Daniel Newwyn
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[I am a Table] Chapter 40
🕑 Added 2025-03-04 14:21:59 +0000 UTCHowever, the next ten minutes went by without a single passenger so much passing a glance at the makeshift altar, despite the constant bellowing from Ducaz. That made him impatient.
“Business is slow today. These people don’t have nearly enough fate to part with their money!” His brow furrowed. “But worry not. I have a trick or two up my sleeves.”
Ducaz took a deep breath and dropped to his knees as he clasped his hands together in dramatic supplication. “Brothers and sisters! The Lord of Light works in mysterious ways, but today—today, my friends—he speaks clearly!”
What?
He slapped a hand onto Blorbo’s surface. “Behold! The Table of Benediction! Blessed by the temple itself! It is said that those who give offerings upon this sacred altar will receive fortune tenfold!”
[Temporary Aura Upgraded: “Sacred” Presence—Level 2]
When used as an offering table, donations are 29% more likely to be generous.
Are we for real? The scam is so effective that reality just went along with it.
That was enough for a small crowd to gather in front of the altar.
Ducaz’s pleas became more and more melodramatic, “My dear faithful, did you know that the Lord rewards those who test their faith? Indeed! For those who donate without looking at the bowl, their blessings shall be even greater! A true act of selfless giving!”
A woman gasped, clutching her chest. “Such wisdom! Such depth!” She immediately tossed a handful of coins into the bowl without looking.
[Sidequest Progress: 25/100]
Four coins only? At this rate, I’m going to fail the quest!
It’s time for the good ol’ Adjustable Angles.
Blorbo tilted forward by 2 degrees, just enough so that the golden-rimmed bowl caught the sunlight at the perfect angle. A dazzling gleam of holy radiance reflected outward, beaming directly onto the faces of passersby.
The reaction was instant.
“The Light has blessed this offering!” someone whispered.
“Look! The bowl shines! The Lord approves!” A rich-looking noblewoman gasped and threw in 20 copper coins, followed by several others who hurriedly dumped their change into the bowl before the light faded.
[Sidequest Progress: 56/100]
The grin on Ducaz’s face grew wider and wider as each coin was dropped into the bowl. Simply by looking at him, Blorbo understood. This man wasn’t going to stop at anything.
Just when the crowd was dissipating, he stood and declared, “Not yet! Stay for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! For a large donation of at least twenty copper coins, you shall be granted a private blessing from the Table of Benediction!”
From the what now?
A merchant hesitated. “What kind of blessing?”
“A personalized fortune, straight from the holy wood itself.” He gave Blorbo a hard pat. “The table speaks only to those willing to invest in their future, and I shall be his mouth for today.”
The merchant counted from his purse and tossed in twenty copper coins. “Alright, let’s hear it.”
[Sidequest Progress: 76/100]
Ducaz leaned in so close that his ear practically touched the table. He whispered absolute gibberish into Blorbo, before nodding profusely and stood straight again. “The table said ‘beware of goats’.”
What? Why did you say such a thing? You could’ve said something utterly generic like you might fall ill within the next moon cycle or something.
We’re SO doomed.
“What kind of nonsense is that?” A person behind the merchant asked, but his question was immediately interrupted by the merchant’s cry.
“He speaks truth!” His eyes widened in disbelief. “My neighbor’s goat is very aggressive! I must guard against it this instance!”
The crowd ooh-ed and ahh-ed.
Wait? That works? Oh, wait. Oh. That guy is rich. More likely than not he or his neighbors raise at least a goat.
This Ducaz guy is the real deal.
“Do me! Do me next!” One voice rang out.
“No! Do me! Do me!” Said another.
Yeah, boy. This is going to be the easiest side quest ever.
Then, from the corner of his field of vision, Blorbo saw Lena and Rob. They’ve already done praying? That was like barely time at all! And they’re already walking over to the wagon!
[Sidequest Progress: 96/100]
Great! Ducaz, keep doing whatever you’re doing. I’ll distract the couple!
He focused on the one thing he could control. [Sawdust Puff].
It wasn’t much. In fact, it was nothing. A single, sad little puff of sawdust from the corner of his surface. Lena and Rob were way too far away for this to—
Wait.
A gust of wind swept through the temple grounds. Not just any gust. A freakishly divine gust. The kind that could carry a wayward dove straight into the heavens. The kind that made banners ripple dramatically at just the right moment.
