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DITW 12-2: Dove
🕑 Added 2023-11-06 00:00:03 +0000 UTCShe found Josh’s note on the kitchen counter, his gentle scrawl describing an inner turmoil across an oblong tear-off sheet pulled from the pad magnetized to the fridge. Across the top, a cartoon dog sled team raced from left to right, dog tongues happily flopping. Underneath read the pun: Things I Mush Do. And below the delightful drawing, Josh’s calligraphic confession.
Kimmy, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know who I am right now. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know how to talk to you. I do know that when you talk to me, it leaves me more mixed up than when you say nothing. I need some time. I need peace. I will call you later. And I love you.
Josh
Good old kind-hearted Josh signing off with the important caveat: you’re torturing me, but I love you. So worried his honest note might harm her. Afraid, too, that his note might be considered an act of aggression. Kind Josh, a man afraid of conflict, showing his neck in case his perceived first-blow brought a return of equal or greater amplitude. Josh was good. Josh was fragile. Josh deserve care and protection.
It eluded her why it had come to this. Not Josh’s reaction. Josh’s reaction was now and always magnanimous. He gave her more respect and trust than she deserved. Why had she surrendered to temptation? How had there been such weakness in her resolve? Such useless, pointless betrayal. What had licensed such carelessness with the only person in her life she loved and trusted?
It couldn’t be answered with anything but theory and speculation.
One thing was for sure: She would not lose Josh. She would do anything to preserve him.
So with the note folded into an unreadable blank square and re-magnetized to the fridge, she dressed in a sharp suit, stopping in the hall to send Josh one more text.
Kimmy: Ok. I found your note. Call me when you can.
Then, minutes later, sitting in her car waiting for it to warm, she texted him again.
Kimmy: I’m sorry.
#
Josh didn’t call until eleven in the morning, her stomach sour and tight. When she saw his name lit on her phone she rose from her chair, held the phone to her chest, paced her office before sitting in one of the two chairs across from her desk. She ran her lower teeth across her upper lip, took a breath, then answered.
The simple sound of his voice brought her breath in sobbing chugs, and she had to steady herself with a loose fist over her heart, rubbing in circles.
“I’m sorry you didn’t find my note first. I didn’t know where to leave it.”
“It’s all right. Are you okay?”
Josh sighed. “I don’t know, Kimmy. I really don’t know. I feel like I got hit by a truck and woke up at the hospital and I don’t know who I am.”
She chewed her cheek. “It’s okay. I know who you are.” In her periphery she could see Tami watching from the lobby, pretending to work, but surveying why the new lawyer would do something so weird. She swiveled the chair away.
“Well at least someone does,” Josh said, sounding exhausted.
“Josh, I want nothing but your happiness. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I don’t even know where to start, Kimmy. It’s like everything is wrong.”
Her lips slimmed. “Don’t say that, Josh. Everything isn’t wrong. If you tell yourself it is, then...”
“I just don’t know why you were so aggressive last night.”
“At the car? Josh, I was playing. You know I was playing.”
“It’s just so mean. So scary.”
There was silence, just the sounds of their breathing. She swiveled the chair further. “You know he wasn’t there. You know that, right? That would be crazy, Josh. Like, what were you thinking?”
“Is he there today?”
She sighed again, a burden weighing on her heart. Her stomach reminded her it was sour. “No, Josh. He’s not here today.”
“Maybe later today,” Josh said. “Maybe the next day. Some day he will. Some day soon.”
“We talked about this. I told you to let me handle it.”
She listened to him breathe a while. He said, “I need some time for myself.”
She nodded, thinking about it. “Where are you?”
“I’d rather not say.”
“Are you at Meyer’s?”
“Kimmy...”
She frowned. “Steve’s? You’re at Meyer’s. You can tell me. . . . I know you’re at Meyer’s.”
“Can I please have some space?”
“I’ll give you space. Josh, I’ll give you space at home. You can come home.”
“No. No, I can’t.”
“Josh, please...”
“Kimmy, I can’t.”
“You can’t be in the apartment with me?”
