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Greyest of the Blue Skies - AiD Update
🕑 Added 2017-11-04 09:27:43 +0000 UTC Brass tax: SILENCE THE PEDANT will probably be delayed once again.Now that we tore off the bandage… please let me tell you what's been going on. I’ve decided to make this a patrons only post because it’s going to get a bit too intimate for a general public statement. But to me, you guys are the ones that count the most and I believe you deserve a proper explanation. Here goes:
It was sometime around in August that I have lost my ability to write. I’m sure you’ve heard of this phrasing before; It was as though a switch just turned off — the “writing” switch — from 100 to 0, gone, just like that in an instant… and it sounds implausible that a human can go through a change so drastic in such a short amount of time but that's how it really was. How could this have happen? I’ve been doing this for the better part of a decade now and all plots have been ready since forever ago. All I have to do just is execute. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to sit in front of my computer. After many attempts of forcing myself to do so, I noticed this sense of undeniable dread overtaking my psyche. Dread. To write my own stories. I have never, ever felt this way before. This was when I realized that the blue sky that has painted the window I look out of every day has turned grey.
It is my firm belief that there is nothing more rewarding than creating a story. No drug in the world can top the high of completing a narrative where each piece has been crafted with love and care. Being a storyteller is who I am today and the person I wanted to be. It was a goal I unknowingly set 10 years ago while living in a friends garage with no insulation or AC. I had dropped out of college at the time and I had nowhere to go. There in that dingy dirty disgusting garage was myself, very little privacy, what little belongings I could call my own, and my stories. Manga, anime, visual novels, movies... whatever the medium was these stories were what saved my life. Where would I be without them? “Dead in a ditch somewhere” as the exaggeration goes, but with my ridiculous stubbornness and unreasonably high pride not allowing me to go back to my parents house, the outcome of such an event wasn’t entirely implausible.
Time passed but Ritona, perhaps learning a thing or two from her creator, stubbornly refused to budge. And when Ritona doesn’t move, the entire production of StP comes to a halt. And when the leader falls behind, everything starts to buckle. That sense of dread I felt in front of the computer slowly and painfully turned into devastation and fear. “It’s just a writers block” you might say, but what if I never get out of it? In house deadlines kept passing but I was still unable to write. “All storms will eventually pass” I kept telling myself, but when? Every day felt like forever and an instant. I began to sleep excessively, for days sometime. I drank way more than I should. My mind became wrapped in this gentle numbness that exacerbated apathy. I had forgotten how to have fun. Hell, I didn’t even know what fun was anymore. I forgot the feeling of love towards crafting something. And then. Then came the agitation. Agitation directed towards myself, my team mates, my inability to perform, lack of communications, busy work, paper work, work that has nothing to do with creation, and this country. I do admire this country of Japan. It’s a great place here, really, much better than the US in many many aspects but I can confidently say after 7 years of living here, that this is not my home. The lack of space here makes me feel absolutely claustrophobic and the assholes that tell me to use the limited space wisely because theres nothing anyone can do about the crowded population with a shit eating grin infuriates me to no end. “Everyone else got over it, why haven’t you?” Because I suppose I’m petty. It’s a petty anger, perhaps a tantrum fit for a child. I know this but something is clawing away at my sanity. This isn’t how it was before and this is not who I am. This is not the person I wanted to be. I feel as though I am tied down and can’t do anything to prevent things from falling apart. Days, weeks, and months meld into a mush and every day you want to just cry because you feel like something is steal the time you have left here on Earth away from you.
You see, I’ve been here before. The apathy, the numbness, the nothingness, the anxiety, the frustrations, the itch, the pills, the doctor visits, the drugs, the alcohol, the heavy metal. This was all too familiar. This is what they call textbook depression.
