Jessie Beale
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I met a boy... (Patreon exclusive blog post)
🕑 Added 2022-09-20 11:31:17 +0000 UTCI never know how much to share on the internet... where to draw the line on oversharing my personal life. But words are my love language, communicating and speaking my thoughts is how I process.
So I want to share a story with you about a boy.
I was away in Melbourne over the weekend teaching a naked yoga event. I never intended to go anywhere beyond the hotel, I was tired after holding a vulnerable space. But my friend who had traveled interstate with me convinced me to go out, to explore the Melbourne nightlife. I'm a human who is almost always riddled with anxiety and I struggle to 'let my hair down' as they say, so with reservations and full to the brim with hesitation, I said yes to a night on the town and I'm so glad I did...
I got dressed, I put on make-up and I ordered myself an espresso martini at the first bar we walked into.
As the drinks increased, so did my confidence, and man it felt good to let go! I closed my eyes as my body began to move and I felt the music wash over me.
My friend and I moved from bar to bar, drink after drink, bodies becoming fluid and smiles brighter.
Caught somewhere between bliss and euphoria, I was approached by someone on the dance floor. "Have you met my friend Dave*?" He said. I looked at this stranger standing in front of me and then at his friend Dave. I felt 18 again, being approached in a club. I laughed at the situation I had found myself in. We engaged in a small amount of conversation, but considering the volume of the music not much more was discussed.
His name was Zac*.
The night continued and I found myself searching for him through the crowd. It took me by surprise, my urge to speak to him again. To have his face close to mine telling me his name. Was this just a need for validation? To know that I was still wanted, to feel youthful once more? At least these would have been the questions running through my mind if I wasn't 3 cocktails and 4 tequila shots deep into the night.
Now I want to pause for a moment. You may be in two minds right now and one of those being my long-term partner, Anna. Yes, We're still together and no, I wasn't cheating.
When I first started dating Anna 2 years ago one of the first things I said to her is that I do not want to be in a long-term monogamous relationship. If that is tomorrow or in 10 years' time, at some point I would like to explore the world of ethical non-monogamy.
In my previous relationship, I cheated. I cheated to feel. I was lost, I didn't understand sexuality or my desires. But the saddest part is my cheating did not result in guilt, it left me empty. I felt nothing. This is what shaped my urge to explore an open relationship.
So here I was, smitten by a complete stranger.
The night went on, I had stopped drinking by this point and I considered calling it night but then I spotted him again. There he was across the room, hands tangled in another woman's hair, his lips pressed against hers.
I smiled, happy for him as that was probably what he wanted, what he was in the club for. This is definitely a sign to call it a night, I thought to myself. I began searching the crowd for my friend I had started the night with but who do I find instead? Zac. I looked at him and said 'so you've found your hook up for the night I see'. He laughs and swears it's an ex-girlfriend of his that he won't be going home with. I give in to desire and decide to stay a little longer, I enjoyed being within his presence. There was just something about him.
We danced, laughed and even found ourselves a quiet space to talk. I found him just as fascinating as he found me. I openly told him I had a long-term girlfriend and that I wouldn't be going home with him that night, that my partner wasn't ready for that. He grabbed me and told me he wanted to kiss me.
I wanted to kiss him too.
I said no. Why not just enjoy this, I said. The thrill, the chase, the electricity in the air. He agreed.
He gave me his number as I gently kissed him on the cheek and said goodbye.
I honestly thought I would never see him again but the following day my friend who had come to Melbourne with me said he was going to meet up with a girl he had met the night before. My memories of the previous night came flooding back and I messaged Zac. I just had to see him again.
I stood there waiting for an Uber with butterflies in my stomach. Was I about to go on a date?! This is the first time I had been intimate with someone outside of my relationship, this was a big deal.
I lay there on the grass waiting for him, overthinking every aspect of the situation. What if I was not what he remembered? Should I be doing this? What if I get awkward?
The moment he sat down next to me, time stood still. I looked at him and I smiled, engulfed by his presence. A sense of calm washed over me and I sunk into the moment knowing I may never see him again.
We walked, talked, and laughed. We lay there on a boat jetty, sun on our skin, a cool breeze in the air listening to the water slap against the buoys. We revealed our secrets and desires but with nothing in common other than the mutual feeling of magic at that moment.
He was career-driven and longed for children mothered by a beautiful wife. I was a free spirit, refusing to conform to the future that was written for us. With no mutual interests and no common ground, we were not compatible in any way. We laughed at the fact, that all we had was the moment we were in, nothing more.
*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.
