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Murder in the House of Mystery (Full Supercut)
🕑 Added 2022-12-05 15:00:12 +0000 UTCEPISODE ONE: FIRST CIRCLE (LIMBO)
EDWARD: Alright everyone - we’re leaving in five minutes, so be ready or be left behind.
JERVIS: How long?
EDWARD: Ten minutes.
JERVIS: But you said five minutes.
EDWARD: Then why did you ask?
INTERVIEW
EDWARD: Hallowe’ens in Gotham City are usually... fairly boring, [sounds of past events] so when you get an invitation to an ACTUAL party, you can’t just say no.
INTRODUCTION MUSIC
EDWARD: Jon. Green tie or purple tie?
JON: Huh?
EDWARD: Green tie or purple tie?
JON: Does it matter?
EDWARD: Not to someone whose fashion peaked at the 1974 Men’s Fashion Sears catalogue, but for the rest of us, yes.
JON: Fine, green.
EDWARD: Purple it is.
JON: Dickhead.
INTERVIEW
EDWARD: I’ve been Riddling now for... oh goodness, long enough to know better, amirite?
JON: What does that even mean?
EDWARD: I don’t know, it sounded better in my head.
CAM FOLLOW
EDWARD: This is the Inner Sanctum. Where I keep my more prized possessions. This was my first Riddler uniform... oh spandex... What was I thinking? Classic bowler, three-piece, and the one that Batman Forever CLEARLY ripped off - though I will admit, I did feel safer jogging at night.
INTERVIEW
EDWARD: People tend to think that supervillains are just always on the clock. Evil evil evil, but we need to relax sometimes too. Lay back, put our feet up.
SELENA: Sometimes behind your head.
EDWARD: Augh. Thank you, Selena.
SELENA: I was talking about Yoga, but sure - banging too.
EDWARD: Good lord. Banging?
SELENA: Yeah, sex.
EDWARD: I know what banging means.
SELENA: And I know what Kuntao means, but it doesn’t mean other people let me do it to them.
JON: Boom.
EDWARD: You don’t even know what Kuntao is.
JON: Nope. I was too busy bangin’ to look it up.
SELENA: Boom.
EDWARD: AUGH. You’re both insufferable.
EDWARD leaves.
JON: So what is Kuntao? Is that like a chicken thing?
SELENA: Idiota.
CAM FOLLOW.
EDWARD: Oh, I love this. This is my award for “most people held hostage at once”. Seventy-three, baby. All me... and Query... and Echo, but STILL - seventy-three! Of course, next year Joker won when he held all of Gotham hostage on Christmas, which I thought was a bit unfair, because I was IN THERE, holding the gun, you know - keep your heads down and your hands up. You - dance around a little, but a whole city? How do you even do that? And on Christmas too, as if things don’t suck enough on Christmas, you know?
CAM FOLLOW
EDWARD: Alright, it’s time to go. Selena, Jon, and Jervis, you’re with me. Harvey and Oswald said they were taking the Bentley, and Joker and Harley will meet us there.
JERVIS: What about Waylon?
EDWARD: He said he was going to climb up the toilet pipe and bite you on the ass when we got there.
JERVIS: He didn’t... did he?
JON: Jesus Christ...
EDWARD: Thicker than Jason Todd’s helmet. Let’s go, before you hurt yourself.
SELENA slaps JERVIS in the back of the head.
JERVIS: Ooh!
SELENA: Too late. Vamos a la fiesta, cabrón.
INTERVIEW
SELENA: Do I normally hang out with these people? No. Do I enjoy it every once in a while? No. But free food is free food, so if I have to suffer with lunatics for a night, it’s a small price to pay. No offence.
JON: No, I get it.
EXT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY
EDWARD: Alright, so here we are. Looks like no one else is here... or the house. Jervis, did you read the invitation properly?
JERVIS: I did! 2721 Barada Lane.
EDWARD: It stops at 2719. It has to be a misprint.
SELENA: Maybe the house hasn’t arrived yet either.
EDWARD: Really?
A portal opens and a house appears.
SELENA: Told you.
EDWARD: There is no way you could have known that.
SELENA: Yet here we are.
EDWARD: Things don’t just... appear like that.
A portal opens up and a man crashes to earth.
JON: Or people, right?
EDWARD: I’m just not going to talk anymore.
JERVIS: If only that were true.
EDWARD: What?
JERVIS: Nothing!
The man grunts and rises to his feet.
MAN: Where am I?
EDWARD: How specific do you want me to be?
MAN: Eh?
EDWARD: Barada Lane. Gotham City. America. Earth. Andromeda Galaxy.
MAN: Alright. Alright. Thank you.
EDWARD: Anything else? Perhaps a parachute for next time?
The MAN grunts.
EDWARD: Okay then, party time.
MAN: You’re not goin’ in there, are you?
EDWARD: What gave it away?
MAN: That’s the House of Mystery.
EDWARD: Is it? I thought the invitation was lying.
MAN: Don’t go in there, Edward Nygma. It is an evil place, ill winds blow on anyone who dares set foot within.
JON: Is that John Constantine?
JERVIS: Who?
JON: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
JOHN: This is my last warning - you will find only death within.
EDWARD: Well, if it’s a choice between death and this thrilling conversation, I’ll take the less painful option.
JOHN: You’re a fool! You’ve doomed yourself and all who know you.
EDWARD: I’m sorry, I don’t have any change!
JON: Was that John Constantine?
EDWARD: Shush, if we don’t keep walking, he’ll never shut up.
JOHN: Oh, that’s fine! Don’t listen to fair warning, arsehole! I hope yer next shite is a hedgehog! I hope yeh get kissed by a bus!
A car pulls up with much squealing of brakes.
JOKER: It’s okay, party people! The fun’s arrived!
HARLEY: Hi everyone!
Another car pulls up.
OSWALD: Well you’d better pray there’s overnight parking, because I’m not going to pay for the bloody ticket.
HARVEY: Just contest the ticket. Nine out of ten times, the officer never shows anyway.
