Agrippa
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All Right! Fine! I’ll Take You! – Zaimokuza Gaiden – Chapter 10
🕑 Added 2022-02-01 20:28:45 +0000 UTCSaika is blushing, smiling, and biting his lip.
I feel that Hachiman may hate me if he ever learns of it.
‘No shit. You’re practically NTRing him.’
Inner Hachiman! My relationship with Saika is strictly—well, not Platonic. Just in case.
I still need to look up that damn word.
“I’m so happy for you!” he squeals.
It takes me a moment to realize he’s not talking about me having a legitimate excuse to keep abusing my dictionary.
“I… I mean, it’s all still so… I don’t even think we’ve talked about—oh gods, she called me her boyfriend! In front of everyone! She didn’t even try to hide it!”
Saika cocks his head in incomprehension.
‘Pat him!’
No!
“Why would she?” he says, unaware of Inner Hachiman’s struggles.
“I don’t know! Maybe she has a fever? It would explain the erratic behavior—or maybe reading too much of my writing has driven her off the edge; both my sister and Hachiman always warned me it could happen—”
“No, I mean… why would she hide she’s your girlfriend?”
For a brief, terrible moment, I imagine a world in which even Saika’s gentle demeanor cannot abide not attacking me with sarcastic barbs. Then I look at his pure gaze and realize he means what he says.
That he doesn’t see any reason for the Lady Minami to hide her dalliance with me.
It’s even harder to imagine.
“Well, you know, I’m… me?”
There. That should be explanation enough.
“And isn’t that why she’s with you?”
‘No, that’s the brain damage and Stockholm Syndrome.’
I haven’t kidnapped her!
‘Tell that to the police, fattie.’
“I… I don’t know why she is…” I finally tell Saika. Mostly because I don’t want to let Inner Hachiman keep piling on the damage like he’s finally mastered the juggling mechanics.
“Yoshiteru… Do you love her?”
“Wha—I, I mean, I could extol her virtues and sing her praises till the season changed, and I’d still have plenty of things to say—”
“You having things to say is nothing new, Yoshiteru. I’m just asking you: do you love her?”
We’re sitting on a bench, on the same secluded part of the schoolyard where I dragged Hachiman and him to have lunch with me when I wanted to ask for their guidance. It’s a lovely spot, and a part of me wishes this was spring and that Sakura blossoms would be falling dramatically around us just so I would have something more interesting to look at than my hands folded over my lap.
But it’s still winter, still cold, and I’m still lacing my fingers together, because as cool as my gloves are, the fact they leave my fingers bare is quite an annoyance at this time of the year.
So I sigh and lift my head, looking once again at a perennially gentle smile that one day will make somebody as happy as Hachiman is likely to be with his battle harem.
“… I think so. But I don’t know.”
He closes his eyes for a moment, the smile fading but the gentleness remaining.
“Can you… tell me about it?”
“I… Are you sure you want to listen to me… wax on?”
A hint of the smile returns, with perhaps more humor than he usually shows.
“Yes. Yes, I am.”
‘I do. That line should end with “I do.”’
Hold back your urges, Inner Hachiman. This is a conversation between men.
‘… I’m not going to dignify that with an answer.’
I shift on the bench, facing my friend more fully, and straighten my back.
“She…. She fills me with emotion, and I can’t be near her without something burning through my chest. I can’t hold back things I didn’t know I was hiding, not when she asks it of me. I’ve confided in her about dreams I haven’t told anyone in years. I’ve trusted her with my greatest pride and shame. She’s… She’s made me change in a few days, and I… I…”
I’m crying.
It’s not even manly.
I furiously lift my glasses and wipe my traitorous eyes with my gloves, the world a blurry mess that perfectly illustrates my own feelings at the moment, and—
Saika’s hugging me.
‘… NTR is—”
Shut up.
“And you really want to tell me you don’t know if you love her?” he asks, gently as he does most things, his voice a soothing caress that somehow cruelly stabs my chest as the tears run down my cheeks.
“But—but if I do, and she doesn’t—and why would she? I—I’m me, I am the guy everyone’s too embarrassed to be seen with, the weirdo, the lame writer wannabe. I’m nothing, worse than nothing, I’m an embarrassment, a—”
He squeezes me, his arms surprising me with their strength until I remember he’s the captain of the tennis club, that any frailty doesn’t go beyond the surface. That he’s the opposite of me.
“You’re unique. Special. And you can’t be good before you realize how bad you are. You will grow, you will learn, and you’ll get better at everything you think you lack, but even if you didn’t…”
His grip on me slackens, and he pulls back just a bit, just enough that he looks up at me, that I see his smile shine once more, with kindness, yes, but also with a hint of pride.
Then he continues, and I can’t do anything but listen.
“Even if you didn’t, even if you remained as you are, the same guy with no indoor voice who always gets carried away… You’re still you, Yoshiteru. You’re still a wonderful, loyal friend, someone who cares, someone who won’t belittle others for no reason. You’re a good person, a funny guy, a reliable friend. You’re already good at many things, so you don’t need to dwell so much on others.”
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. And when he opens them, I cannot look away.
“You are worth loving,” he declares.
And I hug him tightly to my broad chest and keep crying in a way that would make Kenshiro look away in disgust.
***
“Do you feel better?” Saika asks after I’ve kept silent for a while.
And I let him go, because the last thing I need is for the Lady Minami to walk in on us, misunderstand things, and reveal her up to now hidden fujoshi tendencies.
One Ebina is already more than enough, thank you very much.
‘You’re still salty she kept upstaging you during the Sports Festival.’
She was brought in to assist!She should’ve known her place!
