MrBiffo
patreon
SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND
🕑 Added 2019-10-12 09:36:31 +0000 UTCHappy Saturday, gang! I thought I'd just check in with you all before I take a break.
I suspect many of you will be up in Blackpool this weekend. Here's hoping it's going to be an excellent Play Expo.
I confess... I'd been invited onto a panel, and even asked about doing a sort of Digitiser Live Lite, but the offer came right after I was recovering from the live show in July, and I was hesitant about confirming.
Plus, the other Digitiser The Show hosts either couldn't, or didn't want to, go... so I'd have somehow been left doing it by myself. Even now, I'm never entirely comfortable being in the spotlight on my own.
Then I booked this holiday, and didn't really fancy having to trek up to Blackpool a couple of days before going away, so I backed out. I was replaced by Iain Lee and Big Boy Barry. God help you all.
Anyhow. State of play.
LOOK AT THE STATE OF THAT
There's the Digi Mini going up this Sunday - which some of you will have already seen - all about the miracle of dry ice. I don't know yet whether there'll be one the following Sunday. It depends whether I wake up on Monday feeling like I want to edit something.
Either way, there's going to be a break in transmission, which I think the channel needs, for a while. I'm now accepting that the two-a-week schedule was probably a mistake, and I feel like people are sick of us...! One a week might even be too much. Dunno.
We did some filming yesterday with Ashens. He was a trooper, as always, though Paul and I were both depleted from the epic recording session for Cheapshow 150 the previous night (it'll be an interesting one; it's quite Digi-heavy in some curious ways, but I don't feel I was on my best form... though I enjoyed doing some "acting").
On top of that, neither Paul nor I had gotten much in the way of sleep before yesterday's session, while Sanja had a tooth extracted a couple of days ago, so even she wasn't feeling it either.
I'm frustrated, because it was the first filming where it seemed like we were forcing it, a bit, and I regret that we had a guest there for that. If it had just been the regulars, we'd have probably knocked it on the head, and admitted it wasn't happening.
I don't want the Minis to ever feel like we're going through the motions, but due to not having had the time to really plan this session, and not having the focus, inspiration, or energy we needed to step up... that's how it seemed.
The plan had been to think through these eps a bit more before we started filming them, but we never got the time to do it. Stuart deserved better really.
That said, I don't think any of that will come across on screen - Stuart was, of course, superb, and mucked in with aplomb - it was more that I had to dig deep to deep to find the energy I needed, but I still remained annoyingly unfocused and scatty. I'm pretty sure it'll come together well in the edit, though (and I'll make damn sure it does, for Stuart's sake).
I mean, the dry ice mini turned out great, but it was an absolute beast to pull together, because we shot it last that day, and hadn't really planned anything beyond "We've got some dry ice"...!
Ironically, the funniest Mini we shot yesterday had me dressed as a ghost, which - regrettably - I probably won't put out, as my costume on-camera looks a little too overtly Klan-like. Had we been a bit more on form, and less tired, us three regulars might've picked up on it (though Sanja said my ghost just looked like a "blob" to her, and not problematic, so I dunno).
I put out a photo from filming on Twitter Digi last night, with me in my sheet, and didn't even see how bad it looked, because to me I was so obviously a ghost... then, of course, I got a fair few alarmed comments. Rob Manuel of b3ta commented - though later deleted - saying "Glad this is your problem and not mine. Good luck".
Suffice to say, I took it down pretty damn quick.
In short, it underlined that I need this break that I've been waffling on about. Normally, my super-busy day job period - due to the sort of cyclical schedule of the kids TV industry - lasts until early-August, then I get to have a holiday, and a quieter period where I do some stuff for me, and have the brain space to figure out what's next.
This year... I was still writing scripts as late as this week, which was annoying, as I'd made clear to people that I was intending to take all of October off. Never mind!
The Ashens eps will probably mark the end of the Digi Minis Series 1 era. I've had massive amounts of fun doing the knockabout episodes, but I'm finally starting to miss the structure we had in the earlier gaming ones. I guess I was left yesterday questioning what the point of them was exactly, and feeling like I'd let Stuart down.
It's clear I need to mix things up to keep me interested, so I'm wondering... why am I doing the Minis? Thus far, it's because I've enjoyed the messing about, and loving the editing of them, but given that I didn't wholly love what I was doing yesterday, and given that views are way down on the channel... I'm today going: "What's the point?"
