PhiloPhilosoPhilosophy
patreon
Episode 4: Stray Cats
🕑 Added 2021-10-15 22:01:00 +0000 UTCEpisode 4: Stray Cats
All fertilizer is made up of processed dead bodies. Funny how much life comes from it then.
Gensokyo Welcomes you.
The Harvest has finished up!
Despite the Scarlet Mist Incident, it seems that everything has gone quite well and the village’s granaries are all full to the bursting. One might say it’s even a… miracle? Yes. A miracle that the harvest was successful despite such an incident.
Kek.
In all seriousness, let us give a big hand to the Aki Sisters and the farmers for all their hard work in preserving the Harvest. It wasn’t easy for them to revitalize the crops after a month of dim sunlight, but they did it and so we now have the supplies to begin the preparation for nature’s long sleep with a bounty of food.
Plan carefully and store cautiously. Lives depend on it as they do with every action, but here, as leaves fall and nature sleeps, the cold and the dark will come and test.
So have fun! It’ll be fine so long as you complete the proper preparations. Things to remember are food, lumber, and medical supplies. Make sure you have backup plans for unforeseen disasters and be sure to keep in touch with friends and families and even enemies. Especially enemies. Watch closely.
There is a clowder of stray cats roaming about Gensokyo. As is the wont of cats, they are a force of destruction and chaos and I recommend that you run and hide or hide and fortify or run and hide and fortify what you love.
Do not attempt to directly stop them. They are **Ow. Careful with that, Daiyousei.** They are armed with innate weapons and are more than willing to use them. Board up your windows, hide your valuables, and douse everything in citrus to ward them off.
I repeat, these cats are biologically armed and more than willing to use their natural born weapons. Do not attempt to stop them. They will leave eventually, but they will leave behind a trail of destruction and chaos. They do not seem to be interested in taking lives and are simply interested in the upturning and ruination of livelihoods, but that may change at any moment. Do not give them reason to, please.
Run and hide and fortify. Be prepared to abandon anything and everything though. There will be shame, but shame is temporary. Death may also be temporary, but the pain from **Okay, ow. Thank you Dai, but that’s enough.** cat scratches are temporarily, intensely painful. These cats scratch and the sheer numbers they bring to bear are not quite deadly, but will certainly make one yearn for death.
Moving on.
Now that the harvest is over, there is much free time now. Which means people do strange and possibly idiotic things.
Such as attempting to claim the Hieda Family’s bounty on your loveable host of this very show.
In all seriousness, please stop searching for me. If you need to contact me, leave something in the new box at the foot of the Dragon God’s statue. This one is lightly cursed, so please do not attempt to move it unless you wish to experience non-lethal anguish. If it truly is urgent, look for a Fairy and say that you need to speak with me. They will bring whatever message you give them to me in a prompt and quick-ish manner, give or take several distractions. I am told that sweets and candy may lessen distractions.
As you finish your preparations, you will have free time, so please use this time productively. Learn an instrument, learn to draw, plan a murder and hide a body, write a book and release all your sexual frustration, or simply enjoy feeling time slip away with the knowledge that you allow it to do so just this once unlike all the other times it slipped away without your permission.
Any of that. Just please stop searching for me. There will be much regret if I am found. Who’s, who knows, but it shall most likely be yours. Please stop trying to find me.
As it is, there already is regret. Why do so many of you insist on going to the Yokai Trail? I am not a Yokai as I have said before. I will not be there. I am merely a human. An interesting human, I will humbly admit, but human nevertheless.
On the yokai side of privacy, specifically my own, I would like to humbly ask all of the tengu to stop trying to find me. I have hidden myself for a purpose and that purpose is that I am an introverted mess of a being and prefer the idea of speaking with strangers as a firm theoretical concept. And knowing the penchant of the supernatural beings, I would very much like to avoid a Danmaku battle that is sure to end in pain. Who’s, who knows but it shall most likely be mine. Please stop trying to find me.
Emergency alert to the Scarlet Devil Mansion.
The feral cats have entered the library. I repeat, the feral cats have entered the mansion. They have ceased their yowling and wailing, and have become remarkably quiet. Evidently, they respect the unofficial rule of indoor voices. They do not respect a patron’s right to read peacefully and have claimed laps and unattended open books as their napping areas.
Sakuya Izayoi, Perfect and Elegant Maid is attempting to evict them, but something must be going wrong as her face grows progressively more scratched up with each cat deposited outside. Evidently, stopping time does not equate stopping feline fury. The Maid Fairies are attempting to help, but are being wounded in numbers most alarming.
You fools. I warned you. Run and hide and fortify. Douse things in citrus. Do not fight with them. They will leave.
But you, in your hubris, failed to heed my warnings. You too shall face this persistent yet bearable pain upon your skin. I recommend using aloe for the scratches. Cirno was kind enough to provide ice for me, so that works too.
