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029 - The Yearning of a Broken Man
🕑 Added 2024-07-12 14:51:56 +0000 UTCWhile Yun Jingfei was back at their lodging, practising her swordplay, Qin Yun walked the streets of Jin City, putting his thoughts in order. This was just another of his hobbies. To avoid being recognized while doing so, Qin Yun had a habit of altering his features, becoming indistinguishable.
To him, immersing himself in the everyday lives of the common man was something he craved dearly, as, most of the time, he felt alien to the world he resided in. Sometimes, being too experienced wasn’t something favourable. He had difficulty relating to mankind’s minor tragedies.
For him, the loss of a loved one had long stopped hurting. While he could still feel grief, it would never be like the first time when he had watched the first woman he had married take her last breath. Her face was twisted by suffering, and the tears that blurred his vision were still vivid in his mind, as were the emotions he felt. Yet, it felt less like a memory and more like a fact he could recall as he wished.
He dreaded becoming numb to the world around him and uncaring of those close to him. This was also why he married in each of his lives. He needed someone to tie him down to reality; otherwise, he would drift away with no anchor and fade away into apathy. Even now, apathy was something close to him—much too close, even.
This was also the reason for his stroll into society; he needed something to remind him he wasn’t alone and that others had their own lives and weren't just some robots unrelated to him going through the motions. They were living and breathing, with their own stories to tell. It would be so easy to forget all this and simply become an unending monster.
While he was selfish, he couldn’t forget this world didn’t belong to him, no matter how unique he might be. There were others with their own brand of uniqueness that forged their own paths. While he had difficulty empathizing with them, he could sympathize. Yet, none could empathize with him.
There was also another problem he could never resolve. The disparity between the unending memories surfacing in his mind and the youthful flesh he possessed. Sometimes, the flesh would take over—especially in his teenage years—and influence his mind. This duality was something he could hardly control. Besides, he wondered if it was something he needed to control.
While he knew more than most, he was only a young adult prone to making mistakes. Sometimes, he wondered if the individuals in his memory were even himself. Honestly, he preferred to think of them as all unique individuals possessing the same set of memories. It made living with himself much easier as he could dismiss some of the things that occurred in some of his previous lives.
It wasn't that he refused to accept responsibility for his actions, but he knew he wouldn't have chosen to act this way. Was he Qin Yun, a young cultivator married to a beautiful wife, the drunkard that had perished all those eons ago, or was he the amalgam of all those lives in between?
While he knew that they all shared a connection, thanks to the hovering black sphere, where should he draw the line on who he was? Should he accept that he would be reborn endlessly until the end of time? But, with all those worlds existing simultaneously and the convolutedness of their existences, was time something that could even end? Would he be doomed to repeat it all endlessly?
While Qin Yun didn’t fear death, he feared its repetitiveness. He couldn’t restart again endlessly. While his mind could take it, his emotions couldn’t. Yet, no world offered reprieve; none like this one.
The promise of unending life cultivation offered was something Qin Yun dearly hoped for. The only way to break the cycle Qin Yun had found was to stop its rotation altogether. If he never died, he couldn’t be reborn. Still, this wasn’t his first attempt, far from it.
Many times, he had trudged on this road only to fall prematurely. Sometimes, he wondered if the heavens wished for his death. Most times, his death would come through no fault of his own, either through illness or something akin to cosmic interference.
Feeling as if the world was out to get him, Qin Yun then grew bolder in his means, testing the limits of his own self as if betting on his demise. Qin Yun looked back on those days fondly; he was still young and energetic, feeling the revolt of youth against an unknown oppressor.
But now, he was jaded. He could only feel the monotony of what living offered. Only living vicariously through others offered some sort of salvation. This was why he was attracted to Yun Jingfei. She held a flame of defiance in her heart, something he hadn’t felt in a long time. He wished to see how high she could grow, how far she could go, and how important she could become to him.
While this marriage contract came from him, he hoped that Yun Jingfei could make him love her as he had loved so many other women, even more still. He wanted a love like a blazing fire, threatening to ignite his life at any moment, even if he would perish in the end. He wanted something that could burn his apathy away; something that was real.
While Qin Yun had mentioned to her that love wasn’t necessary for a marriage to succeed, he still hoped they would grow past it. Honestly, he mostly said this as he knew she wouldn’t be receptive to the idea of love. It was much easier to ground their relationship in rationality first, then they could foster feelings.
While this might be too hefty a weight for her slender shoulders to carry, Qin Yun wished to respond in kind. He wanted to give her something real, even if he could not produce such uncontrollable emotions. He was full of them at one point, but they had all been eroded by time.
