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Chapter 73: Hogwarts Duelling Champion Pt. 1(R-18)

🕑 Added 2020-11-26 03:34:07 +0000 UTC

Comments

GodoftheSeas21

That was a great chapter!

Shoelace

I think you should use grammarly. The free version is a great editor by itself.

Pincho69

Also please stop relying on just spell check . There are words you use throughout the story that are just plain wrong, spelled correctly but wrong, not to mention words that are missing causing incomplete thoughts and sentences. Overall though good story which is why I am here

Thanks for the chapter on a good story

cathia

well it's a good chapter, I can certainly see an improvement from the last sex scene, for example you were much more descriptive and there were clear differences in character's behaviour, thanks for seeing my point, but it could be even better. For example, there were still a few examples of sudden change of point of view, which like I wrote in the notes for Veela girls, only confuse the readers. Moreover, that small dialogue with Lyra would be better, if it was done earlier, not just before the end (sure there will be more parts, but it would still work better, before Harry completely went to town with the anal, also it kind of didn't really influence their behaviour, so there is that). Another thing, there are a few illogical lines - for example, one line tells how Harry went into Lyra without role-play, but the next one talks how even the foreplay couldn't prepare her for Harry's dick in the ass. I believe you were looking for the word lube in the first sentence? It would make more sense, since there was no talking about there being a physical tube of it, or Harry using some kind of spell and there clearly was a foreplay before the anal. Also, I don't believe it is physically possible to move so fast, that you yourself can't keep up. Just change it so only the girls can't really distinguish the difference. About errors that could be corrected, that is quite all I think, I would need to analyse it more deeply to know for sure. I would also suggest you to maybe use another metaphor for high-pitched moans, than banshee shriek, because that sound would just be creepy. About sounds, describe Harry's grunting, he for sure wouldn't just be quiet in that situation (besides, from what I heard, some girls find men being voiceful in sex the same way, that men find women moans, during the intercourse, sexy) and add in descriptions of sound being generated by just the sex on itself (flesh hitting flesh, penis moving in and out of asshole and in between boobs, you can generally hear that kind of stuff). To make it even more sexy, maybe add in how Harry is moving around inside the backdoors of Lyra to find which angles make it more enjoyable to her? Sure there is no such thing as an asshole's G spot or area similar to cervix, but I am sure that depending on how you go with it, you can make it either more painful or more pleasurable for your partner.

more to come tomorrow!

KristofferXxXxX

Damm that was hot!


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