“Devlin jerked off in front of you. He put his dick on your fucking leg. How can these things occur without— . . . Tell me you didn’t fuck him.”
She exhaled a burst of quiet air, her stomach flinching. The attack had come stronger than she’d expected. “Josh, come on...”
“Tell me you didn’t fuck him, Kimmy.”
The back of her neck went hot and damp. She rubbed it. “Is that what you want to hear?”
“Tell me.”
She closed her eyes. “Josh, I didn’t fuck him.”
“Bull shit.”
“That’s so unfair.”
“You’ve never fucked him?”
“Come on, Josh...”
Josh made a frustrated sound of pure rage she’d never heard from him, and she was sure he would explode and rifle his phone into the wall. But after a moment, he returned, angrier than ever, but restraining himself through gritted teeth. “Can’t you hear this? Can’t you hear what this sounds like? How can I come home? How can I come home, Kimmy, when I don’t even know which way is up? You’re fucking messing with my head, I know there’s so much more, but I don’t want to fucking know it, and yet every time I turn my head it’s there demanding my attention; every time I look in the mirror I see a guy who is too afraid to ask his wife something so god damn simple because he... He...”
“Because he what?”
Very quiet: “Because he fucking knows the answer already.”
“Josh— Josh, listen to me. I love you. I love you more than anything else. That is something so true, that I love to say it. I love you. You’re everything.”
“I’m everything, but...” He left the end hanging, his voice trembling with unadulterated defeat. He knew she’d cheated but he didn’t want to hear it.
With the sunny late-September city view beyond her window wall, she closed her eyes and rubbed her brow. “I’m just under so much pressure.”
“It’s not anything you can’t walk away from, Kimmy.
“I’m not walking away, Josh.”
“Of course you’re not. But you love me, right?”
“Of course I love you, Josh. Is that the measure of my love, whether you can make me quit my job?”
“Yeah, like that’s what I want.”
“You’re asking me to.”
“It’s not the job, Kimmy. You know what it is, don’t try to manipulate my words. It’s not the job I want you to quit, it’s what?”
“It’s not simple, Josh. I told you to let me handle this.”
“You’re asking me to hold more than I can hold.”
She didn’t answer, not knowing what to say, staring at her fingernails and wishing the path wasn’t so bumpy and filled with potholes. “I asked you to trust me. Don’t you trust me?”
Josh didn’t answer, just took a deep breath and let it out. Then: “Kimmy, I need some time. Don’t you see it?”
“I don’t mind, Josh. Okay. Take some time. . . . Tell me where you’re staying.”
“No.”
“Why not?” You think I’m going to come and find you?”
“Would you or wouldn’t you?”
She rolled her head around. “I don’t know how to answer that.”
“Why not?”
“Of course I would want to find you, but if I say that, then you won’t tell me. If I say I wouldn’t, then you’ll say it’s because I don’t care.”
“I’m keeping us both safe by not telling you.”
“Keeping us both safe from what?”
“From you, Kimmy. From you.”
The answer was ridiculous and got her scowling. “That’s terrible. Why would you say that?”
“Because it’s true. . . . You told me last night I’m my own worst enemy. You don’t think you rank?”
“I’m not your enemy, Josh.”
“Just pretend I don’t exist for a night. How about that? Maybe that’s what I want.”
“That’s chilling.”
“You think I’m being dramatic?”
“No, but you have to admit it’s like you want me to suffer. You’re punishing me. You’re shutting me out to hurt me.”
“I’m not doing that. Are you saying you didn’t do anything that deserves punishment?”
“Are you saying I did?” It was a reflexive response, but now she worried how his response could hurt her.
It was slow coming, but at last he said, “You tell me.”
“Josh, don’t hang up angry,” she said, seeing how this would be a point won, a place for him to step away having landed a good blow. “Don’t be alone when you’re mad at me. I can’t live like that. Tell me you love me.”
He said, “You know I love you.”
“Say it. Say it for me.”