‘Weren’t you also—’
“Somewhat,” I answer Saika. Because he’s been patiently waiting, and because Inner Hachiman’s being particularly infuriating today.
He leans back on the bench, his elbows over the edge and his head thrown back to look at a sky displaying the faded blue and diffuse clouds of wintertime.
“You know, fitting in is overrated,” he ends up saying, with the tone one expects of people who are about to engage in philosophy without being noticeably drunk.
“I mean… I have kind of lived my life adhering to such a belief up until this point, Saika.”
He chuckles, and it may be the manliest sound I’ve ever heard from him.
“Yes, I know… But you still regret it, right? You still think how things would be if you knew better, knew how to talk to others while still being you but not too much you… don’t you?”
I sigh and lean back myself. Cloud watching is an overrated pastime, but it has its uses.
“Of course I do. I am a writer: I need to understand others.”
He remains silent for a moment, and I’m content to do the same.
‘… Are you all right, dude?’
Ha. Ha.
“I think… I think that’s not completely true—at least, not the whole truth? When I read, I’m not looking for someone who understands me, but for what the writer can tell me. For something… something theirs that they get on the page. And I think you have a lot to offer… even if you’re still learning how to do so.”
I close my eyes, and let the words linger.
Because they ring true.
Because that’s what I looked for in writing: not to understand myself, but a glimpse at what laid outside my mind, at those mysterious things other people always were. And even when consuming… well, popcorn may be the best term for it. Even then, I always felt it was more interesting when the main character was unique in some way, when he showed me something others hadn’t yet…
And, suddenly, I have ideas.
Because I’m surrounded by unique people.
Hachiman? With his cynical, caustic outlook that always hides how much he actually cares?
Yukinoshita? Scathing and carelessly cruel when it’s clear she never means to cause the carnage she leaves behind?
Yuigahama? A normie, a riajuu, who somehow seems to be stuck to the other two for reasons that are only her own and nobody else’s?
Saika? Who—
Oh.
This is one of those times when people are actually talking about themselves, isn’t it?
“You’re a good friend, Saika.”
“Thanks? I mean, what are—”
“You don’t have to worry about fitting in when you’re with us.”
I turn my head, and find him staring at me.
His eyes are a bit harder than usual, up till the point where something in them melts.
“I know. That’s why I told you you’re a good friend, Yoshiteru.”
His voice breaks a little bit.
It’s still far manlier than my own tears.
***
It’s the end of classes, and I’m waiting by the school gate.
People who pass by keep throwing glances at me, at the guy in a trench coat nervously fidgeting by the brick pillar.
I’m pretty sure I’m about two years away from being arrested if I try to reproduce this very scene.
Still, why should one such as I concern himself with—
Because of Minami.
I… It would be wrong to say I never cared about what they said about me. I just cared far more about being the kind of person who wouldn’t yield to others’ expectations. I took pride in it, in my stubborn refusal to yield.
I thought it gallant. Brave.
Even as I shook when they glared at me, when they talked behind my back, but not too far behind so that their words could reach me.
So maybe it was brave, because I withstood many an arrow cast my way.
Or maybe it was foolish, because I could’ve learned the Lady Minami’s vaunted rules and avoided the problem entirely.
And maybe it was both, because courage and madness should go hand in hand, at least for a stretch of the journey.
But… But I’m not walking alone, and I fear that what gets thrown my way may hurt those beside me. Not because they are weaker than I, less able to withstand the blows, but precisely because I know how much they hurt, and I wouldn’t wish it on any who looked upon me with affection.
And… And I…
No. I’m not strong enough to shield her. She’s far better than I at this, as she showed this very morning, acting so decisively, so recklessly…
But…
But I can, maybe, show her it’s worth it?
That I’m trying, that I won’t always be a stone hanging from her neck?
Her brother has given me his blessing, prodded me to be by her side, and offer a kind of support he never could—
‘I mean, I think it’s illegal. Or, at the very least, frowned upon outside the anime industry.’
Inner Hachiman! Must you make a mockery of the scene where I gather my resolve to heroically improve myself and prove I’m worthy of my paramour?!
‘Yes. Yes, I must. Because the scene itself is a mockery. Worthy of her love? Worthy to stand by her side? We all are worthy. Love is not something you buy, something you put a price tag on: it’s something you feel. And you’ll fight for it, for her, because you are not the kind of despicable man who will allow himself to take everything she gives you without ever giving anything back. Right?’
…
I… I don’t know.
‘Then learn.’
I turn to my side and see Minami emerge from the school building. Her eyes meet mine, and she begins to smile before looking to the side in embarrassment, all too aware of the crowd who just realized we are here, together for the first time since this morning’s altercation.
I step forward, as forcefully as I can, and I see a small first-year hurrying to get out of my way.
… I am not that Demon Lord-like, am I?
‘Focus.’
Right.
Another step, a last one, and I’m right in front of the Lady Minami.
Who looks up at me, the difference in our heights never failing to spark that little thrill inside my chest.
“Yoshi—”
I surround her waist with my hands.
Lift her up.
She squeals in something I’m pretty sure isn’t alarm.
And, in front of the whole school, I kiss her.
It doesn’t take her long to return the kiss and wrap her arms around my neck tightly enough I get light-headed.
And, at that, I finally relax.
It may be a side-effect of the asphyxiation, though.
Comments
Agrippa
Glad the last minute addition worked :)
Nick Russo
“A side effect of the asphyxiation.” *snerk*
Agrippa
Sorry about the long, long delay. Between family things, yesterday's writing marathon, and Saika being awfully hard to nail... Well, here it is. Finally.
