Daniel Newwyn
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[I am a Table] Chapter 36
🕑 Added 2025-03-02 14:48:42 +0000 UTCThe moonless night had fallen, and the only sound Blorbo could hear was the occasional gust of wind.
The fireplace was dwindling and he was starting to feel colder, especially as the season was seemingly changing. There was no-one left to turn up the heat, and Blorbo had silently cursed the system for giving him the ability to feel the temperature but not the ability to do anything about it. Lena had dragged herself to bed after another long day of absolute nonsense, and Rob had mumbled something about checking the farm’s inventory before disappearing. Even Anders had gone to his quarters, likely muttering curses about capitalism in his sleep.
The only company left?
The cat.
That thing had been circling him for the past twenty minutes, wiggling its tail back and forth like a metronome of menace. Blorbo had been trying to think about how the robed mage knew about his sentience, but he couldn’t concentrate with that maniacal creature always within his line of vision.
Then— THWACK.
Tabby smacked Blorbo’s leg.
[-0 HP.]
AGAIN. If I don’t get health point deducted, that must mean Retribution Counter is doing the work, right? Then why isn’t the cat feeling the pain?
THWACK.
[-0 HP. Congratulations. You are now on par with a pussy.]
Why the hell did you word it like that?
Surely the system was only trying to get him worked up for one thing.
Everything in this world—everything—grows stronger through training. Then surely… surely… Retribution Counter is no different.
Like the ancient martial artists training in solitude, I, too, shall refine my craft. I will become the immovable object that punishes the unstoppable force! My body—my surface—will become an instrument of divine retribution!
He directed every ounce of nonexistent energy toward the skill.
Feel the pain… Feel the pain…
The cat licked its paw.
Blorbo pushed harder. He visualized the cat yowling in surprise, shaking its tiny feline paw, realizing that tables—nay, that he—was not to be trifled with. He imagined the system alert:
[Retribution Counter has evolved into Cosmic Backlash! All who dare strike you shall feel the weight of their actions a hundredfold!]
He could see it so clearly. He was right on the cusp of power. He just needed to—
The cat plopped its full, lazy weight onto him and started kneading his surface.
EXCUSE ME?
Blorbo vibrated in outrage.
[New Status Effect Applied: Furniture.]
I’VE ALWAYS BEEN FURNITURE, YOU LAG-RIDDEN RELIC OF BAD CODING.
The cat purred.
Blorbo extended his Surface Agitation skill just enough to make the table vibrate slightly under the cat’s paws. The feline hopped back, staring at him with wide, glinting eyes. Its tail was now puffed up like a dandelion.
That’s right. Back off, you demon.
Just as the cat decided it didn’t want anything to do with the table anymore and began swaying its hips as it walked away, a question mark appeared on its head.
Blorbo examined it just before the cat walked out the door and into Rob and Lena’s room.
[QUEST: Meow Meow (2)]
Objective: Assert dominance over the feline menace using your newfound power. Deliver a decisive [Sawdust Puff] straight to its smug little face.
Reward: +1 HP, +2 AGI, and a 20% change of triggering [Massive Leap Under Duress].
Prerequisite: [Sawdust Puff].
Failure: Stunned for 4 hours.
Accept? YES / YES
20% chance? We’re doing things in probabilities now? And why is this a canon quest?
The countless THWACKs. The humiliating [Furniture] status effect. The utter disrespect.
It is time to pay back.
However, the cat had sauntered off into another room, leaving Blorbo with no choice but to sit there in silent anticipation.
Worse thing? The fire had burned out. He had to stay awake and wait in the cold.
Come on! Tables have to sleep too!
But he waited. He was patient. 20% for a Massive Leap? I’ll take that chance.
Then, finally he heard soft padding on the wooden floor, followed up be a weirdly distorted meow.
The cat had returned.
Now was his moment.
Blorbo activated [Sawdust Puff]. His legs tensed. His nonexistent muscles flexed as he launched the mighty torrent of sawdust straight onto the cat at the speed of the tsunami1
Except nothing happened.
What?
He tried again. No puff in his line of vision.
WHY?!
Then, realization struck him like a bolt of divine stupidity. He could only puff from the EDGE. The CORNER of the edge, to be exact.
The cat, however, was prancing everywhere but the corner.
WHY WOULD A CAT EVER BE NEAR THE CORNER?! IT MAKES NO SENSE!
Of course, the cat had seen the suspicious gusts of dust magically appearing on the corners and made sure to never be anywhere near those.
Guess I’ll never complete the mission.
Then, as the sky lightened with the first hints of dawn, a game-changer happen.
Lena emerged from her room, rubbing her eyes and yawning as she shuffled toward the kitchen. It was breakfast time.
She poured some milk into Tabby’s bowl and placed it near one of Blorbo’s edges. If Rob had been around, he would’ve lectured her about how she should never put bowls and utensils anywhere near the corners. But Rob wasn’t here.
The cat, drawn by the scent of food, finally jumped to Blorbo’s surface and wandered near the corner of the table.
You gluttonous fool! Now is my chance!
Blorbo released the puff.
But the cat was baiting him. He was walking over THE MOMENT Lena was walking past, trying to put a steaming pot of cabbage soup on the table.
The exact moment Blorbo released the puff, the cat jumped away at supersonic speed.
HOW—
The puff hit Lena right in the face.
She jolted so hard she gasped, then sneezed, then flailed her arms. The entire pot of soup dropped upside down, and the liquid splash everywhere. On. Blorbo’s. Surface. Then came the clanking of the milk bowl on the floor.
[-1 HP]
[-1 HP]
[-1 HP]
[-1 STR. Endurance Training Resumed.]
[-1 HP]
[-1 HP]
AARRRRGHHH! HOT HOT HOT!
[-1 HP]
[-1 HP]
[QUEST FAILED.]
What? How did I fail—
[-1 HP]
HOT HOT HOT!
Lena gasped, staring at the mess in horror. “Oh no! The soup!”
Oh no, the soup?! I’M DYING, LENA! I AM BEING BOILED ALIVE LIKE A LOBSTER!
She grabbed a rag and quickly started dabbing at his surface. “I’ll fix this, don’t worry!”
[-1 HP]
LENA, YOU’RE JUST RUBBING IT IN. STOP.
The cat, now safely on the floor, licked its paw smugly as it looked directly at the corner from which the sawdust came.
[-1 HP]
“Tabby!” Lena scolded him. “Look what you’ve done! You made me drop both the soup and your milk!” She finished wiping the hot soup off the table.
Ah. Finally, some peace. Not dying to a pot of cabbage feels good.
[1 STR returned. Training failed. Not enough time.]
What? How much more time do you need? You want me to die for like a 2 END gain?
The system chimed.
[Quest Failed.]
[Penalty: Stunned for 4 hours. Applying in 30 seconds.]
He hadn’t even seen a failure condition!
Desperate, he clicked on the Failure line on the quest screen. The text expanded.
Failure: If you puff at the wrong target, you fail.
WHY WOULD YOU HIDE THIS?! WHY NOT TELL ME FROM THE START?! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?! YOU HARLOT-BUTTOCK SWINDLER! THIS IS THE STUPIDEST USER INTERFACE EVER!
And then—
[Stunned for 4 hours.]
Everything locked.
His vision. Frozen.
His skills. Disabled.
His movement. Immovable.
Nothing but pure, agonizing stillness.
Blorbo could do nothing. Nothing but think.
And suffer.