He grumbled first before saying, “I love you. I love, I do. That’s why I’m not coming home. That’s why I want to be alone. When I’m with you, I’m lost. I’ll do whatever you say, believe whatever you say. You know how to control me.”
“No, I don’t.”
“I have to go,” he said, wounded. “I’m at work.”
“Will you call me tonight?”
“I don’t know. Yeah, I guess.”
She said, “I know you’re at Meyer’s. Just tell me you’re there.”
“Please leave it alone.”
“Okay. Call me.”
“Yeah, all right. Bye. Okay?”
“Bye, Josh. I love you.”
The pause afterward dragged on for eternity. Then: “I love you, too.”
Josh hung up, and she kept the phone pressed to her ear for a long time without moving, watching the amorphous cloud shadows cross the sunlit geometric urban sprawl. The leaves had begun to fall and she could see them collecting in the gutters and the corners in shaggy yellow bundles.
Maybe he wasn’t at Meyer’s. If he was telling the truth about where he wasn’t hiding, then where was he? She squeezed her forehead, trying to quell the rising pressure behind her eyes.
Then she was up and moving, checking her Find My Phone one more time. Still no location for her wounded husband. She opened her glass door and popped her head out to say to Tami, “Where’s Devlin today?”
Tami cocked her head, thinking. “He’s in Kingston.”
“Is he coming to Toronto?”
“I don’t know. It’s Friday. He might. He likes to go out on the weekend.”
He could be at Steve’s, but Steve wasn’t the friend Meyer was, and Steve provided no further value to Josh’s current dilemma other than as a confidante. Meyer was a much better confidante, but what if Josh wanted more than a shoulder to cry on? What if he wanted to know the truth?
Her hands began to tremble with the spinning, depthless horror that Josh could go to Devlin to untie the knot she had tied him into.
Comments
Bill F Protagoras
I can't help but feel that the US clings to destiny because it manifestly justifies the attempted, and almost successful genocide of North America's first nations... and, despite the ghostly paradigm that money doesn't make you happy (ey, Kimmy), it condones the idea that the rich are always with us and ipso facto so are the poor, so much for the "Greater good..." Just as we'll all inevitably eat the cream pie of our choice when we die. Except for the atheists who will get nothing... which is as close to eternal peace as I can imagine. Destiny or predeterminism is just a pathetic coverup to make no effort to change things, or persuade Josh to believe that when he dies he'll be a big dick too. But "poor pathetic" Josh wouldn't want that if he could have it... also methinks that many people would rush to condemn Kimmy because of the dual standard for women, which despite his telling tactical lies to Meyer, Josh struggles to eschew.
Bill F Protagoras
It's a little known fact but the Chairman didn't like Pluto... but cautiously chose not to mention it because of the ever increasing power of Hollywood lawyers...
Bill F Protagoras
My bad... couldn't agree more... but insist on "cartoon" dog... Cheers!
Bill F Protagoras
I think Josh needs space to build himself to the sticking point... what will happen then, I may imagine, but don't dare guess... a wiser head than mine will elucidate no doubt.
Donkatsu
BIll, I believe you left a few words of the full descriptor out of your post: The entire epithet for Devlin is "running dog lackey of the imperialist Wall Street hyenas." 🥸
Bill F Protagoras
In the early books the author makes it clear that Kimmy was a very different person. The good opinions of her held by the couple's mutual friends prove it too... She used to help immigrants, for modest compensation... Anyone who has suffered a trauma would ask why. North American media pushes the idea that people never change... but life shoves change down our throats... we constantly change... identity is a convenience and a convention of our egocentric view of existence. People in glass houses shouldn't fire bb guns... wise saws and moral instances survive the passage of time for a reason! What does she see in Devlin apart from the big dick he shoves up her... Devlin is an aspiring plutocrat who doesn't realize he is part abusive capitalist running cartoon dog, and part smug Hades wannabe fingering his ill gotten gains while gloating that he keeps Persephone in his dark realm. Put your hands up if you think Kimmy is worse than him... before the stoning begins.
