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Murder in the House of Mystery - Episode 05
🕑 Added 2022-11-10 01:30:01 +0000 UTC
EPISODE FIVE: FIFTH CIRCLE (WRATH)
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
EDWARD: So in the hopes that we may survive this, Oswald said it was time to go night night. Maybe when we’re asleep we can’t kill each other. Obviously, he’s never shared a room with Jon after he’s had red meat.
INT. HOUSE OF MYSTERY
JON and JERVIS share a room. There’s silence.
JERVIS: Jon? Psst. Jon? Are you asleep?
JON: Yes.
JERVIS: Oh, sorry.
JON: Fuck’s sake. What?
JERVIS: I can’t sleep.
JON: I don’t care.
JERVIS: Do you know any good stories?
JON: About 13,764. And you burned them all.
JERVIS: Oh god, that old chestnut. I thought I was going to die! We all did!
JON: Then you run away! You don’t burn down libraries! Temples of the enlightened! Safe havens for the mind!
JERVIS: You sound like Edward when you talk like that.
JON: Of course I do! We’re intellectuals!
JERVIS: Someone burned down the Library of Alexandria, Jonathan, are you mad about that too?
JON: The loss of quite possibly the largest and most significant library of the ancient world? I’m FURIOUS!
A dull thumping is heard.
OSWALD (THROUGH WALL): Keep it down in there, god dammit!
JON: Jervis is defending book burning!
OSWALD: Then just kill him for Christ’s sake, before I kill you both!
JON: Not knowing the importance of the library of Alexandria. It’s like...
JON pauses. He has an idea.
JON: It’s like not knowin’ Harley ain’t a natural blonde.
PAUSE.
JERVIS: I beg pardon?
JON: Harley. Did you...nah. You didn’t think she was, didja?
JERVIS: Of course she is.
JON: Ohhh, Jervis. She’s good, but I know the truth.
JERVIS: I don’t believe you.
JON: You wanna see?
JERVIS: I don’t see how we possibly could.
JON: Well, let’s just say there’s one place Harley ain’t puttin’ a highlightin’ cap, and I reckon if we’re quiet enough, we might just be able to get a look.
JERVIS: No! No, no, no, no, we couldn’t! I mean, surely she would awaken if we...
JON: Nah, she sleeps real heavy, and she don’t wear much to bed. If anything.
JERVIS: Oh good lord.
JON: Come on.
JON and JERVIS are in the hallway outside HARLEY and ED’S door.
JON: Alright, so it’s like I told ya, real quiet, lift the sheets, and bingo.
JERVIS: What if Edward wakes up?
JON: Good money says he’s wearing his sleep mask and well off to sleep by now.
JERVIS: Alright, here goes. (opens the door)
JON: Jervis?
JERVIS: Hmm?
JON: I believe in you.
JERVIS: Thank you. (closes the door)
JON: Psst. Hey. Y’all stay out here. Y’all ready to see somethin’ real funny?
HARLEY screams, a shotgun blast is heard, hitting the door JON is standing by. EDWARD wakes up yelling.
EDWARD: JESUS CHRIST! WHAT?! WHAT?!?!
EDWARD sees JERVIS with his chest blown out; EDWARD laughs hysterically.
HARLEY: The little pervert was tryin’ to sneak a peek!
JON: I knew you still slept with that thing!
HARLEY: Jonny! Why would you do that?
JON: So you’d shoot him! Figured this was the best way. Guess that means I owe him fifty bucks, huh?
EDWARD: That. Is. Hilarious.
JON and EDWARD laugh, HARLEY doesn’t.
JON: Oh, come on now, Harley. If you hadn’t killed him, I would’ve anyhow.
HARLEY: Hmph.
JON: You want me to make it up to you?
HARLEY: How?
JON whispers.
HARLEY: Edward. The room is yours.
JON and HARLEY leave.
EDWARD: (recovering) You kids go nuts. I’ll just... clean this up. … Thanks.
INT. INTERVIEW PARLOUR
EDWARD: In all fairness, it was more than fair. A dead Tetch AND a room to myself? (chuckles) Pretty sweet deal.
JON: Hey Ed.
EDWARD: Hmm?
JON: Harley Quim.
EDWARD: You’re absolutely vile.
JON: (laughs) Yep.
Comments
AbbieB
Begone SQUAT
This was utterly hilarious and my fave part so far
