, stopping off at Disneyland... but this time I think it'll feel different.
Paul
Comments
John Lindsay
Apologies if it sounded insensitive, it was in no way meant to be. I'm often known guy with the terrible joke trying to put a smile on people's faces, but can't always read a room well either.
John Lindsay
I don't think I can say anything anyone else hasn't already said about the recent events in your life. Very sorry to hear that. I'm glad I read through the whole post before immediately referring to the sentence about "juice in the tank" in the form of a cheap innuendo. Sorry, timing has never been my forte.
David Mallett
So sorry to hear that, I think we all know how bad near burn out can feel, even without the additional stress. You and the rest of the crew always seem to be more like friends like just random YouTube people (in a non-stalking creepy way), so we've got your back, do what you need, we'll still be here.
Conor Mcvarnock
Sorry for your loss man, you take your time.
Greg Lindsey
Wow, Paul — that whole bit about your sister’s ex really eerily reminded me of my uncle. He had a very similar story: I did coding work for him early on, and he basically bought me my first computer of my own, as well as our SNES. He was pleasant, ebullient, and most importantly, listened to me during a time when almost everyone just tuned me out (since I tended to be a chatterbox nerd). He probably did cocaine, I learned later. In hindsight this makes a *lot* of sense. Anyways, at some point he just snapped, left his family, and ended up joining a theosophical cult out in the desert. At least, I think that’s what happened - I was a kid, and so we didn’t always get the real picture. But it really crushed me, and still does to some extent. Anyways, thanks for sharing your story. You take the time you need to be okay!
Dominoid
Also, if there's anything that I can do to help ease the load on you during a trying time for you, please let me know, I'll be happy to lend a hand if it would be useful.
Dominoid
I'm so sorry about all the hardships you've had to deal with. Thanks for sharing it with us though, and I hope that doing so is helpful for you in some way. I'm sure you know that we are all happy to wait for content if you need to look after yourself first. The stuff you put out is absolutely worth waiting for. And besides, we waited over a decade to get Digi back so it's not like we're impatient!
John Veness
Thanks for this post, Biffo. I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but I like your written work most of all your output. But if we can't get it on D2K then I'm very happy we can get it on Patreon! I'm sorry to hear about Jimbob. I hope he pulls through. I'm glad you get good feelings from visiting the US (and good call on More Than A Feeling), and I hope they will continue in the future. It is nice to still have some magical feelings in our lives. I will say it anyway: you take care of yourself, and don't worry unduly about D2K or anything else. I, like most I'm sure, back you because I want you to put your creative urges into whatever you want. All the best.
Kelvin Green
All the best, Biffster. It's weird losing someone that you've already lost in a way; I had something similar with my mother and I expect the same again with my father. You've still got the happy memories of Jimbob, so I hope you can still hold on to those. If you need any more time to get up to speed, I doubt anyone would blame you.
Chai
I'm so sorry to hear about your ex-brother in law. I won't pretend to know the challenges you're facing, but I sincerely hope that time will help. I hope your nephews are doing okay, too. I totally get what you mean about actual feelings vs feeling the way people expect you to feel. My paternal grandmother attempted to murder me and my mum as I was being born, and as I obviously have no memory of this, everyone expects me to be over it and not affected by it whatsoever, and happy to meet my paternal grandmother. I am not. It absolutely haunts me knowing I could have been snuffed out so early on and I never want to meet the woman. It's funny, how people think they know how you SHOULD feel, and never stop to consider your perspective and experiences. Anyway, all that to say - I hope 2020 is the best year you've ever had. I hope you're refreshed, recharged and doing what you love. I hope your family faces no more loss and hardship. <3
