fault
patreon
The Big Swampy Center of the Universe
🕑 Added 2024-04-29 16:00:16 +0000 UTCI've been locked away at our office for the past couple of months, trying to finalize the writing for MS2b. Every three or four days, I go back home to tackle laundry and restock food supplies since options are surprisingly sparse near our workspace. This area might even qualify as a semi-food desert. There's just one small supermarket nearby with a somewhat limited selection and exorbitant prices--a 10-40% markup on the same mass-produced items available elsewhere. What? If they were different in any sort of way, I can placebo my way into thinking that they are of higher quality but alas, they are not. They come out of the exact same factory made by the exact same people distributed exactly the same way. Someone is lining their pockets. The groceries are indeed of higher quality. But you have no choice. It's either really good or it's nothing. You have to pay the price. Or just not eat. This is a dynamic I've never really encountered in the states and it always seems to trip me up. No wonder people are thin here.
The fridge at our office is one of those small ones that freeze everything on the top to middle layer unless you set the dial just right. And I mean just. You know that thing that happens to your drinks where they freeze over slowly when you open it? Yeah. The smallest amount of dial change seems to invite a catastrophic blow to the fridge's ecosystem, a kind of a fridge apocalypse. It's the dial. Too high, and everything becomes an ice block. Too low, and it's just a useless box. Vegetables, particularly salad greens, are the biggest victims. They freeze into icy discs or wilt into a sad, mushy heap. Broccoli is only good when it's fresh. I quick blanche them prior to putting them in the fridge so they stay super green for a few days. That's with a normal fridge though. At the office, my blanching efforts are only rewarded if the dial is set just right. It's somewhere between 7 and 8. 9 is a blizzard, why is there even a 10? Everything else under might as well not exist. And I know what you're thinking. Doesn't this remind you of something? This tiny, finicky, shitty fridge is our home. We live inside of this thing. The slightest bump on the plastic dial wrecks my entire food supply for the week. Are we in control of the dial? Is it too late? Are we too apathetic to talk about it? I certainly feel like I am. The uncanny resemblance is not lost on me.
Today is around day 59.
I've stopped using social media outside of general data collection as I've come to learn that I have nothing particular I want to say to a void. Theres a cold shower routine that seems to help with focusing. OMAD (one meal a day) helps a lot too. Then theres slight jogging, then a quick workout. Clean the office, write, rest repeat. I've lost like 25 pounds over the past two years, slowly committing to a healthier lifestyle as it's obvious that this line of work requires it. I don't feel noticeably better like those health folks on YouTube claim though. Perhaps the change has been too gradual. The only people I speak to are Hare-san, Dei and Orph, so basically the AiD team. Theres the occasional friend meetup but because they are so sparse and relatively short, not a lot of meaningful conversations can take place.
I often feel I've spent more time with fictional characters, through both consumption and creation, than with actual people. Not just during the AiD years, but prior to it as well. The writing for MS2b has been the most mentally draining thing I have ever done. The topic I chose certainly didn't help. Once the pieces start to fit together they just don't stop. But I need to temper it because we cant make everything. Just because you can think it, doesn't mean you should make it. I want to talk about fault so much but the writing is one thing I feel like I can't and shouldn't. There's the typical immense pressure of fearing whether this will connect with the current fault audience but there's not too much I can do about that at this point. I've put too much of myself into this story and I feel like I'm losing touch of where reality begins and where it ends.
There was a monthly vlog thing I wanted to start this year but every time I point the camera at myself I notice I have nothing to say. Everything I want to say is either inane or should be saved for the writing of MS2b or subsequent stories. Thats what I do after all, I make up shit. But that shit is something I can't talk about, you just have to do it. Are there any writers out there? How do you guys deal with the crazy feeling of isolation during writing? Some people seem to be able to do it without a hitch. Some people just end up not finishing. Everyday I feel immense pressure to not fall into the latter category. Our team meetings are heartening as the story keeps evolving into something truly special, though even this I share hesitantly in fear of inflating expectations. If thats the case, what else can I say?
This article doesn't have any point. It was just a sudden impulse to reach out and share a snippet of my thoughts, akin to semi-morning pages. Not everything needs a point, right? I don't know anymore. It's too long for a tweet anyways.
The everyday stoic "healthy" routine I've forced on myself was to balance out this isolation. It was tough at first but just like anything, it gets easier and now it's sort of routine. When something becomes routine it's hard to notice any of the effects it had initially. Do I feel better than the previous day? I don't know. How do you even gauge such a thing? I suppose thats the sign of it working; If you don't notice anything negative. The cynic in me wants to lament the reality of believing that the absence of decline is the clearest sign of well-being. Like, you know... is this it? Is this all there is? I try to silence him by asking him to consider the alternative. I tell him, at least it's still edible. At least it’s still going. It’s at least between a 7 and an 8.
I hope you are all doing well.