This was also why he did nothing while all his family mocked and despised him. He needed to feel some strong emotions coming from others to reignite the flame burning in his heart. Unfortunately, their hate was much too tame to evoke strong emotions in him. All he had ever felt was dismissal. He considered antagonizing them further, yet despite it all, they were family. He couldn't bring himself to truly hurt them.
Qin Yun sat at a road stall, watching children play in a communal courtyard. He felt slightly envious of their youthful vibrancy and naive obliviousness. They had no worries and could live vividly in the present.
Qin Yun had tried countless times to emulate their state of mind, yet it was only a delusion, an illusion of the heart. At times, Qin Yun would drown his apathy in wine, ironically numbing his numbness. When the mood struck him, he would invite others to share this elixir of life, escaping his woes through temporary companionship.
They regaled him with mundane tales, which could happen to anyone. Yet, it was this banality that attracted him. He had experienced too much, and the extraordinary was now his normalcy, while common occurrences were scarce commodities.
When the mood struck him, Qin Yun would share some of his experiences, to the delight of most crowds. Children would drink his every word as they imagined themselves in his shoes while their parents gorged on this escapism. Even if he were to tell them the truth about their origins, they would only think of them as the ravings of a lunatic.
As such, few were ever aware of his true depths, while fewer ever believed him. Qin Yun knew the best way to go about this would be to tell his wife the truth, that he was more than he seemed. Yet, his cowardice prevented him from doing so. He didn't fear that she would not believe him but that she would instead.
He didn't want their relationship to be based on some idolization of who he was supposed to be but on love of who he was at the moment, flaws and all. More than once, he had seen the woman he cared for change her stance once she heard of his story. It was predictable: who could resist the allure of what Qin Yun could offer them?
Riches, power, longevity? Qin Yun had it all, yet none of it mattered to him. What he truly wished for was denied to him so many times. He wanted someone to mend his broken heart or, at least, infuse warmth into it.
Still, what Qin Yun wanted wasn’t pity. He may be broken in some ways, but he was still much more than what others could ever dream of. He didn't need someone to know the real him nor to know the depths of his thoughts. He only wanted to feel genuine emotions.
Still, he knew this was unfair to Yun Jingfei. How could he expect her to open her heart when he couldn't be honest? This was why he tried to overcompensate. He would do what he could for her in the best way he could. If this marriage wasn't what she hoped for, he would let her go in the end. He wouldn't let her waste her youth on this futile endeavour.
Qin Yun relished these moments as he drowned in his melancholy. Sadness and nostalgia were some things he held dearly in his heart. While most wished to do away with them, to Qin Yun, these emotions were too precious to part with.
As he drifted into city life's bustle, Qin Yun heard some fascinating rumours. Numerous dried-up corpses recently sprung up within the city. Curiously enough, those corpses weren't limited to one district but were spread equally between mortals and cultivators.
This was strange to him as both groups were much too distinct from each other and possessed very different predators. This was the work of a man, to be sure, a serial killer. Still, Qin Yun was intrigued with the state of those corpses. Yet, second-hand accounts could only do so much to paint the whole picture without seeing one with his own eyes.
Besides, how were these many victims even related? What were the motives for their deaths? Why this method of execution? Many questions floated in his mind. Somehow, he felt he should investigate this, yet something gnawed at him. It wasn't in his nature to involve himself so deeply in something unrelated to him.
He knew this feeling, however, as if something was stirring him in that direction. Every time he had followed that feeling, some tragedy occurred, usually ending in his death. This was why he mainly chose to remain a spectator.
While he most likely wouldn't regain the emotions he had lost this way, he would at least keep his life and not have to restart again. Qin Yun wanted this to be his last life, as he already had some ties to this world. In fact, severing those ties each time was what led to his numbness in the first place. Yet, he couldn't help but make new ones once again. He feared loneliness too much to bask in it.
Qin Yun looked to the heavens above, daring them with his gaze. Yet, the heavens ignored his intent as he was but another ant under them. Someday, he would pierce the veil and uncover what lay beyond. And yet, Qin Yun was grateful for the seal they had placed on his memories. The thrill of the unknown was something he missed dearly.
As the midday sun began its descent toward the horizon, he left his thoughts and chose to return home. Somehow, being away from his wife brought forth emotions of longing. A slight smile appeared on his face as he recalled her features.
She had already made a place for herself within his heart. Qin Yun hoped it would only grow from here until she took the entirety of his thoughts. This was only the beginning of his plans, and he couldn't wait to reach the end.
Comments
lenkite
wow, this was a whole chapter where the MC is just stuck in his head. He wants to feel love - which is a big contradiction from what he stated earlier - where he said he wouldn't burden love with marriage.
