Daniel Newwyn
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[I am a Table] Chapter 16
🕑 Added 2025-02-24 07:51:27 +0000 UTCInstead of securing the wand in a drawer, a box, anywhere, ANYWHERE safe, she just… moved on. She grabbed an onion from the counter and got to chopping, completely oblivious to the fact that the magical artifact of destiny was now in grave danger.
Blorbo watched in horror as the chaos began.
She plopped a handful of herbs onto the table—right next to the wand.
Then came a stack of sliced carrots. Then a cutting board. Then an entire raw chicken.
Blorbo was about to lose his mind.
THE WAND WAS ALREADY GETTING BURIED.
He tried to will her to notice. Look at it! Look at the wand! LOOK AT THE WAND!
As if noticing a telepathic disturbance in the air, she stopped chopping the herbs.
Oooh, it’s working!
Lena simply wiped her hands on her apron and turned to grab the salt. Then she kept chopping the herbs.
Blorbo could see the timeline branching before him. If she didn’t move the wand within the next two minutes, it would be lost to the void forever.
And then, as if to confirm his worst fears…
THUNK.
Lena plopped a sack of potatoes directly on top of it.
Blorbo internally exploded. That thing might have already broken in half!
As he was preparing to mentally draft his last will and testament for the wand, a new threat appeared.
A soft thump landed on the kitchen counter, followed by a purr.
A flick of a tail. A small, smug yawn. A set of beady little eyes surveying the kingdom before him.
Tabby. The feline menace.
Lena didn’t glanced up. “Not now, sweetheart.” She scratched Tabby absentmindedly behind the ear before returning to chopping onions. The cat yawned an jumped down the counter, walking towards Blorbo.
Blorbo couldn’t breathe. Not because he didn’t have lungs, but because something horrifying had appeared above Tabby’s head.
A golden, glowing question mark.
It spun. It shimmered.
THE CAT HAD A QUEST.
Never in Blorbo’s life would he have guessed that his arch nemesis would be his only saving grace.
Blorbo’s Opportunity Sense screamed at him. His status screen flashed open against his will, revealing the new quest.
[QUEST: Meow Meow (1)]
Objective: Convince Tabby to retrieve the buried wand.
Reward: +12 EXP, +2 STR, and a new beginner skill (random).
Prerequisite: 5 AGI, 5 END, 5 PER
Failure: Lena NEVER learns magic.
What? Meow Meow ONE? You mean I will have to do more quest that has anything to do with this foul beast?
Also, what kind of failure consequence is that? NEVER learn magic? That’s absurd! She can just encounter another four-gloved, robed stall merchant in the future and get another wand from him, no?
Tabby had already jumped on Blorbo’s surface, licking its butthole and rubbing the butt against the table. The status window for the cat’s attributes kept opening then closing, to Blorbo’s absolute frustration, but he had to endure. He had to focus.
Step one: Assess the target.
Tabby was currently kneading a small circle into his surface, tail flicking in boredom. She was seconds away from deciding that nothing interesting was happening and leaving.
Blorbo’s nonexistent pulse spiked.
Step two: Identify a strategy.
Option A: Try to mentally will the cat to act. (Low success rate. Cats resist orders on principle.)
Option B: Hope Tabby accidentally does it herself. (Even lower success rate.)
Option C: Make the wand interesting. (Best option.)
I need the cat to see the wand first.
Step three: Execute the plan.
He activated Adjustable Angle.
His wooden frame titled just enough to subtly shift Tabby’s viewpoint toward the sack of potatoes where the wand was barely peeking out.
His eyes flicked toward the movement.
He saw it. He must’ve seen it!
The tiny glimmer of wand. The forbidden, untamed artifact of hunt-worthy proportions.
Then, the real test.
Would Tabby take the bait?
He stared, and stared, for way longer than a cat who had found something interesting would.
Blorbo screamed internally. COME ON. IT’S RIGHT THERE. POUNCE ON IT, YOU LITTLE GREMLIN.
Tabby yawned. Then it went to sleep.
Blorbo internally exploded. His rage had reached critical levels. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why is everyone in this household so daft? Must I be the only one with a functioning brain in this hell-forsaken world? Arrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!
And then—
Blorbo shook.
Not metaphorically. Physically.
A sudden, violent tremor plowed through his wooden body, rattling the very foundation of his being. A notification flashed across his vision.
[NEW CONDITIONAL SKILL UNLOCKED: MASSIVE LEAP UNDER DURESS]
Wait? Have I seen this before?
Then came the description.
When under extreme stressful situations, have an 80% chance of either:
Getting a randomly-generated boost in a random skill
or
Unlocking a random beginner-level skill. If that skill is already learned, either upgrade it or unlock a branched evolution of that skill, at random
He’d never seen a description so long nor letters appearing so quickly before from the System. Wow, wow, wow! Slow down with the info!
Once he’d finished reading, he beamed with joy. Oh, great! I love self-inflicted stress.
Then something else happened.
The tremor didn’t just shake him once. No.
It kept going.
Another notification appeared.
[NEW BRANCH OF ADJUSTABLE ANGLE UNLOCKED!]
→ Surface Agitation (Level I) – You can now rapidly shift left and right by two degrees.
Oh! So the vibration I’m making is actually caused by me just leaning left and right at supersonic speed!
Blorbo had evolved.
He was no longer just a tilting table. He was now a shaking table.
Of course, his sudden, violent reaction had consequences.
Tabby’s eyes snapped open. He was so shook by the table shaking that he just had to jump off. The kitchen counter was the only other platform.
With a startled yowl, she launched herself off the table—straight onto the kitchen counter.
And then…
Her back paw accidentally kicked the wand as she avoided stepping on the sack of potatoes.
Blorbo watched in slow motion as the wand soared through the air, flipping end over end. Lena, oblivious, turned around just as it sailed past her ear.
Somehow, against all laws of probability, the wand landed perfectly on Blorbo’s surface with a muted plop.
[QUEST COMPLETED—Meow Meow (1)]
Reward: +12 EXP, +2 STR
Blorbo couldn’t believe it. He had shaken the cat into saving magic.
He eyed at the new skill he’d learned.
New beginner-level skill unlocked: Synchronized Sitting (Level 1)
Ohhhh! That sounded great! What does it do?
He willed himself to click on the details of the skill.
You have an innate talent for making people feel like they sat down at the exact same time as someone else.
What is this NONSENSE? What am I ever going to use this for?
