372 Pages We ll Never Get Back
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Conor's Bad First Grade Books - "Peanuts"
🕑 Added 2022-04-22 15:15:28 +0000 UTCWhile we wait to see what misfortunate might befall Mike before our next recording (my money's on being crushed by the ISS), let's take a look at another one of the "books" Conor "wrote" in first grade, "Peanats". If you've been following along, you'll have noticed that this continues a trend with these books, wherein beloved intellectual properties (ALF, Jaws) are repurposed into fantastical scenarios dreamt up by our author. Nobody climbed Mt Everest with Batman, but what I'm saying is, perhaps we were too hard on RP1? Or maybe the takeaway should be that Ernest Cline writes at the level of a barely literate first grader. You know what? It's probably that one.
Snoopy's house is on fire, which interrupts what appears to be a particularly erotic dream. Maybe the World War 1 Flying Ace is fixing the little red haired girl's cable.
Lins, aka Lyonis, aka Linus, aka Strong Sad's Cubist era, shows up just in the nick of time. Would this book have been vastly improved if Lins spoke like an Old West cowboy and was actually telling Snoopy that his durn hoss had catched fire? Well, YOU haven't read til the end of the book, but I have and can uniquivocally say yes. Also, I had a vague recollection that this was a Peanuts plotline that actually happened, and I am correct about that. It's too bad I didn't have Sonpy lament his lost possessions because the misspelling of Van Gogh would have broken my teacher's brain .
I bet if you asked literary types if there had been a perfect sentence, they'd probably say something like "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." But "Sonpy goat a hos" is pretty good too. No telling which area code the hos were in.
It was at this point that our friendly area teacher wondered where such a young kid had learned about "term paper padding". Or ellipses. Or unintentional hose dongs.
Oh my!
I should come clean here: I have a memory of being super proud of having written the most books in our first grade class. We had a little library where you could "Check out" people's books and I must have had my own shelf in the thing. Looking back, I was essentially one of those poor writers who gets tasked with writing 20 clickbait blogs a day with titles like "24 Easter Eggs You May Have Missed in Super Jaws (#12 Has Everyone Talking)" or "9 Things The Media Won't Tell You About Goop (Alf Wishes He'd Known #4!)" But this is the equivalent of 14.5 point font,1.75 inch margins, and 2.25 spacing. But at least the art is just fucking terrible.
BUT IT'S ALL REDEEMED BY THIS MIND-BLOWING TWIST!!! Sonpy's house winds up in the 50th Century, represented here by... Well, that's a standard Conor person/dog/Melmackian body construction, encased in a house, but with a Christmas Tree in it? I mean, laugh if you want but I'm throwing my hat into the ring with our potential future 50th century overlords. I'm happy to draw your official government portraits, chilling tree-house-humanoid hybrids!
Comments
Brian Hartman
Had me laughing so hard I cried. I love these books!
Lindsey Keefer
Love the drawing of the water! In first grade I was especially proud of my book “Crack, Boom, Explode” in which different holiday objects (Easter egg, fireworks) caused the participant to combust.