The stress of not being able to show you guys anything is killing me everyday. Seeing overwhelmingly positive reviews of the series has turned relief into fear. I am petrified of disappointing the fans. The fear of being left behind and become obsolete is terrifying. StP has turned some heads that belong to those higher in the food chain. There have been many deals and meetings and bullshit paper pushing that’s taken months only to end up being nothing. Theres so much interesting shit happening under the hood, guys, but I can’t talk about it for many reasons and it’s driving me nuts. This bureaucracy game has turned me into a businessman rather than a creator. What the fuck happened?
But I digress. So why am I writing this now when so much time has passed since August? We'll I'm happy to report that I’m feeling better now. You might have noticed the lack of posts by me as Hare-san has taken over for a while but I have the mental capacity to look at Patreon again. It all started when we crossed the 300,000 copies mark a little while ago and decided to do a mini project.
“Mhakna Gramura and Fairy Bell” (I might rename it to something else in English) was a tiny project we started to celebrate our 300,000 copies sold milestone. It was suppose to be a children’s book written by Alissyn Rievegh but it turned into something a bit more substantial. It’s turned into more of a light novel for all ages and for the first time in a few months I’ve been able to write again. I planned, plotted and wrote this 100KB short story in a week (a full light novel averages 150~200KB a book for reference). The text will become a part of StP (you can summon it via a book item) and will also become a standalone mini VN with 100% original score by Foxtail Grass Studio and will be illustrated by Hare-san. The text has been sent to our translator and he should be done by mid month. We’ve used In Design and have finished the formatting to print as a book. We’re going to print this 100 + page book because I fucking want to. I want to do something for the first time in a while. I have a feeling it’s going to turn out amazing. The standalone game + the 10 or so music tracks as an OST that’s eventually gonna be sold as a OST bundle via Steam will be given to all patrons for free at all tiers, way ahead of the Steam release, probably by the end of the month. For those who qualify, we will send you the printed books as well.
That was it. I needed to step away from fault and make something else. That’s all it took. Mhakna has given me back my mojo for now. I am so happy but frustrated at the same time that it had to take this long.
I talked to Ritona and she hesitatingly agreed to get off her ass and finish her freaking story. Flora, Adia, Misha, Riggs… they are all moving again. This is the way I remember them and it feels like it’s been so long. I sigh with relief for now but I cannot guarantee that this won’t happen again and that scare me to no end. What if this was a recurring thing? If it happened once it can always happen again. But what can be done asides from learn from it? March forward and deal with each situation at a time.
In closing I want to apologize for StP taking so long. It pains me so much that we have to delay it again because of my personal issues and I am so terribly sorry. I also want to thank you for listening to my almost too-emotional an at times incoherent rant. I apologize for the lack of structure. I didn’t know how to write this so I just let my heart do the talking. You guys mean the world to us at AiD and the last thing we want to do was to disappoint and I’m sorry.
Also I’d like to thank you all in advance because I don’t know where else to show this appreciation. Thank you for those who chose to stay. Thank you to those who decide to leave. Thank you for accepting the wait. Thank you to those who can’t. Thank you for your disappointment and thank you for your concerns. Thank you for being and or have been a part of our little community. Thank you thank you thank you.
Ista Vilserio,
Munisix
PS - As for the question “so when is it going to come out?”. I can’t give you a time anymore. Let’s just say ASAP for now. This will be the last time we ever delay it because we won’t announce a period unless its done. I have left out many details about StPs production in this post but I'd say asset wise we're about 70%ish done. It's just that it cant be finished without my writing.
Comments
Thank you for saying all this. While reading this post, I realised that this is exactly what I've been feeling since I took a step back and realised that my writing endeavor was not what I wanted it to be, and I've felt empty and lost since. While I'm not in Japan (pretty similar culture and environment I live in though, just less polite), I totally empathise with what you went through. Great to know you're back on track! Always excited for what you dish out, so keep at it!