Patchouli, Unmoving Great Librarian, is currently in critical condition and had to be escorted from her beloved library. She was not scratched at all, but the sheer number of cats and their shedding fur has caused an asthma attack of catastrophic proportions.
Pardon the pun.
Hopefully, these cats will leave soon and our favorite librarian can get back to grumpily reading things once more.
And now a word from our sponsors. It’s… Ah… Another slip from… MahoTech. I truly hope that this one is less bloody on the eyes. I am carefully opening it. The paper is out. Nothing has happened. I am cautiously opening my eyes and reading it.
...It is blank. There is nothing on it. But just because there is nothing does not mean something is not happening right now.
I stand corrected. Something is happening.
Interesting news on this week’s advertisement from Mahotech, Dreamers. I am not bleeding from my eyeballs this time. However, my vision has become quite saturated and everything looks as if it was in a wonderland of color. It feels as if I have eaten some particularly special mushrooms and am riding a strange high.
Indeed, I feel abnormally calm even as I see colors I do not understand and hear things forgotten in the future now. Pardon me while I take a bracing sip of tea.
...This tastes purple. I have decided I do not like the taste of purple. The color is fine, the taste is not to my liking at all.
The moment has passed, and, while short, was certainly memorable.I still have no idea what MahoTech is selling, but I must admit, paper slips that can drug you are certainly an interesting way to advertise and an experience that you won’t forget anytime soon. Adjust the intensity just a bit, and I can see this becoming a real hit at parties.
Now for corrections.
Do you remember the Lottery? Please forget about that. Due to some oversight, we forgot to pass our tickets before drawing. Not that it would matter as everything has been confiscated by the Hieda Family. Save the everlasting ice-cube which was stolen by Rikako Asakura, a strange woman with the mad glint of curiosity in her eyes.
I mentioned once that mushrooms in the Forest of Magic are tasty and delicious. I forgot to add that they are also lethal and not fit for most beings to eat. Apologies as I did not know this at the time of said cooking show. I am fine, do not worry. Death is simply a suggestion for me, from me, to me. Please be careful in what you consume.
It has been previously assumed that Sakuya Izayoi uses pads. It is no longer assumed.
This has been corrections.
The clowder of cats has invaded the village. I hope you have prepared for them. There appears to be a young bakeneko in a green mob cap attempting to corral them, but she has been drowned, overtaken by the rolling and roiling tide of cats. She is not dead, drowning is survivable in short bursts after all, but she is most definitely not enjoying being dragged along in this orgiastic parade of feline destruction and decadence.
Make peace with what you have wrought, bury what you can, and hide your children in water. It is a myth that cats fear water, but perhaps it will buy you time.
I see that some of you have taken up weapons. I pity you fools. I cannot help but commend your bravery though and salute with painfully nipped fingers to you. To those of you who wish to fight this purring and mewling wave of chaos, I wish you the fortune. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dRt5SldKAY&ab_channel=%E6%A3%AE%E7%BE%85%E4%B8%87%E8%B1%A1%2FShinra-Bansho
You lost. There is no shame in that. I fought with them too and I lost.
All of my skin feels as if it is made up of fire, acid, and severe regret. I successfully drove off the cats at the cost of everything in my home. I feel no victory from this. My tent is in complete and utter tatters. My food has been gnawed on, stepped upon, and rendered unfit for consumption. The citrus that I doused the clearing to prevent a second occurrence of cats has also seeped into the innumerable scratches inflicted by said cats.
There was no honor, no glory here. Only pain, annoyance, and irritation of types mental and physical. Everything smells like urine and an intense… something. It is not regret nor anger, but it is very intense. It may be nausea.
There is a time to fight and evidently that was not today. This was no great defense against a great threat, simply a defense against a mildly pernicious disaster. Our homes are ultimately unscathed, most of it superficial and decor based.
Nothing was broken that cannot be replaced save a few vases and priceless artifacts left by our ancestors. They were ugly anyhow and you were looking for an excuse to toss it out, and a cat doing it for you leaves no sin upon your hands.
Today was not a good day for fighting. Perhaps we should’ve simply been passive and let the clowder of stray cats pass through. It would’ve been messy, but less messy than stopping them.
Yet for the pain and regret that comes from this loss, I cannot help but feel satisfied. This clowder of stray cats felt like a good practice run for fighting gods and demons. All of them think that they are unstoppable, untouchable, but a simple refusal will force them to deal with you as an equal, no matter how short that time is.
And while my time may have been wasted, their time was not enjoyed either.
...I need to find some aloe for these scratches. Everything hurts so very much.
Come now, dreamer.
It is time to go.
Till next we dream.
Today’s Proverb: Sometimes it is nice to know that you are owned.