I don't want to scare the horses, and I'm probably overthinking it, I know, but that's what I do...!
I might do some Digi posts early next week, having rediscovered my mojo... but I'll then be gone from Thursday for a couple of weeks. At least.
I SAY I SAY
As I say, I know I need it, but I think we all need it. I've started feeling a bit too ubiquitous over the past year, and I've begun wondering whether I'd benefit from there being a bit less me out there. Whether that means I retreat into the shadows for a while, and just stick to Patreon updates, or live streams, or something, I don't know... but you'll have seen from all my naval-gazing posts of late that I'm going through a spell of figuring-stuff-out.
I've had so many people kindly tell me "Do what you want to do - we'll be here for you"... but when you're not sure what it is you want to do, that only goes so far...!
That said, I'm gagging to pull together this new Found Footage idea I've had - it's seriously exciting - but it's going to have more impact if it gets to stand alone, in isolation. I'm not certain that, if it's surrounded by Minis, and Digi posts, it will feel special in the way that the first one did... when me being around was a novelty, rather than part of the furniture.
I need to figure out the best thing for FF - or Lost Tapes, as I'm currently calling it; what's going to help us raise the biggest budget, because some elements of it I really want to feel cinematic (don't worry: it's still mostly a messed-up, lo-fi, sketch show, of sorts). But I also know I won't have the support of a broader, hardcore retro gaming, community this time.
AND FINALLY...
Obviously, as I've mentioned here and elsewhere before, I think part of why I'm feeling like this, where I'm kind of all over the place, is because I'm grieving.
If you've ever experienced it, grief is a weird thing. you can be fine one minute, and the next... boom. You're just kind of frozen to the spot, and your chest feels like it has a black hole in it. And this is particularly weird grief, because it's over somebody I hadn't seen in decades. Nonetheless, for most of September, into the first week of October, I cried most days.
And that was on top of my uncle dying the previous month, and having been the one who broke the news to my dad.
Jimmy Lee - or Jimbob, to most of us - was, to be blunt, my hero, yet... to most people in my family he was a "bastard". I hadn't seen him since the early 90s, and had buried how I felt when they split up, and he moved back to America, out of loyalty to my sister, but his suicide has hit me hard.
Not a day goes by where something doesn't remind me of him, or some new memory gets triggered. Even while we were recording Cheapshow the other night... we had to roll dice for one segment, and then I flashed back to playing Monopoly with him.
I'm pretty sure my dad, still reeling from losing his brother, has been struggling too. I had to get something from his bedroom a couple of weeks back, and next to his bed were all the photo albums from when we visited my sister and him in America, in 1984.
I'm finding it strange, I'm trying to figure out what it all means to me and why I've been left so bereft by it. What makes it harder is the nature of how he died; that he took his own life, that he clearly had so many, many, problems - and his suicide note suggests that at least one of those problems was that he'd felt he had to bury the fact he was gay.
Whoever you really are, please... please try and accept yourself.
For certain, I regret not having had the chance to say goodbye, to tell him how much he meant to me. I know that at least one of my nephews feels the same way, even though he hadn't spoken to his dad since he was very little. We're both crushed knowing that he didn't even have a funeral; he was cremated alone, and his ashes have been scattered in Arlington Cemetery.
On top of that, there's a kind of frustration that he never knew that - despite what happened, despite what he did - not everybody in my family hated him. Quite the opposite in my case, and somehow I just hadn't realised it (despite Sanja pointing out to me that - in the years we've known one another - I spoke about him all the time).
That realisation - realising I loved somebody who I never even saw - has kind of flooded me with emotions. It's really complex, and I'm trying to make sense of it all, but I think it's all playing into how I'm feeling about everything at the moment. And why I wonder whether it's a good idea to just disappear for a bit until it blows through... and take my time over whatever I do next. Release the pressure to keep regular content going.
But... so I don't end this epic post on too down a note... I'm really excited about going away. We've a lot of cool things planned, I think it's going to recharge my creative batteries, and we would both like to film some of it to share it with you (though not in a way that gets in the way of us enjoying ourselves). I dunno where I'd put the footage, as it doesn't feel like it really fits with the Digi channel. But maybe that doesn't matter. Dunno.
What do you think?
Anyhow... thank you for indulging my long-winded ramble. You might've figured this is how I do my "working-out", and usually it helps me.
And thank you for continuing to support me. It's because of this community, because of all of you, that I keep putting stuff out there. The fact that it feels like you've got my back, and you're so supportive of whatever I choose to do, is mind-blowing. Thank you.