OSWALD grunts.
EDWARD: Well, that’s almost all of us.
DIGGER: Wow! Looks like this is going to be quite the party!
EDWARD: Oh god... YOU got an invite?
DIGGER: Sure did! Looks like George is moving up in the world!
INTERVIEW
DIGGER: It’s true, I’ve never been invited to a party like this before... or... you know, any actual party, but hey - it sounded like fun on the invite, and it’s not like they’d bring me along just to murder me or something, right? [laughs, stops] ...Right?
BACK TO GROUP.
EDWARD: Okay, well, whatever. Now we just need Waylon and we’re all set.
WAYLON: Did someone say KING SEXY?
Crowd cheers.
WAYLON: Was that Constantine I heard cussin’ you out?
EDWARD: Oh god, you too? Let’s just ring the bell and get inside.
JON: Here we go.
Doorbell is pressed, sparks: nothing happens.
EDWARD: Good start. Try again.
Nothing happens.
JOKER: Maybe the battery’s dead. I’ve got a joy buzzer that could add a little bounce to its bungie.
WAYLON: Nah, it’s wired, but it looks like it’s been chewed through up by the eavestrough. Reckon if I had a ladder, I could get up there.
JOKER: I’ll race you to it, Waylon old boy! Let’s MOVE THAT BUS!
HARLEY: He got addicted to home renovation shows when he was in hospital.
EDWARD: Better than crack I guess.
JON: Debatable.
JOKER: Last one there’s a rotten corpse!
EPISODE TWO: SECOND CIRCLE (LUST)
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT
Edward and Jonathan are being interviewed.
EDWARD: Was it a bad idea to put this many rogues in one place? I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. But if one of us manages to die before the night’s over? I’m going to laugh my fucking ass off.
JON: Can we say fuck? We can? Fuck.
EDWARD: Fuck.
EXT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT
JOKER is standing triumphantly on the roof.
JOKER: I got it! I got it! Yes! This time, JOKER will save the day!
WAYLON: Ahh yeh got lucky. Now fix the damn bell so we can eat.
JON: Amen.
HARLEY: Speech! Speech!
SELENA: Are you kidding me with this?
JOKER: (clears throat) Four half-minutes and seven seconds ago, I scaled a wall and arrived at the severed cord that is preventing this party from starting!
DIGGER and JON talk while JOKER is pontificating.
DIGGER: Smuggled a few tinnies in. Figured why wait for someone else to start the party, eh?
JON: It ain’t Fosters, is it?
DIGGER: Foster’s piss, mate. VB.
JON: Oh damn, aight.
They open their beers.
JOKER: And like a feral raccoon saving its babies from the impending shark attack, I too will save you from your dreary, miserable lives by single-handedly fix--
EDWARD: Fix the fucking cord!
HARVEY: Fix the fucking cord!
JOKER: Okay! Geez!
HARLEY: I liked your speech, Mister J! Second best thing you did with your tongue today!
JERVIS: God I hope he licked a lollipop.
SELENA: I hope he ate pussy.
JERVIS makes a small noise of virginal despair. JOKER attaches the wire, but a large spark sends him off the roof and onto the lawn.
JOKER: I’m alright! Everything is going to be A-OKAY!
The Gigglebombs from inside JOKER’S jacket tumble out and activate.
JOKER: Oop. Scratch that.
The Gigglebombs detonate, sending pieces of JOKER across the lawn in many new and exciting directions.
HARLEY: PUDDIN’!
JON: At this point...
JON AND EDWARD: He probably is!
EDWARD: Ahhh, classic. Right - who’s hungry?
HARLEY is now sobbing as she collects as much of the JOKER as she can. Her performance seems... too upset. Like she’s putting it on.
OSWALD: Famished.
EDWARD: Excellent! Harvey, ring the bell. Waylon, you have a little Joker on you, and Harley - for god’s sake dial it back.
HARLEY: Too much?
EDWARD: We’re looking for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, and you’re giving us Cats.
HARLEY: [sniffle] Elaine Page?
EDWARD: Rebel Wilson.
HARLEY cries in disappointment.
HARVEY: Stop shitting on Cats!
HARVEY rings the doorbell. The door slowly opens, as if by a mystical force.
OSWALD: Did you open that?
HARVEY: No.
OSWALD: I’m sure it’s fine. Get in. Get in.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT
DIGGER: Was it a bit jarrin’ seein’ Joker explode on the front lawn? Absolutely. Did I enjoy the fact the front door opened on its own? No, but I’m about ten tinnies in on a baker’s dozen, so Mother Theresa could come back to life and flash me her map of Tasmania and I wouldn’t think twice about it.
JERVIS: I’d be amazed if you could think once.
EDWARD: Oh, good one! Up high!
JERVIS: Down low?
EDWARD: That was down low, short ass.
A pause.
EDWARD: And one for Ed! Up high!
EDWARD high-fives himself.
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT
The rogues are making their way inside.
EDWARD: What an interesting style choice. American Gothic meets Satanic B&B. It’s like walking into my worst nightmare... or Jon’s wettest dream.
JON: Your worst nightmare is my wettest dream.
EDWARD: [scoff] Nice comeback, comeback.
OSWALD: I don’t smell any food.
SELENA: Uh oh. It’s been thirty minutes and Oswald hasn’t eaten.
JON: Next stop: cannibalism.
SELENA: Donner, party of 10.
SELENA and JON laugh.
SELENA: Wait, nine. Sorry Harley.
HARLEY: Eh, I’m over it.
JON: Oh yeah?
EDWARD: Put it away.
HARVEY: You could always grab a piece of Joker like Waylon did.
EDWARD: You did not.
SELENA: Ew.
WAYLON: I did not! I was gonna, but then I figured he’d probably taste funny.
JERVIS, JON, EDWARD, and OSWALD laugh.
JON: Where in the hell are the damn hosts?
UNKNOWN ONE: Damned, more like.
UNKNOWN TWO: And for those curious, it was the second circle. Wehhhh...