[Sidequest Progress: 116/100]
[SIDEQUEST COMPLETED—The Holy Hustle]
Reward: 15 EXP, +3 PER, “Blessed Surface” Status Effect
Beginner-level Aura gained: “Sacred” Presence— When used as an altar, your presence becomes 17% more convincing
When else am I going to ever be used as an alter apart from now? This is utterly ridiculous!
The sawdust twirled upward, spiraling like a tiny cyclone. It weaved past temple columns, slipped between gaps in the crowd. Through one, two, three, four, five people. It spun through the air like some kind of holy confetti—
—And went directly up Rob’s nose.
Rob violently recoiled, clutching his chest.
What the hell? That was impossible!
“Hrk—!” Rob staggered as his breath hitched and his eyes watered. Then he erupted into a fit of coughing.
“Oh, no! Rob! Your lung fever!” Lena gasped as she reached out to steady him.
He doubled over, hacking like he’d swallowed a fistful of dust—which, well, he kind of had. His face scrunched in pain as his lungs fought to clear themselves.
Ducaz’s ears perked at the sound. His scam artist instincts activated. “Time to go.”
He pocketed the shillings in one swell swoop, clapped his hands together, and declared, “Alas, my brothers and sisters, the Table of Benediction must rest! The divine whispers are fading! The Lord’s wisdom cannot be rushed!”
The crowd let out a collective “Aww,” but nodded solemnly and quickly dissipate.
A few temple keepers had started to glance in his direction, probably suspicious, so Ducaz threw in some extra dramatics. “Go forth! Take these blessings with you! But do not despair! Perhaps the sacred table will return another day!”
Ducaz didn’t even wait to see their reaction. He grabbed Blorbo by the legs, yanked him off the ground, and flung him back onto the wagon with perfect precision. As he flew mid-air, Blorbo caught a glimpse of a familiar figure.
The robed mage, staring at him with grinning eyes.
It all makes sense now. That wind was magic! He purposefully used divine magic to make the sawdust fly up Rob’s nose!
Ducaz wasn’t about to let things fall apart in the final stretch. As Rob continued coughing like he was trying to eject a lung, Ducaz clapped his hands again and ushered away any lingering bystanders.
“Blessings upon you all! May your generosity return to you tenfold!” he called out, practically shoving the last few stragglers toward the temple steps. “Go, go! Contemplate your good deeds! Spread the wisdom of the Table!”
Just as the last overly enthusiastic donor scurried away, Rob and Lena finally made it back to the wagon. Rob still hunched over and had trouble breathing, while Lena’s sharp eyes immediately scanned the scene.
She turned to Ducaz, then to the wagon, then back to Ducaz again. “…What happened here?”
“Ah!” Ducaz put on his most innocent grin, wiping imaginary sweat from his brow. “Nothing at all, dear sister… I mean, Lena! I’m just providing guidance to some lost pilgrims.”
Lena squinted. “That crowd just now looked very donation-happy.”
“Hahaha! Yes, well, you know how the faithful are! Always eager to show their devotion through generous—uh—acts of kindness!”
She crossed her arms. “Right. And why, pray tell, are you wearing keeper’s robes?”
What? You idiot! Why didn’t you take off the attire? And here I thought you were a cunning genius.
“Well, you see—” he began, tugging lightly at the gold-threaded sash around his waist. “I have always been deeply devout, of course! And I, uh, happened to find these sacred garments near the temple steps! And naturally, as a humble servant of the Lords of Light, I could not allow them to be trampled underfoot, so I donned them myself to ensure they were treated with the proper respect!”
“Rightttttt…” Before Lena could grill him further, Rob let out another rough cough. She turned to her husband with utmost distress. “Oh no! We must get you to the good doctor at once!”
“Yes! Yes!” Ducaz nodded. “Nothing is more important than keeping healthy.”
“Let me help.” Before anyone could respond, a figure stepped forward from the temple courtyard. He was just outside the temple, a fair distance away from the wagon, but Blorbo could feel the vibration in his voice as if he was next to him
An imposing man brisked forth. Around his neck hung a thick medallion with an ornate depiction of the Lord of Light’s sigil, and in one hand, he carried a wooden staff capped with a polished crystal. His attire was lined with even MORE gold than the Heralds.
Lena jumped in shock, then quickly bowed her head. “Priest Zukaman!”