Lynne
It couldn't have been easy to write this post, but as everyone has already said, we're always going to support you, and send love your way, even if some of us can't do so monetarily anymore. As a fellow human who's been to that same grey world, I'm glad to hear you've made it out for now. If ever it comes back and tries to consume your being again, I hope you'll remember we're here to support you and everyone at AiD. <3
Georgie
Thank you for letting us know what was going on so candidly and honestly, without any smoke and mirrors. Your genuine words really touched my heart! Therefore, I thought I would write some heartfelt words in return. Ever since I was younger, health problems have always seemed to be a constant adversary following me. Since my childhood was cut short by the barrage of health-related anxiety, I turned to anime and video games to lessen the blow dealt to my stolen adolescence. Through communicating and forming friendships with people online and offline about our shared interests, I felt the burden lift considerably-- like I wasn't alone anymore. Fast forward a few years, and I was browsing through Steam for a new visual novel to play, preferably with a strong female lead. Fault was one of the first results to pop up, which I then added to my wishlist after reading the promising summary. My older brother was the person to buy the first milestone for me Christmas 2015, and it's no exaggeration to say I automatically pounced on that download button as soon as it was in my Steam library. After enduring what seemed like ages for the game to download, I was faced with a title screen: fault milestone one's enchanting title screen. My first playthrough of the visual novel was emotionally-gripping and a magical experience. I discovered a little part of myself in every girl in the main trio: Ritona, Selphine, and Rune. As I found myself relating to these characters on a personal level, I also found things to look up to, aspire to in them. Before I knew it, these characters had permanently nestled themselves in my heart and established a lifetime home there. So even if it takes longer than expected for you to release StP, I will happily wait for the day it's released. Because you, Munisix, and everyone at AiD, have changed my life in an immeasurable way. A positive way. With that being said, I hope that my words and all of the fault fans' words around the world can reach you. Because you truly are deserving of them, and my encouragement and belief in you will forever be boundless. Even though I can't say it enough times, thank you again! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Please continue to keep your chin up and face the future with confidence. Sending love to you and the AiD team! :^) <3
Tyler West
So. It's been a while since I've been active here but I think it's time I came out of hibernation. I want to let you know munisix, that to me the fifty dollars my bank account automatically deposits here every month is more than just a money investment to me at least. your stories have taken me to new places, shown me intriguing concepts, and introduced my to vibrant, colorful people. Reading your stories was a breath of fresh air in the medium it was presented in. I really enjoyed them. I want to find where else your stories take me. I want the world for what it's worth to experience Ritona and Selphy's journey. And on a personal note I want to see you as an author succeed. Because literature in all it's forms can be a beautiful, thought provoking thing, and this world could certainly benefit from your work in the form that it's in. And that's why I made my patreon acount! Also on a personal note, and this matter takes precedence. Your health is important as I'm sure a shit-fuck-ton-a people have told you and you probably know yourself. I'm not writing this to give you advice, I'm not writing this to tell you what to do, but I'm going to share with you my mantra. "Everyone's gonna do as they do, so you might as well do you, fam." AKA Lead your life however you do. not blown around by the wind necessarily, but with a firm grasp on your "concept of self". In of which itself is as malleable as clay. I've had to (with some fineness) argue with people who occupy many echelons of responsibility above me on multiple occasions, but I've managed to live my life relatively stress free adhering to this mantra. I have a reason for doing the things I do, and so do other people, but at the end of the day I'm me. I can't forget however, that I am under no obligation to follow the line of logic or the path I chose five minutes ago, lest I become a dick... In an abrupt closing after a rambly reply, I care about you and about AiD, as well as many of members on the discord (even though I haven't been supper active as of late). So stay safe, fam. take it easy, take it breezy. As a side note, though it should be obvious, I'll continue to support you for now.