CAIN: Welcome, to the House of Mystery. I am Cain, and this is my brother, Abel. And let me just say, it is so wonderful that you could all put aside your petty grievances for a night, and come together in the bonds of friendship.
ABEL: Yes... for some reason… (chuckles)
CAIN: Quiet, Abby.
EDWARD: Wait a minute, what did the little one say?
JERVIS: I didn’t say anything!
EDWARD: I wasn’t TALKING about you, Jervis!
CAIN: Now, if you’ll be so kind as to follow me, it is time for dinner and a show.
HARLEY: Oooh! A show? Who’s in it?
CAIN: Why, my darling Dr. Quinzel, you are. All of you. For you see... by the light of tomorrow’s morn, one of you... will die.
Silence.
EDWARD: Are you kidding?
SELENA: One of us already died, tontón.
CAIN: Abby, is that true?
ABEL: I believe it might be, brother.
CAIN: How many people did you invite?
ABEL: Ten.
CAIN: How many are there here?
ABEL: ...I count nine.
CAIN: Then allow me to... rephrase. [clears throat] By the light of tomorrow’s morn... ALL of you... will die.
Everyone laughs.
CAIN: Why are they laughing, Abby?
ABEL: I don’t think they believe you, brother.
CAIN: Ahh.
CAIN snaps his finger and DIGGER explodes.
EDWARD: Jesus Christ! George!
HARLEY: Oh God, it’s everywhere.
CAIN: Do you think they believe me now?
ABEL: I... believe they do.
CAIN and ABEL laugh.
CAIN: Now! We shall take care of your bags, and dinner is just through the door ahead. We hope you brought your appetites!
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT
EDWARD: What the fuck?
EPISODE THREE: THIRD CIRCLE (GLUTTONY)
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT
HARVEY: Apparently we’re all going to be dead by morning. We’re okay with it. The only thing left on our bucket list was to guest star on Law & Order, but if Jerry Orbach’s dead, who really cares anymore, right? (sighs) He was so good in Chicago.
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT
CAIN and ABEL are bringing the guests in.
CAIN: Everything you could possibly want, in a variety of courses. Although - and we do apologise - there is only one steak. There was a mix up in rituals, and the steaks were sacrificed instead of the lamb I had specifically summoned for that exact purpose.
ABEL: I have already apologised.
CAIN: But as you mortals say, when life gives you lemons, you serve it with a braised rack of lamb and some chops.
JON: Yeah, that’s how that goes.
SELENA: Dibs.
OSWALD: Ha, hardly.
EDWARD: So, quick question. When you say we’re all going to be dead by morning... ummm... really?
CAIN: Oh that? Hahahhahahaha!
EDWARD laughs along with CAIN.
CAIN: Absolutely.
EDWARD: Ah.
SELENA: What about the camera crew?
ABEL: The who now?
HARVEY: Them.
CAIN: They’re filming this?
WAYLON: Yeah, it’s like a documentary thing. They said to just pretend they ain’t there.
ABEL: Hello.
CAIN: Shush, Abby. Well, we’ll think of them as your plus ones... which I guess... they, what... let them live?
ABEL: For the best.
CAIN: They can live.
EDWARD: Oh good. That was, really, my concern. Though one is left to wonder, what if we were to, say, flip you off and walk out the front door?
CAIN: Oh goodness, thank you for reminding me.
CAIN snaps his fingers and the doors lock, windows bar shut.
CAIN: I’d almost forgotten to seal you all in for the night. How kind of you to remind me.
JON: Oh, BRAVO.
HARLEY: Way to go, Eddie.
EDWARD: Well done Edward. High fives all around.
CAIN: Now, if there’s nothing else - take a seat! Dinner is... served.
OSWALD: I’ll take that steak now.
SELENA: It’s closer to me, it’s mine.
OSWALD: The hell it is.
OSWALD pulls his umbrella, the switch blade tip shoots out; OSWALD stabs the steak and brings it to himself.
SELENA: (curses in Spanish)
EDWARD: And here I was thinking you brought that umbrella for self defence, and not as a utensil.
OSWALD: It’s as efficient at procuring meat as it is removing it, Edward. Would you like a demonstration?
EDWARD: I’ll keep my brilliant observations and various appendages to myself.
OSWALD: Smart man. Though red wine can’t be thoroughly enjoyed without a decent red, so I propose a toast. The setting is strange, the company bizarre, and two people have already died, but I think we can all agree... we didn’t really have any other plans tonight, or else we would all be doing that instead.
HARLEY: Hear hear.
HARVEY: Absolutely.
JON: I wouldn’t drink that.
OSWALD: Oh no? Is the illustrious master of fear a sommelier in his spare time?
JON: Alright, first off - fear doesn’t take a day off so neither do I, and no - but I do know the smell of BTX.
OSWALD: Eh?
EDWARD AND HARVEY: Batrachotoxin.
JON: Comes from dart frogs. Doesn’t take much to kill ya, and if I can smell it from my glass, then there’s more than enough to do the trick.
OSWALD: Is there indeed. Well, as the Cobblepots used to say many... many years ago, (toasts in German)
OSWALD drinks and the crowd protests.
OSWALD: I can’t help but feel there’s the chance we’re being tested tonight. So perhaps our strengths may lead into our weaknesses. Poisons are not in my wheelhouse, so I will not fall victim to them. We should remember that our hosts are as cunning as they are bizarre.
OSWALD reels from the wine; crowd reacts.
HARLEY: Whoop! There goes another one!
OSWALD steadies himself.
OSWALD: No, no... the wine’s not poisoned. It’s just Australian. And now, my... where’s my steak gone?
SELENA laughs.
SELENA: Too slow, gordo. Hahaha.
SELENA takes a bite on the end of her laugh, and almost immediately begins to choke.
JON: Oh shit. We got a choker.
HARLEY: Does anybody know the Heimlich Manoeuvre?
JERVIS: Aren’t you a doctor?
HARLEY: Yeah, but I’m eatin’ here.
EDWARD: It’s not called that anymore.