Kat
I agree with you. Kimmy is probably going to get desperate enough to do something stupid, most likely with Devlin, that’s liable to destroy Josh. Josh already knows some of what they’ve done behind his back, thanks to Devlin. He lives to torment Josh, and wants Kimmy for himself. Kimmy’s been losing control of the situation for a while. She’s been trying to get Josh back and keep him docile, but it’s all falling apart. She already “fucked up,” so to speak, with Hyun. She didn’t need to do what she did, and now it’s just going to be one more complication for her to cover up. Josh doesn’t even know that she’s pregnant yet, and when he does he’s going to question the paternity. How can he not? Kimmy is actually her own worst enemy. She says she loves Josh more than anything, and that he’s her everything, but her actions are the complete opposite. I enjoyed this chapter so much. It was so well written and satisfying seeing Josh finally confront Kimmy, and do something for himself, for his own preservation. He’s become such a shell of a person, filled with incredible guilt for everything that he thinks he did, and for how he’s felt about it. I hope he tells Meyer everything. Josh deserves some peace before Kimmy drops the inevitable boom on him.
L_S87
I'm a bit concerned that Kimmy in her desperation is going to make concessions to Devlin in order to "keep" Josh by ensuring he only gets "Kimmy Approved" info from Devlin. That won't go how she thinks it will and Devlin will leverage it as another dagger in Josh's already perforated heart. We'll see. I like Josh showing some backbone here... I just think it's going to make Kimmy so desperate that she'll do something spectacularly awful, even for her.
Bill F Protagoras
"Dove"... Cunning title... three pronunciations, at least three meanings, and two languages... all relevant to a greater or lesser extent... perhaps there are more... I cherish things that remind me of the valuable precept that I know nothing... gives yer somethin' to think about, dunnit?
Andrew Mellein
I think this is KT’s best chapter in this series yet. I love the conflict between Josh and Kimmy! Although Josh says he loves Kimmy, I feel he didn’t really love her anymore especially with things said underneath the surface (They both know she cheated). He generally fears her and doesn’t want to be in her orbit. I can’t wait for Devlin to pop up and see his conversation with Kimmy. It’s getting good!
L_S87
You're right, of course. I just wonder if she's got some idea of how she thinks she can use Devlin without having to trust him to "do the right thing." She's backed herself into a corner. Given Josh's statement on her telling the "truth", that ship has basically sailed as well, since being "set free" in this instance is definitely not what she wants but is likely what Josh would do. (Which I think is why he doesn't want to know beyond the obvious "yes" to sleeping with Devlin. He's pretty sure the answers will force him to do what he doesn't want to do)
CSH
Of course she doesn’t trust him. She really doesn’t have a choice though, does she? Well, okay, there is honesty with her husband, lol.
L_S87
I wonder. Is Kimmy going to trust Devlin to do it right this time? I agree with your assessment that it's the perfect opportunity for Devlin, I just don't think she can trust him as far as she can throw him. He's proven that multiple times. But... Kimmy is desperate. So is Josh. He doesn't want Devlin to "win", which is why he isn't walking away from Kimmy, but boy does that leave lot of space for Devlin to insert himself in all sorts of nefarious, and physical, ways.
Andrew Mellein
I want Josh to catch Kimmy in the act with Devlin. Now that she’s probably going to confront Devlin. I wonder if there is more to Josh’s plan than shacking up at Meyer’s? Also what’s Kimmy’s cockamamie idea of needing more time working for Devlin? And no mention of Kimmys love child to Josh? So many intriguing questions!
CSH
Perfect. A conversation that has needed to happen for a while now. Perfectly done with both staying true to character. And now the door is open for Devlin to walk back in through. I’m sure Devlin is more than willing to accommodate Kimmy’s need for him to spin a certain yarn for Josh. Of course, the Devil will have his due for the bargain so Kimmy needs to acknowledge his importance and make him whole again.
