quixerotic
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The Vaught Family Dairy - Version 1 & 2
🕑 Added 2023-08-23 01:58:49 +0000 UTCEdit: I omitted several sections from the Version2 file's Chapter 21. I've updated the attached files with the FIXED denotation. Apologies!
Hi all!
So, these are mostly the final iterations of Vaught. Forgive the janky file names, but it should be evident which one is which at least. I'm still debating which version I want to go with and whether either or both need some more tweaking. I'll go into the details of how they differ, but if you don't want to read all that, the TL;DR is that Version 1 is a cleaned up compilation of all the chapters on here. Version 2 is a slightly more cynical ending and includes a sum up 21st chapter.
Happy Reading!
Version 1
This is the story that you read along with over the past few months all cleaned up and slightly reorganized. The order of chapters has swapped around and some sections have moved here or there, but it's almost all the same content with considerably fewer typos, grammar issues, word repetitions, and so forth.
I added a section called "The World of Milktec Industries" which gives an overview of what Milktec is, how it came to be, and how it generally affected the course of history. This is included as a response to one of my proofers demanding to know what the hell was going on. It's also the reason the location/date/time now has the year added into it.
The other change to this version involved rewriting circumstances between characters and cleaning up the timeline. For example, Christie the maid now arrives at the same time as the twins. These changes boil down to a sentence here or there. Small stuff that you'd notice in a side by side comparison, but would never miss otherwise.
Version 2
Having given version 1 to be proofed, I received back some notes in addition to a few I got from patrons. This resulted in a few changes primarily to the events after chapter 15.
- Benny moved from the library to one of the downstairs rooms. - Some feedback indicated that his presence from the beginning was clunky. Why wouldn't you address the blindfolded and bound guy in the corner? He felt too much like a prop. Things like that. Moving him to another room downstairs lets the transition away from Amanda/Christie work a little better and gives an opportunity to reframe the Benny/Liz scene.
- In V1, from Benny's POV it's unknown who he's going down on. This was to add a tiny amount of suspense to whether it would be Liz or Mel. In the end, this made it more impersonal than suspenseful, so now he knows its Liz.
- The order of sections in chapters 18 and 19 have changed.
- Chapter 19 starts with a Greg/Abby scene. Details of Abby's serum are elaborated on a little more. They break a wall. Usual stuff.
- Liz's ending is shifted slightly. In V1, the whole evening culminates in her achieving a unity of character that resolves her hypocrisy. Because of that, when we subsequently see her, she's cheerful, considerate, and apologetic for her past. V2, on the other hand, has Liz attempting to regain control of the situation, if only in her mind, by enticing Greg to want her. Greg turns this around, making her beg. Though very little changes at the end of her section, the take away should be much different.
- This continues in the last section of Chapter 20. In V1, Liz greets Alice/Maddock at the door with an apology. In V2, Abby answers the door and shows off her stable, including a resentful and humbled Liz.
- Then there's Chapter 21. A flash forward to Christmas when the Vaughts have opened the doors to civilians. It's meant to be a slice of life showing how things evolved from lust frenzy to day to day existence. Elizabeth is more sympathetic after those months, but she's also still begrudging of her position. The chapter rapidly ties off some dangling threads, but I'm not entirely sure if I'll include it in the published version, so I'm happy to hear thoughts.
Comments
Quixerotic
Well, that weird time jump is because three sections are missing. Guess I unchecked them individually instead of the chapter folder. Let me get that massive oversight fixed and I'll circle back to your other points. Several of them are already addressed in the missing sections :|
Red Panda Seven
So for the clarity I'm going to reference the PDF versions of the drafts. In Draft 3 pg 221 to 222 we're missing the chapter/timestamp that had I not read the notes above I wouldn't have known what or when it was going on as it flows straight from the end of Ch 20 Greg leading Maddock/Alice into the house announcing drinking Milk. to the attack at the party several months later. Probably needs a clean up or chapter header. Which made my confusion in the epub what there was no chapter 21 listed when I loaded it onto my reader. Otherwise I would have hoped to have 'seen' the other menagerie of characters like the twins sporting baby bumps too but socializing at the party with Greg. Really driving home that there will be a "Vaught" heir to keep the herd and dairy going. Also we got Maddock dealing with the fallout but sort of want to see how Alice had blossomed into her "Ice Queen Crime Boss" persona either dealing with the Senator OR being stuck to Greg as he made introductions to various parties upstairs at the party being bored with the talk of golf while learning the subtly of the business. Honestly I would have loved Abby to have a slight bump certain she was carrying the next bull while all the others were carrying girls. Either version I have thoughts: * in Ch 1 we get introduced to the Sparrows and their newly minted Dr son; I know Elizabeth is a cunt about it but I would have loved to have seen the symmetry of her prophetic foreshadow that yep he was employed by Milktech working for/under Abby caring for the dairy cows either having Abby summon for him in v2 Ch21 to look after Mel or have him seen as those coming and going from the house in the intervening weeks since the event occurred. * CH3 -> Richard Balding : though Greg's introduction to Milktech I'm left with some desire to have him get his comeuppance for bring Stavos to the apartment or some other malevolent end to his scheming ways. He schemed to invest and be part of Milktech and in the end he should be 'rewarded' for that. In the vein Milktech always wins, it might be a separate short story but seems like Balding is the only person to have beat the company. * Early chapters lacking Maddock mentions and appearances: re-reading Ch.3 and early Farrs Post events there seems to be a lack of Maddock. He gets established in the later chapters as Greg's right hand and the seen unseen giant aiding Greg since the early days bonding experience. After the apartment episode and even the meeting of Abby scene there is no mention of him and it seems both those places Maddock would have been in the shadows lurking in case the need arose. The meeting Abby and the names in red even after she defuses the situation felt like a mental note of having Maddock talk to those 3 about harassing people in places under his protection. Is there a way to combine the both endings. some part of me wants to have it both ways; I liked the cordial Liz that greeted Maddock/Alice in v1 apologizing for her part of ensnaring Alice in this world. Making it that Liz's lot in life is subservient and starting to see but not fully be repentant for her old ways but in the end she makes way for the true hostess Abby to greet them. As if part of Liz's debasement is to be the serving girl who answers the door so the true Mistress of the House doesn't have to. I like Liz broken on the cusp of coming to terms but still thinking she has a chance of turning the tables.
