Daniel Newwyn
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[I am a Table] Chapter 32
🕑 Added 2025-02-27 07:12:37 +0000 UTCBlorbo groaned. Are you serious right now? Finance?! Who in their right mind would be willing to learn such a thing? How is this fun and mysterious?
“Sounds so fun and mysterious!” Lena responded cheerily. “I would love to learn such a thing!”
Lena… you belong to a psychiatric ward…
“Most excellent!” the Mage exclaimed. “To truly understand business liquidity, you must first learn the flow of capital, the ebb and flow of assets—like the lifeblood of magic itself!”
Lena, eyes wide, nodded as if she were absorbing the most profound lesson of her life. “I can’t wait! What do I do first?”
The Mage clapped his hands, his robes swirling dramatically. “Ah! Ze first step in mastering the secrets of financial magic: Ze Ledger of Endless Prosperity.”
Oooh. Sounds magical. Maybe he’ll cast a spell for the numbers to add up themselves without jotting down a word.
Throughout the next hour, Lena sat down and did ledger entries for the mage. No magic involved.
“Ahah!” After the hour, he said. “You are a fast learner, daughter of ze old farmer. We now can conclude our first lesson. One lesson done, only twenty seven remains.”
HOW MANY? Am I going to have to sit here and listen to MORE accounting gibberish?
The Mage smiled, his eyes twinkling with an unsettling amount of pride. “Now, we move to ze second lesson. You’ve learned ze basic art of recording transactions, but to truly master financial magic, you must learn the next step: Balance Sheets!”
Lena’s face lit up as if she heard the greatest revelation of the century. “Balance sheets? That sounds important!”
The Mage waved his hand, producing a thick ledger from his robes and slamming it onto the table with dramatic flair. “This is where ze true mastery lies. You must be able to organize all your resources, liabilities, and assets into neat, organized columns. Only then will you unlock the true potential of business liquidity.”
Lena replied, “I’m so pumped! Let’s do it!”
Blorbo, once again, could do nothing but watch in horror as Lena set to work, copying down all the numbers the Mage dictated with great enthusiasm. The entries were nothing more than rows of boring debits and credits—nothing magical.
This feels a lot like unpaid labor…
“And remember,” the Mage continued with a grin, “you must also track your expenses, like ze cost of goods sold, wages, and zese horrors of the greatest proportion called… overhead costs.”
Lena gasped in terror. “Overhead costs?!?”
The Mage nodded. “You must track ze overhead costs, or there will be divine arcane retribution!”
Lena nodded enthusiastically, scribbling down notes. “Got it! I’ll make sure my balance sheet is flawless!”
Blorbo, inwardly groaning, could only hope for some kind of distraction. Anything. A Dragon Queen. A meteor. Anything that’ll interrupt this torture.
Lena finished tracking her expenses, and the Mage approvingly brushed his hands. “Now with your final entry, ze inscription is completed. We shall now proceed with the summoning ceremony.” The Mage suddenly held the ledger aloft, the thick pages rustling as if alive. His voice grew solemn, rhythmic, and oddly hypnotic. "Now, we shall summon the Beast of Accountability. Let it rise from the depths of paper, ink, and ledger!"
Wait, what?
“Zal… doh-hoo... nalukya... Rhal... sah-kri... mor!” He chanted.
With a final, resonant incantation, the Mage slammed the ledger down onto the table, and suddenly, the paper from the book began to ripple like water, expanding outward. The edges of the page curled, and before Blorbo could fully comprehend what was happening…
Poof!
The paper transformed into a three-dimensional form: a paper horse.
WHAT?! HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE? ALL THEY DID WAS NORMAL BOOKKEEPING DATA ENTRIES!
The Mage looked pleased with himself. “It is done. We have summoned your first magical beast—a creature of finance! Behold, ze Paper Stallion!”
Lena stared in awe. “It’s majestic!”
It’s a paper horse.
The Mage came over and touched the horse’s head. Immediately, it the Paper Stallion started kicking its legs as if it were alive, stomping the floor with constant clacking sounds. Its paper body rustled with every movement, and it snorted in a way that made Blorbo think it might actually be a living, breathing creature.
"Behold!" The Mage boasted, hands raised triumphantly. "With more effort, I can make it gallop across the plains! And with your potential, young apprentice, perhaps you too can summon a beast that can blink after our first session today!"
Lena was wide-eyed with excitement, watching the Paper Stallion prance about. "I can do that?" she asked, nearly jumping out of Blorbo.
The Mage nodded enthusiastically. "Of course! It is all about ze precision and ze control. Now, cabbage mongress, repeat what I just did—say ze words, channel your energy, and summon your own beast."
Lena nodded eagerly, but Blorbo could already tell this wasn’t going to end well. Lena, of course, was way too excited for this. She jumped up, cleared her throat, and swung her hand around like she was squatting a fly. “Zal... doh-hoo... nalukya... Rhal... sah-kri... mor!”
Her pronunciation was off, and the Mage raised a finger. “No, no, no! You must pronounce it like zis!” He corrected her with exaggerated movements. “Zal... doh-hoo... nalukya... Rhal... sah-kri... mor!”
Lena tried again, her brow furrowed in concentration. “Zal... doh-hoo... nalukya... Rhal... sah-kri... mor!”
A pause.
The Mage stared at her and raised his gloved hand into the air. “Yes, yes! Now we wait!”
The air vibrated. A faint, sugary scent filled the room.
Oh, great. Some candy piñata nonsense again.
The pages of the ledger began to rustle. The paper quivered, the energy of the incantation pulsing through the air, and then—
Bang!
A massive candy dragon materialized in front of them, all gooey lollipops for eyes and rainbow-colored sugar-coated wings. It snorted a puff of cotton candy, as its wings fluttered.
The candy dragon let out a roar that sounded as powerful as lollipop wrapper crinkling. “Who dares summon the Dragon Queen of the Candy?”
