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Murder in the House of Mystery - Episode 02
🕑 Added 2022-11-02 00:00:03 +0000 UTC
Guest Starring Lucia Lobosvilla as Selena Kyle
EPISODE TWO: SECOND CIRCLE (LUST)
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT
Edward and Jonathan are being interviewed.
EDWARD: Was it a bad idea to put this many rogues in one place? I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. But if one of us manages to die before the night’s over? I’m going to laugh my fucking ass off.
JON: Can we say fuck? We can? Fuck.
EDWARD: Fuck.
EXT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT
JOKER is standing triumphantly on the roof.
JOKER: I got it! I got it! Yes! This time, JOKER will save the day!
WAYLON: Ahh yeh got lucky. Now fix the damn bell so we can eat.
JON: Amen.
HARLEY: Speech! Speech!
SELENA: Are you kidding me with this?
JOKER: (clears throat) Four half-minutes and seven seconds ago, I scaled a wall and arrived at the severed cord that is preventing this party from starting!
DIGGER and JON talk while JOKER is pontificating.
DIGGER: Smuggled a few tinnies in. Figured why wait for someone else to start the party, eh?
JON: It ain’t Fosters, is it?
DIGGER: Foster’s piss, mate. VB.
JON: Oh damn, aight.
They open their beers.
JOKER: And like a feral raccoon saving its babies from the impending shark attack, I too will save you from your dreary, miserable lives by single-handedly fix--
EDWARD: Fix the fucking cord!
HARVEY: Fix the fucking cord!
JOKER: Okay! Geez!
HARLEY: I liked your speech, Mister J! Second best thing you did with your tongue today!
JERVIS: God I hope he licked a lollipop.
SELENA: I hope he ate pussy.
JERVIS makes a small noise of virginal despair. JOKER attaches the wire, but a large spark sends him off the roof and onto the lawn.
JOKER: I’m alright! Everything is going to be A-OKAY!
The Gigglebombs from inside JOKER’S jacket tumble out and activate.
JOKER: Oop. Scratch that.
The Gigglebombs detonate, sending pieces of JOKER across the lawn in many new and exciting directions.
HARLEY: PUDDIN’!
JON: At this point...
JON AND EDWARD: He probably is!
EDWARD: Ahhh, classic. Right - who’s hungry?
HARLEY is now sobbing as she collects as much of the JOKER as she can. Her performance seems... too upset. Like she’s putting it on.
OSWALD: Famished.
EDWARD: Excellent! Harvey, ring the bell. Waylon, you have a little Joker on you, and Harley - for god’s sake dial it back.
HARLEY: Too much?
EDWARD: We’re looking for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, and you’re giving us Cats.
HARLEY: [sniffle] Elaine Page?
EDWARD: Rebel Wilson.
HARLEY cries in disappointment.
HARVEY: Stop shitting on Cats!
HARVEY rings the doorbell. The door slowly opens, as if by a mystical force.
OSWALD: Did you open that?
HARVEY: No.
OSWALD: I’m sure it’s fine. Get in. Get in.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT
DIGGER: Was it a bit jarrin’ seein’ Joker explode on the front lawn? Absolutely. Did I enjoy the fact the front door opened on its own? No, but I’m about ten tinnies in on a baker’s dozen, so Mother Theresa could come back to life and flash me her map of Tasmania and I wouldn’t think twice about it.
JERVIS: I’d be amazed if you could think once.
EDWARD: Oh, good one! Up high!
JERVIS: Down low?
EDWARD: That was down low, short ass.
A pause.
EDWARD: And one for Ed! Up high!
EDWARD high-fives himself.
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY - NIGHT
The rogues are making their way inside.
EDWARD: What an interesting style choice. American Gothic meets Satanic B&B. It’s like walking into my worst nightmare... or Jon’s wettest dream.
JON: Your worst nightmare is my wettest dream.
EDWARD: [scoff] Nice comeback, comeback.
OSWALD: I don’t smell any food.
SELENA: Uh oh. It’s been thirty minutes and Oswald hasn’t eaten.
JON: Next stop: cannibalism.
SELENA: Donner, party of 10.
SELENA and JON laugh.
SELENA: Wait, nine. Sorry Harley.
HARLEY: Eh, I’m over it.
JON: Oh yeah?
EDWARD: Put it away.
HARVEY: You could always grab a piece of Joker like Waylon did.
EDWARD: You did not.
SELENA: Ew.
WAYLON: I did not! I was gonna, but then I figured he’d probably taste funny.
JERVIS, JON, EDWARD, and OSWALD laugh.
JON: Where in the hell are the damn hosts?
UNKNOWN ONE: Damned, more like.
UNKNOWN TWO: And for those curious, it was the second circle. Wehhhh...
CAIN: Welcome, to the House of Mystery. I am Cain, and this is my brother, Abel. And let me just say, it is so wonderful that you could all put aside your petty grievances for a night, and come together in the bonds of friendship.
ABEL: Yes... for some reason… (chuckles)
CAIN: Quiet, Abby.
EDWARD: Wait a minute, what did the little one say?
JERVIS: I didn’t say anything!
EDWARD: I wasn’t TALKING about you, Jervis!
CAIN: Now, if you’ll be so kind as to follow me, it is time for dinner and a show.
HARLEY: Oooh! A show? Who’s in it?
CAIN: Why, my darling Dr. Quinzel, you are. All of you. For you see... by the light of tomorrow’s morn, one of you... will die.
Silence.
EDWARD: Are you kidding?
SELENA: One of us already died, tontón.
CAIN: Abby, is that true?
ABEL: I believe it might be, brother.
CAIN: How many people did you invite?
ABEL: Ten.
CAIN: How many are there here?
ABEL: ...I count nine.
CAIN: Then allow me to... rephrase. [clears throat] By the light of tomorrow’s morn... ALL of you... will die.
Everyone laughs.
CAIN: Why are they laughing, Abby?
ABEL: I don’t think they believe you, brother.
CAIN: Ahh.
CAIN snaps his finger and DIGGER explodes.
EDWARD: Jesus Christ! George!
HARLEY: Oh God, it’s everywhere.
CAIN: Do you think they believe me now?
ABEL: I... believe they do.
CAIN and ABEL laugh.
CAIN: Now! We shall take care of your bags, and dinner is just through the door ahead. We hope you brought your appetites!
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR - NIGHT
EDWARD: What the fuck?
Comments
Soo glad I voted for Joker lmfao
ABEL *POINTS* YOU.
