mystical_mckay
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So this morning was interesting lol. One the bright side I a..
🕑 Added 2021-04-14 09:17:59 +0000 UTC So this morning was interesting lol.One the bright side I applied to get monetized on YouTube!! I felt very proud of myself and my accomplishments looking back at how far I have come..
BUT
Then I come out of my room overhearing my father on the phone with my sibling about how she is basically TOO successful with her music and how she needs to start spending thousands of dollars from all the money she’s making from her music 🤡
This of course triggered me and made my simple monetization accomplishments feel like dumpster material, Since she got monetized after having only 3 videos on YouTube lololol.
Whenever I get triggered from that (it happens often lmao) I just go outside and wait for the conversation to end 🤣
Today tho I felt so UNCOMFORTABLE and fucking tired of feeling how I feel.
I decided to do some kind of strange meditation related to envy.
And holy fuck it rocked my world.
It started like any good trauma meditation starts,
Literally making you purposely bring up the uncomfortable emotion with as many memories, down to each detail that surface the trauma.
A very strange thing happened when I did that. Each memory I found where I had ever felt jealous or envious of my sibling kept going deeper and deeper.
One memory that kept popping into my head was this definitive moment,
I had just started playing live music at 14 and I remember looking at my mother with such pure joy and said “I never want a real job, I just want to do this for the rest of my life”
And she gave me this LOOK and said
“That’s pretty unrealistic”
But what my feeble 14 yearr old mind heard was “you really think you’re good enough to do what successful musicians are capable of?”
And it hurt my heart a lot
but I didn’t even really realize how much till my fuxking sibling went out and did exactly that herself, she will never have to work a “regular job” ever again in this lifetime lmao, thanks to her music BLOWING UP, and doing the one thing my mum said to me was too unrealistic to pursue.
And when I realized THAT it surfaced ANOTHER memory from even further back, when I was super youngg, around the time my own younger sibling surpassed me in height. At some point I had developed this mentality that I was the RUNT of the family, the small dumb incompetent fuck up childd, always in second place to her.
Upon this realization that I had a crazy core belief like that laying dormant inside me, I began to bawl intense ugly tears!!!
It was so fun!
But in all reality it sucked mega balls yet at the same time I knew why I was doing this, to become aware of why I felt how I did so I can move forward from it.
I could now confront that sad little gal inside me and tell her all the things she really needed to hear at that time instead of what she did hear..
It was crazy.
And I felt so much better afterwords. By the end of the meditation I was guided to really take a good look into my own accomplishments, successes, and progress in life, which has been a fuck ton of stuff!
I got shit on YouTube, where I’m now MONETIZED, I got shit on, Spotify, I go live on tiktok, I build all my courage to do so thanks to Instagram, I got ONLYFANS!! I have a wonderful support system and group of lovely friends who help me see the things in myself that I have a hard time seeing.
I am blessed beyond measure.
And comparing myself to some other human I happen to live with has takin too much of my focus.
I had a conversation with my childhood crush through snapchat after the meditation and he asked me “hey do I still draw?? You were amazing!”
And I was like holy fuck I haven’t drawn in years really..
Then I was hit by this burst of inspiration to draw something related to “everyone has their own unique fire in their heart” to remind me that I cannot be my best if I’m focused on what other people are doing, that’s their journey which is completely different from mine. I don’t want her success,
I really don’t lmao and that’s what I’m now realizing.
I’m growing at my own perfect rate,
And I love it!
Everyone’s got their own light to shine! ☀️