-Munisix
Comments
Julien Prat
Thanks I'm alive and kicking. If my experiences may be useful to you, I have a group of friends who I study japanese with on a weekly basis. The teacher is also a japanese friend who lives close by and she learns weird french we teach her in the process as she progresses and teach us japanese. We're just 5 people but that's quite the melting polt and that leads to funny exchanges. After the lessons, we all chill out for a few hours and that really helps me get out of my daily routine. I also tried different things and one thing I really like is reiki which I do on a monthly basis. When I get out, I feel light even if i don't have much to say during the session. And when there is something to say, it's really helpful to solve problems that could otherwise stick to my mind for too long. There are many similar domains you can try out like psychology, coaching or yoga depending on your motivations, needs resolve and liking. I'm also lucky enough to go on several weeks regular trips to japan. That forces me to break out of my routine as I have to adapt with the weather, the sun timetable, the food, and my family routines. We exchange on many things that are different between our countries. I get to visit or revisit landscapes, temples, aquarium, and other locations that are very privy to japan or even partially live like one. I'm not in fond of museums but there are lots of places to checkout wherever you choose to go to. What is important is to change the colors of the world you see. When all else is not possible, sport may do the trick. I used to swim and love to go underwater see a completely different world. If possible for you, try deep diving and observe the depth of the lake or ocean you are near. I can't do that now but going for a walk in the forest and observe what ever I find in nature: animals, trees, flowers, people is also nice and accessible at any time of day and night. Whatever activity you end up choosing, it's your connections and how you feel that are important. You could also try some team building activity with your team if possible. Hope that gave you the answer you are looking for.
ALICE IN DISSONANCE
Thanks for dropping by! Will keep mental check in mind. Hope you are doing well.
ALICE IN DISSONANCE
Thanks for the reply. Tbh, I think this article came off more dramatic than I initially intended. I've done most of the things you have suggested over the decades but it just so happens that I'm in a period where I have to focus more than usual to gtd. Questioning your own happiness is a territory that just comes with life in general lol but as long as it's between a 7 and an 8 I think it should be fine. I do have team mates around that keep ourselves in check too. Will keep your ideas in the back of my mind though. Thank you for the concern and comment!
ALICE IN DISSONANCE
Thank you! Appreciate the warm hearted comment.
ALICE IN DISSONANCE
Thank you! Im not quite stuck yet, but I'll keep that in mind.
ALICE IN DISSONANCE
Really helpful comment! I totally understand where you're coming from. Long projects sometimes require extended periods of lock down but I think everyone is different. I do go outside and do what regular people do every so often but it's that time right now to focus. As an individual that looks through a camera lens often I have been somewhat curious about bird watching but never really got around to it... maybe I'll try it one day. Good luck with your work. Appreciate the insight!
Nitit Jongsawatsataporn
Please take a break if you need to! We can wait for the game so please take your time! I am genuinely concern about your wellbeing from reading the post.
Holden Harrison
Take care of your self at the worst remember you cant make a game if your not here. I recommend not just going out side or working out but find something to help keep you out like a part time job just to help shift things around for like a week or so could do something and eat good cooked food that's one of the best things to help with slumps i find,
天空Blond
I recently got a new job and is also trying to reschedule my daily routine. And I picked up a new hobby: Digiscoping, to watch some birds. Frankly speaking, I never really watch a bird like other bird photographers. Most of my days and nights are spent in-door. But one day, by chance, I got access to a binocular and watching a random tree, then I found a magpie. I still remember the feeling, the first time I zoomed in so close (maybe not that close, just 8x zoom in) to a bird that is pretty common in the city. I saw vivid details of its feather, its action, movement. It's a whole new world to me. (This usually happens at the weekend since I can't work in the park) Also I'm keep biking every 2 or 3 days, 20 to 30km every time. That also helps to reset my messy brain. For most of the time, I'm ok with in-door life, since I'm a programmer. But sometimes I feel not that energized, then it's time to go out and get some sunshine. (Yeah, I'm a solar powered programmer) That not only makes me *mentally* feel better, but also helps on my work, sometimes I get stuck on the job, put it down, and going outside is my way to find inspiration. It's like background programs, you tab to another window, but in random moments, it pops back and you get an aha moment. I can tell there is a clear up and down during my work. During the up time, ideas are coming unstoppable, I can't stop thinking about the work, and I work a lot to finish the thing. But then the down time comes, and it feels like my brain is on vacation while my body is still at work. Anyway, that's my experience with dealing with my life. Thanks for the update, and I hope you are doing well too :)
Julien Prat
Hey Munisix! Take a break and go outside. Ideas just come as you live and experience new things just as daniel said. The story i'm writting just get better and richer as I let things come to my mind. I've also taken lessons from a great writer, Cecile Duquenne, and they say the same! Try making changes to your lifestyle and release yourself from stress time to time even for a day or two and you'll just come back with planty ideas and feel better. That doesn't just mean to incorporate new daily routines but also to break out of your daily routine regularly to change your mind and get fresh air. You once said that writers needs to take a deep look inside themself, think of it as a need to refresh your inner self. ;) Take care !
Daniel White
The thing that worked best for me was actually joining public board game groups where I was living, which I've done twice when I've moved. It was a really good way to expand who I was talking to and in both cities lead to invitations to do things outside of board games. I think similar results could be achieved with other interest groups such as hiking, depending on what you're interested in and what's readily available to you. For me at least, expanding the group of folks I was talking to and involved with made it a lot easier to expand the array of different things I was doing. One other thing I've done before that worked really well was hosting regular dinner parties for friends and their invitees, but your mileage may vary with that. It also kind of sounds like the food game in your area is a bit samey? Maybe there are some ingredients you can get off of Amazon to shake things up? I usually try to cook a new recipe each week, just so I don't fall into the rut of eating the same thing all the time. At any rate, those are things that worked for me. It took multiple tries to get there. Along the way there were things I tried that didn't necessarily work for me, even if they might have been good for someone else, but the nice part about a lot of this stuff is, if it's not working for you, you can just stop doing it.
ALICE IN DISSONANCE
What do you suggest? I understand what you are saying and agree too, but I genuinely cannot think of anything else to do outside of this current routine.
Daniel White
Honestly, that sounds like a pretty monastic schedule to me. I find the opposite, that leading a life rich in varied experiences leads me to be more productive in my work. If you're questioning your own happiness, it is time to make a change.
