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Murder in the House of Mystery - Episode 01
🕑 Added 2022-10-31 03:01:13 +0000 UTC
It begins...
Guest Starring Lucia Lobosvilla as Selena Kyle
EPISODE ONE: FIRST CIRCLE (LIMBO)
EDWARD: Alright everyone - we’re leaving in five minutes, so be ready or be left behind.
JERVIS: How long?
EDWARD: Ten minutes.
JERVIS: But you said five minutes.
EDWARD: Then why did you ask?
INTERVIEW
EDWARD: Hallowe’ens in Gotham City are usually... fairly boring, [sounds of past events] so when you get an invitation to an ACTUAL party, you can’t just say no.
INTRODUCTION MUSIC
EDWARD: Jon. Green tie or purple tie?
JON: Huh?
EDWARD: Green tie or purple tie?
JON: Does it matter?
EDWARD: Not to someone whose fashion peaked at the 1974 Men’s Fashion Sears catalogue, but for the rest of us, yes.
JON: Fine, green.
EDWARD: Purple it is.
JON: Dickhead.
INTERVIEW
EDWARD: I’ve been Riddling now for... oh goodness, long enough to know better, amirite?
JON: What does that even mean?
EDWARD: I don’t know, it sounded better in my head.
CAM FOLLOW
EDWARD: This is the Inner Sanctum. Where I keep my more prized possessions. This was my first Riddler uniform... oh spandex... What was I thinking? Classic bowler, three-piece, and the one that Batman Forever CLEARLY ripped off - though I will admit, I did feel safer jogging at night.
INTERVIEW
EDWARD: People tend to think that supervillains are just always on the clock. Evil evil evil, but we need to relax sometimes too. Lay back, put our feet up.
SELENA: Sometimes behind your head.
EDWARD: Augh. Thank you, Selena.
SELENA: I was talking about Yoga, but sure - banging too.
EDWARD: Good lord. Banging?
SELENA: Yeah, sex.
EDWARD: I know what banging means.
SELENA: And I know what Kuntao means, but it doesn’t mean other people let me do it to them.
JON: Boom.
EDWARD: You don’t even know what Kuntao is.
JON: Nope. I was too busy bangin’ to look it up.
SELENA: Boom.
EDWARD: AUGH. You’re both insufferable.
EDWARD leaves.
JON: So what is Kuntao? Is that like a chicken thing?
SELENA: Idiota.
CAM FOLLOW.
EDWARD: Oh, I love this. This is my award for “most people held hostage at once”. Seventy-three, baby. All me... and Query... and Echo, but STILL - seventy-three! Of course, next year Joker won when he held all of Gotham hostage on Christmas, which I thought was a bit unfair, because I was IN THERE, holding the gun, you know - keep your heads down and your hands up. You - dance around a little, but a whole city? How do you even do that? And on Christmas too, as if things don’t suck enough on Christmas, you know?
CAM FOLLOW
EDWARD: Alright, it’s time to go. Selena, Jon, and Jervis, you’re with me. Harvey and Oswald said they were taking the Bentley, and Joker and Harley will meet us there.
JERVIS: What about Waylon?
EDWARD: He said he was going to climb up the toilet pipe and bite you on the ass when we got there.
JERVIS: He didn’t... did he?
JON: Jesus Christ...
EDWARD: Thicker than Jason Todd’s helmet. Let’s go, before you hurt yourself.
SELENA slaps JERVIS in the back of the head.
JERVIS: Ooh!
SELENA: Too late. Vamos a la fiesta, cabrón.
INTERVIEW
SELENA: Do I normally hang out with these people? No. Do I enjoy it every once in a while? No. But free food is free food, so if I have to suffer with lunatics for a night, it’s a small price to pay. No offence.
JON: No, I get it.
EXT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY
EDWARD: Alright, so here we are. Looks like no one else is here... or the house. Jervis, did you read the invitation properly?
JERVIS: I did! 2721 Barada Lane.