JERVIS: What? Since when?
EDWARD: I’d say about... 2006? There was an article about it in the Gazette. Apparently, Heimlich said that back blows were harmful to saving a life, which was actually misleading.
JON: I read that one. That’s why it’s called the... five and five?
SELENA falls to the ground.
EDWARD: Yeah! Or just Abdominal Thrusts, but yes - five abdominal thrusts, and five back blows. Rinse, repeat, and there you go.
HARLEY: Well do the thrusts and the... blows!
EDWARD: Well, I would have, but she’s passed out now, so now she’d need chest compressions and rescue breaths, after checking if the airway is clear, which... haha, well, if it were, we wouldn’t be talking about it, right?
WAYLON: I heard they changed the beats to that. Didn’t it used to be slower?
EDWARD: That’s right too - It used to be 100 beats per minute. Roughly the beat of Stayin’ Alive, but now it can be from 100 to 120 - ironically, one of the best songs for keeping track is Another One Bites the Dust.
OSWALD: How delightfully macabre.
HARLEY: Can you do any of that right now?
EDWARD: Oh! Right. Haha, I got all carried away. Let’s see... oh dammit.
JERVIS: What’s wrong?
EDWARD: There’s red wine on the floor. Got it all over my knee. It must’ve been knocked over in the fuss. Oh, and Selena’s dead.
JON: What, dead dead?
EDWARD: Not mostly dead, Jon. This isn’t The Princess Bride.
EDWARD stands.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT
OSWALD: I would never wish ill on another human being. What happened was both tragic and regrettable, and if I had known those children were playing in the street, I certainly would have told my driver to slow down. But I... hmm? Oh, this is about the steak incident? Oh... well Ms. Kyle simply got what she deserved.
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT
JON: Hey Oswald - d’you still want what’s left of the steak?
OSWALD: Eating a dead woman’s meal as if it’s some sort of culinary bequeathment? No thank you.
WAYLON: Hey, I’ll take it.
JON: Oop!
JON throws the steak to WAYLON eats it.
WAYLON: [begins to choke]
EDWARD: Oh, Christ.
WAYLON: Ha! I’m just kidding.
EDWARD: Waylon… goddammit.
HARVEY: Pass the fish. Harley, you want some?
HARLEY: Two pieces please.
HARVEY: A woman after our own heart.
General table chatter.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT
JERVIS: We’ve been at the House of Mystery for roughly half an hour, and three of us are already dead. As far as nights out go, we’re doing better than I had expected.
EPISODE FOUR: FOURTH CIRCLE (GREED)
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT
EDWARD: Well... tonight is shaping up to be, a bit of a downer. We’ve lost Joker to his own bombs, Digger to internal combustion, and Selena to a porterhouse steak. Four dead already…
HARLEY: That’s only three, Eddie.
EDWARD: I always add Jon to the total. He’s dead inside, so it checks out.
JON: He ain’t wrong.
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT
The rogues are set up in the sitting room for Digestifs.
EDWARD: Voilà! Les digestifs sont préparés! A crème de cassis for Oswald.
OSWALD: Merci bien.
EDWARD: A Singapore Sling for Harley.
HARLEY squeals.
HARLEY: Oooh, merci Mr. Fancypants.
EDWARD: Straight rum for Waylon.
WAYLON: Much obliged.
EDWARD: A gin martini, hold the vermouth for Harvey.
HARVEY: Ohhh, this is gonna burn.
EDWARD: Jon’s getting a visit from his Aunt Roberta.
JON: She’s always welcome.
EDWARD: Fuller’s Vintage for Jervis.
JERVIS: Cheers to that.
EDWARD: And a Death in the Afternoon for the man in the green suit. (cheers) To the remaining.
OSWALD: Jonathan Crane, what are you doing?
JON: I’m sittin’ down - is that illegal?
OSWALD: Well, I don’t know what backwater whorehouse you learned etiquette from, but a gentleman does not sit until the lady has.
WAYLON: I knew that one! Where’s your southern charm, Jon Boy?
JON: Are you kiddin’ me?
EDWARD: It’s a matter of courtesy.
HARLEY: Yeah, Johnny! Be courteous, and you might get a spanking.
EDWARD: And?
HARLEY: Or! What did I say?
JON: Alright, at the risk of offending the masses.
JON stands up. A massive suit of armour crashed down on the chair, piercing the spot where JON’S chest would’ve been. GROUP shock.
OSWALD: A death averted. A man saved by my exceedingly impeccable pedigree.
JON: Well, that’d been me fucked.
CAIN and ABEL arrive in a whoosh of fire.
CAIN: Well! I trust the evening is going smoothly.
JERVIS: Smoothly? You call poison and near decapitation “smoothly”?
CAIN: No, I call it tremendous fun! And now with only six of you remaining, I wonder...
ABEL: There’s still seven of them. The armour didn’t work.
CAIN: Hmm, I seem to remember you calling that a ‘sure thing’, Abby.
ABEL: I was certain it was.
CAIN: We’ll discuss this later.
EDWARD: I don’t suppose you’d like to fill us in on any other possible impending pitfalls to our mortality?
CAIN: All in good time, my dear Mr. Nygma. Unless humans are allergic to strychnine, in which case - don’t drink the rum.
WAYLON spits his drink out.
CAIN: Haha! Only joking. Only joking...
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT
WAYLON: Only joking. Only joking. Ye hear me fuckin’ laughin’?
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT
FIRE EXIT.
HARVEY: We have to admit, we’re surprised that, given who we are, no one’s tried to shoot those two.
JERVIS: Considering they come and go in a whoosh of flame, I think we’d need one hell of a gun.
JON: Maybe like one of them.
WAYLON: God damn - now that’s a set of guns.
HARVEY: You’re tellin’ us. Look at those. There’s gotta be a million dollars on this wall alone.
WAYLON: Colt Patterson, Colt Walker...
HARVEY: Those are George Washington’s saddle pistols!
JON: There’s the golden Colt... and... what the hell’s this one? AH?
