Heart
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Rant: Healthy Relationships
🕑 Added 2021-09-07 03:04:44 +0000 UTCMy tattoo artist is in her 20’s and she’s engaged to a man. As someone who works in mental health and recently ended a long-term marriage she asked what advice I would give to her. Here it is: Don’t parent your partner.
That sounds obvious, but in reality our culture has a pretty warped/outdated view of what a healthy relationship looks like, and things like telling your partner what to do, making rules, punishments, feeling like you’re responsible for their basic needs, are all seen as normal.
One of the common issues is that a lot of men expect their girlfriends to mother/nurture them. They move out of their mother’s house (where she took care of him) in with a girlfriend (where she takes on the same roles) and never self-actualized as a functional independent adult. 🍼
They rely on their girlfriend to do the work to take care of themselves emotionally (helping them process feelings like an emotional doula, taking on mental load) as well as physically (housework, taking care of them meals/scheduling/making medical appointments etc.)
(I’m generalizing; of course this dynamic exists with other gender configurations, and it’s not exclusive to hetero partnerships! But most of us can look around and see in media, and with the folks around us, this gendered and patriarchal dynamic is common.)
Now I’m not saying it’s wrong or unhealthy to offer these supports to a partner, what I’m critiquing is that this is OFTEN an imbalanced dynamic; the caregiving doesn’t go both ways. It’s an unspoken contract many couples enter when they move in together, which becomes their norm.
This kind of imbalance leads to the load-bearing partner being resentful and burnt out, and the supported partner lacking any understanding of the sheer amount of labour the other person is doing to prop up their entire life. And when you add CHILDREN to this equation…
…the cracks really show. The added stress & responsibility (on top of having less personal time/time as a couple) push the load-bearing partner to their limit. They’re often pouring the nurturing/caretaking they were doing for their partner into their LITERAL BABY & exhausted. 🥵
Meanwhile the supported partner often feels spurned by the shift and change in attention, yet rarely responds to that by HELPING TO REDUCE STRESS for their partner. Instead often increasing stress with demands, outbursts, selfish/entitled expectations. 🙄
This leads to more resentment, and often leaves the load-bearing partner feeling like they’re parenting another child rather than being supported by a co-parent. (Hence the common phrase “man-child”, though again PLS NOTE this dynamic is not always hetero and cisgendered.)
PLUS putting your partner in this parenting role means they infantalize you… because you’re acting like a child. 🙄 And that is… VERY UNSEXY!!!!! Instead of getting mutual support & empathy from you they’re endlessly catering/giving to you… that’s not a very hot horny vibe! 😬
These same fucking adult babies will complain that their wife doesn’t fuck them, yet will not consider how very fucking UNFUCKABLE they’ve truly made themselves. (Often their partners actually do want to have sex, just not the kind of sex, they’re going to get from this person. 🙊)
While this may sound very specific & personal (and it is), it’s also a pattern I have heard over & over & over from friends, family members, and clients at work. This pattern is pervasive, and in my opinion a vestigial remnant from out-dated marriage and gender norms.
Neither person can thrive or grow under these conditions. The load-bearing partner isn’t getting their needs met. The supported partner ends up with arrested development, truly lacking relationship skills that are necessary for healthy connections (most notably: good parenting…)
It’s easy to blame the supported partner (especially when statistics show their health and careers benefit greatly from this kind of support) but both partners need to play their part for this arrangement to keep going. Change is necessary, and it takes guts. (But you can do it!)
If you’re reading this & you’re the load-bearing partner: enough is enough. Make some changes. Get some therapy. Work on expecting better from your partner and knowing you DESERVE a teammate who respects you and works as hard as you do. Reciprocity is not a high bar. It’s basic.
If you’re reading this & you’re the supported partner: enough is enough. Make some changes. Get some therapy. Look around every day & find things u can do to reduce your partners’ load. Become responsible for your own adult needs as much as possible. It feels good to contribute!
If you’re worried about this dynamic in your relationship talk to your partner at a time when the vibe is chill, or maybe while doing something side by side like walking/driving/doing dishes is a great non-confrontational approach that can help hard conversations.
Tell your partner you want your connection to withstand the test of time & share your concerns. Back to my tattoo artist; She was quiet for a while, then confided that the night before she’d gotten up out of bed to give her fiancé shit because he still hadn’t let their dog out.🙄
“There he was still sitting on the couch playing video games when he told me HOURS ago that he would let the dog out. I could hear her shuffling around & pacing because she had to go. I was so mad! I couldn’t sleep listening to that! I stormed out of bed & totally scolded him.”🙄
“I would have taken her out myself before I went to bed if he wasn’t gonna do it! She’s our joint responsibility! I shouldn’t have to tell him, it’s his dog too! She’s in the room scratching the door! Just pay attention!!!” (Sounds like a mom talking about a teenager right? 😬)
“It wasn’t sitting with me well all night, I couldn’t put my finger on why… We’re gonna have to have a talk when I get home.” I felt bad for meddling, but she was glad we talked. She doesn’t want to repeat her parents relationship and was happy for the different perspective.
I wanted to share it here too; if you’re feeling this way you’re not alone. And you can absolutely change your whole life by working on these patterns. Healthy reciprocal relationships are worth the hard work & effort. Imbalanced ones feel like *constant* effort. Change = growth 🌱
Comments
Heart
This resonates so hard. It takes work on both sides!
Heart
I’m so glad to have this feedback.. Thank you so much. 💘
Brooks Moses
Also, as someone who has some emotional triggers around this topic, I want to very specifically thank you for the way that you wrote this that avoids triggering those emotions for me. I can deal with the triggers, and I'm used to doing that, and it feels like an unexpected gift to just not need to. And it also feels a little bit like it's making it okay to have the triggers -- to have that damage -- which is not a small thing, and it doesn't feel like I have the space to say it's not a small thing very often. Thank you.
Brooks Moses
Yes, this, so much this. And avoiding it is hard, even with practice -- my partner and I have been in a heterosexual relationship for 21 years now, and are pretty good at balancing these things and not becoming caretakers. And chores being undone still give her feelings of not being a "good wife" and not taking good enough "care" of me, even when it's a mess I've made. It's seductively easy for me to fall into feelings of "it'll get taken care of" about things, too. On similar rants, there's also the related failure state of codependency, which is roughly this but both partners caretaking the other one. And which is ALSO very reinforced by Western popular culture and mononormativity. That one's been a lot of hard work to get through, and is still difficult sometimes.
Heart
Oh fuck yes. How gross that it’s so normalized!!! I think of that all the time, how this example will impact generations that come after. 💖
Cari
On Friday, I sent my bff a picture of a t-shirt that reads "Raising my husband is exhausting" with my comment of ...so I quit. And then you post this. My son will be raised better. My daughter too.
Paul Ricciardi
This hit me like a punch to the gut.