EDWARD: It stops at 2719. It has to be a misprint.
SELENA: Maybe the house hasn’t arrived yet either.
EDWARD: Really?
A portal opens and a house appears.
SELENA: Told you.
EDWARD: There is no way you could have known that.
SELENA: Yet here we are.
EDWARD: Things don’t just... appear like that.
A portal opens up and a man crashes to earth.
JON: Or people, right?
EDWARD: I’m just not going to talk anymore.
JERVIS: If only that were true.
EDWARD: What?
JERVIS: Nothing!
The man grunts and rises to his feet.
MAN: Where am I?
EDWARD: How specific do you want me to be?
MAN: Eh?
EDWARD: Barada Lane. Gotham City. America. Earth. Andromeda Galaxy.
MAN: Alright. Alright. Thank you.
EDWARD: Anything else? Perhaps a parachute for next time?
The MAN grunts.
EDWARD: Okay then, party time.
MAN: You’re not goin’ in there, are you?
EDWARD: What gave it away?
MAN: That’s the House of Mystery.
EDWARD: Is it? I thought the invitation was lying.
MAN: Don’t go in there, Edward Nygma. It is an evil place, ill winds blow on anyone who dares set foot within.
JON: Is that John Constantine?
JERVIS: Who?
JON: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
JOHN: This is my last warning - you will find only death within.
EDWARD: Well, if it’s a choice between death and this thrilling conversation, I’ll take the less painful option.
JOHN: You’re a fool! You’ve doomed yourself and all who know you.
EDWARD: I’m sorry, I don’t have any change!
JON: Was that John Constantine?
EDWARD: Shush, if we don’t keep walking, he’ll never shut up.
JOHN: Oh, that’s fine! Don’t listen to fair warning, arsehole! I hope yer next shite is a hedgehog! I hope yeh get kissed by a bus!
A car pulls up with much squealing of brakes.
JOKER: It’s okay, party people! The fun’s arrived!
HARLEY: Hi everyone!
Another car pulls up.
OSWALD: Well you’d better pray there’s overnight parking, because I’m not going to pay for the bloody ticket.
HARVEY: Just contest the ticket. Nine out of ten times, the officer never shows anyway.
OSWALD grunts.
EDWARD: Well, that’s almost all of us.
DIGGER: Wow! Looks like this is going to be quite the party!
EDWARD: Oh god... YOU got an invite?
DIGGER: Sure did! Looks like George is moving up in the world!
INTERVIEW
DIGGER: It’s true, I’ve never been invited to a party like this before... or... you know, any actual party, but hey - it sounded like fun on the invite, and it’s not like they’d bring me along just to murder me or something, right? [laughs, stops] ...Right?
BACK TO GROUP.
EDWARD: Okay, well, whatever. Now we just need Waylon and we’re all set.
WAYLON: Did someone say KING SEXY?
Crowd cheers.
WAYLON: Was that Constantine I heard cussin’ you out?
EDWARD: Oh god, you too? Let’s just ring the bell and get inside.
JON: Here we go.
Doorbell is pressed, sparks: nothing happens.
EDWARD: Good start. Try again.
Nothing happens.
JOKER: Maybe the battery’s dead. I’ve got a joy buzzer that could add a little bounce to its bungie.
WAYLON: Nah, it’s wired, but it looks like it’s been chewed through up by the eavestrough. Reckon if I had a ladder, I could get up there.
JOKER: I’ll race you to it, Waylon old boy! Let’s MOVE THAT BUS!
HARLEY: He got addicted to home renovation shows when he was in hospital.
EDWARD: Better than crack I guess.
JON: Debatable.
JOKER: Last one there’s a rotten corpse!
Comments
Awww, thank you!
Whenever you do something like this with so many characters involved at once, I always do find myself impressed with your range. I'm very hype for this event!
MillieHoneyBee
"What does that even mean?!" "I don't know... It sounded better in my head."