HARVEY: Move - let us see. Jesus Christ... that’s HITLER’S Walther PP!
WAYLON: HITLER’s Walther PP! Ho-lee shit! They can’t be the real deal. They gotta be replicas. Let’s see... okay, if this is Roosevelt’s Double Barrel shotgun, then there should be some writin’ on it. It should say Made Expressly for Theodore Roosevelt.
HARVEY: What’re you doing? That’s a priceless gun! Don’t get your claws all over ‘em.
WAYLON: I know how... to... handle a gun, Harvey! Just... let... GO!
HARVEY pulls the trigger by accident and kills WAYLON. BOOM. WAYLON is dead.
HARVEY: Oops.
EDWARD: Well... I mean, who didn’t see that one coming.
OSWALD: Who had Waylon as the next one out?
JERVIS: Yes!
JON: Fuck.
OSWALD: Fifty dollars to the little man.
JERVIS: Frabjous Day! Callooh Callay!
JON: Hey Jervis.
JERVIS: Hmm?
JON: I bet if you give me that money, you won’t be next.
JERVIS: I... but... I just... That... sounds like a good bet.
JON: Well Callooh Callay.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
JON: People think that I’m some kind of a monster. That I enjoy preyin’ on the weak and unfortunate. That I, for some reason, enjoy kicking downward at every opportunity. And they would be... absolutely correct. But in all fairness, Ed does too.
EDWARD: Oh, that was never up for debate.
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY
OSWALD: Perhaps, seeing as we seem to be the instruments of either our own demise or someone else’s, we should retire. Surely we can’t do any harm whilst asleep.
JON: I feel like sleeping in separate rooms may leave us vulnerable.
EDWARD: We should pair up.
OSWALD: I’ll sleep with Harvey.
The room falls silent.
OSWALD: Harvey and I will share a room.
JON: I can bunk with Harley.
EDWARD: Ohhh no. The goal is to sleep, slick. Not... yeagh.
HARLEY: Maybe I’ll die the same way Selena did, hm?
JON chuckles.
EDWARD: [after a pause] AUGH. Harley, you’re staying with me.
HARLEY: You got it, Eddie. I’ll try not to snore too loud.
EDWARD: Much appreciated.
JON: Wake me up, and you’ll be fifty bucks richer. Get it?
JERVIS: Got it.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
JERVIS: I’m having a wonderful time. Frabjous.
EPISODE FIVE: FIFTH CIRCLE (WRATH)
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
EDWARD: So in the hopes that we may survive this, Oswald said it was time to go night night. Maybe when we’re asleep we can’t kill each other. Obviously, he’s never shared a room with Jon after he’s had red meat.
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY
JON and JERVIS share a room. There’s silence.
JERVIS: Jon? Psst. Jon? Are you asleep?
JON: Yes.
JERVIS: Oh, sorry.
JON: Fuck’s sake. What?
JERVIS: I can’t sleep.
JON: I don’t care.
JERVIS: Do you know any good stories?
JON: About 13,764. And you burned them all.
JERVIS: Oh god, that old chestnut. I thought I was going to die! We all did!
JON: Then you run away! You don’t burn down libraries! Temples of the enlightened! Safe havens for the mind!
JERVIS: You sound like Edward when you talk like that.
JON: Of course I do! We’re intellectuals!
JERVIS: Someone burned down the Library of Alexandria, Jonathan, are you mad about that too?
JON: The loss of quite possibly the largest and most significant library of the ancient world? I’m FURIOUS!
A dull thumping is heard.
OSWALD (THROUGH WALL): Keep it down in there, god dammit!
JON: Jervis is defending book burning!
OSWALD: Then just kill him for Christ’s sake, before I kill you both!
JON: Not knowing the importance of the library of Alexandria. It’s like...
JON pauses. He has an idea.
JON: It’s like not knowin’ Harley ain’t a natural blonde.
PAUSE.
JERVIS: I beg pardon?
JON: Harley. Did you...nah. You didn’t think she was, didja?
JERVIS: Of course she is.
JON: Ohhh, Jervis. She’s good, but I know the truth.
JERVIS: I don’t believe you.
JON: You wanna see?
JERVIS: I don’t see how we possibly could.
JON: Well, let’s just say there’s one place Harley ain’t puttin’ a highlightin’ cap, and I reckon if we’re quiet enough, we might just be able to get a look.
JERVIS: No! No, no, no, no, we couldn’t! I mean, surely she would awaken if we...
JON: Nah, she sleeps real heavy, and she don’t wear much to bed. If anything.
JERVIS: Oh good lord.
JON: Come on.
JON and JERVIS are in the hallway outside HARLEY and ED’S door.
JON: Alright, so it’s like I told ya, real quiet, lift the sheets, and bingo.
JERVIS: What if Edward wakes up?
JON: Good money says he’s wearing his sleep mask and well off to sleep by now.
JERVIS: Alright, here goes. (opens the door)
JON: Jervis?
JERVIS: Hmm?
JON: I believe in you.
JERVIS: Thank you. (closes the door)
JON: Psst. Hey. Y’all stay out here. Y’all ready to see somethin’ real funny?
HARLEY screams, a shotgun blast is heard, hitting the door JON is standing by. EDWARD wakes up yelling.
EDWARD: JESUS CHRIST! WHAT?! WHAT?!?!
EDWARD sees JERVIS with his chest blown out; EDWARD laughs hysterically.
HARLEY: The little pervert was tryin’ to sneak a peek!
JON: I knew you still slept with that thing!
HARLEY: Jonny! Why would you do that?
JON: So you’d shoot him! Figured this was the best way. Guess that means I owe him fifty bucks, huh?
EDWARD: That. Is. Hilarious.
JON and EDWARD laugh, HARLEY doesn’t.
JON: Oh, come on now, Harley. If you hadn’t killed him, I would’ve anyhow.
HARLEY: Hmph.
JON: You want me to make it up to you?
HARLEY: How?
JON whispers.
HARLEY: Edward. The room is yours.