Paul
Comments
Lee Chrimes
I've been running an online writer's community for 15 years, and after several years of quiet time it's finally getting some steam again. I have a ton of cool projects and ideas to get stuck into, a wall of audience-building ideas to get to work on... and yet. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves distance from creative work that has started to feel like an obligation, to shake loose the blockages and get to work on the thing we *actually* want to do. Even if you're the kind of person who is endlessly distracted by the next great idea, sooner or later enough things stick in a row and you've got something you can work with ready to go again. You should absolutely keep experimenting with Digitiser - people visit the channel for you and the gang more than the actual content, so you could literally be rummaging through poop and we'd still watch and enjoy it. Hang on... nope, need a more current reference now (DAMN PELLETS) So get to work on Lost Tapes, because it'll be brilliant, and your subconscious brain will have more room to process all the other things rattling around in there. It's always more apparent when you're connected with the work you're doing than when it's feeling like an obligation, so as the other comments should show - we're with you no matter what, do what you gotta do.
WhatHoSnorkers
You're a good man, Mr Biffo. You take pride in your work. Take the time to rest and then come back re-energised like those people in TRON did!
Stephen Cross
Which one was Jimbob in the waltons??
Nick
Have a great break! When you get back, whenever you decide that will be, I'll be here!
Hedders
Enjoy your well-earned break!
Tyronne Mann
Paul, I hope both you and Sanja have a fantastic break and are able to enjoy every minute as you both deserve it.
Treacle Truffle
Grief is a weird thing. It's coming up to 19 years since my mum died, totally expectedly, and I still sometimes get the sensation that I felt then, that I could fall over and shatter like I was made of China. Within three months of my mum dying my uncle, my dads' only sibling succumbed to cancer. It was only about five years ago when I did some CBT that I actually grieved for him. With loss I feel it's not about "getting over it" but more sort of refinding your equilibrium. Sorry, I've gone off on one. Enjoy your break from work and all things Digi and happy honeymoon, because you've earned it.
If you need any proof of how relevant you still are, rest easy with the fact that in Blackpool they had to replace you with TWO GIANT MEN.
Kelvin Green
No, Biffo. Thank you!
Dudley of Yesterzine
I've not had grief like that, to my incredible luck, it'll come so don't think I'm ignoring that when I pick up on something else, I just have nothing useful to offer. When you say that "do what you want" isn't helpful then I agree, the only thing I'll add is that every hour you spend producing something you don't fully believe in is an hour not spent on something you do like Lost tapes and an hours creative mental energy it won't get. If it takes going away for 3 months to put serious effort into making Lost Tapes peak Biffo, everyone here will support that. And once it's out people will forget you ever left.
Chai
I have little to say except to look after yourself. Take all the time you need. We love and support YOU, not just the things you create. I hope you have a wonderful break. You deserve it <3
John Veness
Thank you for this heartfelt post, Paul. I for one am very pleased that you feel safe among friends such that you can share these things, including your "working out". I'm so sorry about Jimbob's suicide, and that it has hit you so hard. I'm going through almost grief-like symptoms at the moment too, so feel for you. So sad that he felt he had to hide that he was gay too. Keeping things like that inside can be very hard. Everyone, please admit at least to yourselves, if not also family and friends, who you are. Re: Blackpool, I would have paid money to see you on your own (or e.g. with Iain; I loved your shared panel appearance last year), but of course completely understand being burnt out and you must look after yourself. I saw the ghost costume, and can see the problem! I wonder if special effects could help? Make it glow green, Ghostbusters style maybe? Much excite about Lost Tapes. We love you Paul and Sanja.
Hope you have a great holiday Mr B. I imagine some time away will do you a lot of good.
James D.
Grief is an absolute bastard. Obviously, nothing that I - random commenter - can do or say to ameliorate that, but i do know how you feel. I struggle with it a lot. As for Digi, you're selling yourself short by saying you are part of the furniture now. Mr. Biffo/Paul Rose is a huge draw for me. I didn't sign up for Patreon to get something out of it, or for a particular kind of content. I just knew that if you were involved, life would be a little bit better. It is obvious when you're having fun, and quite honestly, these 'thinking with the pen' posts are some of my favourites. It's fun to just watch you work, to be honest. Anyway, my condolences again, and I sincerely hope you have a lovely holiday. Thank you for everything.