Dan Park
"That was it. I needed to step away from fault and make something else." Man, when I read just now that you couldn't write for StP, I knew immediately this was prob the answer, lol. Hey, you have MS2b and MS3 you can always turn to if writing StP suddenly turns to writer's block, right? But yeah, I guess it doesn't really work that way. I think I didn't really know what it's like to write every day, yet I have so many ideas I want to write. I dunno if I'll ever start writing any of these ideas. I'll only imagine them in my head, but never get to put them onto the paper.
i'm wait
aidenraine
I understand this situation all too well. I've been stuck in the same one for so long, I can barely remember which way's up anymore. and I'm so happy to hear that you and Ritona have found the way to walk forward once more. I'm perfectly content with waiting. the Fault series is well worth the wait. as one who is unable to move forward, I will just say this. keep moving forward. keep pressing on. it may be awkward and uncomfortable at times, but it's so much better than standing still. press on and walk stubbornly headlong into whatever may come your way with your head held high knowing that we're still here cheering you on, no matter how long it takes for you to overcome your trials, and we'll be waiting in anticipation for you to finish your kravt.
I Have never been disappointed with your work and probably never will be. I don't care that it will be delayed. Your health is so much more important and I would wait years more to come just so you could produce the game and be happy about it!
Kuroshi
I agree with the others and the delay doesn't bother me. Heck even now I'm still willing to wait for a pile of manga that are still on hiatus. I think many of us have been through variations of depression to relate to a degree and I'm glad you were able to find a way to move forward. Plus Inspiration comes in different ways (I get the most creative ideas and motivation when I'm stuck in school/ working a job I don't want to do forever. Probably due to desperation but it worked.) Just do whatever you need to and try not to be too stressed about the patreon side of things at least cuz we've got your back.
I'm glad you're feeling better and doing things you want to just for the heck of it. You're a cool guy, Muni; thanks for caring about us fans.
Shpinxis
I think you've said mostly all that can be said at this point and we really appreciate it. I, and I assume many others, are here because of the impact your games have had on us. Keep going and we'll be here cheering you on.
You'll always continue to have my patreon support. Never give up the dream!
WuYixiang
Thank you for being honest with us. As someone who's suffered from depression, I know all to well how it feels and am glad you've started to move again. Nobody should have to go through that. - Jonathan
Nari Kim
No worries! We love you for who you are, and the honesty and everything. :) I am dealing with depression myself, so I know the pain all too well.. Stay strong! Lots of love and hugs from me! <3
お力になれず申し訳ない。が、言葉を尽くすとて不毛の至り。ならば、せめてこの一言だけ… お疲れ様。そして、お帰りなさい。
Jikap
Thank you for your brutal honesty. I'm glad you're feeling better now. I'm not quite sure how to encourage you without applying more pressure on you, so I'll leave that to the others. but take care of yourself, ok?
My scincerest sympathies; I have delt with both depression and anxiety, the latter still a problem to this day I believe. Please don't let the pressures of this job get the better of you. I hit a mental dead-end in college after 4 years and (with other issues in life weighing on me) had to walk away, or else I would have attempted suicide. Thanks for being honest with us here, Muni. It isn't easy for anyone to admit their vulnerabilities.
Delays don't bother me at all. You do you, man. This isn't the first time I've heard of an indie developer getting through burnout by taking some time off their main project to make something smaller. Seems like a great idea. I'm just glad you're in a position where you're able to do that.
submerciful
I didn't become a patron because I wanted to 'invest' in some product expecting some immediate return; I did it because I appreciate the work you do and the world you've created. If delays happen then so be it; I don't feel let down by it and I'd hope everyone else comes to the same understanding. The issues you touch on are things I've seen happen to others all too often, so thank you for being so honest and upfront about it. Your passion for writing comes first and foremost, and it shouldn't be forced into some 40 or 50 hour work week or crunch period. Take your time - I'll still be supporting you regardless.
Voidkravter
When, the seemingly infinite blackness swallows your existence whole, thats a shit thing to happen. But im more than happy to hear that you are better now. Take care of yaself Muni, take the time you need, do the things you need to do, but do not worry, as long i didnt starved i will be here to support you with everything i've got, why? Because i fucking believe in you and your skills and i think many patreons here think the same way. -Void
Mondrian
No worries i am going to Support you anyways :D