JON and HARLEY leave.
EDWARD: (recovering) You kids go nuts. I’ll just... clean this up. … Thanks.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
EDWARD: In all fairness, it was more than fair. A dead Tetch AND a room to myself? (chuckles) Pretty sweet deal.
JON: Hey Ed.
EDWARD: Hmm?
JON: Harley Quim.
EDWARD: You’re absolutely vile.
JON: (laughs) Yep.
EPISODE SIX: SIXTH CIRCLE (HERESY)
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT
JON: Apparently we were too loud.
HARLEY: Oopsie.
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT
EDWARD is awoken by arguing.
EDWARD: Oh god, what now?
EDWARD steps out in the hallway.
OSWALD: What did I say would happen if you didn’t keep quiet?
JON: Oh, so you don’t hear Jervis gettin’ popped down the hall, but THIS wakes you up?
HARVEY: Someone shot Jervis?
OSWALD: Call it selective hearing - but a warning is a warning.
EDWARD: Jon and Harley left alone in a room doing something loud enough to wake up Oswald. A part of me would be curious were I not filled with both exhaustion and apathy.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
HARLEY: We played Twister.
JON: Yes we did.
HARLEY: Then we fucked.
JON: Yes we did.
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY
HARVEY: Can we back up? Who shot Jervis?
HARLEY: Eddie - help us sort this out so we can get some sleep.
OSWALD: That’s all I’ve wanted all bloody night, you trollop!
HARLEY gasps and slaps OSWALD.
EDWARD: Ohhhkay! Everyone to their corners.
OSWALD: Nope! They’ve done it now! Someone’s going to fucking die!
EDWARD laughs.
OSWALD: This amuses you?
EDWARD: Of course it does! I’m just waiting for you to say, “Harvey go kill someone for me”! Because God knows you’re not going to do it yourself.
OSWALD: Are you insinuating that I can’t handle my own affairs?
EDWARD: No, no, no. I’m flat out TELLING you, Oswald. I wonder if you’d know how to wipe your own ass without Harvey giving you directions.
OSWALD: I... how... DARE... you! You think I can’t fight my own battles? Hmmm? You want me to handle business myself? Harvey! Your gun.
HARVEY hands OSWALD one of his guns. OSWALD shoots HARVEY; general surprise.
OSWALD: Anything to say now, Edward? Can I sufficiently handle my own business now?
EDWARD: Are you COMPLETELY deranged?
OSWALD: I’m starting to think I’m the only one who’s seeing the world for what it is. Seeing who’s plotting against who.
JON: Nobody’s plottin’ against you. Can’t you see this house is turning against us?
HARLEY: Jonny’s right!
EDWARD: And also, it’s “whom”.
OSWALD lashes out.
JON: Whoa now!
OSWALD: It was all a plan to get me alone, get me vulnerable! Removing pieces from the chessboard!
EDWARD: YOU’RE the one who shot Harvey!
OSWALD: You goaded me into it!
EDWARD: Oh! So if I told you to jump off a bridge, you would?
OSWALD: Aha! You heard it! He’s trying to push me into suicide!
EDWARD: Oh yes, because CLEARLY the REAL rogue here was PEER PRESSURE!
JON: Enough! What is goin’ on here? You two never fight like this. For Christ’s sake, if any two people should be bat shit crazy here, it’s Harley and me.
HARLEY: Yeah! Hey.
JON: Nobody’s gonna be killin’ anybody else tonight!
EDWARD: Especially since I have Harvey’s gun now.
OSWALD: How did you...? Edward - my most trusted friend and confidante.
EDWARD: Here it is...
OSWALD: Th-think of our... history! Our friendship! The exorbitant raise you’ll be getting!
EDWARD: Oh, Oswald...
OSWALD: What are you going to do, Edward?
EDWARD: I’m going to do what you should have done, old friend.
OSWALD: No, Edward!
EDWARD fires the gun. It hits HARVEY again.
OSWALD: I... I’m alive.
EDWARD: Of course you are.
JON: Well then who did you shoot?
EDWARD: Harvey again. Oh come on, it was driving us all crazy that Oswald only shot him once. It’s the LEAST we could do, to put his spirit at rest.
HARLEY: You’re an absolute mensch, Eddie.
EDWARD: Thank you, Harley. Now can we all PLEASE go back to bed?
OSWALD: Capital idea, Edward. And perhaps for safety's sake, Mr. Dent’s pistol should be relieved of its cargo.
EDWARD: Good idea.
EDWARD empties the bullets.
OSWALD: Most excellent. After all, I’d be a fool to bring a knife to a gunfight!
OSWALD arms his umbrella.
JON: Oh for fuck’s sake!
HARLEY screams.
EDWARD: Everyone run! He’s got an umbrella!
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
EDWARD: Just between you and me, I’m starting to get the feeling that, maybe... just maybe, John Constantine was on to something about this place.
EPISODE SEVEN: SEVENTH CIRCLE (VIOLENCE)
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
HARLEY: If there was something positive I could take away from all this? Uhmmm... the fish was really good. Eddie made a really good Singapore Sling, but I had to stop drinking it when it got brains in it.
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT
EDWARD: Oswald, we can talk about this!
OSWALD: The time to talk is over! You didn’t want to talk when you had the gun!
EDWARD: Of course not! It’s called leverage, you pompous maniac!
JON: You’re not helping, Ed!
OSWALD: Your conspiracies will be your demise!
EDWARD: A little help, Harley!
HARLEY: You’re doing great, Eddie!
EDWARD: Not moral support! Go find something to hit him with!
HARLEY: On it!
OSWALD: You could both make this easier on yourselves if you just died!
JON: Oh right! How selfish of me!
EDWARD: Jon! Fireplace!
JON: Pokers! Here!
EDWARD: Thank you!
OSWALD: Gah! A fair fight. Detestable!
Clangs and clatters; sword fighting.
EDWARD: Oh Oswald, you’re getting slow, old man. You call that a riposte?
OSWALD slashes. Catches Edward.
