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BDSM requires us to break free of tradition. As a woman, I only broke free halfway.
🕑 Added 2025-05-06 06:47:21 +0000 UTCAs a blogger, I like nothing more than to make readers suffer by misnumbering my lists and Rick Rolling everyone. Laugh if you like, but I do, in fact, have a sadistic streak. Itās not the sort of sadistic streak that could draw blood at the edge of a knife, but itās there nonetheless. I also love torturing my mentee by forbidding him to use adjectives for intolerable periods of time. Those periods are necessary for his growth, but the gleeful mirth involved is there nonetheless. Iāve never sexualized my sadism. I wonāt get off on stealing your Nutella, but I will definitely rub my hands together in abject glee.
Even so, the idea of topping someone in a kink context makes me fizzle away like a snail in salt.
This is because Iām a woman.
Yes, someone needs to take away my feminist card. I didnāt need it anyway.
I often wonder which kink role Iād choose for myself if I were a man. And even though Iām a card-carrying lefty, I have to admit that my ovaries could be the sole reason Iāve never explored the role. Societal constructs are the prison in which I hide all my stolen cupcakes while giggling in the background.
Societal constructs are part of the reason Iām monogamous, too. Iāve never exercised my poly muscles. Iāve never even considered trying. I was raised to donate 99% of my brain to monogamous pursuits, so I never even knew what a ācompersionā was until a decade ago. And if I didnāt know what it was, how could I very well learn how to exercise it?
BDSM requires us to break free of tradition. As a woman, I only broke free halfway. I slapped a āmonogamous subā label onto my profile and then added some masochism. And while my submission comes from a healthy place, I find the idea of topping horrifying.
Yes, horrifying. That's the correct word.
Maybe itās mortifying because Iām just a sub through and through, but itās equally possible that itās mortifying because topping doesnāt fit the ancient gender roles I was raised for. Iām Schrodingerās Sadist, and this thing could go either way. I have no idea which.
Sorry.
I have, however, come to realise that itās worthwhile to share my secrets because a lot of people are too scared to admit their own. This is my secret: If I were a heterosexual man, itās quite possible Iād be a sadist, not a subly masochist.
My feminism hasnāt sunk all the way to my roots yet. On an intellectual level, I have all the right beliefs, but on an emotional level, I still havenāt absorbed them into my identity.
My submission makes me happy. It makes me walk tall. It empowers and frees me. Iāve written about it a thousand times. I must still acknowledge that Schrodinger might have a role in my kink life. And just as we will never know if the cat is dead or alive, I will never know if my inner sadist is nonexistent or oppressed.