Bill F Protagoras
Another feint at salvation through talk but no hit... Kimmy clings to the strength and determination that helped her pull herself out of the post-miscarriage limbo where god, in all his wisdom, tucks away the souls of unshriven babies along with the virtuous pagans who arrived too soon for redemption. People don't strive from success to success they wade through the clinging slough of despond trying to gain a new purchase on hope. Once more, KT you evoke that moment when all we can do is stretch out our straining fingers 'cos it feels like... this is hell and neither are we out of it... and you always leave us with a teasing piquant shapely sentence... picante too!
Kat
“Her hands began to tremble with the spinning, depthless horror that Josh could go to Devlin to untie the knot she had tied him into.” I loved this part! Wait until she finds out that this has already happened, and Devlin showed him the picture of her in the storage container in Hamilton. It’s great to see Josh finally putting the pieces together, and identifying Kimmy as the bully, and that being with her is not safe for him.
L_S87
I think you have it right. Her revelation from the last book that she was subconsciously blaming him and acting out lines up with this. Add in her new found love of wallowing in anything taboo and Devlin was *perfect* for sating her desires. Hell, she even admitted she'd never have stopped if Devlin hadn't given things a nudge because he thought Kimmy was slow walking Josh too much. It will be interesting to see how Devlin slides back into this now that Josh is "playing hard to get".
L_S87
I think you're right. With how hyperfocused she is on loving Josh and "keeping" him, the more he pushes back, the more desperate she'll be to do whatever it takes to draw him back in. It's why she was so pushy on him coming back and why he wasn't having it. He knows he'll fold like a cheap suit the instant she starts whispering in his ear. He finds her sirens call much too tempting to resist.
Tracey52
I think they will end up something like Meyer and Huyn. Josh won’t be able to live with the betrayal and Kimmy won’t give up this lifestyle. She feels like it’s who she is and why should she now? She just can’t have Josh as well. I wonder if she try to use the pregnancy to manipulate him. Of course she will
Donkatsu
L-S87, Perhaps she chose Devlin because he was Josh's tormentor; it was about more than just sex (though that did not hurt things and certainly provided both entertainment and enjoyment for most of us -;). There are several hints of this likelihood in earlier books when the subject of high school arises between them ("toughen up, kid"). If anything, we probably cut her too much slack. Character is destiny, and hers is bleak.
Tim ziegler
👏👏👏👏That was awesome!
Kat
Amazing chapter KT!
L_S87
That conversation was PAINFUL. And amazingly well written. Thank you for this, KT. This provides so much clarity on where both of them are at and yet doesn't really tell us what the future is, which is perfect. This was such text book Kimmy. I love you...but... Thats basically been her MO from the very beginning. I love you but I won't quit my job for you. Even though I told you I would in Italy, nope, not gonna do it. Oh, and yes, I'm still a dirty little liar. I feel like Josh asked that question because he knew Kimmy would lie. She doesn't have it in her to tell the truth. You want truth, Kimmy? NO, he doesn't trust you, and it's your own damn fault. The saddest part about all of this, is if she had just picked someone different, and been truthful from the start, this could have turned out perfect for both of them. But this isn't that story because Kimmy isn't that person. Ultimately I think Josh knows, deep down, Kimmy is awful for him because she loves him, but she loves controlling him and being bad even more. So no matter what she says to his face, what she does when he's not there will always be in question. And that kills him. Because if you just removed that one little part, he'd be ecstatic with her. There is so much about Kimmy that is perfect for him, but those pieces that arent... They're brutal. It's interesting that Josh came to realize what his biggest weaknesses are, and he's trying hard not to let Kimmy manipulate them. Its why she wants him to come home and why he is adamant against doing so. She'd have him wrapped around her finger in a heartbeat. She knows it, he knows it. Its a stalemate. Wonder how it gets broken?
Tracey52
She has lied to Josh so much, why not say “I didn’t fuck him.” Is it because she knows Josh knows or doesn’t want to be caught out by the lie if Devlin proves it to him.
Tracey52
Finally, Josh is growing a pair! Looking forward to where this is going. Starting to unravel for Kimmy. Short chapter but telling. I guess Kimmy will go to Devlin now worried that Josh will be there and thereby be at the mercy of his manipulation. Better than a soap opera.