EDWARD: Shit!
JON: Ed!
OSWALD: A prime parry when you should have used a quinte? Pathetic!
Clings and Clangs.
OSWALD: You think you can best me, Doctor Crane? I used to fence for Oxford!
JON: Oh yeah? Well I used to… ah, fuck it.
JON kicks OSWALD in the groin.
OSWALD: Oooh, right in the lads!
OSWALD rages out and knocks the poker out of JON’S hand, knocking him over; he curses.
OSWALD: Any clever last words from the former Master of Fear?
JON: Heh, yeah. Rock beats scissors.
OSWALD: Eh?
HARLEY smashes her hammer across OSWALD’S head. He falls over, unconscious.
JON: Good timing, Harley.
HARLEY: Thanks, Jonny.
JON: You bring that thing with you everywhere?
HARLEY: Ya never know when you’re gonna pass a state fair, or someone who needs their eggs scrambled.
EDWARD murmurs.
HARLEY: Oh, Eddie! Are you dead?
EDWARD: I may as well be, for the damage he’s done. My face. My... beautiful face. I mean - punch me all you like, but a knife? And an umbrella knife at that? It’s over.
JON: It probably feels worse than it actually is. Let’s see.
EDWARD sits up. HARLEY winces. EDWARD has a scar IDENTICAL to JON’S.
EDWARD: It’s horrible. It’s awful.
HARLEY: It... could have been worse, Eddie.
EDWARD: I feel like my face is holding on by a thread. A string of viscera.
JON: Oh, it looks just like mine.
EDWARD: OH GODS... WHY WOULD YOU CURSE ME SO? I’m made a freak, a wretch before your divine eyes. LAUGH, LAUGH UPON OLYMPUS YOU FIENDS.
JON: Well, if I had any feelings, that hurt just about all of them.
EDWARD: I couldn’t give a tinker’s fig about your FEELINGS. This is terrible. Tragic! What else could happen now?!
OSWALD: (roars) I’ll kill the bally lot of you! Starting with YOU!
OSWALD lunges at HARLEY.
JON: Harley! Look out!
HARLEY dodges. OSWALD lunges right into the wall, striking the electrical wiring; he falls.
EDWARD: Wow. The wiring in this house SUCKS. Breathe easy, my friends, we may yet live to see the dawn. I can’t believe he thought there was a conspiracy.
JON: It is a bit far fetched.
EDWARD: I mean, obviously I could’ve planned something. Hell, so could’ve Harley. But you? A plan? Haha, that’d be the day.
JON: Well, I’ve planned things before, Ed.
EDWARD: Well yeah, birthdays, haha - maybe a little surprise shindig for Ikky, but we’re talking big brain here.
HARLEY: I’m sure he doesn’t mean anything by it, do ya Ed?
EDWARD: What, that Jon can just about manage to tie his shoes without drooling?
HARLEY: Oh boy.
JON: Hey - I can plan, dickhead. I could bring Gotham City to its knees, and I could definitely conspire to kill someone.
EDWARD: Okay, genius - show me. How would you kill... Harley?
HARLEY: Could we not?
JON: Harley? Easy. You wind up some chattering teeth and let ‘em out in the hallway. She thinks to herself, maybe my puddin’s still alive. Rushes out to see, and [neck cut noise].
EDWARD: Oh please, she’d see through that in a second.
JON: Alright, smartass - YOU kill Harley!
HARLEY: How about nobody kills Harley.
EDWARD: Easy! Sneak in while she’s asleep. Single bullet to the head. It doesn’t have to be Shakespeare, Jon.
JON: ‘Course it’d work better if we teamed up. Make it sound like one of us was on her side. The whole point is illusion, Ed. It doesn’t have to be Shakespeare, but it does have to have subtlety. I mean, Harley ain’t an idiot, but she does have to die.
HARLEY: I can’t believe it. Oswald was right about you two, wasn’t he? This is all some sort of sick joke you two brewed up! Well I’m not gonna fall for it! You’re not takin’ me down!
JON: Oh come on, Harley! It was just thinkin’ too far!
EDWARD: We would never ACTUALLY kill you!
HARLEY: Yer not gonna get the chance! You... maniacs!
JON: Harley. I know you’re mad - you have every right to be, but we’re all on the same side here. I know you might not believe us. At worst, we were sadistic, at best? Rude, but we didn’t mean what we said, and if you can’t find it in your heart to forgive, then at the very least... kill Ed.
EDWARD: What?!
JON: He’s had it in for you since day one, girl.
EDWARD: You ASSHOLE!
JON: Day one.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
JON: If it’s comin’ down to Ed or me... [scoffs] it ain’t gonna be me.
EPISODE EIGHT: EIGHTH CIRCLE (FRAUD)
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
JON: Okay, I may have been a bit of a bastard, but in case you didn’t read the sign on my door before y’all met me, I’m Jonathan Fucking Crane. MD.
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY
EDWARD: Now, Harley… think of the good times! Remember when you shot Jervis?
HARLEY swings.
EDWARD: Or when Jon tried to get you to kill me but you saw through it and killed him instead?
HARLEY swings.
EDWARD: Or when we... oh, shit... I got nothing else.
JON: See? He’s got nothin’! But us? We got history!
HARLEY swings.
JON: Remember when you accidentally flashed me in Joker’s hideout?
HARLEY swings.
JON: Or how about Twister! We love Twister, remember? Even though you cheat?
EDWARD: How do you cheat at Twister?
JON: Not the time, Ed.
HARLEY swings.
JON: Or... hey! How about the time I railed you down in Level 4?
HARLEY swings.
HARLEY: You’re both DEAD MEAT! You’re lucky Mistah J’s not around, because I’m gonna make it so much faster than he would!
EDWARD: Harley! We both... definitely appreciate your... generosity, but you might want to stop swinging that hammer!
HARLEY swings again.
JON: Alright, Harley. Enough. I don’t know how much more this house can take, so just... finish this. I surrender.
EDWARD: Jon, I...
JON: What?
EDWARD: Nothing... carry on.
HARLEY: Say hi to my puddin’ for me. In hell!
HARLEY swings, JON dodges, the pillar is smashed.
HARLEY: Oops.
The floor above caves in on HARLEY.
EDWARD: Wow... that show really...
JON: Don’t.
EDWARD: Brought down the house!
EDWARD laughs; JON groans and gets up.
EDWARD: Oh, come on! That was great!
JON: Well now there’s two of us.
EDWARD: The two amigos, the two musketeers, the dynamic duo. All we have to do is wait until sunrise and we’re home free.
JON: I suppose so...
EDWARD: You don’t sound too sure.
JON: Those two... the uh - hosts.
EDWARD: Cain and Abel? What of them?
JON: They said we’re all gonna die by sunrise.
EDWARD: And?
JON: What if we’re... I don’t know, supposed to?
EDWARD: I don’t follow.
JON: There’s clearly some strong magic runnin’ through here. So what if... I don’t know, the only way to get out in one piece is to die?
EDWARD: It’s an interesting theory, Jon, but you’re overlooking one teensy little detail.
JON: Which is?
EDWARD: It’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard in my life.
JON: Well, what if dyin’ is gonna be like... a trigger? Something that resets everything? How could you sleep, knowing that you could have saved everyone from dying tonight?
EDWARD: I’m sorry - did Harley knock out the only braincell you had left? Save people? When did you ever care about saving people?
JON: These ain’t random badges, Ed. These are the closest things we have to friends, and they’re all dead.
EDWARD: We’re Rogues, Jon - that’s what we do. Or at least everyone outside of Gotham City. Here, Batman drops you off in a wicker straightjacket outside Arkham Orphanage with a little note that says “CRAZY, PLEASE HELP, LOVE, BATSY”. You ask how I would live? Comfortably in my silk sheets, quite possibly with both eyes closed for the first time in my life. If you think it’s gonna work, then by all means, kill yourself.
JON: Yeah, you’re probably right.
EDWARD: The sun is almost up - we walk out together, or I walk out alone. Either way, I’m getting the Early Bird special at the first greasy spoon I find because I just cannot give the slightest amount of fucks anymore.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
JON: I think I have to kill Ed.
EPISODE NINE: NINTH CIRCLE (TREACHERY)
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
EDWARD: I think I have to kill Jon. (shrugs)
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY
EDWARD: Alright, you ready? Door’s probably going to open any minute.
JON: Ready to face freedom together?
EDWARD: Good lord, yes.
JON: Lay on, MacDuff.
EDWARD: I shall.
EDWARD and JONATHAN walk to the door.
EDWARD: You know, I guess if I’ve learned anything over this whole thing, it’s who I can safely turn my back on. I have to admit, I didn’t think it was going to be you.
JON: The feeling’s mutual.
EDWARD: Two friends, or some close approximation, ready to bathe in the golden light of freedom, and have about the worst gastric experience one can have for 4.99.
JON: Sounds like paradise. It’s just a shame that… you won’t be able to see it -
JON pulls a knife. EDWARD has already pulled one, dodges, and stabs JON.
EDWARD laughs.
EDWARD: Oh Jon... all these years as a villain, and you still tried to monologue. Such a pity.
JON falls dead.
EDWARD: And pulling a knife. On me! I can’t believe you would try something so incredibly underhanded! The AUDACITY!
A pause.
EDWARD: (laughs) Oh... I’m going to miss that. Anyway. Somebody going to help with this damn door?
FIRE: CAIN and ABEL appear.
CAIN: It would seem congratulations are in order.
ABEL: Clearly we were mistaken in our declaration.
CAIN: And one of us will pay dearly for it.
ABEL gulps.
CAIN: I’ve prepared a short speech, and a delightful gift basket as a reward, Mr. Nygma.
CAIN clears his throat.
CAIN: It was on the seventh day, when the lord said --
EDWARD: Great speech. Loved it. The middle part? What a twist. Door. Open. Now.
CAIN snaps his fingers; the door opens.
EDWARD: I’ll take that basket, fuck you… and just… out of my way, fuck you very much…
EDWARD walks out.
EDWARD: (laughs) So long, losers! You have to get up WAY earlier than this to beat EDWARD NYGM--
EDWARD is hit by a double decker bus.
CAIN: Hmm.
ABEL: For the best, I think.
CAIN: Breakfast?
ABEL: Cracking.
EPISODE TEN: ???
EXT. CITY STREET - DAWN
EDWARD: (struggling) Well, here I am... the great Edward Henry Nygma, dying after being hit by a double-decker bus. (tries to laugh) Constantine was right: this was a bad idea. Ugh... In my final breaths, I can still hear his barely passable Scottish accent grating my ears, chiding me.
CONSTANTINE: Edward... Edward...
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
CONSTANTINE: Edward!
EDWARD: Hmm?
Edward is back with everyone. The party hasn’t started yet.
CONSTANTINE: I said, you’re not goin’ in there, are ye? That’s the House of Mystery.
EDWARD: (sarcastic) Is it? I thought the... (suddenly uncertain) invitation was lying.
CONSTANTINE: Don’t go in there, Edward Nygma. It is an evil place, ill winds blow on anyone who dares set foot within.
EDWARD: …(echoing) dares set foot within.
CONSTANTINE: This is my last warning - you will find only death within.
EDWARD: Hmm... I really want to tell you off, but something’s telling me you might have a point. Hey guys? Guys? Do any of you have your heart set on this thing?
JON: Eh?
WAYLON: Why’d ya ask?
JOKER: Who wants to know?
EDWARD: I just... I think I’d rather just go somewhere else and get plastered. How about drinks on me at the Iceberg Lounge?
OSWALD: My dear boy, if we’re going to the Iceberg Lounge, you’ll need some real coin. Drinks are on ME tonight!
General approval.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR.
EDWARD: I can’t help but feel I just avoided a... horrible thing.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR.
CAIN: Fuck John Constantine.
ABEL: Right in his thistled arsehole.
